Interesting day today. I have had my boys since yesterday about noon. We have been just goofing around a bit today. Had my youngest boy's soccer pictures this morning. Felt horrible being there with all the families that seemed so happy. But one of the other mothers on my son's team is also getting divorced and we talked a little bit. Not about the divorces, but just about things. She is very pretty and seems very nice, but that is the last thing either of us need right now. I wish that we could be friends however, I would like someone to talk with who is going through this because it seems that I can see the things that help others so much more than I can see the things that help myself. Maybe, she would be able to give me some insight on things that may help me.

My son had a soccer game this afternoon and my wife was there. She sat next to me and acted like nothing is going on. Just tried to talk and whatnot. I think she is trying to be good. She is trying to be interactive and just what she should be, but I am just not at that place right now. I look at her and all I see is the betrayal of our family. I see a person who is so self centered that she allowed and is allowing her "needs" to outweigh the needs of her family. The sad thing is that my boys probably will be better off, because at least I can raise them how I feel they should be raised. I had "given" on so many things, trying to make her happy. I had let her dissolve my responsibilities to my boys because she couldn't follow through with what needed to occur in order for whatever WE BOTH had decided on to flourish.

Anyway, I know that I didn't come across very well today, but damn it, I just can't be around her. I still feel the betrayal of our family far too keenly. I really don't cry for myself anymore. I have cried buckets over the last several weeks for myself, but I still feel very badly for my boys, when I think that for the lust of this woman and her weakness and lack of committment to her family, they will never have a whole family. I know that we could survive even now, but she would have to change so much for that to happen. I could get over things in time, but it would take time and she has no patience, so I doubt that she would be able to do what it took, even if she wanted to. But I will make my boys lives just as fabulous as I am able.

Was shepard at my church tonight for the first time. 8 little girls all kinder/1st graders. Wow, they are all little dolls. They really make me want to find a wife that is about 30 or so and have some more children. I love my boys and would really like to have that intimate connection with my wife. I would just die if I could have a little girl. My wife and I had decided that since she was getting a bit older, that after I got a real job, we were going to adopt a girl. Well, thank goodness I didn't get the snip, because now maybe I can have one of my own. That would truly be a blessing.

I was trying on shirts the other day and realized that a medium suits my body alot more. Shows the V look more and narrows my waist alot more than the baggy larges do. They still fit well, but don't show me nearly as well. Bought a 'Polo' in a shiney light blue and wore it with some silk slacks to work on Friday. Felt really good and was complimented more about my appearance during that half day than I had been in the last year. I kind of cheated and worked chest/shoulders/back/and arms all the night before. I was pretty buffed up still the next morning. I must admit, the shirt size really did make a difference. I have worn large for so long that I just assumed that I should still be wearing it. But with the changes I have been making, I find that the little snug medium puts more of me out for show. Guess that I kind of feel bad because that is not who I really am, but I just couldn't resist seeing what would happen.

I wish that I could be doing this all for the benefit of my wife. Who knows, maybe I am, my current or more likely my future.

You know, it is funny. Most people seem really to be worried about having a new relationship. I am not worried, I worry about having the RIGHT relationship, but I am not gun-shy of women. I want nothing more than to have someone that I can think about and love like I did my current wife. I just want that person to love me back in the same way. That will be novel in my life. At her height, I doubt that she ever felt for me what I felt for her at my least time.

Anyway, new glasses, new wardrobe, already been working on my inner self for the last 9 months. I feel like I am ready to light this candle and get on. Not on with dating, just on with life. I do think about dating though. I know that I am not ready and would only hurt whoever I was with because I still think of what my family has lost and I havn't come to a place where that doesn't dominate my pain. But I have faith that I will make it through this. Divorce class at church starts 9/25. Jewelry class is going OK. Just need some inspiration. The things I was going to make for my wife just don't interest me because I know that if I make them, that there will be no neck to hang them on. I miss my ability to make someone happy so much it just kills me. I feel like a horse rearing at the bit, trying to get back on the road and take off again.

I hope I don't scare off the right woman, or make the wrong woman like me too much.

Having a sleepover tonight. First since I have moved. 4 screaming kids in a condo. Sounds GREAT to me. I love having these things. Lets me join in and be a nut case for a while. Although one of the kids has been my nemesis for a while, he seems to have gained a little respect and is being much better. No kid-kabobs tonight... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" />

F/C,
I am feeling the same way, read your posts, and they touched me, see My Own New Thread in emotional, cause I can't type very fast.
I would love to join this club if you would let me, I really need daily support right now.
J, I think I am in love, you are an amazing woman. I hope that you continue to improve for yourself, an become the person you truley want to be, and feel.
I too, have been on the self improvement program, as of a couple of years ago, when W confessed infidelity, but I am finding out, either it was not enough, too late, or the A is continuing or another took its place.
I am always looking for support these last few weeks, as I am confused, in my seemingly dwindling marriage.
My head, as you all know, is all kind of messed up right now, and it is a great blessing that I have found here at this site. I believe I would be a good canidate for acception into this club.
Please keep me in your prayers, as you all are in mine daily....b

B.--We would love your to join all of us here. Not really a club, just alot of friends who come and say how we are doing and how we are stumbling through this wierd time in our lives.

