So you closed the door on him and said, "no".
and that gave you closure.
Somehow Fingers, I'm not sure I buy into that one.
So what you are trying to say is, is that one dream did it for you.
Boy, I wish it was that easy for me... of course I haven't been dreaming very much lately.
I wonder why?
Stay Strong!
Wallace

Wallace, you misunderstood me! It was just a dream, I certainly do not have closure. I had closure in the dream. But it sure would be nice if that happened!! Maybe my sub-conscious is telling me this is what would be closure for me.

Fingers,
I didn't think it really did give you closure.
But I had to check... just in case it might have.
Wouldn't it be nice if it was all that simple.
Stay Strong!
Wallace

Boy,
I wish I had closure. He has caused so much pain and heartache for our whole family--tho especially for me.

He brought his bimbo today to work out on the base where we worked together for 9 years. He doesn't flinch and neither does she.

It bothers me knowing that they will have my son with them all afternoon. The other kids don't want anything to do with them.

I feel bad that seeing them still makes me feel bad.....after supporting him and loving him all those years. I don't know if I will ever have closure. I guess I have said it before, I feel like I have a cancer in me that won't come out. It is not a good feeling.

I know you need to forgive and move on...and I am trying....but closure??? She robbed me of our future. WE worked for 22 years together to raise our kids, and get ready for retirement from the AF. The rug has been pulled out from under me--financially, emotionally and even physically.

My H presented me with divorce papers (left at the sheriff's office) upon my daughter's and my return from Europe last summer. There was no chance to talk or discuss our relationship. He didn't want to deal with our relationship--he just wanted it over. He rationalized what he had done and completely changed our history together. Obviously, he has closure--he made that choice when he went out looking for passion once again while we were married.

I don't know if I will ever have closure. I feel betrayed, sad, and angry. I can't believe he did this again. I can't believe he did this to his kids. I believed him when he cried on my shoulder saying that he would never hurt me again. What a fool I was. Closure......Nah!!!!

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Wallace:
<strong>I'm going to bump this up.
I know that there is many of you out there that would like to vent or say something on this topic.
Come on all, lets hear from you, be it good, bad or indifferent.
Stay Strong!
Wallace</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Closure? I guess it depends on just how intermingled your lives together were during your Marriage. Me? Well, she lives in our house in Alaska - I live in Texas. I quit claimed it to her, but my Veteran's Affairs Entitlement is on it... Until she sells the house to someone who does not assume her loan, there is no closure on that. Kids? Yep, we had 2 boys. The oldest one just turned 19 and although he's been off my Child Support for over a year now, he hates me (due to his Mother's wonderful depiction of me as a Father and person in general). Our other child graduates High School in June '04, after which he is off my Child Support. I was never bitter about my Divorce, although my ex certainly was, still is, and (from her behaviour in the past) probably will remain bitter, hateful, vindictive, petty, etc. etc. the rest of her days. So, I guess maybe it never will end - although, having a distance from Fairbanks to Fort Worth helps a lot! Peace to all! Harold

I thought I would briefly resurrect this post as I have found a bit of closure with the Final Judgment being signed.

Wallace, there definitely is a door that closes once the divorce is final; at least for me anyway. It may be different for you since you have kids. It isn't total closure but it is certainly a step in the right direction. Hope you are doing okay. Haven't heard much from you lately.

Fingers -

I got my FJ paperwork yesterday. My divorce was actually final on 8/15. About 5 days earlier than my XH led me to believe. Also in the paperwork was that dang quit claim deed that he was holding hostage. His attorney sent it to me. Guess she (attorney) didn't think it was that big a deal and that I will indeed refinance the house. I mean, c'mon, I can go from a 30 year to a 15 year and pay less monthly than I am now. I would be crazy not to refinance!

Anyway - I think my XH being a big poophead these last few weeks is definitely helping me with that closure thing.

Hang in there everybody. Treat yourself to something nice just for you! Be good to yourselves.

