I was talking to an aquaintance and they were telling me that an officer in the services can get in a lot of trouble for dating a married woman. I didn't know if anybody knew about this and what could happen to them.

Love in Christ

cajunky

<small>[ September 16, 2002, 11:01 PM: Message edited by: cajunky ]</small>

Am an Air Force brat and know that it would mean dishonorable discharge there. Call the local Army recruitment hq. They would know and could advise you...

This is the responsibility of the enlisted person, at least when I last learned of this, to report it themselves first before anyone else does. It could be major LB if you do it. Warn against it. However, someone else priivy to that knowledge could do that though. But if identity gets out still be a major LB. Think about it. The chance of an A having success is only 3% and once A hits light of day, it is dead in water. Call the Harleys. Or your counselor. I am no good with the rest of this and wish I were. I am praying for you guys.... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

I know that going by the book, he can get cort marshaled. There were some huge cases in the last few years. One in particular was a female officer who was kicked out because of her affair.
But then there is the real world. IMHO the female officer was procuted because some one was looking for any way to get her.

I am a military brat too. My husband is a military brat. We both also serviced in the Army. He was career. I was in for 4 years. From what we have seen many, many enlisted men and officers have affairs. Generally their command will turn their head and conveniently not see it. I know of one man (Retired Sgt. Major) who while on active duty had repeated affairs. At one point he had a daughter with one of his girlfriends while his wife was pregnant. His first sergeant roughed him up some and demoted him one rank (a lot of good that did his wife and children). Eventually he left his wife and married another woman. He did not bother to get a divorce. That did not prevent him from being promoted to Sgt Major.

Despite the fact that his wife had proof that he was a bigamist, his command protected him. They took all of benefits away from his wife and his children. He is retired today and she is still fighting to get recognized as his wife and get some benefits and a real divorce. The military retirement system is now protecting him. I even spoke to the military family liaison office about this. The guy there said that it’s not unusual and the military will protect their men as much as they can. He said he could not help his wife.
I could go on about stories like this.

So will it do any good to turn him in? If he has enemies, and you happen to talk to one of his enemies yes. If the command has someone in a high position who actually believes in family and has some morals, yes. Otherwise no one will care. It’s like the rest of the world. People spout rhetoric about morals but have no spin to live by those morals and stand up for them.

Ok… so I’m more then a little pessimistic here… sorry but those are my observations.

Do you know anything about his command? One of the main reasons the military is concerned about affairs is that it compromises a soldier and makes them susceptible to blackmail. If he is open about his affair, then he cannot be blackmailed.

If you are not afraid of the fallout, then you might want to call his commander and tell him that this guy is having an affair with your wife. Then see where it goes. His commander will, in the very least call him in and chew him out. This alone might end the affair. Don’t expect that it will necessarily go beyond that.

Adultery is chargable as a serious offense until the UCMJ. An officer can be court-marshalled for it--if he's caught. Or more likely, if he's caught and some one really cares.

If the guy's a jerk and he's stepped on some toes here and there, then he'll be reported.

If he's fairly tight with his buddies, then they'll cover for him. And so will his chain of command. He might be recommended to go see the chaplain or go to some classes or some slap-on-the-wriste type of thing--but most likely not.

I am being very cynical here, you can tell.

This strikes a huge nerve in me this very day!!!!

I volunteer for Army Community Services here at our new post. I was there at work today busily stuffing files when in walks a young Lt. I read his nametape and recognized his name. I introduced myself and and said "Hey! I recognize your name! Are you. . .so and so?"

He said "Why yes! How do you know me?"

I said "I think you were in my husband's squad at such and such. . .he's talked a lot about you."

The LT looked at me, and said "Mrs.____!Wow! It's an honor. But I thought that you all were. . .separated. . .uhhhhhhh."

Then he just stood there and looked at me. He knew that I knew that he knew. (Does that make sense?)

That made me so sad all day long.

<small>[ September 17, 2002, 02:18 AM: Message edited by: Bernzini ]</small>

I am not planning or have ever planned on calling the commander or anyone else. The way I have it figured I will let God take care of everything in his time. I didn't know they could potentially get in so much trouble.

I recently found out more about the guy that I don't like but I can't do anything about that either. I just pray for my wife. I pray that she will seek Gods wisdom in this and see that God did not put this together. I just can't believe my wife has changed her values but I don't know what she is thinking these days. I still love her with all my heart and believe God is going to heal our marriage one day.