FCC--Do you have my email? I am glad you had the sleepover. It's fun isn't it? My next door neighbor's sons came over last night and played until about 10 pm. They all had so much fun. I had so much fun. Lots more than if I had been out trying to pretend that I'm a single lady at a club or what not. Our WS's are fooling themselves and they will find out in the end how they are missing out on the best life has to offer.

I understand your feelings about kids. Personally, I wanted three. On Thursdays, a peds cardiologist brings in his patients and I see some teenagers but there's alot of babies also. Held a newborn the other day and almost cried in my exam room. I just hope and pray that God will one day bless me with that, as I am 33. Young, yet not in mid to late 20's anymore.

No word from Austin. Hope he is having a foggy Sunday afternoon. I did the same old thing I always do on Sundays and read the huge Sun. paper. I don't have a babysitter for tonight so the singles Bible study is out for 2 weeks. Anyhow, it's still really messy with the weather. I am and have been cleaning the house and am getting ready to start with the upstairs next. Did the hardwoods, then the kitchen floor and then wiped down walls, etc and windexed the tables, mirrors, etc. It looks and smells good, at least for son and I. I took a shower and look kinda cute today. Hair is doing a good thing although just blew it dry. So when Austin comes by, he will see a cute me, nice house, adorable son, and all he could have had.

His fog is indeed much worse, as he is wallowing in the new age bull philosophy. Is it just me or does anyone else here hate the "we are able to grow now but not together and we should make the most of our new singleness" poop that is being piled down upon us? So I will fog him right back. Not agree with him, but will convey that b/c he broke our vows and trampled on our marriage that I will embrace this singleness now and IT IS WHAT IT IS. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> I am damn and determined to live so well that it will eat him alive from within. Son and I ate a late dinner from a really good Chinese delivery. They actually cook healthy for this kind of food and they show you on their menus how they do it even. Son loves stir fried broccoli. I will eat the hot and sour soup later on for dinner tonight. All this housework has made me exhausted. Going to do part 2 next. I also need to shampoo carpets sometime today.

Austin gets son tomorrow as he is going on a business trip later this week. He muttered about switching weekends, but I am just going to let him go fully aware that I am indeed the responsible parent. It was so bad this morning when Austin called. He asked to speak with son and my son said "uh uh" and put his head down on the pillow. Son just didn't want to talk to him. Austin then told son to remember what they talked about, the phone thing that is, and son still did not talk. Austin then gave me what for b/c son did not talk to him after I asked son to do so. Said "I wasn't in control of the situation". Truth is, son doesn't want to talk to him. Son is probably understanding much more than Austin thinks he does. As per last weekend, son certainly understands. Understands this Ms. Monkeyho is NOT mommy's friend, that she SHOULDN'T be daddy's friend, and that Austin is living on the edge, I believe.

Last minute advice on what to do when Austin arrives? I watched "Legally Blonde" today while mopping floors. My friends and co workers said I should watch it b/c they think I look and talk like the girl in the movie. They were somewhat right. It was funny and I like how she worked to improve herself and her mind and when her x crawled back at the end she said "she didn't want a stupid bonehead" around. There was another quote I liked...A law professor tells Elle "are you gonna let some lousy pr**k ruin your future?". Good quote. For as long as the fog is thick and he is hiding behind poor choices and stupid excuses, he is a bonehead. I will just keep on keepin on.

Am going to rework my budget and attempt this week to buy some new outfits for fall/winter. Know I will only wear them when I go out or to church b/c I get to wear pj's to work (scrubs and lab coat). I am really blessed I get to do that b/c it really saves me money. From not buying new dress clothes to dry cleaning bills, it's great. Started in Jan. wearing dress clothes w/my lab coat and b/c everything I do is IV, blood was a flyin'. The scrubs thing was the next week and stuck.

Advice on Austin in the fog? Should I still plan A? Think the more A I do the less I am feeling. Son found a pic of him as a baby the day he was born. He was a preemie and I was in hospital for 9 days. Know I won't, but wish I could wave that pic in Austin's face and remind him of how I caught that little boy up before his first birthday and docs were saying it takes 2 years. How I almost died having our child and this is how he pays me back. Ask if he even remembered any of this part of his life at all? It makes me sick, sometimes. He can dismiss everything, making stupid excuses like we weren't friends or I didn't cook or clean enough or that I wasn't there for him. Bull. Unless you glued me to his side, those facts are just what they are. Pure bull poop.

Am wearing an aeropostale outfit and it's kinda like a workout thing. Shows that although I am not five ten with a figure of a stick with two canaloupes glued onto stick, that I indeed have curves and look good. He will have to see that. And know that if all keeps going on, one day someone else will appreciate this real legally blonde chick.

Oh, and for the daily improvement thing--I am going to do kickboxing tape before bed and read one more chapter of Dr. Phil's book. I must remember when Austin comes, that I am responsible for MY BEHAVIOR AND MY CHOICES. I am the one beating myself up about all this now. He is wrong, did very hurtful things to our M, but now is now and I am in control of me. It is not my choice anymore to keep beating myself up emotionally b/c of this bonehead and his selfishness. This day is ours and whether it is earthshaking or not, it is ours to claim.

