Peachy,

I too want to have a safe date. Now I have not been at this for as long as you have. Not nearly as long. But I have realized that although I want my marriage and my family, that it cannot happen with the woman I am currently married to. She is not the person that can fulfill my love and desire for life. Now I believe that she COULD be, but she has no desire nor feelings for our family. And that is OK. I have recognized that I can move on in this world and I will be fine. I have also realized that although I truly believe that my family would be better off with us together and loving life with each other, that my boys will not suffer nearly as much as I thought they would previously.

I think that they see just who took care of them when we were together, and they are less concerned at us being apart. They see that I can still provide the love and support that I always have, regardless if it is in their mother's house or not.

But while I, like you, are not ready for dates in which there is more than the companionship. I deeply want to take a lovely woman out to dinner and just talk with her. I want to be that handsome man that opens your or someone else's door. I want to be the generous listener. I want to make the phone call the next afternoon, thanking you for the great time you gave me. I miss that very much. I want that very much.

You know, I learned so much about myself during my Plan A that I really feel like I have been put up on blocks with my engine reved up and my wheels spinning. I am feeling that as soon as I am ready to start off again, someone will kicked the blocks out from under me and I will be off like a rocket.

Although I would love for things to be different between my wife and I, and even though I truly believe that even after all this, we could still be great together. I am really looking forward to starting fresh.

I have so many things I want to do differently. I have so many things that I want to show her. To be with her. To include her. To absolutely envelope my future love, that I can hardly stand it. I am afraid that I might run every woman off that I meet, because I have had so long to think about all the things that I want to do with her, and that she will never get to have rest with me around.

Maybe I will hop a plane to HOTLANTA and come knock on your door. We can go out to Austin's favorite restraunt and we can put on a show for them. I recently purchased a new silk suit that I must admit looks pretty sharp. I can wine you and dine you and fawn over you. I can do what every woman deserves to have done for them. And you can accept it all knowing that I am safe and humble.

Haha, dreams my lady. Dreams. But I understand your place. I understand the thought that you would just like to have a safe date in which you have company and a little laughter in your life. I hope you find someone that deserves you. I hope that he realizes that he can make you happy if he just opens his eyes and sees your heart. I hope that you realize that you can make him happy with trust, love, support, and honesty.

You will be fine. I will be fine. WE will be fine.

I am a little worried about what your couselor said however. It sounds like there is going to be more competition for me while I look for my love. Not that I have a problem with that. I am not worried about other men. They are nothing compared to what I am and can do. (EGO)

Although I understand that I only need one woman, if she is the right woman. I just need to put an add in the paper that says

"34 year old, Betrayed father of two wonderful boys. Doctor by trade, lover by desire. 6'2" 194 lbs. Can wear cowboy boots and jeans or a silk suit, to match tastes and circumstances. Loves mountains, horses, making jewelry, guitar, golf, and honest women. Looking for honest, compassionate, smart, confident, committed, dedicatied woman. Love my kids a must, love your kids (if you have any) guaranteed.

Must be strong and confident enough to be willing to fight for what you believe. Be able to change my mind on things that are important to you. And be confident enough in yourself to do what I want in things that are not so important to you. Must never have cheated on your husband.

Must be willing to allow me to love and protect you. Must be willing to take long walks, trips, massages, dinners, afternoons being lazy on the couch in front of the fire, picnics with our family, Christmas in our cabin in the mountains, July 4th in our beach house on the coast. Relationship with God a must. Willing to be involved in my life in every aspect required. Plusses include being willing to come to my work just to have lunch with me. Paging me with sweet nothings. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> Paging me with devilish delights. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> Loving to let me buy you new clothes, and understanding my account at Victoria's Secret is to save the clerks from having to run my card through so often. Understanding that I tend to forget where things are sometimes, and in many ways I am like a young boy, but loving me anyway. If these are things that you are interested in, contact me ASAP."

FC you are the sweetest. Ever watched "You've got mail". Reminds me of that.

