I just found out my XW has BPD. This made everything fall into place for me. Now I have the dilemma of her living across the street with someone with a very bad problem. Does anybody know what I should expect?

A week ago she tells me she is considering coming back. Three days ago she said she is getting married. Yesterday she said she didn't say she was getting married just that they were considering it. Fortunately I was able to repeat her exact words back to her.

Moving on: I believe that my XH also suffers from some sort of personality disorder or bipolar. When my XH and I first separated, I saw a psychologist and when I explained my XH's personality, he told me it sounded like he was bipolar.

Like you, my XH lives close by. Almost right behind me. Luckily, I have a privacy fence along my back lot line.

The only way I have learned to survive is to try and totally detach. It's hard when your former spouse lives in the same neighborhood. I find myself looking over my shoulder when I am taking a walk or riding my bike or even driving my car, hoping he is not behind me. It's a horrible way to live. I keep hoping he will move, but we both own our respective houses and not much chance of him moving for a while anyway. And I am not going anywhere.

Do you have to have contact with your XW? It doesn't sound like you have kids together. I am assuming you can't move or don't want to. I would just offer you the advice to have no communication with her at all, if possible, and don't acknowledge her presence if you see her. Sounds like she is very wishy washy so maybe she will move soon.

yes, but unofficially diagnosed. . . .

i would say, leave the area, forget any reconciliation, you do not have any kids, just move on and forget she ever existed. . . they are very manipulative, very self centered. . . and just suck the life out of you ..

wiftty

Moving On -

Listen to wiftty - he knows from years of experience.

My ExH could be diagnosed with that too.

Go to the link on wiftty's post for BPD and start researching - it's not a fun road and it takes YEARS of counseling on the part of the person who has the disorder to become normal again, and if your W does not want to work on herself then forget it.

Sorry we sound harsh, but if you choose to deal with this for a while, you too will sound the same - and do you really want that?

K

My x had some borderline personality disorder traits. One counselor recommended I read I Hate You, Don't Leave Me. I have heard it commended elsewhere.

Thank you one and all and an update:

She called me today to meet her. She is in a very bad way and is trying to get professional help but the OM will not acknowledge she has a problem and blames everything on me.

The OM has been incredibly manipulative and my XW has figured that out.

I know my XW and her games very well. This was different. This was no game. This was about her and it was a scary thing to hear.

I have researched BPD a little and acknowledge that I have to be very very careful. I also know that I am prepared to stick with her through this or completely detach from her. I know a life with her would be hell for a while. I've been through hell for 9 years. Many VERY GOOD years but the last few very bad. I didn't know what was going on with her. She has to get help on her own.

I have found numerous resources and I will be getting books to help myself.

Good for you Moving,

I must tell you that before I became an MD I was a psychologist. BPD is one of the most difficult disorders to treat, because in essence, the person is able to generally adapt and function in an environment, therefore they have great difficulty in ever really getting helped. The reality of this is that they tend to swing more widely than many think and more narrowly than many think as well. Little things will be noticed sometimes on a weekly basis in which the person will be great one day and hell the next for "no apparent reason". You are an easy target, because they don't think of themselves as being a problem.

I must confess, that next to schizophrenia and Multiple personality disorder, my opinion is that Bipolar disorder is the hardest to treat. The others just don't do well in almost any circumstance. However, BPD is like an indolent infection that the person can't or at least may not recognize until the behaviors have become so extreme that it is too late.

On the other hand, BPD may very well be controlled or minimized with medication. This is the IDEAL disorder for Lithium. It is almost universally prescribed for BPD at least as a first line medication. Those people that respond, may do very well. Unfortunately, almost uniformly in my experience, they tend to break with the regimen and end up once again swinging.

I had a patient who was a school teacher. She could hold herself together during school, but would end up falling apart during any type of holiday/vacation where they were out of school for more than about 2 days. Every Thanksgiving, Christmas, Spring Break, and most of the summer she would end up hospitalized because her structure and "reason for staying together" were not in place.