LLama Hhugs,
Llama

Hi All,
Glad to see that you bumped this thread up Fingers... as I find it to be a very good thread with everyones responses.
It's good to hear that you are finding some closure with the FJ being signed.
I'm not too far behind you... my FJ is 47 days away... but it seems like it is taking forever to get here.
Of course that is barring any surprises, which I don't anticipate... but you never know.
I've been working on bringing my "M" to closure (in my mind anyway).
Hopefully, once the "D" is final... I will be able to find some sort of closure even with my children involved.
She nas not been in contact with them for almost five months (since she has left), so I don't believe they will be very much of a factor as far as keeping ties with my STBXW.
I know it will be a very emotional day, when I have to go to Court for the "FJ"... and hopefully I will find some sort of relief once it is all said and done with.
Only time will tell.
Hope everyone is doing well... and hang in there it has got to get better.
Stay Strong!
Wallace

Wallace: 47 days, but who's counting!! Good to hear from you. Sounds like you are doing well under the circumstances. Is your stbx still driving by your house? Do you even know where she is? It's kind of weird how she has just totally dropped out of sight.

Wallace,

This is such an interesting topic, and I guess it really is indivitual for everyone. I like Bill's tree analogy as well, and I fine Llama's view on her marriage SO similar to mine. For me I find that what bothers me the most is the way it ended so abruptly. To have 22 years of marriage (24 years of contact) end with my WH literally leaving me deserted while he drives off in anger to run away sickens me. How do you convince your heart that this man whom you've loved for so long and thot you knew so well could actually do this to you and your family? Had we sat down and calmly/rationally discussed his eventual departure it would have all seemed more real. Ending the way it did makes it seem like a bad movie script.

I feel like I've been robbed of my dignity. Rather that our marriage was robbed of dignity. Having him run out of our marriage like a rebellious teenager leaves me feeling robbed of SO MUCH. Like Llama I keep thinking the 'real' him has got to emerge again someday, but no sign of that so far. How do you 'close' that chapter in your life when so many questions remain, when you are so convinced that it would work 'if only..', when your whole life together has been wiped out so callously?... Questions, questions, questions. I KNOW the only sane answer is SIN. A friend of mine said there is no other real answer, it's just plain sin. Satan somehow seems to have the power to twist and warp the minds of otherwise quite intelligent and rational beings. Go figure. Anyways, just my 2 bits worth. Take care Wallace. -nel

Fingers,
My children and I have been doing pretty good for the most part... "Thank You" for asking.
I'm not sure if my "STBXW" has been driving by my house. I don't think she is anymore, because no one has seen a trace of her... or heard from her as well since she left.
My children and I do not know where she is. I'm not sure if we ever will.
My family and I have pretty much just gone on about our business.
We have all come to terms with what is... and what has been done... and are moving forward from there.
I think the main reason why she has dropped off the face of the planet is due to guilt, as well as shame, concerning everything that she has done.
I also beleive she is living with another man, and is trying to hide it from everyone.
I didn't abbreviate "OM" becasue she has been with so many... from what I hear there is a new one about every two weeks.
How have you been doing since your "FJ"... I hope well.
natasha...
In many ways, your situation is very much like mine as far as how the "S" left.
My STBXW just walked right out the door on the morning of April 19th of this year.
It was a typical day in suburbia.
We had not been in any arguements of any kind... everything seemed right with the world.
On that very morning I got a call from my "OS" while I was at work.
He stated to me, "it looks like Mom blew out of here".
None of us have heard a word from her since.
You are so right about Satan's ability to overcome anyone if given the chance.
His power is significant, if you allow him the opportunity.
I don't have an answer as far as being able to close the chapter on your situation as your situation mirrors mine in many ways as far as legnth of "M" and in some ways how it ended.
It's sad how our spouses decided to end the "M".
I personally have given it over to the Lord, and I am letting him lead my path in whatever direction he desires... I have left it in his hands.
I hope in time, there will be some relief for you concerning all that has happened, and I'm sorry to hear of your situation
Stay Strong!
Wallace

Closure,,,this is a tough question for sure. I think with therapy,and a lot of prayer,ive come to a few conclusions
1. rejection sure hurts like crazy,but i cant live with someone who isnt faithful,or honest.
2. I still love him deeply,and probably will forever,I just dont like the person he's become.
3. I can only control me,,and God gave him free will to do good or bad,i cant help that.
my idea of closure I guess,is acceptance..I dont like it,my heart is broken and my marriage is over,I just have to move on...

No closure for me either. I've been separated for 14 months and filed since last Sept.