Plus, I must remember the equation--agree with WS and try to understand their stupid statement or belief, then give reason of truth why I will understand them but NEVER GIVE ANY VALIDATION and NOT ACCEPT ANY EXCUSES, and then talk about me and something positive and off of subject and then slide in IT IS WHAT IT IS...Fog him back so he can glide back into his fog but a bit more confused perhaps.

Haha, Give it too him.

Well, I had another interesting day today. Seems like just as I start to soften up and think that there might be a way that I could once again be with my wife if she wanted to, she nails me to the wall with another "quip" that reminds me just what I am getting rid of.

Oh, why can't a wife and MY WIFE, be two different things. Why can't I trade this one in on a model that has at least a few screws that are still holding the machine together.

I took my sons to my youngest's soccer game today. She was there before us. She was almost late yesterday. I think she was trying to show me that she cared about our son, I don't know, maybe she just didn't hit any traffic. She was there about 20 minutes early since we showed up early to practice a bit before the game and she was already there.

Anyway, I have been taking my boys out for a few hours every weekend that they are with her. She has been very good and allowed it everytime except one. She was angry about something, but said she had plans with them. That is fine, I never thought anything more about it. Well, EVERY time I wanted to take the boys I would call or email her and ask a day or two ahead of time. We would make a time and I would take them out for golf and ice cream or to the park or something, "just us 3 boys", as they like to say.

Well, yesterday at the game she told my youngest son that she wanted to take them out for ice cream today if I didn't have plans. She never addressed me, she never asked me even right there in front of me. I jumped in and said "That will be fine." I should have said nothing and made her ask me, but I am always trying to smooth things over, even though she thinks I make everything harder.

I was somewhat upset by her presumption. I have absolutely no problem with her taking them, just the same as she lets me. But I was upset that she "asked" me by telling my youngest son. That way if I wanted to do something or already had plans, it would be "MY FAULT" rather than bad timing or planning. Although after what she did with them, they might pass next time on their own volition. Well I thought about it and decided that I would talk to her about it today at the game.

We were sitting there and both boys were out warming up. I moved over a chair and calmly said something to the effect "I would like you to ask me about taking the boys rather than say it to them. Therefore if I have something planned I will look like the bad guy." I didn't say "will you please" but I sure didn't say "Listen up damn it." either. She got "that" look on her face and said OK. But I knew that it wasn't OK. I asked her if she agreed. She said," You have just been stewing over this for 24 hours and just couldn't wait to tell me?"

I told her no, that I hadn't felt like it deserved a call, that I knew that I would be seeing her the next day, and that I had no problem with her taking the boys today. But she then started in with the "It is a two way street. I have been bending over backwards trying to give you everything you request. Etc. Etc." I just looked flabergasted. I couldn't believe that a simple and I felt very appropriate request about how to ask each other about taking our children was turning into another attack.

I stood up and went back to my seat, I can't be with that woman for even a couple minutes without feeling like I have been kicked in the stomach. I walked out on the field and as I came back she said "sit over here". I stupidly went and sat by her, I should have said "If you have anything to say, you come to me, because I am through getting shafted everytime I see you and then you expect me to come to you." (But I didn't, I would have had I thought about it fast enough, but I was hating the crap that had just transpired.)

She started in that my request was resonable and that she feels that she is giving so much. I just don't understand what she thinks she is giving. I truly think that she feels that she is being some sort of altruistic and magnanomous giver by "allowing" me to be with my boys. She seems to feel that since she watches our boys for about 5 hours total on my Mon/Tue that she is doing so much for me. Truthfully, she is responsible for them during those times. They both say that she doesn't do anything with them while she is at school. But they are in her room after school, so she is responsible for them. I appreciate it, but I could just as easilly have them go to the afterschool YMCA program, in which they would have alot more to do than be in her room goofing off. AND I could do it for a lot less than the extra money that I pay her each month for her maintenance. She is essentially making about $25 an hour just to be with her children during those times, although that is NOT why I pay her extra. I pay her so that she will have a little easier time and so our children will have a more stable lifestyle. I want for her and our boys to be comfortable. I just wish she would see that I am giving to her as well. She just can't. She seems to feel that she deserves everything that I give and that she is being 'extraordinary' when she does something helpful.

I would absolutely love to be with my boys. I would pay HER for me to be with them always. She acts as though she is doing so much for me in being with her children. It just drives me crazy. But this is the woman that I have learned about over the past two or three years. This is not a surprise although it still shocks me. She always felt "punished" by being with her children, as she told me many times as she gave me reasons why she didn't want to take them to the store, mall, anywhere and why she didn't want to tell my son to do his homework at school. I wish she would just give me the boys. I would pay her double what I pay her now to let me keep them. She could visit them on regular schedule just like most non primary parents do. I would never keep them from her, but I so want to be with them more. I would never try to take them, but I wish that she would willing let me take them more.

I asked them what they did when they went with her today. She took them to Baskin Robbins then ran around with them doing her errands. Hardly what they considered a fun time according to my oldest boy. But I know he loves her. I make an absolute point to always include her in our prayers and I always pump her up and say positive things about her. I mean it, not just for the points of including her for my boys, but that I truly hope that God is watching out for her in some way, because I am very worried that she is going to just drop off the face of the earth in a sense and be lost from all sense of reality. I don't know, I guess this just stems from my utter confusion about why this is happening in such a way.