I sometimes wonder if my wife has some of this trait. I know that she has something going on, but I have tried to refrain from labling her because I am afraid that I will end up treating her as that diagnosis rather than my wife.

Really think about this Moving On, I must admit that if this is the problem and you don't see some real progress early, then in all liklihood, your wife may not make a "realistic" recovery and it would in my opinion be a time for very careful consideration on just how hard you try to resolve your marriage. Not that I am telling you she is broken so run away while you can, but this disorder is EXTREMELY difficult to deal with, and in my opinion, the behaviors of your wife might preclude any meaningful recovery simply because of the baseline that she is coming from.

My opinions and rememberances. I am no longer a psychologist, but if she needs an cerebral aneurysm coiled, then give me a call. That I can do in spades. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" />

I would just like to make a point b/c I am also in med field and my minor was psych.

One of my relatives has the lovely job of admitting alot of people to psych ward. He has told me that BPD is one of the biggest misdiagnosed psychological disorders.

I would say that anyone hearing from a counselor who has never seen that individual that their spouse/friend/whoever, has BPD has a good chance of being wrong w/diagnosis. Personally, it is disgusting to me when a counselor says someone "sounds like a manic depressive, etc" when they've never had the chance to sit down and examine the person in question period.

Personal experience: went to a "counselor" and attempted to work on me to help wih plan A and MB philosphy. Counselor said "h sounds like he is sociopathic or has tendencies". Later on when H goes to vent and basically give excuses to this "counsleor" she then turns around and says that she wasn't sure but thought I had some disorder as well. She discussed with H things I had never allowed her to say and also was not open or up front with me. Kinda like a he said/she said kind of situation with counselor only aiding in confusion. Immediately quit going to her for that reason.
Make sure that the person handing out the serious diagnosis is professionally capable of doing so. BPD has many characteristics, many of which you will find in basically normal people if you read the med textbooks. For a true DX, you should have the person with an examiner who HAS EXPERIENCE with BPD patients and their treatments. Serious DX Needs serious treaments. If you believed you had cancer, would you send yourself or a loved one to a general practioner or to an oncologist? My bro in law has one thing that he has said is very common among them--many admissions to hospitals. That is the biggest common thread he has seen. Just food for thought.

There are other diagnosis that have similar characteristics to BPD initially, that's why you have to have a proper evaluation to determine. Don't take second hand advice from someone who has never evaluated the person first hand. Even if counselor had that kind of experience, or even initially seen this person, you'd have to get a serious second opinion, probably best with either psychiatrist or psychologist for confirmation.

It is kind for not wanting to give up on her, your W. If she is truly willing, give her a time to heal with PROPER TREATMENT AND THERAPY. Try for a while, at least. Living with another man, making stupid and selfish decisions doesn't even necessarily mean that someone has any psych problems at all. So if she has said she has it, find out who told her, etc. And if she is willing, then you take appropriate and loving steps. Isn't this site called MARRAIGE BUILDERS? I would try for a while. Our vows do say in sickness and in health, right?

Please THINK and PRAY about it. Jesus wasn't afraid of helping lepers or healing the sick. He would love them even more. Plus, the sick came to him for help. WWJD? So don't initially turn your back on her. I saw many people, people who became homeless after discharges from a state psych hospital b/c either H or W or family turned them out into street because they didn't want to have to endure the possibility that the road to their loved one's recovery may be a bit rocky for a while. Some could have had the chance for a good recovery in the right environment.

Thank you all for you replies.

She was previously diagnosed with DID. I believe. That was 5 years ago and at the time I was ignorant and thought she would just get over it. I know better now. I am looking for a qualified therapist and I am not trusting just to anyone. I will be sticking with her through this.

I'm pretty sure she is going to get help and I will be behind her 100%.

Thinking and praying I have been doing very much of. I have prayed in true belief for the first time in my life.

