Wifty,<p>In total agreement (and I am a woman). One of the reasons time with your children doesn't change is because then the courts would have to drop or lower your cs amount. All family court judges and the big wigs at cs enforcement all rely on your cs. For every dollar they collect, they get a kick back from the gov't. This is there retirement fund money.<p>Humbleones wife I fear is going to take total advantage of him in his current state of mind. He needs to reach in himself and bring his fighter side out (nicely) and let her know what he wants out of a divorce and fight for what is right. If the courts didn't make it all so one sided most of the time, I am sure she would be more willing to work on the marriage. Right now she knows she will come out on top with most of his money to boot. I hate to see this happen to someone who was willing to forgive her, raise her oc, everything. Some, not all cp don't realize how hard it is for the ncp also. They are having to support two households, and for some reason some, not all cp don't think they should have to contribute financially to their children, the ncp should still support them financially and see them 4 days a month. The courts help them have this mindset. Mediation, if at all possible is the best way to go. But of course you get the ones who refuse because they now they will get more through court.<p>Humbleone, help yourself OK? Be strong and don't back down to nothing less than joint physical and legal because you have earned every right to it. You want to have a say in how your children are raised. Also, if needed you may want to start getting info on the om. You may need him. He may be your bargaining chip to get more than just 4 days a month with your children. <p>Melissa

<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>and for some reason some, not all cp don't think they should have to contribute financially to their children, the ncp should still support them financially and see them 4 days a month. <hr></blockquote><p>I'm going to give you that but keep in mind that there are some NCP's who have been given more than liberal, more than required visitation and still whine about paying cs. My x has been allowed to have dd come over anytime, all weekends-not just the ones specified-that he wants, etc. What does he do? He takes vacation and purposely does not tell her so he doesn't have to see her. He works instead of taking advantage of his weekends designated for her then expects me to re-arrange *our* family schedule so she can be with him on the 'wrong' weekends. Then he whines about never seeing her. There are some NCP's that you can't even FIND for visitation--they're out there, too busy living their own lives.<p>And frankly, my dear, if my x decides to never see dd again, she will still need shoes, still eat, still need a place to sleep.<p>Let's face it, there are crummy cps and ncps, there are generous of both and there are some of both that the kids would be better off without.

Thank you all so much for your support and help. I am not sure what I am going to do just yet. Am I in any hurry to start the divorce wheels turning? No.. I have been plan Aing to the best of my ability and she has noticed the changes. I am seeing a counselor and taking meds for the depression which help greatly. The thing that is driving me nuts is the not knowing where her mind is most of the time. It is a wierd situation. She wants to reamin together long enough to pay down some of our debt, then persue the divorce. What is even stranger is that we sleep in the same bed, spoon together and I get I love you's when I tell her how much she means to me. She basically told me she is not happy and wants to move on with her life. Now as far as the twins go, I am torn up over them. They only know me a Daddy and are a real joy overall. I do not consider them a burden but a gift. It is just that I took the responsibility of keeping our family together and now she wants out. I wonder if that was not part of her plan all along. As far asthe Om goes heis or has been out of the picture entirley as back when she first found out she was preganant and told him I informed him tha they were mine and he was to have no contact with my wife ever again. As far as I know the wife has respected tmy wishes for I told her that if he was around at all I would not be..period. Since she is no hurry to file on me, do you all think I should continue plan A and not bring up the divorce to her or take action once she files on me?

I think that is exactly what you should do...work that plan a to death!!! [img]images/icons/wink.gif" border="0[/img] and don't ever mention the 'd' word. Sometimes people use 'trigger' words to shake us up---my h's favorite is 'leave'--'I'm gonna leave when I get paid' 'when I get this or that, I'm gonna leave' 'I'll just leave'. I finally had to tell him that one day I would help him pack and I may or may not open the window BEFORE i put his stuff thru it.<p>Seriously, though, I had to tell him several times that his saying leave told me that he was not committed to our marriage and that I felt leaving was always an option in his mind---like he was just waiting for a good enough excuse to go. He doesn't say it as much now.<p>I say give her some space. Ask her to do the emotional needs questionnaire to help makes things go smoother while you're still together. Then use her answers to help re-kindle those dying embers.

Thanks Franklymydears,
I have the EN questionairre ready to bring home and even had mentioned it to her last week. She said she will fill it out, so I guess I should go for it. I did not bring it home before because she was in a bad mood with me in the first place and I feel that in her frame of mind the answers would be skewed. Anyway, I will continue on plan A and hope for the best. She did say once that my behavior is making it hard for her to divorce me. I just pary that my efforts can stop the Divorce train. [img]images/icons/confused.gif" border="0[/img]