Anyhow one day when dust has settled you can get travel section out of newspaper and see what specials are to atl. And unfortunately, I do not even know where Austin likes to eat. I don't really know much at all about the man anymore and that is so sad. I had a nap today. Love fall weather. Am getting ready to shampoo carpets tonight (rained all week and my dog and four year old helped add some lovely mud stains on them).

Going to go and read some books at barnes and noble and get a nonfat mocha. Was told by a girlfriend that the book "Body for Life" is awesome. I want that last elusive 10 off for my college self to reappear, except for the one wrinkle forming ever so slightly on my forehead. Just save up for botox...lol! Once again, dog is at my feet. Then off to buy food at superwalmart and get a shower curtain rod for son's bathroom ; it is so cute. Did it with a sailboat/lighthouse theme. We went to a famous ga coastal lighthouse last month and I took the most precious pic of son running around in front of lighthouse with his arms out like he was pretending to be a plane. Then I purchased a small replica of that same lighthouse and a signed limited edition sketching of the same lighthouse. We collected big shells on the beach and I bleached them out and have them in a crystal bowl on toilet for decoration. Have photo of son in frame with a few more shells around it and on wall is the framed print of the lighthouse. Got a really cute sailboat/lighthouse shower curtain. Striped wallpaper blue and white go with the nautical flair. Very cute. Did whole bathroom for less than 150. I am tasteful in decorating even when strapped for $$$. Good idea if anybody out there has kids for a playroom or bathroom.

My friend did get the message though. He kept calling me and sending me emails today. I was quiet. Finally left me a message saying he was sorry for scaring me away. I told him that it was fine, but that I just wanted to be friends. Wierd feeling. Haven't done the "friend" talk with a guy since college days. So long ago.

It is going to get really cold here. Where does everybody live? I know you, FC live in CO. Going to get down to upper forties tomorrow night. Getting some firewood from super walmart tonight. And a few diet dinners/snacks too.

Oh, and there is a new dilemma. It has come to my attention via a phone call messge yesterday that Austin is TWO MONTHS LATE on one of his luxury car payments. Yes folks, he has not one, but two luxury vehicles in his shagarrific fleet. Now they tell me that b/c I signed papers with him THAT I MAY BE RESPONSIBLE FOR THE THREE GRAND HE OWES THEM. So I shall just send more $$$ somehow to my attorney and fax her the information on it. He has paid that bill always. I do not even have access to the vehicle. Not only has he left me with ALL OF THE JOINT CREDIT CARDS TO PAY EACH MONTH, but now THEY WANT THREE GRAND FROM ME TO PAY FOR HIS LATENESS. Nope. Not gonna. But need my lawyer to help me asap. Ideas and advice? He is just too much. He is too much of everything. And although he is behind three grand on an auto payment, he can be at the beach playing around staying at a luxurious resort that is I know for a fact, several hundred bucks a night. Where is the logic? The man runs a company but is running his own life into the crapper. Why can't he run his life like his company is run???To be in the green and making profits? I just don't get it. If I keep thinking about him and the stuff he has done, my brain will hurt.

I look really slouchy. Wearing a no fear t shirt and some shorts. Have on some flip flops but hair is ok and only wear a bit of makeup usually. But not going to attempt at all to impress the folks at barnes and noble tonight. I am just reading. Then I am off to walmart. Oh the fun of walmart. It is like a low cost bargain bonanza. When one of my girlfriends back home was going through her divorce, she had two precious twins. Her x would (before the divorce) leave and go out for days on end. Not tell her where he was going or anything. And when he would return, he would tell her she could have the car for the day to do what errands she needed to do (what a prince this guy). She would load up her babies and go to walmart. She once told me that she used to get so excited to go to walmart. Oh the stuff we've endured is so amazing.

Anyway, my other girlfriend called me today. She is also in my same profession and asked me if next spring I wanted to go on a cruise. That maybe we could get two other girlfriends and go on one. Told her that'd be great. But I want to bring my son, as he is great on them. So I am somewhat excited...A cruise would be so awesome. As long as d gets done and finances are in order though. This whole three grand thing is getting me down. Can you believe it???He does it again and again. Like the energizer bunny of screw ups. And he is the one who is always right all of the time...(according to him).