Like some of the others here, STBX did not go to counseling and when he did ONE time, it was to blast me and give all kinds of excuses. We never had a chance at all to work, b/c H was involved with OW who ironically broke up with him several weeks ago.

The part without closure is the desire within my heart to have more children. I am 33. Was a stay at home mom. I have a beautiful son. When I moved to GA, moved into dream house and planned another baby. Both of us. We had dreams and life was getting ready to be even better. I remember the day it all crashed down. I had discovered H's A with OW, but he claimed he had ended it. Then one day he went off on a business trip to FL and I woke from a deep sleep that night in a cold sweat. My heart had suddenly sank. I tried to call his cell but no one answered. When I did hear from him, I was given a story that he had lost his cell phone in Miami but had miraculously found it the next day.
I gave him the benefit of the doubt. Then I was outside gardening, working on and designing a lovely flower bed. That feeling had hit my stomach again, like something was not right in my soul. I had prayed for God to show me the truth. Then a phone call came in. Airline had found his laptop bag. I din't think he had brought his. I then asked if it was one of his co-workers (OW not really one but used her name and situation to find out the truth) MS. X, and they verified it was. I said that I wasn't sue if she had indeed gone on this particular business trip and had maybe loaned her computer to him but they said, "No, Mrs. X, she was confirmed on both flights and showed proper id at gate in TN". I remember dropping the trowel and the rest is a blur. I have never to date stayed in a $500 a nite suite. She did that weekend with my H. In beautiful South Beach, which I have also visited, but never stayed and enjoyed it.

I watched a movie with Harrison Ford about how his W dies and he and a senator's wife find out that their partners were secretly having an A. I watched in horror as they walked into the same hotel in the movie in South Beach that my STBX and OW were at. I started shaking and crying.

Will there be closure? Not now. I will and am trying to move on as best as I can, but gosh darn it I'm a woman of faith. My God can bring back the dead. But not now. Maybe it isn't part of His plan. Maybe I'm destined for much more. But for now, Austin Powers is running amuch with new women, living the exciting life of a man of mystery. And I am a single mother, displaced homemaker, newly returned to medical profession just trying to get through each day as best as possible.

Closure will happen when I lay this down for good. I keep trying, even in vain, to just lay this whole M at God's feet and let Him have it. Goodness knows, I can do no more and finally understand this. What is certain is either H will repent, ask for forgiveness from both God and me, or else I will move ahead and one day H will regret the day he kissed me goodbye and took a flight to Miami forever. If I can reach the point where I can totally lay this down at God's feet, then some more peace, maybe not full closure, but real peace.

Notsopeachy,,
I couldnt havent summed it up better,our situations are so similar,except my stbxh & the OW,were and still are EMT partners. I had the same gut dropping feelings..Keep the faith,be strong in your faith!

I just thought I would bump this up... since some of us are still going through a difficult time with this issue.
I really like what LostHusband had to say about it.
Stay Strong!
Wallace

Hello Everyone -
Sad to see so many of us in the same boat. I never got to really try reconcilation because he flat out refused and lied to MC in a session that he was still seeing OW. To this day I still struggle with the man that he has become and I know that one of the first steps to closure is to get over the anger. The anger may subside but never really leaves. We have kids together so I will have contact with him for at least the next 6 years (until S is out of college). Seems like I just start to not think about him constantly and he e-mails me or shows up at the door to give me CS check.

Recently I have really tried to get myself busy with things that I can do on the nights/weekends that S is with X. Signed up to assist in a cooking class for 5 nights and 1 weekend day and I also signed up to be on the committee for the National Brain Tumor Foundation walk that will be held here in May, 2003. I have found that it is easier to read now but I like to read historical romancies and you know how many A's are written in those books. Still enjoy reading them and escaping for a while.

I went back and read my old post on this subject. Ironically X has still not filed Bankruptcy and was informed yesterday that he is moving into a house the middle of December. Don't know for sure but I suspect that OW is going to be there too as he bought close to her work and he works currently about 4 blocks from where he is currently living.

The FJ did help me some. I've said this many times before I have good days and bad days and hopefully before too long I will have more good.

Hang in there everybody. Just remember that we are being tested and we have made it this far we can make it to the end.

