I just posted this on Cajunkiy's thread & didn't want to hijack his thread so I am posting here for some feedback. This was a bid AH HA to me.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I am so happy for you and your family. God is good. You have made me think about my "stand" in my marriage. It's the part where I believe in God, I have faith in God but do I TRUST GOD? The way I see it God COULD restore my M, but do I really believe that HE WOULD restore my M? I believe that I have heard from God to let go, that the only way he (WH) will get it is if I do file for DV. I then read in a post by FREE that God had indicated the same thing for her, but then she got ahead of God. I posted a question to her last night about that. I may be there.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I have to even think about what I have been posting. If I was to read through would it show that I was standing for my M or that I had given up? I am disgusted by the actions that my WH has done and probably should be but, am I allowing God to work in this situation? Am I in the way?

Any thoughts?

God Bless,

D. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

<small>[ January 17, 2003, 09:30 AM: Message edited by: WillGetThruThis ]</small>

D, Great questions. I saw this on cajunky's thread and I'm glad you posted it here. My faith does not guarantee that God will restore my marriage just because that's what I think I want.

I believe God wants what's best for all of us. The best I could do was to get as far out of God's way as possible with no contact, restraining order, filing for divorce, and getting on with my own life. I went through so much pain in the last 3 years, I needed to do this in order for me to survive emotionally.

True, I'm not standing for my marriage in the way that cajunky is, but I am trying to be willing to accept whatever happens. Our situations are all different. For example, I was in a relationship with a verbally abusive alcoholic/addict who lied constantly, cheated on me throughout our marriage (though I was in denial about this until recently), threatened to kill me repeatedly, etc.

How do we know what God's will is for us? How do we know that restoration of marriage is necessarily the best thing for all the parties concerned? My H and the MOW both have free will, too. Restoration of their marriages is an option neither of them is choosing. How do I know what God's will is for them? I think all I can do is put one foot in front of the other and leave the results up to God.

I look forward to hearing yours and others thoughts on this.

WGTT,

We have to turn to God for answers to all things.
I had the same questions that you do when my husband first left. I would read the Bible and then learn God's promises only to have them taken away by well meaning friends talking about free will. I cried out to God and he gave me this verse:
PR 16:9 In his heart a man plans his course,
but the LORD determines his steps.

He also gave me this verse which told me who was in charge of the heart:

PR 21:1 The king's heart is in the hand of the LORD;
he directs it like a watercourse wherever he pleases.

When I went to friends for answers I always got confused.Then I learned the center of God's will for us is in PS. 118:8

It is better to take refuge in the LORD
than to trust in man.

So I have learned to search His word for answers and ask Him to confirm thru something or someone.We must trust God's word. He will never go against His word. What does His word say about your situation. I can tell you what He has shown me, but you will not trust until you know what He is saying to you.I will give you this last verse that I hold on to:

PS 37:4 Delight yourself in the LORD
and he will give you the desires of your heart.

I hope this helps you. I will pray for you to discern what God is saying to you in His word.

gentle

<small>[ January 05, 2003, 02:40 PM: Message edited by: gentle ]</small>

Widgett,
I agree with lets try. I think in my rebellion 26 years ago, maybe H wasnt Gods Will and he need to mold me and make me yield to his will.

I too need to get out of this situation for my spiritual, physical and emotional health, and financially, that means a divorce because my H is taking us all with him on his trip to the bottom.

I also need to do this for the same reason for my children.

Im not looking for anyone, but if God sends someone my way to love me like he fully intended, I will accept that. If God chooses to heal my H and repair our relationship, I will accept that too. I love who my H was when he was walking in Gods will, not who he has become. Only God will write the script for the rest of my life.

My work is to know His will and try to let this bitterness go.

Message today was from Psalms 37. I have reread that chapter several times again today.

Thanks for all who have responded so far.