If you want to email me, contact orchid @ mborchid@yahoo.com.

Just want to say again to FC that you are so wonderful.

Today was ok. Still down a bit about the three thousand smackeroo thing. Why can't this d just go on and he be a good guy at something..I just want to see my son tomorrow. See his little face light up when I pick him up at school. I always have candy that I buy from the pharamacy in the bldg. where I work. Put it in my labcoat pocket. When I pick him up, he runs always to hug me and then his hand goes in my right pocket to see what I've got for him. Our cute little ritual for school. I do want more kids. Just wonder what God has got for me, I wish I had a ti me machine so I could just jump ahead a few years and see what the new life will be like. I just want to know everything will be alright. It seems to the people that I meet that I must be doing awesome with the alimony and childsupport plus my job income. But it is not as rosy as that. He's left me with so much stuff to pay. Over a thousand each month flies out of the money just from joint accounts he is not taking responsibility of. Paid almost 9 thousand out to that. Next door neighbor, a nurse and a great buddy of mine, says that she believes he has done the finances this way so he will be in control. Keeping me having to save save save, so he will always be in control financially. Keep me down so he will stay up. Wierd but she is probably right. Gosh I hope I can save enough this month. Want to buy three outfits I've found at mall. I am back in size 4 and am glad. But I want them to be a baggy four. I am not that tall, only 5ft. 4.

My guy friend is IM'ing me right now. He always knows when I get online and that makes me wierded out too. Like he is also watching what I do. He just said he went to see Sweet Home Ala. And that again, I look like Reese W. but I shouldn't cut my hair. That is sweet and all, but he is just making me feel strange after last night. I told him earlier how I felt, just wanting friendship and nothing more. Hope he will respect that. ]

I guess I have the feeling when I meet mr. right I will have that instant chemistry and just know it. Haven't had that butterfly jittery thing in years. And honestly, can't wait to have it again. And to one day actually go back inside vickie's secret and get what I really want to buy instead of their flannel pj's and tank tops that I have bought for the last year. In fact, the last christmas together, Austin bought me that. Oh the romance (lol).

After last night, guess I am a bit envious of my good buddies. They are such an adorable couple and are so cool. Known her since childhood. I want to be so happy like they are. I am already a happy person. I would love to one day get real flowers again. It was funny. When I moved in my house here in jan., my guy buddy, the one who is now wierding me out, sent me a small arrangement with three roses in it to say "welcome to your new home". Austin came in and brought son from weekend visitation and saw them. Demanded to see the card and I got fumey and told him that I don't see any of the cards he sent her. But when you get flowers from someone you are wild about, there is no better feeling. That or a small piece of jewelry. Those things matter to a girl btw. DJT--remember these things for your sweet wife. I will probably cry if I ever receive either of that. When I got those flowers that day, the delivery man brought them to my door and I told him instinctively that he had the wrong house and that they couldn't be for me. I actually thought they were sent as a mistake to the woman who used to live here maybe from her husband. But it just didn't have that feeling when I got them. Did make Austin mad though.

One day he is gonna wake up and say "good lord what did I do?". But I cannot even think a second more about him.

Advice needed for the handling of the financial thing..I emailed attorney. Do I first speak (really don't want to) with Austin about it before letting my attorney take it and run? It is big issue to me. I am starting over and cannot afford, literally, to have him ruin my credit b/c of his choices.

Well Peachy,

My opinion is that you contact him very clearly. Email him with your concerns and tell him you need to receive a reply within twelve hours and resolution within 48 hours. Otherwise you will need to contact your lawyer and allow her to handle it in order to protect your credit.

Just leave it plain and simple. No attacks, just something along those lines. That way, if there is ANY reason he has not taken care of the situation, you are giving him notice that it needs to be done. I would also look at getting your name taken off the cars. All this requires is that you both sign a form that you release your claim to the vehicles and that he accepts full responsibility for the upkeep and payments.