The way she jumped on me today just reiterates my feelings that there is no way that she could do what was required to make our marriage work. The funny thing is, I was so incredibly upset with her afterwards. But as I drove off and they were in her car, I began feeling good for some reason. It is like she finally cut the last string teathering me to her with that remark and attack. I drove to the grocery store singing and "dancing" without even realizing it until I realized that I was jumping around in the car as I sat at a stoplight.

I don't know what is in store for me, but I am very hopeful right now. I know that these types of days don't necessarily last, but they are coming more often, and this one occurred in spite of the insufferable actions of my wife. She is not in the fog, she is buried in a brick. The fog almost seems like there can be some movement, regardless of what type it is. She is so unbending that she can make a statement like me saying "The sun comes up in the East" into something bad. Like, " Yes, but your side of the bed is on the West so you get to be closer to the sunset than I do, and besides, the sun comes up in my eyes in the morning and blinds me." That is just about how she acts about everything.

The world is against her, and she seems to be fighting everything and everyone at all times. But mainly she seems to be fighting everything through me.

I had a dream about her and her 'boyfriend' last night. It was erie. I have never seen him nor heard him described, mainly because no one other than she and I know he exists, and she doesn't know that I know yet. But I got such a clear picture in my dream that it is still like I have just seen him. I don't remember ever having anything quite so detailed in my dreams before, but I can see him exactly even now. Not that I want to see him, but it would be interesting to see what he really looks like.

I am going to post this here so that if I ever do see him, I will know how close my dream was to him. He was shorter than me, probably 5'10" or so. Was wearing jeans, black belt, and black boots with a white "polo" type shirt tucked in. He was well groomed with a somewhat large mustache. He had black hair with a little gray scattered through it. He actually reminds me of a decent looking truck driver. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> Now I doubt that this would be the guy that she would want, but who knows. It was just so vivid in my dream. haha, If he looks like this I will start playing those numbers I keep thinking of in my dreams for the Powerball. hehe <img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" />

<small>[ September 16, 2002, 02:35 AM: Message edited by: Formerly Confused ]</small>

hi people,
i made it through another weekend, they seem to be the most difficult as i am at home and not work.
still status quo in the marriage dept. i continue to do the things i want, self improve and spend time with the kids.
i have posted so much on here i do not remember if it was here i asked the question, now that it is clear to me with W wanting to move on without me, what do i do now, wait for her to set divorce in motion, keep on being just friendly with her?
continue to give her space and remain backed off with no pressure? i don't know what to do, this is all something that would have never happened to us, due to my blindness, and reluctance to see things as they really are.
i think i will add a new post of my own, here in D/D so as to not clogg up your thread....if i have time today.
as always, thank you for your support.
in Gods love.....b

Well I went out for the first time last nite. No it wasn't a date. I went out with some people from work to eat supper and to have a few beers. One woman went that they think I should ask out but I am just not ready for that. I still have hope for my wife and I. I just don't think God is done with that situation yet.

I have to tell you this though. Before dinner I noticed a guy sleeping in the downtown gazebo. Somehow I struck up a conversation with him and just talked to him for a minute. He said he came from AZ and slept in bus station last nite but he didn't have anywhere to go. It was pouring down rain and I told him after supper I would help him find a place(I have always had a passion to help people). After supper I found him and took him with me to the big hotel in town(executive inn) so I could call some of the missions in town for him to stay(it is still raining and it is like 11:00). I call several differant ones for about 30 to 45 minutes and no one will answer. So I pray about it and God reminds me I have a house with nothing in it but a couch and a T.V. so I take the man to my old house. We stop and get him something to eat at Mcdonalds and I asked him on the way home if he was saved and if he knew the Lord as his personal savior. He answered some questions that told me he was probably a christian. I didn't get home untill 12:30 or so but it felt so good to help someone and witness to them. I took him a change of clothes this morning and gave them to him. He was going to help me paint some today but it is still raining so I contacted a mission and took him there. When I got there the residents that were there greeted him with open arms and the man I took had the biggest smile on his face when I left. It looked like he was thinking "Finally someone cares". He asked for my number so he could pay me back but I told him just to help somebody someday and to keep God in his heart. As I left I cried for him. I thanked God for what I have and what he has done in my life over the last 9 months. I guess I just realized again how great God is.

My workout to improve myself is going great and I feel so much better(physically).

I am about done with the house getting it ready to sell. I still cry everyday when I am over there working. I just love my wife so much and I would go to any links to have her fall in love with me again. I just have to leave it in Gods hands but it is hard.

Love in Christ
cajunky

<small>[ September 20, 2002, 09:09 AM: Message edited by: cajunky ]</small>

I am down about 30 Lbs. since start of year.

Good for you C++,

That is a very uplifting story. I ho0pe that you get those good feelings alot from now on.

My day has not been very good. Morning was fine, went to my sons' school to pay for their lunches through December (that way I can support my children rather than just give her money.) While I was in the office waiting for the secretary, I looked on the desk there and there were some flowers to my wife. I don't know who they are from, but my suspicions are that they are from the OM. The assistant principal (yes, the one that took the naked pictures of my wife to send to her other lover via email) came out of her office when she heard my voice and looked at me. I don't know why, but I wondered if it was because she was worried whether I would see the flowers. I have no idea. the flowers could have been from anyone, but she has the boys this weekend, so she couldn't have seen her man since Wednesday morning. at least she hasn't been parading him throught their lives yet.