To further clarify this morning what hit me was I know can restore marriages, but am I truley believing, acting and living like He WILL restore my M? I can see that he has restored other M's but do I believe that He WILL restore mine.

I have prayed and been prayed over. After the discovery of drugs and alcohol what I heard God saying to me was "Leg Go, there is more." I thought the let go meant DV. I still think it does however letting go isn't a one time action i.e. Dv that is over and done with. There are a lot of little steps that lead up to letting go. Plus there are a lot of little ways that I let go.

I let go of my expectations
I let go of my denial
I let go of seeing my WH the way he was
I let go of seeing the potential of what WH could be, if only ......
I let go of the situation
I let go of my fears
... of facing life alone
... of financial insecurity
... that I would loose him forever if I let go
... of thinking there was a possibility that WH would commit suicide if I let go.
I let go that I can control my WH's life in any way
I let go that I can blame him for any of my troubles
I can let go of my anger and resentments
I can let go of thinking that only WH can do maintenance on our home and find solutions
I can let go that I have all the anwsers
I can let go that life just doesn't always go my way
I can let go of my insecurities
I can let go of my fear of what would happen if I let go
I can let go of putting WH before God when it comes to finances
I can let go of my hanging on because of fear of the unknown.
I can let go of trying to control the outcome

Cajunky in his posts never waivered, he didn't put his WW down, he just kept believing.

Maybe it's different when you deal with an alcoholic/ drug addict as a spouse. We not only deal with the betrayal from the A, but an additional hurdle of alcohol / drugs. For me I don't want the WH back who uses drugs and alchohol to deal with life. Even with this, I see everyday how God changes down and out people strung out on drugs into Godly, usefull people. I am one of them.

God Bless,

D.

<small>[ January 05, 2003, 04:43 PM: Message edited by: WillGetThruThis ]</small>

WGTT:

Good thread. I have also recently been struggling with some of these same questions. In fact, this morning, before church, I was questioning some of these same things. Wondering if it was just ME, or if God was REALLY expecting me to stand for my M, knowing what I know about my WH. I was saying things like, "He'll never turn around. It's impossible to expect such a thing as Cajunky's W to happen to ME."

My WH left over a year and a half ago, wanted a Div. immediately, KNEW he wanted it (although he couldn't even tell me why, said he "couldnt' explain it to me"), I don't believe another person was involved......and he never waivered from that assertion.

WHERE does that leave me? Divorced. For more than 6 months now. Do I believe that is "The End?" Nope. Why not? Cause a Divorce Decree by an "earthly judge" is just a piece of paper. It does NOT supercede what laws and decrees are created by God. AND, as Gentle said, 'The heart of a man is in the hand of the Lord,' therefore I can believe God will move my H back toward me in HIS time and in His way.

Can I positively say that is what YOU should believe? Absolutely not! I wouldn't presume to tell someone else what they should or should not be believing/doing. I'm just saying that these are some of the questions/answers I came up with in my "search" for God's leading.

Let me share this too: Today in church our pastor was preaching about King Jehoshaphat in II Chronicles 20 when armies of enemies were about to do the Israelites in. He cried out to God to know what to do. The prophet Jahaziel told the King, "STAND STILL AND SEE THE SALVATION OF THE LORD, for the battle is not yours, but the Lord's" as a promise that God would defeat their enemies! Isn't that GOOOOD?!?!?!?! Isn't that just a reminder TO US, too, that the battle isn't ours. The battle isn't even with our WS's, but it is a spiritual battle with our enemy who wants to destroy ALL M's, especially christians. So, for me, standing for my M, praying for my H to return to the Lord and get back his relationship w/Jesus isn't debatable! WIthout my prayer, I don't know that ANYONE else is praying for him, and he could be lost forever if I don't continue to pray for his deliverance.

At the very beginning of this "ordeal" - one of the VERY FIRST scriptures that came to mind was that one: "Stand still and see the salvation of the Lord." I believed God was speaking to me then, and I believe He reminded me of it this morning.