If he refuses, I would just tell your lawyer to do what she can in order to get something that will protect you until the Divorce is final. A little increased adrenaline will probably do him some good.

Be sure that you don't attack him. Just something along these lines. At least I would respond to a request such as this.

"Austin,
I have recently received notification that the payments for the Shag-mobile and the Testaroni have not been paid for X number of days, making them X number of days overdue. I understand that these are trying times for both of us, but this needs to be taken care of as soon as possible. I would like you to notify me as to how you to plan on rectifying the situation in twelve hours please, and have the problem resolved completely within 48 hours. I am sure you can understand my concern for my credit worthiness given my situation. Therefore I am sure that you can understand my reluctance, but necessity that should you forgo your responsibility on this matter, I will have my attorney take care of it through the courts. I am sure that you want that no more than I do. Thanks for your time, and I hope that this situation can be quickly relieved as soon as possible."

Much of it is left terminally vague so he has to fill in the blanks about just what you mean by some of these things. But the important things are right out in the open. You are not attacking him, but you are serving notice that you will not accept this responsibility for yourself. Don't get in a discussion. Leave it at this note and follow through should he fail to follow through himself. Be absolutely sure that you do not engage him on the subject. Remember you are in Plan B and this could all just be a ploy to real you in and get you involved in him once again. Regardless, this is not your responsibility, this is his. He knows it, and any self respecting man would be ashamed at allowing this sort of thing to happen.

Don't talk to him, you will loose. Don't email him back other than after he responds as to how he will fix the problem. If he doesn't give you a satisfactory response within twelve hours have your lawyer contact his lawyer via phone. Otherwise, really tell your lawyer to get after it, don't wait for anything. He has the money unless he has had to pay for major surgery in the last month. He is just pulling a power play, and the best way to play this game is a with simple, calm return of power. But you CANNOT engage him in discussion. This is NOT something that has a various outcome. Either he takes his responsibility seriously, or the courts take care of the situation. Nothing else is your responsibility, and if you allow him to suck you in, you loose. He will pay it, he knows it, but he wants YOU to know that he can mess with you. Don't give him the satisfaction. By asking him to fix it before you unleash the legal system, you are taking him into consideration and showing him respect, without getting walked on. And giving him time allows him to get the problem rectified. He can figure out how to get the money to the company. Don't engage him. Let me repeat that, DO NOT ENGAGE HIM !!!!

Take care Peachy. I think this will give you more than you realize in terms of fixing this problem, but also averting other power ploys.

Hi NPIGA & FC! Peachy, thanks for sharing - I just finished reading the rest of this Thread after I posted last night - lots of stuff happenin' that's fer sure!
"Shag-O-Mobile" Ha! that's a good one! I guess were I you, I'd do a little searching and see if I could cough up a pair of keys for that sucker - then if you did, why not REPOSSESS IT!!? Tell Mr. Austin P Wanna-Be that if he wants it back, then he needs to at least PAY for the thing...
Just kidding here, I know the court would have you for lunch!
Seriously tho, I agree with FC - both about your "Pay for it yourself" letter, and also about you dating.
I wouldn't worry about that 'it takes 6 months to get over a relationship for every year' - whatever. If that was the case, then I've got about 5 years to go! I don't think so...
Where do I live? Where the buffalo roam... out on the wild prairies of North Texas in a huge MetroPlex called Dallas/Fort Worth. Man! The air pollution here, constant dust (we live 4 houses from I-20) and unsavory characters are taking over the 'Hood - we're bailing and getting farther out towards the country.
House-hunting now, it's a job looking for the right one.
Well, I'm rambling here, sorry. Atlanta. I've been there - back in September '95 when I was in BNCOC School in the Army. I took off for the Labor Day Weekend and visited Stone Mountain. I slept in the Park and then climbed the mountain about 4 in the morning and watched the sunrise - what a trip! Atlanta was too big for me, sorry. The Skyline is pretty neat though. Also flew thru the Atlanta Airport a fair number of times on my way here and there - yes, even after 9-11 I was on planes. Don't think I'll be on any soon; however, my sinuses kill me every time I get on one these days...
So, that's my $.02 worth for tonight. It's late and I need to turn in.
FC and Peachy, take care! God bless ya both.
Peace, Harold

I HAVE CRABS...