Anyway, that hurt a bit. I am not sure why, I guess just because it is all so real. I used to send her flowers at school. I used to bring her flowers and cards and have the secretary sneek them into her room. I used to go to school just to have lunch with her. Oh, I don't care for her, but I miss and hurt so much at what I lost and how little it all meant to her. I just don't really care about her, but it still hurts me deeply to have been betrayed in such a way. And she is just continuing on with her life like there is no problem. She has another man and her life is wonderful.

I don't care about her, but I wouldn't mind her being miserable a little about the whole situation. I wouldn't mind her feeling a bit of pain. Maybe she does and just holds it together while she is around me, but her way of dealing with things is to push them back and go out and party. I am sure that is what she is doing and while it doesn't bother me too much, I guess I just want her to care about what is happening somewhat. I don't want her back, I really don't. I want to feel better, and I have been more and more.

She emailed me saying that she wants to discuss some things about the final agreement. I don't know whether I want to talk to her about it or rather just have her submit it to my lawyer and then make changes back and forth. I really don't want to talk with her about it, but I also don't want to drag this out over a long time. She wants out, so do I. All I want are my boys. All she wants is money. The only two sticking points that I can see is the primary custody even though we are 50/50, and her student loans. Everything else we pretty much agree on I believe. I would be willing to take her stupid loans for her not fighting my desire to have the 51/49 custody. I don't want it all, although I would gladly take all of my boys. But I just don't want to drag them through a fight. But I may if I can't get the 51%. They are the only thing that I desire out of my history with her. She has totally and irrevocably destroyed any feelings that I have ever had for her. And that trust that I had in her is so broken, that I am afraid that I will never again be able to trust another woman.

And Oh, how I want to trust another. I want so much to love again. I deeply miss being in love. I deeply miss all the thoughts and feelings that go with being in love. I miss having a reason to be around EVERY DAY. Not just Mon/Tue and every other weekend. That is how I feel right now.

Self improvment time....

Gym is going great, however I went last night and had a pretty crappy workout. I think I worked our too hard last Monday and didn't give myself enough time to recover. But anyway, found a few sport coats on sale and have pretty much finished with the major wardrobe changes. I think I need to get a couple more pairs of shoes, but otherwise I am set until winter I think.

Body is looking pretty good. Going to "Atlantis" end of October. We were soupposed to be going to a resort together, but since all this happened, I had to change the plans. I decided that since I was already paying for it, I might as well go anyway. I really don't want to go alone, but don't want to take anyone with me either. I know about 10 women that would go with me on a moments notice, but I really am not ready for anything like that in the least. So I am just focusing on really looking sharp, I don't really know why, I guess it gives me something to think about and concentrate on. A goal if you will.

Was asked by another guy about what sort of lifting routine I was on. I really have only been lifting since the beginning of September, but my muscless seem to be responding rather well. I used to be totally buffed up in my early 20's. 6'2" 197 lbs with 7% bodyfat. I looked pretty sharp. Well, I havn't looked that good in a while, but I am at same weight and bodyfat is at 11% right now. Abs are still flat, but only top four are showing well. So my goal is to turn this 4 pack back into a 6 pack before I go to the Bahamas.

I have been getting alot of compliments which make me feel good. Everyone at work always loved me, so they are all feeling my pain. They can't understand what she is up to, but they are all supportive of me anyway. I don't have many close friends. I tended to spend all my time with my family when I wasn't working. I really need to find some people to be with more often. I have been fending off fix-up dates right and left. I am just not ready and besides I am still married. But it sounds like we could be divorced soon, by the sounds of my wife's email.

Other self-improvment...

Divorce group at church starts next Wednesday. Thank goodness. Maybe I can get some solid forward motion to my life again. I have found that I have made alot of progress on my own and with counseling, but I would like to be with some other people who are and have gone through this. I would like to develop some friendships with some people who understand. Everyone that I know that have divorced say it is the hardest thing in their lives, and don't really talk much about it. They just shake their heads and say "It gets better." I know that it will get better. I just want to have some ideas about things to do to help it along, or fill the void until it does.

I agree, I really want to be loved again and am deathly afraid that I will "fall: for the first woman that I kiss. Wow, I could really use a button that turned off my "marriage" desire and allowed me to be with people without that dominating my thoughts. I tend to look at every woman right now as a potential wife. And I don't want that. Someone wrote in another post once, saying something to the effect 'I will remarry when I have reached a point that I am fine with my life and when I find someone that ADDS to it."

I am definitly in the 'fill the hole" stage, and that is not fair to either her or me, ESPECIALLY her. I just wish that there was some way that I could safely go out with a woman, and have fun and drink some wine, and maybe even kiss her goodnight, without feeling that I had to examine her and if she didn't meet criteria, then I wouldn't want to be with her again. I guess I mean that I don't want to date just to date. I want to date to be find someone that may eventually be my wife. And in so doing, I don't want to date women that "COULDN'T" be my wife for reasons such as age, Doesn't want kids, isn't christian, etc. These are all non-negotiable in my book, but how do you find these things out???

Anyway long post. Maybe I will Post separately on this topic.