Formerly - Is this a Bad Dream

Hi All,
IHABD...
I was wondering where you were. I was getting ready to put a APB out on you to see where you were.
I thought I would resurrect this thread because there are some good comments about closure, or the lack thereof.
I'm glad to hear that your staying busy... I've been keeping busy myself... sometimes too busy.
Are you still in touch with "Free"? If so, tell her I said hello.
Getting back to the closure issue... I'm in the same boat as you in that area. Only difference is, is that the exW to date has not contacted any of her children in 7 months and counting.
I'm slowly but surely closing the book on that chapter of my life... it makes it a little difficult though after almost 24 yrs. of marrige... but I'm slowly getting there.
Stay Strong!
Wallace

Hey Wallace - I took a couple of days off. Free and I were talking that sometimes we just have to distance ourselves from the boards so that we can work on what needs to be done in our life and sometimes it just makes you depressed to read all the stuff that is still going on with everyone on here. I told her that I don't venture out of the D/D board very often as I see my relationship with X in a lot of those posts and all the lies and deceit that he gave to me, their S's are giving to them.

I'm glad to see that you are doing o.k. I still can't understand how a mother wouldn't have contact with their child!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />

Free is doing o.k. and she asked about you the other day and wondered if you wanted to IM with us. Actually we have been just e-mailing more lately because it never seems we are on the computer at the same time. She is still trying to sort out a lot of things and her kids have been ill lately.

I posted on another thread about what is going on with D and X. She doesn't return his phone calls/e-mails and I talked to her on my way home from work last night and she sounded so good. She will be home to celebrate S's 16th B-Day next weekend and then again for Thanksgiving. It will be good to see her. I don't think this helps me any with closure because as I have said before X's relationship with his parents was never very good and I can see that type of relationship building with D. Personally, I would never ever want that type of relationship with my kids, but he just doesn't seem to get it.

Take care and keep busy.

I too have been struggling with letting WS go...I filed back before I knew about MB.Thinking it would wake him up from the Affairs,hasn't worked yet.
He thinks the actions I had to take were awful..he's mad at me for child support and we only get 100 a week,he's mad that he's over his head in bills after I left our place...But He told me to get out.Brought Ow over to get me to finally leave.Told me he would have sex right in front of me if I didn't get out of there.
He's mad because he has supervised visitation,because of his abusive past..and drug use.He's mad and uncomfortable because I helped pay bills now I'm not there to help.
I know he doesn't Love me,he fell out of love awile ago.
I was just hoping he would get help,but he feels he's fine that you can just use people(OW),,,he flat out said he doesn't like anyone he's using them.I'm still in Plan A...I'll be switching to B soon.Our divorce should be final in Feb/march.
He feels the world revolves around him...there fore he's to good to get help.
I miss the man I once knew,I miss cuddling and the Holidays are coming it's soooo sad.It's just me and our little man!!
His terms for even being friends are me paying my half of the lease(house)even though I don't live there He kicked us out,and for me to let him see our son every other weekend.
He went to jail for choking me I don't want my son alone with him.
But I love him not what he's done....I just miss him sooo.
How do you live without your soulmate!?

Closure - being able to close the door to that part of your life. No longer constantly looking through it, wondering what if this or what if that. Being able to let it all go.

I think true closure is IMPOSSIBLE if children are involved. Either you must deal with each other for the children's sakes, or even if you aren't talking at all you have this child bouncing back and forth between the two of you. Even if your WS left and you've not had contact (my situation), you still have the repercussions of that abandonment of your children to deal with.

I do however think we can find peace in the midst of the storm. God can give us peace even when chaos is around us. In this second failed marriage I was able to find that peace through my relationship with God, and He has helped me and guided me through it all. I don't have full closure because I'm constantly reminded my WS left everytime my DS talks about his dad. But I can let go and not worry.

I was not able to get full closure from my first divorce until our children were adults. I just didn't rely on God that time. For their sakes I tried my best to get along with their dad and be civil even though he wasn't. I finally told him in an email that since the kids were grown and responsible for themselves I didn't want to speak to him again. I didn't want to be his "friend" because he was a crummy friend, I was tired of him harping on our children for everything they do "wrong" and I wasn't his wife anymore so leave me alone. Lots of anger even after being divorced for over 9 years...he was a "button-pusher" and he know all mine...