Speaking of free will......I saw "Touched By an Angel" last night, and saw a perfect example of man's "Free Will" utilized to run away from God. For those who didn't see it: there was supposedly an asteroid that was approaching Earth, and would crash into it. SOmehow, a Divorced father spending "his" week-end with his son ended up at some remote cabin with all the angels during all this. When it finally came out that this asteroid was coming, the son was angry at the father for having him isolated from the rest of his family, so he tried to make a run for it to go home. Tess, the Head Angel (if you;re not familiar with the show) tried to convince him not to leave (since humans have free will, she had NO power to stop him from doing whatever he wanted to do). So he took a car that didn't belong to him and left. Just a little ways down the road, however, he had run over something in the roadway, and the vehicle was rendered inoperable. So, to me, the message was that even tho God "allows" us Free Will, he manages the circumstances such that we still have to turn to HIM when all else fails! Anyway, it spoke to me, and showed me that even our FREE WILL is limited by what God will allow before He steps in and reels us back.

Remember, even satan had to ask permission from God before he was allowed to "touch" Job, and even THEN, God told him what limits were put on him as to what he could/could NOT do to Job! God knew even before Job was afflicted what would befall him, and He knew the OUTCOME.

GOD IS ALWAYS IN CONTROL!

AMEN!!!

Hi, I did respond to you, but the answer was so long, I decided to move it over here to your thread.WGTT,(This is kind of long,sorry)

I will try to explain what I feel. First of all, H has done many things that are not acceptable in a marriage. These things hurt and scarred me very badly. He basically didn't want to talk about any of it. I had to deal with it on my own and with God's help. These things started happening many years ago. Like 20 years ago. When I married him, I had made a promise that it was for life and I meant it. In the beginning I would try to talk to him and thought if we could talk about it and he understood how hurt I was, I would begin to heal. I tried daily to forget about all the "bad" things he had done and hope for a better future. But H didn't change. Then I became complacent about the things that had happened and that still didn't help me heal. I quit persueing H for help or answers. I started praying for direction I was supposed to take at this time, instead of praying for H to change. Each time I prayed, I felt like God was telling me to let him go and get out. At this time he had cheated, lied, been extremely verbally and emotionally abusive and at times physically abusive. He had put me out of the car on a dark highway when I was 7 mo. pregnant and drove off and left me to walk 1/2 mile in the pitch black dark, with our 2 yo in the car with him. For years he worked the night shift and would be anywhere from 1 to 5 hours late coming home from work. Many more things happened over the course of our marriage. I read this and wonder WHY I stayed, but it was because had made myself and God a promise it was forever. I just kept trying anything to get him to respect me more than this. In the course of things, I lost all respect for him and eventually for myself.I read books on how to have a better relationship and he flatly refused, tearing one of them up saying I was trying to change him. Well duh! I guess I was.

About two years ago, I left on a trip for work and each time I left he would have me crying when I went out the door. I had wanted to leave on good terms since I would be gone all week. He would never let this happen. I would cry and ask God to help our marriage, and I still heard the same answer. So I started to detatch myself emotionally. We quit talking altogether. To do this I started thinking of everything he had ever done to me and the kids, with seemingly no remorse. I struggled the whole last year, making my plan and figuring out how I would survive financially without him. The kids begged me to get a divorce. So, following what I still think was God's direction, I checked with an attorney. He was way to expensive so I bought a kit and was going to proceed with the divorce. H finally came to me and asked what was going to happen with us. I told him I was finished! He asked if I had filed and I told him not yet, but that I was going to. We had the first civilized conversation we had had in years. At this point he was still blaming me for everything he had done, I had or hadn't done such and such he would not have done what he did. I said that's fine, but I'm finished so it no longer matters. That night he came to bed and said,"What do I have to do to be able to stay" I told him he would have to go to counseling, get on medication for his depression, treat us with respect, don't expect anything from me right now (at this point I am over him and completly detached). Then I told him he was the meanest person I know. I told him I had a lot of expectations from him and he had little to no room for error at this point. Then I said if you want to work on it, knowing all of this, I will try. I also told him I didn't know if my feelings were gone or just locked up but I was willing to give it another shot and see what happens.