Love in Christ
cajunky

<small>[ September 17, 2002, 11:36 AM: Message edited by: cajunky ]</small>

Putting energy into this other guy is not productive for you and your recovery. That will not make you be the good guy and will not do anything except allow you to spin your wheels. If there is something that may involve children that is harmful regarding this man or his being around children, then this is a different story or if the man has repeated incidences of spousal abuse. Other than that, it is not worth it. You'll be seen as bad guy.

Right now whether you like it or not, she sees YOU as the guy who is wrong here. You are doing what you can to change that. You cannot control actions of this guy or actions of your WW. You can control you. This is hardest part for me. We know what they should do but they are their own people. It is hard. That other book I am reading is h elping me learn to be responsible for me. Life Strategies is name of book. It is like a 2 x 4 between my eyes.

Don't let the presence of this adulterous man rob you of your energies toward becoming the man God wants you to be.

Old Navy wife - so I know the rules.

First of all if you are talking about your own family here - you need to be more clear in your post. I'm going to be a little tough on you here, but I feel like you are going over the edge a bit and need to be brought back down to earth. Not crazy - just maybe revenge is on your mind a little.... All that will do is tick her off.

I also know that the military rule doesn't apply when you are seperated. You seperated in December - when did she start seeing him?

The divorce started in the Spring, and was final in August right?

Cajunky - If you go to his command they are going to laugh at you. I'm so sorry, but that is the truth. It doesn't matter to them that you want the marriage back, or that you think there is a chance for recovery and he is in the way.

In this he is not an OM, this is not adultry. In her mind and his mind she was free to date and become involved in a relationship. That is what the command will consider.

ESPECIALLY if they ask her what the circumstances regarding the breakdown of the marriage were. You will look like the guy with 2 sets of rules, and nothing will be brought up about Christ or recovery - and you will look like a cheating husband who is angry that his wife has finally come to her senses and moved on. We know that this is not the case, but you will not be given the opportunity to explain your position.

I have a recent example that will show you how they handle this. First of all they don't like to get involved in this sort of issue. Just like they cannot ask or get involved in who is a lesbian or homosexual, they really get stuck in a bad position when they have to start asking who is sleeping with whom and for how long and where..... Unless it is a case of rape or sexual harassment they stay out of it as much as they can, and even in those cases they still try and stay out of it.

My friend Chris dated a man Greg in college. 2 years, they were in love and planned to marry, he broke it off when he was stationed overseas.

Chris got a new email address and registered on the Yahoo directory with her real name. Greg sent her an email last year. She was divorced for a few years and had one child. They started emailing every day and talking on the phone. Greg was still in the Navy and was now stationed on the West Coast. She was on the East Coast.

He told her that he had been married for a short time, but got divorced and that they had no children. He told her that his ex-wife who was quite a bit older then he was had just used him for the military benefits and then when it was time for him to move she stayed where they met and she had always lived, and they divorced.

He said he still loved her, always had. She flew out to visit. She stayed in a hotel, they saw the sites, had a wonderful time. They made love.

He bought her a ring.

She thought he lived on the base, she always called him on his cell, there was never a time she couldn't call, she called him at work, she talked to his friends at work, she met his friends from work when she was out west.

He asked her to move out west to marry him and she found a job and he said he found an apartment, she was packing up her stuff and getting ready to give notice at work when she got a strange email.

Evidently his girlfriend out west had gotten into his email account and figured out what was going on between Chris and Greg. She thought Chris should be warned before she moved out there with her child.

See, Greg's out west girlfriend knew that not only did Greg have Chris on the east coast, and the girlfriend in town, but Greg also had a wife that he lived with.

And, Greg's wife thought that everything was great with the marriage.

Chris went to Greg's command with the information that Greg was not only cheating on the wife that loved him and lived with him and thought everything was fine, but that he had a girlfriend in town and also a girlfriend across the country who almost moved with her child out west to be with a man who presented himself as available.

She had loads of proof, names, dates, letters, pictures.....

Greg was Sailor of the Quarter (SOQ) ... He went on to become Sailor of the Year ...

One more thing to consider with this, she will know that it is you - and so will he.

You need to be able to maintain a good relationship with her. This would really look to her like you were trying to sabatoge her new relationship.... Is that what you are trying to do? Why?

E

Everyone......I am not planning on calling anyone I promise.

The subject came up at work yesterday and I have to admit I thought about it for a second but I am not that type by a long shot. I would never do that to somebody unless my family becomes in danger. I have never been the type to get revenge when something bad happens to me.
I appreciate the concern because it really does feel good that you guys would be concerned enough to talk me off the bridge of LB if I were on it ready to jump.

That is why I love voicing my vents and opinions here because I know I will get unbiased feedback and that is what I need to help me grow even more.

Love in Christ
cajunky