I need some creative ideas on how to get info and set up my husband and "co worker" I have no idea what she looks like, or which office worker she is. I have been snooping his email and found lovey letters fmom her. I have her email address and his at work. I thought about sending her flowers annon. to see if he gets the credit on email. HELP there has got to be a way to set them up. Please any ideas would be appreciated.

personal--<BR>that's probably not a good idea. One, it's just not right. But 2---you want real ammunition---if you send the flowers then he really didn't. Your evidence isn't very convincing. <BR>If the affair has been going on for sometime, or will, then you will have plenty of evidence.<BR>Plus, the fact that he IS having an affair isn't the only problem or the fianl step. You will have to deal with the affair and what will happend next. Spend a time on the infidelity board to see what others are going thru---the ones who affairs are already out in the open.

personal,<BR>I know the feeling butI feel you should be careful how you go about exposing it.<BR>I was thinking this morning on the way to work that I wish I would have made a positive attempt to end her affair, which she (like others here have heard) said they were just friends. I wonder if I should ask if she can see it was an affair. She was one of the many who think it has to be physical to be an affair. We are seperated.<BR>rrunrr<BR>

I personally suggest a strong Plan A. Meet his needs and chances are the affair will stop. <P>Now what you CAN do is cause a little strife between them, and without any blame whatsoever on your shoulders because you won't be doing anything wrong! For example, go out with H, a nice romantic evening, have a grand ole time. Then the next day, send HIM flowers, the card signed something like "Oh, lover, last night was divine. I adore you!" I'll bet that will cause a little friction between them. heh heh<P>Laura

Laura's post seemed like the most "clever" thing of all. It focuses on a positive, instead of just "trying to catch" him.<P>In your other post, it looked like you may have been setting him up a little bit, anyway. (I didn't see "this" thread until about 8 hours after I saw the other one, though it was already here)<P>Not only would Laura's idea be good to set up a little strife between them as she suggested, it also would have another affect (on me). I would think that it would give him a guilty conscience, or make him feel a little silly, even.<P>Do you want to "catch" him cheating? My wife once tried pretty hard to catch "me" cheating, and she did a really great job of it - Even I was impressed when I found out how much "evidence" she had....<P>....since I wasn't

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by personal:<BR><B>HELP there has got to be a way to set them up. Please any ideas would be appreciated.</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>What's the goal here?<P>You already played "gotcha" with him, right? Did that make everything better?<P>Your husband has a wandering eye. You can't go through life playing defense, there are too many lonely women in the world. You need to ask yourself "why is he looking elsewhere? What is he getting in these relationships that I am not supplying him with?" Look on the EN list for some clues. Admiration? Conversation?<P>These espionage games will not provide the breakthrough you need to return honesty to your relationship. They merely reinforce the distrust, because by your own actions you are not following the rule of honesty.<P> <BR>

Dear personal,<P>I am going through same thing. I read the replies to your message and while they are very inspirational and well-meaning it does nothing to confirm if you have an unfaithful spouse on your hands and i believe that you should know if its true so here are some signs i've been advised of:<P>Check phone records of all calls made from your house from the last few months (this one is what worked for me)<P>Check the house and his clothes for signs of cologne, lipstick, hair<P>Think about how much he's been spending lately....anything unusual.....unusual charges, more spending $, etc<P>Watch his milage on his car<P>Check his car for notes, receipts, watch passenger seat for evidence that another person consistently in car (moved, etc)<P>is he distant and critical of you recently<BR>or unusual private and defensive<P>any changes in physical appearance? lost weight, unusual interest in clothes, cologne, etc.<P>Good Luck

forgot to metion....have you searched on e-mail address on the search engines on-line (bigfoot, etc) to find out who she is? <P>should you plan to <BR>visit him at work unannounced for lunch, etc. ?

I just couldn't get a good feeling about the idea of trying to catch the cheating spouse unless you are at the point where you think you are going to need evidence to present in court.<P>You sound like you are just becoming aware, got a real wake up call. Before you do anything, I suggest you print out what you already have, and talk to your husband. If anything is going on, at least that will put him on notice. Please be careful not to accuse him. Think about something, those lovely e-mails are making him feel good, an accusation of infidelity is going to make him feel bad.<P>I made the mistake of spying and investigating. It was a disaster. I don't know what will work for you, but I'm fairly confident anything devious is going to destroy whatever you have left. I feel for you, and I think you made a smart move to check this site out for help. Good luck. <BR>