Cajunky: Awesome! You are so kind and that is definitely part of God's plan. You may have turned that guy's life around. Give the other time my friend. She has alot of anger probably stored up now. Remember, God will either put her back in your life or has a better plan altogether for you...It's hard and I don't always feel it, but it is true.

C+++: Way to go!!!That is so awesome..I really admire that.

I am trying to get off 10-15 so I will be in my college shape. Doing good and working out each day. Hardest part is the exhaustion part. Overcoming that. Tonight I am supposed to go out and eat sushi w/some of my girlfriends but they still haven't called me back and I need to know something b/c son is with me. Can only stay out for a few hours tonight. I like to be back early when son is with me. Unlike Austin who has had son stay w/a sitter all night, I just want son to feel secure always.

I am doing ok today. Had a close call at work w/ a patient. Sometimes I am just sooo dad gum tired. I want to get a life but am just so tired sometimes I don't want to go out. Being a full time single mom and a full time professional w/no family nearby to help or relieve is almost wearing me down totally. Almost cried on my way home from work. I feel like there is no end in sight for me. No relief. No breaks. Just go and go and go. Also got a letter from leasing co. Turns out, Austin's late on two payments and it is now affecting MY credit. Oh, I am co signer on lease so they are contacting me now. That's all I need. Sure like to see them come get $$$ from me. This means I have to contact attorney again. More $$ to attny so I don't have to pay more $$$ to leasing co. Arrrrrgh..He is living like a king, living large on vacation right now. He always knows how to turn a business trip into a pleasure trip. And I am worrying about how to pay all the bills he left me with. That won't get off of my back until D is done. Wasn't it enough he left and cheated? Couldn't he just have been truly fair with the settlement and the money also? Can't I get a fair break from this? I already know my answer though. How could I expect honesty and fair treatment from someone who lies to me and violates all that was sacred? If he can't keep a promise to me or God or our family, then I shouldn't ever expect anything different. Sorry for this vent, but I am aggravated.

Sometimes I just think who'd ever want me again. I struggle each day despite still being legally M'd to a guy who can afford exotic trips and luxury vehicles and homes. A tired, worn mother with a broken heart and spirit to match sometimes. Alot of the times I am able to overcome this feeling, but it seeps back. I am still attractive but am really afraid this tiredness is starting to show in me. My eyes look tired now and so much more than this time last year. Hope my friends call soon b/c I really need to have a night where I can feel good about myself again. Tomorrow son and I are going to spend the whole day having fun. If it's raining we are going to a museum. If not, to Callaway Gardens and I will pack a picnic for us. He is what is keeping me going each day. When I picked him up from school today he told me that I was his "pretty mommy" and that one day he wanted to marry me when he grew up. It was the sweetest words I ever heard.

At the heart of it all, I knew I had to file for D b/c this will be breaking a cycle of A that started w/his grandfather, led to his father's A, and will stop with my son. He will not grow up in a home where A are ok. Where we tolerate behavior like that. Where he will learn love, patience, and trust. And it is my prayer one day my son will grow up and become a wonderful man and hopefully an equally wonderful husband and father to a very sweet girl one day. If means raising him this way is to raise him as a single mom, then I will always be up for that job no matter how tiring it is.

Gotta go. Need to check messages. Have a good night and I will check in with you later.

God is awesome isn't he. I have to share two things that happened and I am giving God the glory for them.

1. My brakes went bad all the sudden and I took my truck in to get serviced. It happens that I had to have a lot of work done to brakes to even make them operable again. It is going to cost me over 400 dollars. I get home and I get a phone call from work and they offer me enough overtime to cover the cost. I look up and thanked God for his goodness.

2. I went to my SA meeting today and I stayed after to do some more work with one of the older members. As we were working he stopped me and told me him and a couple of the other members had talked last meeting about how great I was doing in the program. He said there isn't a lot of members that can go through what I am going through and stay sexually sober. I told him the same thing I have said so many times "I am not going back to my old lifestyle that made me lose the love of my life and my kids." He said he could see a big change in me since I had started coming to the meetings. He said I was becoming an inspiration to some of the members. I told him there was no way I could have done this without God. He said "It is ashame your wife can't see the change we do."

Just thought I would share what God did for me this weekend.

My wife is having to replace the engine in her SUV. I am praying that God will provide for her like he did for me. Maybe he will provide for me so I can pay for it for her.

I love her so much and I want so badly to be sharing the good times as well as the bad times with her

Love in Christ
cajunky

<small>[ September 23, 2002, 07:41 AM: Message edited by: cajunky ]</small>

lost 3 more.....going, going, gone.........

Cajunky,
Ask to be a kindhearted giver and God will provide that need. You are becoming quite the guy. Somehow your W has to find this out. May take time. Ask your pastor how or ask the Harleys here. They would be ones to ask.

C+++ way to go!

I dieted great today. Am getting ready to go to gym. Tonight after my cardio workout I am going to do a Pilates tape after putting son to bed. Elongates muscles and tones awesome. That is the new plan. Eating right, living right, exercising right equals smart woman and a better mother.

My little girl told me out of the blue this weekend, "Dad, I really miss you tucking me in every nite." You talk about making my heart hurt real bad. I told her I really missed it too and that I was sorry for what I had done then I made both my kids look me in the eyes and I told them I loved them and their mom more than anything in the world. She didn't see me but I started crying.