Everybody talks about reconciliation and how long it takes for the fog to lift. My XW has really opened up to me and told me how her actions have affected her, me, the kids and everybody around her. She has apologized about so many things and doesn't understand how I can love her, but she believes me.

She had her dad call me last night and we talked about everything. He wanted to know from me how I felt and if I knew the sacrifices that would be required. My XW is very afraid of being rejected. She also knows that I absolutely would not lie to any man one-to-one. Especially her dad.

She'll be home this week.

Good for you,

I hope that you will be blessed in this journey that you are continuing upon. I pray that your family will be not only preserved but that it will flourish. I hope for all your sakes that all within your family will be able to progress and come to a place in which this event is thought of as a turning point and cornerstone on which your future will be built upon.

Truthfully, although not intended from my previous post, what I stated is the truth as I see it. I am jealous of the fact that maybe you and your family will be fulfilled. Just know that I am pulling for you with every fiber of my being. I know that may sound odd, coming from a stranger, however, anyone with a chance at preservation of their family is a hope in this world that not all is lost.

Recognize the difficulties of your future for what they are, and keep your children and yourself safe. Upon my reconciliation attempt, I completely let go and opened myself up completely. I would not do the same if I had it to do again. Even knowing that in order to succeed, reconciliation requires a portion of trust and understanding. I completely and utterly lost myself trying to keep my marriage together. And when she left again, I was at a loss and so absolutely devestated that I wondered whether I could continue on. I would still try, oh Lord how I would try. But I would take more precautions for myself and my children.

I pray for your family.

One Prayer Request ANSWERED! It will be tough, but you and your committment to your family will help things through.

This is great news!

I am fortunate in being able to move into new situations and life settings and being able to flourish.

Other events in my life have taught me to adapt and be myself. Even through all I have been through this summer I made new friends and got into new activities. Through my whole life I have never been one to run with the crowd. I've always done my own thing.

If everything all falls apart for us I know I can move on. Being with my XW and family are what I want. I do not want another life. I know I can have another life, but that is not what I want.

I have been researching BPD and the more I look into it the scarier it gets. She wants to get help and I have the financial resources to pay for it. I have seen most of the traits in BPD and I certainly have the inicators in myself of being in a BPD relationship. I think what really brought her around is when she realised how well liked and respected I am by everybody except the people she associates with. My life didn't change hardly at all except being even more social. Hers went to hell. To use her own words "I through away the best thing that ever happened to me. What is wrong with me?"

My life is in for a big change for a long time before it gets better. Their is love and then their is the kind of love that exists between my XW and I. You just know it's their. You feel it deep down inside. That's why I never really gave up. I knew she loved me and I knew I loved her. I know from the little things that come naturally and can not be controlled. The big stuff like what you say or how you are treated on birthdays, etc can be contolled and manipulated.

She's coming home. It is going to be very very difficult, painful, trying and pure hell for a while. Why am I so incredibly happy? I'd like to see some bad things happen to the OM. I'd like to see him get into some serious trouble for the things he does (not related to my XW). More than anything I'd like to see him learn the lessons and become a better person for it.

Their is enough pain and hurt in this world already.

God Bless Us All

I am wishing you all the best. BPD is a tough monkey to wrestle, but it's possible, and there are lots of books from former BPD people that your W can read to help her know that she is not alone in what she's feeling.

I would be careful and try to follow the four rules of recovery if at all possible if you want a true recovery. And don't forget about the side effects of withdrawal.

May God be with you Both. K

Check out this website http://www.truehope.com/ for help with BPD.

Try this for info:

www.bpdcentral.com

Seems like all have great advice/help for you. I found it nice to hear your story of love and commitment for your W.

My mom has BPD, and has been hospitalized, etc. The treatment that she's been in for the last 2 years is Dialectic Behavioral Therapy(DBT), created by Marsha Linehan.

This is a very serious diagnosis. My mother is very sick, but the DBT may be working a little. Seems to be working. The reason it is a good therapy is that borderlines see the world VERY differently than a nonB. So, non-traditional therapy works.

