I need for anyone out there to please help explain my WW's actions.
I am the BS. I filed for "D" back in October of 2001.
Tried a brief reconciliation around Christmas to the point where she just walked out on family on April 19, 2002 (walk away wife).
She was served "D" papers right before Thanksgiving (I did not plan that).
While we were together the "D" process was still going on.
She was a no-show for the preliminary hearing.
I was granted Temp.custody of kids and household because she and her attorney was a no-show for the hearing.
D-Day April 20th 2002 (EA and PA multiple XOM)
Anyway this is the part I don't understand.
WW has been in contact with MIL daily per my BIL. Almost 3 months ago when I spoke to MIL by telephone, she would tell me that she hasn't heard a word from her..
I asked my MIL to tell my WW to get in touch with my attorney so we could complete this "D" and end it as soon as we could.
I Have tried to talk to MIL up until a few weeks ago, and have not contacted anyone since about what WW wanted to do regarding the "D".
As I write this, she has not brought forth her attorney, and she has not contacted my attorney. She is still involved with other men, and refuses for whatever reason to contact attorneys, her children, or me.
The only people she will talk to that I am in contact with is her Mother, and her mother isn't saying anything about this, except she "does not want to get involved"... which is a lie, because she already put herself in the middle of this mess by helping my WW in hiding all of her lies.
You would think that she would want to end this M, with all that is going on, but instead just chooses to act like her new found life is all important and just ignore the damage that she left in her wake.
Can anyone explain why she is acting like this.
From time to time, I believe she calls me at work, not saying anything, and then hanging up on me. She has an unlisted phone # so there is no way I can call her back to see what in the she wants.
She is acting very inmature to say the least. As I write this, she just called and hung up on me again. I don't get it.
Is there any logical explanation why she won't follow through with this "D", calling me and haging up, and she has been seen driving by my house... my kids and my BIL, who now lives with us, because his W, wants a "D" now too... have seen her drive by.. I don't get it.
I know I'm rambling, but it really has me whirling.
Any explanation on this is appreciated.
Wallace

<small>[ July 01, 2002, 02:35 PM: Message edited by: Wallace ]</small>

try *69 and initiate the conversation. . . .

then, continue to press for the divorce and get everything as she is a no show. . .

forget the MIL, as she will side with her daughter, and should really stay out of it anyway. . .

good luck,
you'll need it!

wiftty

Hard to say, Wallace. My guess is that she cannot completely let you go. It sounds like she is keeping tabs on you. Maybe that is why she has "disappeared" also. She doesn't want to face the realty of a DV and losing you forever. Maybe she feels if she just ignores the DV it won't really happen. Do you think any of this is possible? It seems that if she wanted nothing to do with you and had no feelings for you, she wouldn't be driving by or calling and hanging up, she would just be ignoring you and going on with her life.

Wiffty,
Did the *69, it won't give the number back... says it's unavailable... which means it's an unlisted phone# ... but thanks for the info.
MIL is a waste of time, I wrote her off a few weeks ago. Your right she should stay out of it, but she has been meddling in all of her kids marriages for years... she is a major pain in the a$$.
We are set-up for mediation, but you can't mediate anything by yourself.
I am still pushing forward with the divorce... only problem is, it's a no_fault State, and even if she doesn't show, she gets 50% of everything.
Thanks for the response!
Wallace

Fingers,
I think you maybe onto something. But if that was the case, why wouldn't she try to talk to somebody.
That is the part I don't understand. You either want the "D" or you don't... wouldn't you want to tell someone something about what you truly want?
Wallace

Wallace: When you say "talk to somebody" what do you mean? Do you mean a friend or family member? Does she have a close girlfriend or someone that she confides in? It sounds like she is confused. You initiated the D right? Could it be that you shocked her by filing the D papers and she is angry but doesn't know how to deal with this?

It almost sounds like she is stalking you a little. I know that right after my H left me for OW, I was very upset and I went by his house a couple of times just to see if the OW's car was there. I found out she had moved in (he lives one street away from me) and had my answer. But for me, it was just curiosity; when I found out the OW was living with my H, I had my answer and never went by the house again. When she drives by your house, maybe she wants to see what you are up to. Does she drive by at night or in the day?

Maybe she can't truly let you go. She wants to go out with other men but she still wants you too. What do you want? Are you ready to move on with your life? I know you must feel torn.

