My x is a controlling person and has yet to express to me any remorse for the damage he has done to me and to our children.

I am, still, unable to forgive him for parts of this.

I like artchick's definition of forgiveness.

A long time ago, I realized that I was not ready to forgive him. And had discussions with minister and counselors about the concept of forgiveness. It was their opinion, and mine, that I didn't have to forgive him when I was still in such pain. When his assaults were so fresh and so on-going. I did need to remain open to the concept that someday it would be behind me and the forgiveness could come at that time. So, I felt free not to forgive him immediately and opened my heart to the possibility of it happening in the future.

And, with the passage of time, that forgiveness does come. It is still coming. When I pay the bills and rob Peter to pay Paul, I am injured anew but when the check book comes out in the black, I heal a bit.

For me it is an ebbing and flowing thing, still.

But it didn't really start until I realized that it didn't have to be immediate. I just needed to be ready to begin the process. To be open to forgiving.

And I had to forgive myself for my roll in the demise of the relationship/marriage. So, forgiveness of myself needed to preceed forgiveness of him.

And there's still work to be done.

Great responses!

I will definitely be looking for more books and info. on how to deal with controlling people.

As far as the forgiveness discussion goes, I do think that forgiving yoruself is a big part of the equation.

It's a process for sure.

Thanks for all of the input. It's great! K