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Bumperii:<BR><B><BR>You sound like you are just becoming aware, got a real wake up call. Before you do anything, I suggest you print out what you already have, and talk to your husband. If anything is going on, at least that will put him on notice. Please be careful not to accuse him. Think about something, those lovely e-mails are making him feel good, an accusation of infidelity is going to make him feel bad.<BR></B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>That's another good point, something I could have added if I had thought of it (see my post above) - The only time I have been ever really tempted to cheat was right after I had been accused of it. It wasn't a proper way for me to feel, but I had a hard time not getting the "if I gotta pay I'm gonna play" attitude. I'm glad I got over that feeling before I ever did anything bad. Never cheated before. . .but paid three times already.<P>I don't even know if my wife really believes I have been faithful or not. . .or if she just gave up because she wasn't ever able to prove anything.<P>I don't believe it's something I will ever do - it's so completely against my beliefs. But the nearest I have ever come to it has been right AFTER being accused.<P>If you KNOW he's cheating and you want something to hold up in court, then spy on him.<P>If you WANT him to cheat, so you can get something on him when he does, then accuse him.<P>If you are not sure. . . well. . . that's tough. I still say Laura's positive is the way to go. Or, MikeC2 (he sometimes seems a tad brusque) makes sense.<P>Besides. . . you did already set him up once, tempting him anonymously as another woman. Doing that proved he's liable to, and was a great foundation for your loss of trust.<P>"What's the goal?", is a very good question. Do you want to break him, or fix him?

Wow, I'm just now putting these posts together.<P>personal, I hope you listen to the advice here. I believe you're spiraling down into the poorest of all communication techniques! <P>I DO understand how you feel. I've posted before that my H has an incredible knack for getting himself into questionable situations. And even after all of my OWN little espionages, I found nothing concrete AND upset HIM greatly! <P>By the way, ilmf, your posts could have been written by my H. <P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>The only time I have been ever really tempted to cheat was right after I had been accused of it.<HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>That's what my H tells me....<P>personal, I still say keep trying the positive road. Don't try to trick him. I agree with the others, be happy you have a "wake up call" here. Now what can you do, constructively, to make your marriage better?<P>Laura<P>

Personal. <P>I know how powerful the feelings are when you suspect your spouse of cheating. Its a combination of hurt, rejection, inadequacy and especailly loneliness. It feels like you can't talk to anyone. If you blab to your friends/family you loose face and my be embarrased if your wrong. You can't talk to H because you don;t trust him to tell the truth anyway. <P>Unfortunately, playing the "I have to find out" game won't help these feelings go away. Neither will confronting your H. Instead, follow the path sort of suggested by Laura and Dogbert. Work on improving your relationship with H. <P>I know this may be a scary thought. The more vulnerable you become, the more you may get hurt. But affairs often have a sprialling effect. The more the spouse suspects an affair, the more he/she pulls away and reinforces or justifies the need/desire for an affair. You sound like you may be falling into this trap. <P>Read the marriage builders pages - all of them. Read the posts in this section, the affairs section and in the emotional needs section. Concentrate on ways to improve your realtionship. You may have to live with those awefull feelings for a while - even deny them. It is tough, but I know you can do it. <P>Someday, when your relationship is better and he is ready, your H will fill you in on the details of his affair (emotional or physical). This may take years, but it will be a moment you will relish - a confirmation that he has realized he could never love anyone else again.

Personal,<BR>Even MB says we shouldn't trust our spouses, M or F, when it comes to infedelity. Not completly. Not to trust doesn't neccessarily mean dis-trust. <BR>I like Laura's approach to the situation, very clever!!<BR>My advise is, if your anything like me being obsessed with knowing or not knowing, is to invest the $$ in a P.I. It's about $50 an hr, expensive yes, but well worth the peace of mind it will give you weither it's true or not. Especially if it's not. You'll feel a little silly at first, but more secure the next time (if any) that you find yourself questioning. Just make sure your prepaired for what comes with if your fears are confirmed and exactly how you want to approach the situation. Most men will deny a mountain of evidence w/o any concrete proof. In my opinion KNOWING would be a lot better than stuck somewhere between believing or not believing.<BR>Any way, that's just my opinion.<BR>Hope it may help.<P>By the way, ilmf, you sound guilty to me. Affairs or not, your at least guilty of continuing to put youself in situations that appear inappropriate.

Quickly, read a book called "Love Must Be Tough" by Dr. James Dobson. I think it's wonderful advice for the partner who believes her spouse is having an affair. I'm not sure confirmation is the point, nor is confrontation.

also, I would recommend confirmation through a professional, as well . . . (a "p.i.")