Hi Fingers,
What I mean is talk to someone in the immediate family... me, or my children.
She has been seen driving by our home on the weekends during the day. She may also be driving by at night. Since our house is surrounded by trees and bushes it is hard to see our drive too well at night.
What are your thoughts about the hang-up calls by her to my office?
She may be driving by to see if there is an OW. But there isn't... I'm the BS. I should be checking up on her. I probably would if I knew where she was located... but I don't. If I did see her, she would more than likely be wrapped around another man... which I really don't want to see.
She may very well be in shock by getting hit with the "D" papers. During a dinner conversation we had just prior to all of this going down we were talking about how all these married couples were getting a "D", and I blurped out that the only way I would ever think about getting a divorce would be if I ever caught my W cheating on me. It wasn't too long after that, she began in earnest to begin having her A"s.
I am torn concerning the whole situation that is sitting on my plate right now. I know that I can't tolerate a continuation of what has been going on. The "D" is still moving forward. If she truly wanted to save this "M", she would need to do a complete 180 and mean it, before I would ever think about stopping the "D".
A lot of damage has been done in this "M" by her. I wasn't filling her EN's that I'm sure of. But she could of come to me, and we could have made corrections on my side to avoid what she did.
It's doubtful that this "M" can be saved. Who knows though, I've seen stranger things turn themselves around so I don't rule out anything. It would take an immense amount of work to make this "M" work though.
You could be right, she may be checking to see if I have brought in another woman at this point. It has been almost 3 months since I have seen or talked with her. I could of gone out and did what she did, but I choose to honor my marriage vows.
Thanks for your input.
Stay Strong!
Wallace

Wallace: I think she is calling you at work because it is more anonymous since it could be a customer, client, etc. (don't know what kind of work you do). Are you pretty certain they are from her and did they just start? I was getting a lot of hang up calls a couple of months ago too (it was around the time my H broke up with the OW). As soon as I would answer the person would hang up. I also did *69 to no avail. Then the calls abruptly stopped; they seemed to stop around the time my H got back with the OW. It was spooky.

As far as talking to you or the children, I think she is too cowardly. She must get info from your MIL. You said previously that you haven't contacted your MIL lately which is probably a good thing. I bet your W is driving by the house at night too.

You are really in the thick of it right now. I feel for you. Is there any way you can take a short vacation and just get away from everything? I did that and it really cleared my head. I guess you are at the point where you need to decide one way or the other what you want and go for it. Once the decision is made and you stick with it, you can start to live again. Being in limbo is a horrible feeling. It just paralyzes you doesn't it?

Hey Wallace, I can't figure her out but I can tell you she obessed now with "Why did he do this now? How is this possible? Is there an OW? I thought he loved me so much he would never do this? I got to find out....I'm sure she wrestling with images of you day and night, she's consumed.

One of the problems in all this "OM" is not meeting her needs, maybe a few, now she's scared bigtime "DV" is on its way and she's caught with nowhere to run back to mostlikely and have to face the question of does she really want future with OM.

Hang in there.

EC,
You may very well be right... OM isn't all that she thought he was.
She is staring down a long barrel of " Welcome to your new life", and she isn't too thrilled at what she sees.
I guess she should of thought about that before she went out and had her A's
Stay Strong!
Wallace

<small>[ July 02, 2002, 11:21 AM: Message edited by: Wallace ]</small>

Yep you're right "The illusion of welcome to the new life"...The WS - They chase afar off the man in the Oasis and illusion only to find its a pig in a mudhole with a necktie on selling illusion tee-shirts <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> and they go waddling right in it and the pig says welcome to your new life...

Most that return say 'been there, done that and bought the tee-shirt <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />

What I don't understand, is why does she call my office and hang-up on me without saying a word. I know it's her calling. I have *69 the calls everytime it happens and it comes back telephone# is unavailable... which is an unlisted #. Her new cell# is unlisted.
Why doesn't she get her attorney's rolling?
Why doesn't she call her kids, or me?
Why is She acting like a complete nut?
Do you think she is trying to avoid the "D", and if so what is she trying to accomplish by doing the things she is doing?
This is what I'm trying to put together. What is she doing or what is her motivation for doing these things?
Wallace

<small>[ July 02, 2002, 12:12 PM: Message edited by: Wallace ]</small>

Wallace: I think she's calling you because she wants to hear your voice. It seems to be some sort of connection for her. It's juvenile but she's scared. Maybe she doesn't know what to say to you. Then again, maybe it is harassmen. You know her best. Had she ever exhibited any of these weird signs while you were married? Do you think she might be taking drugs? How about prescription drugs? My H got real whacked out on those and underwent a tremendous personality change. What was her personality like while you were happily married? Maybe this will give us some clues.

