Yep you're right. Am still engaging in this although it is 90% less than this time last year. Today he leaves this message: "Just wanted to wish you and son the merriest Christmas eve ever and hope you are having a wonderful day." I made a horrible mistake. I called him back to tell him that I was wanting our son back as per the agreement for this weekend (his entire family is here and are staying in my old house about three miles from here). And he says "I wish you didn't have bitterness. And then you could come over and celebrate with us as a FRIEND OF THE FAMILY. Friend of the family? I said "I am the mother of YOUR child. That constitutes much more than being a friend of the family. I cried. He said "you need to see someone about this".

You guys are right. Even the littlest bit of interaction is too much for me. And I am pretty much over everything now, it is basically the UTTER DENIAL that I have gone through and endured that has got me so still not healing as much as I should.

And the fact his family are enablers. They are adulterers themselves. They have made it ok for him to do this. And when I had to go pick up my son at his office, He was talking really loudly to one of the secretaries and his business partner. Saying how many toys they brought to the sheriff station for underprivileged children. Then his business partner said "you look great. Come give me a hug." Kept on saying it. I just smiled and felt wierd. I said "where is son? I just need to go and pick up son."

They are so far in denial it is funny. And because I am not buying into Deucey's whole imagined perfect world where a man who cheats, lies, and is emotionally and sometimes physically abusive to his wife can become best friends with them and they can laugh it off and just be ok with things is ludicrous. It is totally amazing how he has created this whole world that others see but only from the outside. They see this man who must be so nice, making outward attempts publicly to bring toys on behalf of his business to underprivileged children when only a year earlier it was his own child screaming for him. And it was this same man who utterly betrayed and hurt his wife so deeply that words cannot even properly convey that pain which he inflicted. And he can present to the whole world this facade of goodness. A man with no soul just pretending that he is good. Maybe if he pretends good enough he can fool God. Maybe that's his new plan. But I am sick.

How can someone care more for underprivileged children than saving their marriage or doing anything at all under the sun for their family? How can someone just feel nothing? How do they turn their conscience off? I don't get it.

And then I remembered that I did not get his answer about the return of our child so that I can spend the whole weekend with him after he has him for a half day tomorrow and the whole day on Thursday. I called his home and low and behold his father answeres. Deucey's own dad answers. I haven't spoken to the man in ONE YEAR. He has a strange sound to it. Like he is trying really hard to act happy or be friendly. This is the same man who was busted for again cheating on his own wife last year incidentally. I said that I had thought they were arriving tomorrow. He said that they had all come in today. He says "Merry Christmas it is SOOO GOOD TO HEAR FROM YOU." I was very brief but nice. Then he said in closing "love you". I wanted to puke. Really just hurl across the floor.

His whole family is foggy and probably in need of a GROUP OR FAMILY RATE FOR PSYCHIATRIST. I have to toally disengage all of th em forever. And yes, it's hard because it is Christmas. I am scared that they will show up on my front door tomorrow. I don't want to see any of them. Nobody has said they are sorry. Or that their son made a mistake or that they care for me. Nothing. Just support of Deucey, who incidentally is their BOSS AND SIGNS THEIR CHECKS.

I couldn't go back home and see my family because I have to work on Thursday. Too many patients. Three pre op workups. So I am stuck here. But I am doing my best. Getting ready to go with son to eat and get a few grocery items. I decorated the dining room table. Son and I are going to have a "fancy" (kid style food of course but on the good china) Christmas dinner together and then off to a candlelight service before getting ready for Santa.

It hurts alot because the core of the betrayal, the d days were always around Christmas. Two years ago Deucy didn't come home the night before Christmas eve thus signaling the discovery of his affair with ms. monkeyho. And then last year, he comes home the week before and spends three days and then leaves after pushing me really hard. Looked at me dead in the eyes and said he couldn't live without ms. monkey after doingf that. I am glad I don't have to live with it anymore. I don't want to. He is probably never going to repent. But I pray he does. But I believe this divorce is going to end up being probably the best thing for me.

And tomorrow, the Bigalow family will celebrate their Christmas. The Dad will smile so big and the mil will also smile really big too. They will all be pretending so hard that they are good people. That adultery isn't really that bad. That their son did the right thing by doing it. And that everyone is better off now. But the funny part is that unless there is an audience, who are they really fooling? Even my son, age four, knows. Yes sir, dinner should be a really different event at the Bigalow Dysfuntional Family Christmas Dinner.