Just the kind that live in the sand. Austin brought crabs with son. He calls and I let my vm answer cell at work. Very slow day clinically. But got caught up on paperwork. Good though.

He brought son home about an hour ago. I made a big pot of homemade spaghetti and some garlic bread with olive oil drizzled and rosemary sprinkled. Wanted to welcome son home. Finished decorating the house for fall/halloween and it looks so awesome...I love to decorate.

Anyway, I am in B so I was going to email Austin about the bill today. But he came to front door (imagine that, him coming right in my front door) and dropped off son. Looked around inside and said it "looked great or something like that". Then I noticed son had tiny aquarium in his hand. Inside was sand, a few shells and three fiddler crabs. As of now, two are presently DOA. The third and largest, the one son named "shellty" is so far living. He is really big. Wierd thing. Anyhow I bring crabs inside and sit them down while austin is peeking around a bit. Sees the house looking great and obviously can smell my great culinary talent at work. I then use the opportunity, although in B, to not engage angrily, but to inform him of the six figure vehicle that he is late on paying. He tells me that he will have it paid in two days. I thank him. He leaves quietly. Then he calls back and mumbles something about being "just stuff on his mind and that finances are blah blah blah...And then apologizes for being short. Short? I was short, but kind. I am in plan B. Will not engage him in any way whatsoever unless it is about son or finances, and only if he behaves. It was funny. He said to me at door, "didn't you get my message today?" "Why didn't you call me back?". I said, well you know how things have got to be, don't you. Very nicely. I think he has gotten the message.

What do fiddler crabs eat? He brought home some hermit crab food. I am getting ready to surf about and find out what these guys eat. Was a bio major in college before going off to the med center and cannot remember what these guys eat. I once had hermit crabs sister and I got from the pet store. Mine turned grey, crawled outta shell and kicked the bucket. Goodness, I don't need any more responsibility. Wonder if the third crab dies, if Austin will take me into court for "CRUSTACEAN ABUSE".

I think personally that shellty is somewhat doomed. But I am going to surf and find out. Hopefully there are other fiddler crab stupid owners. My dog had better not find it or it is an appetizer...

Peachy -

I hate that you are having to go through this soap opera of a life, but I have to say that you definitely have a way with words....... in a good way.

I hope that your sense of humor is getting you through the tough times. Sometimes it's all we have.

My b-day is coming up on Fri. and know that a year ago I was in a MUCH DIFFERENT place than I am today - meaning that although I've been where you are, since I'm a few months ahead of you on the divorce track - things do eventually settle down - especially if you keep the no contact in place.

It's like putting up your umbrella and getting out of the rain. Once you do that - you dry off and are fine.

And eventually as I said, things will settle down enough for you to have a decent relationship with him for your son - but don't rush things. Things will be up and down for a while still, just hang in there. You've got a good sense of what to do. Trust yourself and you'll be fine.

K

K...

Happy 19th birthday next week... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> Anyhow, I just finished building a crab habitat. Spent fifty bucks doing it. Think it was another attempt by Austin to fleece me...The dad gum crab got out and here I was chasing a large fiddler crab around house on hardwoodds. Caught him with some silver tongs. It was wild. Son was yelling, "get him mommy". I am so exhausted that I could collapse.

Anyway, you are so right. Things will slow down. My life is so not like a soap opera though. I have umbrella up and it is a haven from the rain. Don't get sucked in to his poop anymore. And how are things going with you? All still well with the vegas duo? I give it another six months, two years at max before splitsville.

Anyway, I am going to attempt to carry this aquarium upstairs to son's room. I am so tired. Still didn't mop floors or fold the clothes tonight. More rain = more mopping.

Peachy -

I now have this mental image of Reese Witherspoon running around the house with a pair of tongs chasing a crab! It is too funny! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Kids. They definitely make life interesting, and fun. At least you got some exercise.....