My son and I played paintball for the first time. We had a blast. It was one of the best days we have had. On the way home he kept saying "Dad that was awesome wasn't it".

I love doing things with my family.

Love in Christ
cajunky

Doing pretty good lately. Went to my counselor yesterday and she said that she was amazed at how well I am doing. I guess that I am almost scared that I am feeling as well as I am, since relatively speaking, I am new at this. I guess that I dealt with more over the last 9 months than I thought I had.

Anyway, I told her of my desire for companionship. This feeling that I really want someone to share with. I told her that I am not at this moment ready to date, but that I have really been feeling the need to share an evening or day with a woman. Maybe just platonic, but maybe more. I don't know. I wish that there was a safe button on me that I could push that would allow me to go out when I am finally divorced and not fall for someone.

Anyway, the improvements.....

Been working in the gym still. I guess that one good thing about all this mess is that my body has rebounded VERY WELL.... I have been complimented more in the last few weeks by both men and especially women than I have in the last several years. I also think that the fact that I have some clothes that fit me really well makes a difference as well. Thank goodness for sales at L.S. Ayers. Anyway, no bragging, but I was told by at least 3 different women and a guy today that I looked was looking great. The guy said, "Well, now that you have this physique of a model, what are you going to do with it?" and the ladies all commented separately. One said that I could pose for J Crew. Anyway, talk about a bit of ego polishing. I guess that I am beginning to feel that when I am ready to begin reentering my social life with a woman, that maybe I will be able to offer her something with my mind, body, abilities, and soul that will be worthwhile for her love. I don't know.

I know that I didn't take care of myself as much as I wish I had while married. But I was about 90% where I am now when my wife left for the last time. She even commented that it made her decision more difficult. But obviously the 43 year old divorcee had something that a 33 year old doctor and father of her children didn't and could never have. That is OK. I see what opportunities my life has in store for me, and I feel sad that the woman that I loved for so long and planned my future with will not benefit. I don't know what she expects from me in the future, however all she can know is that I will take care of my boys incredibly well. And she will get to ride on their coat-tails when they are with her. But I will not support her.

She chose someone over me, and will not have my stability and another man have her heart and body. If she needs money, let him give it to her. I am giving plenty for my boys, but she will just have to buckle down for herself. She cannot live the lifestyle that she was used to simply because my children live with her 50% of the time. I will provide for them in every way. But she will be responsible for herself and her life.

She could have had everything and she chose lust. In my opinion it is a poor trade, but one made several times so it truly is her choice. Opportunities for what I could and wanted more than anything to do for her were cast aside for the lust of two internet affairs and a local affair that she allowed to once again reinsert itself into our lives.(All of these affairs were going on at the same time by the way. There might have been some unmet EN, but this is not her out trying to meet them. This 3 affairs at a time thing, is just her selfishness and insanity.)

I have been feeling this sense of peace that cannot be quite understood. I wonder whether it is because of some artificial bandaid that has been place over the wound, or is it true healing of some fashion. I think alot about good times in the last few years, and wonder where she was when these things were happening. How anyone could have the joy even similarly to what I encountered and yet still feel so down about our marriage. I guess she was truly the queen of deceit. All the "fun" that we had must have paled in comparison to the miserable feelings that she endured.

Anyway, lets hear a few good things that are going on. Compliments, thoughts, circumstances, etc.. I know that we often have very little to be happy about, but if we look around, sometimes we find that we are covering our happiness over with our own brought about misery.

Come on Peachy, C++, cjack, Wallace, etc. Lets hear a good thing, no matter how small. What did everyone have that was even remotely good today?

Lets hear it from everybody. Change is an unknown commodity that until we partake of it, we have no idea of whether we like it or not.

<small>[ September 27, 2002, 06:51 AM: Message edited by: Formerly Confused ]</small>

Hi folks,

Is it too late to join this self-improvement club?

<small>[ March 24, 2003, 05:06 PM: Message edited by: AD ]</small>

Sure AD join in on the fun..

F.C.

I am still remembering the hot rocks/massage comment you made a few weeks ago and told my girlfriends about it. We want to go to spa and have a spa day and get that done!!!

I woke at 6 am and did a pilates tape. Then went to work and did my diet all right. I am going to aerobics tomorrow morning and then clean up a bit and get a pedicure and manicure..Tomorrow is the BIG GIRLS' NIGHT OUT. And I am also beginning to embrace this wierd peace thing as well. Some days I feel much older than my 33, but today I felt positively 23. And sometimes my girlfriends and I giggle like we are 13. But that is the good part. Tomorrow night I shall turn ATL into Peach Puree as I emerge from my humble abode...We are going to a nice dinner first then out to heat up hotlanta...Maybe to cosmopolitan or to leopard lounge (martini place and pretty cool). Never been to either and my buddies said that it is time...IT IS TIME... I played my destiny's child today in my cd player in suv on way to work to get psyched up for my emergence back into life as we know it..Played "Independent Woman pt. 2", "Bootylicious" and my other anthem "Survivor". I was dancing in my seat and when I walked into my door near my office I was smiling like I had not done in some time. Everyone wanted to know what was up. I said that tomorrow night ATL was going to meet one cool mama..Nurses and MA's gave me hi fives...All day asking what i was going to wear, how to fix my hair (it is long) and what to do with my toenails...GIIC, do not fear my friend, when I get my pedicure tomorrow, it will either be a modest french manicure or my favorite, "so ho nice to meet you" by opi. None of the scarlet talons with designes airbrushed into them...I'll decide their color when I pick out the ensemble..