I sound guilty, huh?<P>And here I sit wondering if you've any idea what lengths I go to to make SURE I am never in a situation that would appear guilty or potentially compromising. . .<P>I don't dare enter a lady's home unless her husband is present - don't flirt with others or make comments that might be miscontrued. . being sure to abstain from all appearance of evil.<P>Nope. . . never been caught with my hand in the cookie jar. Actually never had my hand even "in" the cookie jar. . . After three accusations, I don't even walk on the side of the kitchen where the cookie jar even is!!!<P>Hey, FS . . . maybe you and my wife ought to get together and have lunch sometime! She used to have a wonderful friend who filled her head with ideas like that, until they had a major confrontation over. . .get this. . a house plant that a lady gave my wife at a yard sale. My marriage got waaaaay better after that negative influence was gone.<P>The PI is a great way to make sure he knows he's not trusted. And when he KNOWS he's not trusted, he will FEEL not trusted. . .which doesn't really make for happy feelings at all. I recommend that anyone who doesn't trust their spouse just come right out and say, "I know I can never trust you" - my wife saved a ton of money with this method.<P>Her first step down this path was when she figured out "everyone does it". . .Oddly though, I haven't ever remotely suspected her of cheating. . .and she's one of everyone.<P>That's given me the giggles, here. It won't do any good to try and convince you, FS. . . but I think you've made a good case in point. And pretty clever, suggesting a compromise, too. . maybe that I have never been guilty of an actual affair, but evidently am guilty of putting myself into situations.<P>And not a shred of evidence, except that suspicion was present to begin with. . what an excellent foundation for an accusation.<P>By the way. . . it was "Personal" who posted to begin with, and I don't think she's come back. . . other than maybe to read, because I have watched her three posts and only us "others" have been posting here. . .

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by FeelingStupid:<BR><B>Not to trust doesn't neccessarily mean dis-trust. <BR></B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>What? I wonder what it really means, then. . .<P>

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by FeelingStupid:<BR><B>You'll feel a little silly at first</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Why would anyone feel silly? Every normal couple ought to hire out a PI now and then, right?<P>This is the first time I have ever made light of anyone's remarks on this board. Most of the time, really ridiculous stuff is best just not even acknowledged. . . but someone somewhere's liable to take that kind of input seriously and really trash their marriage.<P>It honestly DID hit home with me, since I've been on this train before. Hey, it really works. . . I can't imagine ever looking into my wife's eyes and telling her that I love her, and feeling like she really believes that.<P>I guess "distrust". . . or "not really trusting someone". . . whichever it is - I don't want to mess up the semantics there must breed a kind of distrust.<P>I've never suspected my wife of an affair, certainly. But after all the snooping around that she's done on me, deceitfully and dishonestly, I don't "trust" her at least with regard to what she "tells" me verbally on any account. I always wonder what she's got up her sleeve, and I don't feel particularly relaxed when she's around.<P>That's kind of backwards, isn't it? Our spouses should be a haven, and a comfort to us. . . away from the world, forsaking all others, cleaving to one another.

Now look what's gone and happened. . . my wife just called out from the other room asking, "what is so funny in there on the computer??"<P>. . . done gone and done it again. . . how am I gonna splain what I've been in here giggling about?<P>*smile*<P>We're supposed to be good to each other, and faithful. That DOES work both ways. If Personal's husband is cheating on her, then he'll probably mess up sooner or later and get caught anyway. Anyone who's cheating really does need to take their medicine.<P>But where an ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure, I don't recommend false accusations as an effective treatment.

Please, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to get personal and offend you. My discovery is still pretty fresh, and negative feelings are still close to surface. I just know that for me personally, I know when a situation could be viewed as inappropiate behavior and I avoid them. Laughing out loud on the computer is not one of them. However having my best friend check you into a motel, weither she's temporarily your assistant on a music video or not, and both get caught lying to me about it is. They say they lied because I was suspicious already and neither wanted to get *****ed out about what it looked like. Anyway, that's my story short and sweet. Had I hired a P.I. when I first got suspicious I would have confirmation if they were both telling me the truth about the motel. They say nothing happened. Their lie makes that hard to believe. What I meant about not trusting and distrusting, it's ok to not trust human nature without directly distrusting your spouse. Hey, MB put that thought into my head anyway.<BR>Thanks for your light hearted response to what I said about you sounding guilty.<BR>God bless,<BR>FS<BR>