You should tell teh credit agency to just go ahead and repossess the car. Wouldn't that be lovely for Austin - no more Shagmobile with which to pick up the chicks. This is definitely one for the attorney - and I hope that you've cancelled all joint credit cards by now - or at least get attorney to do something to get Austin to handle his share. There are ways - usually there can be something filed while the divorce is pending to protect you from him acquiring more joint debt.

Life is good here - Ex still a mess, but the less I interact with him the happier I am - because the bottom line is HE JUST DOESN'T GET IT! and he just doesn't care - about anyone but himself.

So I'm actually at the point where I have realized he is not the man I thought I married - and maybe he was never the man I thought I married. I am so happy now because he really wore me down. Of course I still believe that if he wanted to change - he could. But he hasn't changed yet, so who knows.

Looking ahead to a brand new awesome life - just wish I could stop getting older too. Age 19 was a good year - I also liked 22 alot and 26. Maybe I'll stay at 26. Nice even number.

I actually had to have my attorneys fight over whether or not I would actually be able to hav emy kids this friday for my birthday. Unbelievable that Ex would actually be so rude as to even put up a fight for that one, but he's not walking all over me anymore!

Hope the rain stops soon and the sun comes out so son can leave the mud outside. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

K

K.

Am home today. Son has a very bad case of flu. Started throwing up about 3 am. I am exhausted now. He is running fever too.

Glad you are doing so well and so strong. Isn't it wierd how they think they are doing so fine with all of this? Ironic.

But the car thing is supposedly taken care of. Austin told me the other day he would be paying the payment on wed. So if I can get by with less $ to attorney to obtain same result, so be it. And with the joint cc. He doesn't have the actual cards anymore so he cannot accumulate any more debt on them. Plus I am getting the statements. And if I take his name off of them, then legally he may not be responsible for them. As per attorney's advice. It is affecting his c redit, also so he will not be so flippant about paying it. It is his future he has to protect, right? Scr3w me, but after all he is important to himself. Self preservation to him is key so I have to capitalize on that.

Gotta go. I am not feeling too great actually now. Doc said this is contagious. Great...

WHAT IS THE HX OF YOUR WS'S PARENTS?

After posting to Nina Too, realized that Austin was doing what he was reared to do. Cheat. His dad had been cheating on his own mother for years. As recently as last year, his father had an almost two year affair also. What are the stats on your WS's parents? Could this be definitely part of their bringing up? In Austin's family, it was denial denial denial. Put a good face on it. Let the dad be verbally aggressive and rant and rave. Mom is to put on a good face while being passive/aggressive the whole time. It was hell having her for a mom in law. She was kind to me, but always felt this restrain, struggle beneath her demeanor. Like she was just really trying to just make it t hrough her life ok. That she doesn't care about life that much, just get through it ok. And she babied her H so much. Worshipped him almost. Like if she just did everything she could, he would quit wandering. Although he never left them, he was quite the liar and cheater. Did some of it right under his wife's nose almost. Anybody else see this pattern in the WS's families?

This is why I believe it to be so important I RAISE MY SON DIFFERENTLY. THAT THE PAST WILL NOT BE REPEATED IN THIS HOUSEHOLD ANYMORE. Two generations of destruction is enough. Truth is good and consequences exist.

Just wondering. This is a big thing. We can see our results here for ourselves. If you want to privately email me: domgoddessatl@aol.com.

Yes,

and I refused to be the man servant that my XFIL and XGFIL were to their W's. . .

so i was told i was too independent (meaning i didn't respond to emotional control as expected)

yep, its all right in front of our faces, and i saw it and accepted that it wouldn't be repeated, until one day, some switch was thrown, and i was bad, very bad.. . . .

wiftty

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by notpeachyinga:
<strong>WHAT IS THE HX OF YOUR WS'S PARENTS?

What are the stats on your WS's parents? Could this be definitely part of their bringing up? Anybody else see this pattern in the WS's families?