Yee ha! I am going to get a life somehow..I am going to try!!!Not going to attempt to meet anybody, but to just do a test run. Had a few over the last few months but not one like this.

But I gotta be responsible. Won't have more than 2 cosmopolitans and eat a lite dinner. Will have either lemon and sparkling water after that or iced tea. Hey, I am from the south ok? My buddies (both of whom are really cute and in between boyfriends now) said that we could have our own comedy show...We'd call it "Lack of S#x in the Suburbs"...LOL !!!!

So how's that for improvement? Can you say that GETTING ON WITH MY LIFE IS AN IMPROVEMENT????? (APPLAUSE HERE NOW)

Bye guys and gals..

Tomorrow is Sat. night. Let's see who has a good time GETTING ON WITH LIFE TOMORROW NIGHT. You must post here and let us in on it. That is the rule.

Peachy, Let me tell you how a real man does it....

the Hot rock massage that is...

I spent about 6 hours looking for just the right rocks and container. I ended up choosing this great looking copper bowl, kind of a flared vase shaped. Into which I put several about 20 smooth rocks, (of various colors of course, must be stylish) about half the size of a bar of soap. I also found a bunch of smooth rocks about the size of flattened marbles. A couple handfuls. These are best found at a little higher end plant nurseries.

Now you put these in a pan of hot water and simmer them for about 10 or 15 minutes. You want them hot all the way through. Then I put them in the copper bowl with some of the hot water from the pan. I happen to have a little hot plate warmer, that runs on butane. It is actually to keep food dishes warm at potlucks, but this is the real job in which it excells.

Anyway my lady is comfortably laying on her stomach and soft music and lighting is a must. The oil, lightly scented of course, is put in the water and warmed. The massage starts off with dry hands, proceeds to oil, then to the rocks. Each rock is carfully laid on her back, careful to make sure that the temp is just enough to be slightly uncomfortable initially, but quickly becomes fantastic. Two hands, two rocks, circular massaging, changing when the rocks cool. Intermix this with an ice cube now and then for variety. Then you pick up a handful or two of the gravel and with both hands rub that all over her back. Making sure that plenty of oil is used to allow for easy massaging.

A rough terry cloth towel is used to rub off the excess oil at the end. It is my belief that when done correctly, or incorrectly for that matter, (I mean how can this type of thing be messed up, there is no right or wrong way), that anyone receiving the massage will be feeling wonderful. Now there is no reason why this shouldn't work on a man as well. I just happen to be one, and I prefer the soft, lovely curves of a woman.

<small>[ September 28, 2002, 07:35 AM: Message edited by: Formerly Confused ]</small>

OH MY G*d!

I am going to print this off and show it to my girlfriends and will read it aloud tomorrow night over a cosmopolitan and dinner with them..Can't wait to see the looks on their faces..One of them just broke up with a guy who was an intern..He didn't pay attention to her. But maybe this piece of paper can help them work on things as they just broke up yesterday...

Only a real man can learn this procedure..One day maybe when I am freed of being in my "mother teresa" mode and able to leave the convent, lol, I will attempt this should I find the proper subject. But, alas I am hopeful. Starting the census tomorrow night..

Boy are the girls gonna enjoy reading this..I won't show any other parts of posts or anything and in fact, nobody I know knows that I am here..So the 'HOT ROCK TREATMENT" will stay a mystery as to the source. Just think...F.C. You could become an ATL underground urban legend with this. Women in GA will ask, who is this man who can do this thing? Why is he so elusive? And most importantly, "Why don't more men do this?"

For those attempting recovery, this might be a definite COOL ADDITION TO PLAN A. Guess you could call it a Maximum A.

Ok...Nobody ask me about why I will not give advice on how to wax your legs, eyebrows or BACK..

I just replied to "Geez..She REALLY" a bit ago and I told him most side splitting story about how I waxed Austin's back.

It is the most hilarious thing I've ever done. I am not at all a mean person. Am really kind and cannot believe what got into me that day..

Read it and remember: THE HOT ROCK THING IS GOOD FOR COUPLES TO DO TOGETHER. TO STAY IN THE ROMANTIC GROOVE, DO NOT OFFER TO WAX ANY PART OF YOUR PARTNER'S ANATOMY...

LOL LOL LOL! Read that reply and fall off your chair.

WOW..sounds like everyone is having more better days,,its great to see!!!! I know we all struggle with the dating issues,,I really did. Buuuutttt,,,I've stopped struggleing and have totally embraced it...and wow I feel awesome. A massive self improvement!!! Iv'e been seeing a single Dad for about 2 weeks now,,and it sure feels great to be romanced and pursued..My divorce will be final in about 3 weeks. It's all totally about self worth,,i deserve to be treated like a woman,and im attractive,and dont want to be alone...so,,im definately moving on...am certainly printing the hot rocks massage thingy,,that sounds very very romantic......