What I've found and been told may help you as with above info, in fact anything you can get your hands on, amazon.com has several books, would help you tons....

Their's is a world of black and white. They percieve themselves as EITHER all good, or all bad. And the rest of the world as well. In combination with all of the other facets of the disorder, including inconsistent identity issues, impulsivity, and wide mood swings, going to therapy can be tough.

What DBT does is affirm the current identity, while supporting behavior modification. This process allows for the person to percieve themselves as all good (black and white) while learning emotional regulation, social skills, and impulse contol.

Otherwise it is very easy for this personality to reject any treatment. One reason DBT works is that it solves a borderline paradox: Scenario one: I don't have a problem (all good) two: I have an enormous, unsolvable problem (all bad)... the last scenario leading to hopelessness, leading to all kinds of primitive defensive mechanisms. (Spending too much, cutting...)

DBT keeps the feeling of good, while introducing skills in a non-threatening way.

So, see about DBT, asap!!! My mom has been fairly successful, but this disorder can take/does take a fair amount of therapy and medication. FYI, My mother is taking tegretol, which is a mood stabilizer, and since, her yelling is down. In addition, she takes seroquel, to help her percieve reality in a more linear fashion.

That's another aspect of this, something called lack of object constancy. This means that they see reality terms of what's in front of them right now. The immediate determines mood, thoughts, etc. When the immediate goes away, say you leave the room for 20 minutes, what is now in front will be the focus. Anything not currently in front of her, doesn't exist... can also impact therapy simply because so NOW oriented and little ability to see big picture (no, don't tell them this...)

Well, this is a long post!! This is the second time I've responded to your thread. The last one turned out to be a rant at how hurt I am about how I've been treated by my mother all these years. Which I realized, isn't going to help you a bit. I wrote you this part to let you know that others have been hurt as well, though....

After years, however, I've come to love her as my parent. However, I stay as far out of her life as humanly possible to avoid being hurt.

That's been my solution, but I can only humbly respect the thousands of people who love and live with people with BPD. They can and do get better, with the right treatment, esp.

Also, having a partner in this can be a good thing, I've heard, seen with mom's BF sticking around for the last 10yrs. Years of cutting, drama, abuse, and child-like demanding impulsive behavior. She is less abusive/not abusive nowadays, but I'm too scared to get close again to find out if it's "for real."

The medical community in the past has said that BPD is UNtreatable, and that is NOT true. It is treatable, from what I can see; mom's better. But right now, I don't see that it's curable.

So better for us all to focus on milestones, than hope for a day free of BPD just yet. But ask your Dr. for anything new that's up in treatment, either way.

Sending my prayers to you and your family, take care of yourself as well. The best support is dug deep, and supported itself, from many sources.
-bbs

very good description!

as with all disorders, there are degrees. . .

and the description is true.
my X told me that her coping mechanism for when I had to work late, was that she pretended that i didn't exist . . .

one of her logics for divorce was that if she had to do all the work around the house. . . . and she wouldn't remember any of my work, and all she would do is yell at me. . . then she didn't need a husband. . . of course, then after we split, she said she couldn't live like that without my money. . . there are so many contradictions, especially with responses that seem only to appease the immediate, even though the opposite was voiced awhile ago, is characteristic. . .

wiftty

Oh! What a very good point, wiftty! Sorry that I didn't point it out... As with everything, I completely agree, there are degrees, that's important as well.

In fact, this was mentioned in a very good book called "When someone you love has mental illness." They talk of people with disorders as being hi-med-lo functioning and how to support in each case.

-bbs

Folks, some of you use the term BPD for bipolar disorder and some for borderline personality disorder. They are vastly different,

Would it be permissible for me to ask that we find a way to be more definite about which one we are talking about?

I've heard Borderline Personality Disorder as BPD, and Bi-polar Affective Disorder as BAD...
-bbs