Just wondering. This is a big thing. We can see our results here for ourselves. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Maybe this CRAP runs in families; could it be hereditary? My ex cheated on me back in '96 - found out the following year that her Grandmother had cheated on her Mate with some 'wandering piano player' who just happened to be passing thru town - they covered up this OMs true identity for years and years, well anyway, her Grandmother is now like 90 something - ha! talk about ancient history! Why did her Family LIE about this for all those years?? Who knows? And right now, who even cares - I certainly don't! Perhaps STUPIDITY knows no boundaries, race, creed, class or barriers... When you're stoopit - you're just stoopit! NPIGA, you are to be commended for wanting to raise your son right - keep the faith, girl!
Harold

I have also decided that the destructive behaviour of both my family and that of WS's family will stop with me.

I was 5yo went my dad became sober in AA. My dad was a wonderful person but did not know how to share his emotions. He made up for it in all different ways. Travelling, buying us cars and just being there. No show of emotions, no I love you's. My mum on the other hand was the ultimate conflict avoider and protector of my dad. She became over responsible.........perfect wife, perfect mother and perfect enabler. That is what I became in my marriage.
My family: All siblings find difficult making decisions, people pleasers, no show of emotions, 2 alcoholics

Ws, also come from an alcoholic family. After his dad sobered up he withdrew from the family completely. Up till today he lives a reclusive life. His wife took control by being the ultimate disciplinarian, saw that her kids got the highest education, did not allow them to go through normal childhood phases, nobody was good enough for her sons. Sons never had any girlfriends, married first person that showed and interest. She even went as far to make sure that after her death her reclusive H needs were being met by training people to exactly run her house as she did. This is still done 11 yrs after her death.
His family: Eldest brother alcoholic, H is recovering alcoholic, youngest brother committed suicide.

I've read a book "Love is a choice" gave me so much insight into dysfunctional families and the way that we are affected but also gave me hope that I can make a difference.

OOOOHHHHHHH,

You have no idea how many times I have thought about this question.

Her mother is great. She is very nice and loving, but she is a nut case, and even my wife talks about it all the time. She is controlling, manipulative, and horribly passive aggressive. My wife has said all these things time and time again. I have held her as she cried over them countless times over the years. I don't know about infidelity, but her father was an alcoholic and they were divorced when my wife was around 9 years old I think. Anyway no father figure in her life until my current father in law came on the scene.

He is a very nice man, but absolutely and unabashedly passive. Her mom runs him completely. He does anything and everything she wants. She controls him completely. He just kind of recedes into himself and does whatever she is wanting. Not arguing, not asserting himself. Funny thing is, my wife can see both of these people very clearly. She sees these things in them and we have spoken about them countless times.

My wife's oldest brother was/is an alcoholic. He is a very nice guy, but very how should I say, eccentric so to speak. But he seems to have finally straightened his life out somewhat and married a year or two ago.

Next sister is alcoholic. Liver is going bad. But this is the only person in the whole family to have some tenuous hold on a "normal" life. Married, two kids.

Next sister is just wacked. She is sweet, but crazy, in a reasonable sort of way. Married three times and drives my wife crazy. Daughter at very young age that lived with her father, rather than mother.

Next sister is/was prescription drug abuser. Recently divorced, and no one in the family knows why really. But she was the one to tell my wife that "our" family was not normal. She may be the only person other than me that has even a tiny grasp on what is happening in our lives. I know that she was the only one to know about ONE affair. But I doubt that she knows about the others.

Then my wife. Passive aggressive as they come. Self centered so much that she can't even entertain that she IS self centered, gets horribly angry that I would even mention it. Completely unable to see that she is no different than the rest of her family except for two very important things. She has two wonderful boys that deserve better than the other people in her family were capable of giving. And then the kicker.... SHE had a husband that loved her and was completely devoted to her, IN SPITE of all this other crap. In spite of knowing that she was weird/pathologic in several of the same ways as the rest of her family. In spite of all the idiosyncratic things about her that she points out in everyone else, but refuses to believe could be a part of herself. She had a husband that LOVED her knowing all this was a part of her. Understood so much more about her character than she even understood about herself. Loved her in spite of being cheated on with 3 other men. But like it says in the Linkin Park song, "In the end, it doesn't even matter."

