If interested, see my other posts under Emotional Needs, Am I kidding myself?.

My H and I are definitely separating/filing for divorce. We've been going through the house the last couple of days splitting up the property (no kids thank God!).

Needless to say this is very emotional for me. Can anyone give me advice/references on how to heal and move on. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />

Thanks in advance

Hi Sue: Welcome to this board but sorry you have to be here.

It's going to be a very painful time for you. My separation occurred almost 7 months ago and my divorce should be final in the next couple of weeks.

For me, this has been the worst period of my life. I have gotten through it due to my wonderful friends and family. I also do things for myself (I don't have kids either). I go to the gym, take walks, bike ride, remodeled my kitchen, etc., anything to get my mind off things and get out of the house. I work full time so that pretty much takes care of the weekdays, but the weekends can be a lonely time. Emotionally, it is still tough but I believe that this is part of the healing process.

I can only suggest you spend as much time with friends and family as possible. Take good care of yourself.

I know how you feel. I am going through some hard time too. Here is my story: (posted on anohter page)
I am new to this board. I was looking around for marriage help and came across this website. I am in the same boat as Ang2, kind of. I have been married for almost a year, and my husband is ready to separate. I do not want to. I am totally against divorce, unless there is drugs or abuse involved. I wasn't raised to just walk away from something when the going gets tough. We haven&#8217;t even been married long enough to really give our marriage a chance. We saw a counselor once a couple of months ago, and I am going again tomorrow-by myself. He refuses to go. I do not know what to do, what I have done wrong, and where to go from here. I want to salvage our marriage. But I can't do it all by myself. We have problems, but doesn't everybody. I am not ready or willing to give up. He has threatened to do this before, but this time I think he is being for real. He is even talking about selling the house. Can some one please give me some help or insight.
Since then this has happened this weekend:
know for a fact he is not cheating on me. He works all the time, and I know his schedule. He works swing shifts, and loves his job-so I know he is not skipping work. When he is not at work, he is home sleeping. I know that he is not taking anyone out because, he doesn't have the money too, and that is one of our biggest problems. The only other place he goes is his sister's and one of his good friend&#8217;s houses. I have even drove past places to make sure he was where he said he was. He doesn't have the money to be spending on another woman either. I just don't understand why he won't talk to me or consider working through this. Our anniversary is coming up and it is going to be so hard to spend it alone. I tried and tried to talk to him all weekend, but it didn&#8217;t work. His sister called about 8:00 Friday night and he went over there, and came home about 11:30. I forced my self to go to bed in the other room, just so I wouldn't "bother" him when he got home. On Saturday. He left that morning to go get his hair cut and go to the gym. He was coming in as I was leaving to go shopping. I tried to speak to him and he blew me off. When I got home he had left to go to his sister's because his mom was coming in town, and they were all doing something together. I of course was not invited. I went to my parent for my dad's birthday, and came home early. I had all sorts of friend calling trying to get me to go out with them, but I stayed home. I didn't want to do anything else to push his buttons. I went to sleep I our bed. I woke up at 2:30, and he wasn't in the bed. I walked down the hall and he was asleep in the spare bedroom. The next morning I paced the floor until he woke up, and tried to talk to him and find out where he went the night before. He didn't want to talk to me. He told me how miserable he was with me and how he wanted out. His sister called and he went there to tell his mom goodbye. My mom called me about 4:00 and forced me to leave the house. I got ready and she picked me up. We passed him leaving my neighborhood. When I got home my mom came in and tried to talk to him, and he blew her off. I tried. Anyway- sorry this is getting really long. All night I tried and he screamed. I finally left for about and hour and came back. I tried more. I actually slept in the bed last night with him. Of course we didn't touch. And now he is at work until 6:30 tonight. What do I do when he comes home? DO I try? Can I get through to him? I told him I would do anything to make it work, and he says "it's too late", "I don't want it to work".
HELP ME <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />
I really am stuck. I want it to work sooo bad. What is your story suemh and fingers? What happened?

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Fingers1258:
<strong>
I can only suggest you spend as much time with friends and family as possible. Take good care of yourself. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Thank you for your suggestions. Here's the rub - we moved to this town from out-of-state three years ago. I remained employed by at my out-of-state job which required me to travel back there for approximately 1 1/2 weeks per month. It was a very high stress/pressure job and even when I wasn't "on-site" I was working (telecommuting) 60-80 hours a week. Needless to say that during the three years I've "been here" I haven't really made any local friends/contacts.

I have no family in the area.

I was just laid off so no job (panic!) to occupy my weekdays. (Husband is also out of work - hasn't worked in 5 years so I'm on my own here!)

I'm searching around the local area for support groups etc. and will continue to do so. Are you familiar with any books or other resources that would be helpful right now? 27 years of marriage is difficult to get beyond.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by LShip:
<strong> What is your story suemh and fingers? What happened?</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Rather than repeat it here, please see my post - Am I kidding myself - under the Emotional Needs section.