Wallace -
You may have thought about this already, but have you considered sending her a letter to her Moms address? Maybe you can even put a bogus return address on the envelope. Don't know if she would read it even if she opened it but I was just thinking that you might get some answers to all the questions that you have for her. Maybe you can ask her what she wants to do about the M and to please contact you with her plans even by return mail. Just a suggestion. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Hi Fingers,
She is taking meds for Bi-polar disorder (diazepam).
Her personality changed when she started on those meds., that is what I recall, but she has been on them for years. So I really couldn't tell how much of a personality change there was... because it was over a long period of time.
Do you think she just wants to hear my voice? If that was the case why wouldn't she talk to me on the phone? Do you think it's because of possible shame or guilt?
Wallace

Hi is this a Bad Dream,
I sent her a letter to her Mom's house last week.
Basically it said she needed to come to terms with what is going on, and either end the "M" or call or write a letter letting us all know of her intentions.
Have not heard anything either by phone or by mail.
Wallace

Hi again Wallace: Do you know the doctor that treats her for bi-polar? Maybe he/she could give you some insight. Any chance she could have stopped taking her meds? That might explain the craziness. Have you done research on the drug she is taking, side effects, withdrawal, etc.? Maybe the doctor has put her on something new you don't know about.

As for the phone calls, I just can't think of any explanation other than it is just some sort of connection she is still trying to maintain with you. Shame and guilt could be the reason she can't speak to you. Maybe it is too difficult for her to say anything but she just wants to hear your voice. At least she is attempting to stay in touch, albeit in a very unusual way. You said she is seeing other men, do you know for a fact that she is seeing someone in particular. Maybe that relationship has ended and these are just stepping stones for her to reconnect with you. Didn't you go through a period when you heard absolutely nothing at all?

Thanks for the reponse Fingers,
I'll try to answer your questions as best I can.
I do know her Doctor, and I did ask him if she has been in to see him lately, and the answer was no. They are not allowed to give any additional info beyond that. I have done research on what she is taking... it's a generic form of valiuum, it's a depressant. It suppose to slow you down... doesn't appear that it slowed her down any, if at all.
You may be on the mark where she just wants to hear my voice, as nutty as that sounds. I don't know why though, you would think she would want to convey something over the phone. Of course if I did what she has been doing and did, I don't think I could talk to her soon after it was discovered... but that was almost 3 months ago.
I have not spoken with her in almost 3 months. Neither have her children. She is PLan B'ing her whole family. I'm the one who is suppose to be in Plan B, not her... did I miss something?
Last word I heard from my BIL, who overheard my MIL talking with her daughter (my wife's sister). My WW and OM are going to the mountains for this 4th of July weekend. Plus there is much more hard evidence. Soooo, to answer your question, there is no doubt in my mind that there is at least 1 OM and probably a few more on the side.
It's a mess, make no mistake about that. I'm just trying to follow some of the things she is doing that isn't making any sense at all.
She knows the "D" papers are just about ready to go for the next hearing, and I know she is probably going to be a no-show for the hearing. It's just insane, the whole thing... I've never seen anything quite like it.
It's not your usual marriage break-up.
She always had to do everything in grand style.
Stay Strong
Wallace

Wallace: What kind of hearing is coming up? You said you live in a no-fault state, and so do I (Florida). If you can't find her, can your attorney publish in the local newspaper and when she doesn't answer, submit the final judgment to the judge? If she defaults, you should get everything.

Hi Fingers,
I live in Colorado, and it is a no-fault State.
We were originally set up for mediation, but she was a no-show for the last hearing.
According to my attorneys, they say even if she ends up being a no-show for the final hearing, she will get no less than a 60/40 split of asset to debt ratio. You don't get everything by defualt in this State... wish you did, but that is not the case.
We wanted to work out an equitable agreement with her, so we could avoid pending litigation on down the road.
I am almost certain, that she will have some sort of issues that she is going to want to change sometime down the road. I don't want to go to court every month, just because she is not happy with what she ended up with.
Wallace