You know it is funny how the mind can cloud reality so much. For her, she just couldn't believe that I loved her and wasn't leaving her. For me it was the thought that nothing other than family mattered, and that everything else could be worked on and adjusted. I just thought that she felt the same way. I thought that as much as she is like the rest of her family, that she was still different, better in some way. But I was wrong, she is worse, because she truly had it all and threw it all away because of her choices. Unfortunately it didn't just effect her, it took the lives of three other people right along with it.

Funny thing is one of her favorite sayings is "The apple doesn't fall far from the tree." <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />

FC you are right. Apples do not fall too far from their trees.

I am so sick right now. Son was dropped off by Austin on Mond. night after a trip to FL. Son then develops in middle of night the FLU. Full blown flu. Vomits for seven hours on and off. Achy and 102 fever. Being the good mom I am, I take off work to care for him. Son threw up so much I went through all the towels in our home that first night. next day he was achy, fever, and his whole little body hurt. And then came lasst night. About 1 am it hit me full force. Started the same thing and probably lost at least 5 lbs by now. Achy and 102. Fever is now down to 100. I feel a tiny bit better. My head is constantly aching. Had phenergan, which helped but didn't make the feelings go away. All I can hold down is a little gatorade. I am trying to eat a club sandwitch now but to no avail. The clinic is being really nice. Not scheduling my first patient until 11. That way I can sleep in a tiny bit.

So why am I mad? Easy. This is the second time Austin has dropped son off with some kind of sickness. Plus on top of this, I have no relatives to help me during times like this. When I get sick and am literally down for the count as today (was so dizzy and weak I couldn't stand for hours and was glad son napped or I wouldn't have known what to do). I am mad b/c he moved us here. Moved me here under TOTALLY FALSE PRETENSES. My family kept calling me today saying they wished they were here and if I was home, this wouldn't have happened. That my mom could have stayed home from work to watch son and help me. I HAVE NOBODY HERE IN GA. Nobody to run to the store to pick up a prescription. Nobody to rub my back if it is killing me. God has been good in that I have had just enough tiny bit of energy to be able to do for my son. Austin cannot be counted on and has made things so bad for this family. And today there is a revelation about the FL trip. Son says that his dad stayed in another room from him. Hmmmmm...Wondered why he went to FL. He has never been alone w/son on any trip before so why start now? But at least son hasn't said anything else about it. It was impossible not to notice on monday our son was sick. He was coughing his head off and had fever. So what's the deal? Where is this great dad he proports himself to be?

Sick and tired of literally being sick and alone. Couldn't he just left me in my hometown where my family was? Couldn't he had just done one thing nice for me? One little break. If he wa nted to exit, then at least leave on somewhat decent terms.

Please pray that son and I are well by tomorrow. I cannot afford to be off of work for one more day. Plus as I said, I am it as far as helping me and son. God doesn't intend families to be like this....

Every inch of my body is hurting.

Peachy,

I am here for you. Take heart and keep yourself up. It is so easy to get down in these types of circumstances. I know last night was hard for me. Went to church group on divorce. Then on my way home, I didn't want to be alone so I went to a pool hall and shot for about an hour. Man last night was one of the first nights I kind of HATED my wife. Anger at her stupidity and selfisheness.

I am better tonight though. Went out and saw some women that at least on the surface appeared professional. Not that I am looking, but I was tired of only seeing young college kids. Still had a few sad feelings about my wife. I wonder sometimes whether she will ever wake up. Not that I want her to do it now, because all I would be was tempted. I do not want her, and don't think that I could ever love her again. I don't even care about her at this point. Anyone that can do what she has done over the course of the year does not deserve for me to even think about her.

Anyway, Just wanted to let you know what is up.

I tried to send you an email, but received no reply. Not sure whether it went through. Mine is Neuroir@yahoo.com.

Take care Peachy. Get some rest.