Hi Pantha, sorry to see him go that far but I knew he was putting on front to you as I said in my previous post. You can expect many more emotional rollercoster rides in the next few months, he and OW relationship is about to collapse, and where do they go running? back to there original spouse. This is where you are going to have to be strong, you don't want to be an enabler to you exh, that will make him weaker and more dependent on you.<p>I understand he's your friend and you love him, but not much you can do for him especially if he has OW, she needs to take responsibility for her now husband which she'll probably leave him since she may think he's suicidal, this shows he's a very empty man and this New OW and feeling his EN as he thought she would, thats part of the lie WS's grab ahold of, realizing that that green grass on the other side has to be mowed and it Tall and brown once you walk into it, you lose all your joy...<p>Take care........

((((((((((((PANTHA))))))))))))))<p>I am sorry this had to happen. I still am lost for words. Your XH is in for a difficult road ahead, and I guess it is up to you to decide how much support you give him.<p>Of course you still love him, because everything happened so quickly for you. There was never enough time for you to process the grief of your lost marriage. The same can be said for him. He moved so quicly on all things, that I think it all finally caught up with him.<p>May he get the help he so desperately needs.<p>Love and light,<p>Jacky

Pantha, <p>I'm so sorry for all you are going through. I do think that you should try hard not to be a co-dependant in this though. Most of us here were there one time or another, thinking we can do something to save them. They have to save themselves. Even though the problem isn't alcoholism, I think you should go to Alanon and use their approach in dealing with this.<p>Take care and good luck,<p>ANNA

Pantha,<p>I'm so sorry your going through this..Your both in my prayers..him for help, and you for comfort

Pantha,<p>Gosh, I am very, very sorry that your exH tried to kill himself. He is added to my extremely ong prayer list.<p>This is what worries me about these recent events:
1) Your exH is remarried to someone else and he needs to be turning to her - the new W - for help with his problems - not you. You could become the OW here. I mean this with deep respect for you. I know that they are separated and he probably feels that he made a mistake, but he needs to learn NOW how to extricate himself and fix his own problems all by himself. Once he is free, then you two can explore whatever might be.<p>2) He tells you too much. I also think he is letting you meet some of his emotional needs. He is trying to reconnect to you emotionally. I am not at all against him realizing he made a mistake and wanting you again, but not while he is married to someone else. This shows that he hasn't learned anything at all, and is just repeating his established patterns.<p>3) I worry about there being too much pressure on you for this latest event. You should not be meeting his emotional needs, but you also don't need the guilt that he is unhappy and tried to kill himself. This responsibility to "save" him from himself does NOT belong to you. This is a tough situation for you to be in, and I surely don't know how I would handle it if I was in your shoes.<p>He definitely needs to begin to face and address his issues. They belong to him and he alone can do something to make things better for himself. In the meantime, please do not become his emotional crutch, as I don't think it will really help him in the long haul.<p>My prayers for you both, RMA

Pantha,<p>(posted by resilient)<p> <blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>I do feel bad for what I said in my response posts to you regarding how selfish WS's can be. I really do pray he can forgive himself and get thru this without harming himself. <hr></blockquote><p>I'm gonna go with Resilient on this one, my post was very similar. It's so easy to tell our ex's to take a hike when we think they don't care. Then something happens to make us realize that they are struggling as much as, if not more than, we are.<p>I'm sorry this has happened, and I hope he can get help. Hopefully, his family will be the ones to support him and take care of him. Hang in there, girl<p>[ June 14, 2002: Message edited by: idiotguy ]</p>

Hi Pantha<p>I have been following your thread for quite some time now because I know you are from Durban. I am also from SA, one of the "Provinces".<p>I can empathize with you as my WH has also moved so fast that I wonder when the burn out will be. To date he is still very much in love with OW and very much on a path of finacial destruction. I can only look on at this madness. (Now owns one property, rents two aptmnts). He relocated to JHB but keeps an aptmnt in our "Province" to see DD's every alternate weekend. He has already lost one sibling to suicide and therapist says this is family pattern and hopes WH is strong enough to not choose this route once fog lifts.<p>You know what our men are like here in this country. It really takes them to hit rock bottom before they will admit to defeat. <p>You are in my prayers and thoughts. Keep strong.

Hey Pantha,<p>How's life in the big city? Any developements?

Hey all<p>thanks for all your thoughts and prayers. I really appreciate it. I have wanted to reply but things have been hectic and I have not had the energy to post.<p>Resilient and 'idiotguy' it is ok, I know exactly where you are coming from. It just shows that even though we have been hurt we can still have empathy for someone in trouble mostly of their own doing.<p>My ex seems to be doing ok, he phoned me the other day when he was feeling quite down and I tried to give him advice and talk him through it. He asks me to do things for him like fax things to bank or get telephone numbers of cleaning companies where I stay so he can try and get a job out here. Now I did this for him. But it petrifies me that he has any hope that if he comes back here we could be friends on a long term basis or more. I don't want that. Things still hurt, and I am only trying to help him get through this and be ok again. Also it is easier to get jobs where I live than where he is. It is sometimes difficult to not make a nasty comment about everything that happened but so far, so good that I've managed to bite my tongue. I also have girl friend who is also going through a depression and she is also suicidal and I also have had to talk her through some rough times. It scares me to no end, as I don't really know the right thing to say to either one of them. But my ex is on anti depressants now, and has been to a counciller - just not sure how good the counciller is. I have not spoke to him since Friday.<p>GinnyF no matter how much I had waited for him to hit rock bottom it is not the nicest feeling to see someone you once cared deeply for to be so 'down and out'. The only thing we can do is be there for them if that should ever happen. We don't do it for ourselves but maybe for what we once shared. I am actually from Gauteng (JHB) and ex is in Durban.<p>Thanks again everyone for your care and love and prayers, means so much to me.<p>Pantha

Pantha,<p>Just wanted to say I think you're a wonderfully caring and loving woman. So much compassion in you, I wish your ex would have appreciated it when he had you .... I wish we all would have appreciated what we had instead of concentrating on things that really weren't so important. <p>I hope I've learned ... I pray I will. <p>Jo