I hope you are able to work things out. I'm very new to this and am trying to find my way.

There's a book called "How to Survive the Loss of a Love". It's a very short book, with uplifting poems to help deal with many different types of losses.

In addition to this site, try to find a local Divorce Support Group. Mine has been a godsend of support, and they plan non-threatening social activities.

God Bless you though this time.

newly

Thank you so much for your help. I really appreciate your time.

http://divorcesource.com/

The above link will give you lots of places to go to get advice and support. I found that there are several divorce support groups in my community and I will begin attending one of these tomorrow night. Most here are held at churches, but after talking to one of the people leading these groups it's not a requirement that you attend church to attend the support group. Not that attending church and kick starting your spiritual life during this and continuing wouldn't be a good thing.

Take care of your self. God Bless

Biscayne,

Thanks for the reference. It took a lot of calling around but I finally found a place that is starting a group next month. I guess no one gets divorced around here during the summer.

I will be attending a DivorceCare group which I hear is good. Do you (or anyone else out there) have any experience with them?

Thanks again.

I attended the DivorceCare group at my local church.
To the best of my knowlege they don't run them in the Summer, but new classes should be starting up soon.
My Church group has an extented support group that they have been running through the summer, until the DivorceCare group starts back up... which will be soon.
I'm sure there is other Churches doing the same thing in other areas.
For me personally the groups work for me, and I have found them to be of great help in understanding the situation and circumstances that everyone is involved in... so I highly recommend them.
Stay Strong!
Wallace

Wallace,

Thanks much for the recommendation. I am looking forward (?) to getting into a support group. I called every church in this community and not one has anything going right now. I guess I'll just hold tight until the middle of September.

I went on my first "singles" outing last night. I really enjoyed being with new people and getting out of the pressure of my domestic situation for a while. I have a tendency to be very shy and find it hard to get out and meet people - just exactly the wrong reaction right now!

I'm really going to try to force myself out at least a couple of times a week.

Thanks again.

I hope you find a group soon.

About the singles thing, I wouldn't jump into that too soon. You're still wounded and need to do some soul searching to become healthy again. There are so many books out there to help. I'm also working on the Fresh Start - Divorce Recovery Workbook (there are seminars too) which helps with the emotional side. I've read that you shouldn't start dating until one year after the D is final, and that you should really wait 3-5 years before entering a serious relationship.

However, an old post here said that until you are divorced, you are still married and dating would be considered adultry or an affair. Just a thought for you.

Find new social activities, a book club, walking club etc., rather than singles activities. Anyone you meet is also great for networking for a new job.

Good Luck and take care of yourself. The stress of this is unbelievable.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by newly:
<strong> About the singles thing, I wouldn't jump into that too soon.</strong> </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Oops! Miscommunication. I'm not even THINKING about dating. My problem is that I don't have any friends or family in this town except my immediate neighbors - all married.

I'm just looking for activities where I can safely meet people. I need some human contact - friends, not lovers!!!!

The "outing" was a hike. I plan to continue to try and do more "group" activities, and am focusing my efforts on trying to find other singles (both sexes) who can teach me how to be single again.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by newly:
<strong> You're still wounded and need to do some soul searching to become healthy again.</strong> </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Amen. Thanks for the reference to Fresh Start - I hadn't come across that one and I really do need help on the emotional side.


</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by newly:
<strong>Good Luck and take care of yourself. The stress of this is unbelievable.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Boy is that an understatement! I'm just now beginning to try and eat again. That's good, but the not eating definately is/was not! I'm trying to be aware of my physical health but the mental side is so messed up I'm not doing too well on the physical.

Thanks for the support! I hope you are finding the help you need as well.

Sue.

I attended the Divorce Recovery group for the first time Tues night. They recommended that I attend the Reconciliation group first so that there wouldn't be any regrets in the future. Felt very good about going and the feel for the group.

From what they told me this is actually a yr long program.

WW was served with D papers about 10 mins before I went into the meeting and called me very upset. I talked w/ her again after the mtg, still very upset and crying uncontrolably. Unfortunately no tears about losing "us", just the posibility of losing our boys and the house.

Biscayne,

I'm very sorry for your emotional turmoil, especially since it seems your WW appears to have no regrets about losing the "us". My H seems to be in the same category. Everything I've read says he's feeling the loss too but I must admit I just don't see it.

I'm glad to hear the Divorce Recovery group was helpful. I'm really "looking forward" <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> to starting with a support group myself. I NEED help. (Not easy for me to admit!)

I'm interested in the "Reconciliation group first" idea. My H has steadfastly refused to talk about reconciliation for "at least a year". Were there any thoughts that the Reconciliation group could help if only one person is interested?

Thanks for keeping me posted on your experience with the support group. It will help me survive until the local one actually starts.