After having said all of that, I can relate this to the story of Abraham, when God told him to sacrifice his only son. God was testing Abraham, and in the end he did not have to sacrifice his son, God provided the sacrifice. I think maybe I got ahead of God, and instead of just following his direction, took it upon myself to detatch from my H. But then again as I write this, it was the detatchment that brought about the healing that I so needed to be able to stay in the relationship. In telling H I was finished, he realized he didn't want to loose his family and is working VERY hard to bring about the changes needed to stay.

I have to tell you, tho, that it has not been easy. I worked so hard to get completly over H so I could be emotionally sound when I left, that I am having a hard time finding my way back. I still don't know what the final outcome will be, but I have decided to quit looking so far down the road and live for today. It took me a long time to be obedient to God in this situation. For one, I didn't think it lined up with God's word and at times questioned who I was hearing. In the beginning, I DID NOT want to leave and was sure I had heard wrong. Now, looking back, it has been a great lesson to me, to listen and be obedient, even if it doesn't make sense at the time. I also feel like we had to "sacrifice" the relationship for God to be able to restore it.

I guess, where I really raced ahead of God was in my mind, because I never followed through, but arrived to the place he instructed me to be, to give it up. God didn't tell me t plan a new life, he told me to get out. Maybe now that I think about it, getting out, meant emotionally not physically. I don't know if this makes any sense as I'm still trying to figure some of it out. I have realized a lot this a.m. as I am typing this. So thanks for asking, it helped me understand things a little better anyway.

We are in counseling at this point and working on creating a new freindship and basically starting over. He is very afraid that he will not measure up and I am somewhat concerned of my feelings or lack of. But I cannot throw in the towel at this point after I can see what all God has done in our lives so far. I am trusting God totally that this is his will at this time and he will see us through.
Free

I would like to add something. I think when dealing with alcohol and or drugs, it sheds a different light on restoration. I believe the alcohol and drugs have to be out of the picture to have a real relationship. When people are under the influence, they are not their true self. I know I would not want to have to battle through the influence to try to salvage the relationship. It's a force that has to be removed to have a genuine relationship with that other person. I don't believe that all marriages are meant to be. I don't think all of them will be restored. I do think both have to want it and be willing to make it work. I'm not completly sure mine even will, in the long run. I just know this is what I have to do at this time. I don't intend to ever put up with the kind of life I had before. But I do know that I am giving it my best and if it doesn't work then I have done all I can do.
Free

Free,

Thank you for posting. What a story! I could relate to so much of what you posted. It helps clarify things in my mind that I was feeling but having a hard time putting words to it.

I believe also that drugs and alcohol have to be out of the picture for an addict before any real relationship can begin. God could and would if he were sought.

Free says </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I struggled the whole last year, making my plan and figuring out how I would survive financially without him. The kids begged me to get a divorce. So, following what I still think was God's direction, I checked with an attorney.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">This is where I am right now. At times I feel an overwelming sense that I will be ok and other times am scared of what is to come.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I have to tell you, tho, that it has not been easy. I worked so hard to get completly over H so I could be emotionally sound when I left, that I am having a hard time finding my way back. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I have worked hard to detatch from WH and there are times lately that I actually look forward to being on my own. It would be hard for me to go back too because of all that he has done and not done but also because of what you mention, the work of detatching from the man.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">It took me a long time to be obedient to God in this situation. For one, I didn't think it lined up with God's word and at times questioned who I was hearing. In the beginning, I DID NOT want to leave and was sure I had heard wrong. Now, looking back, it has been a great lesson to me, to listen and be obedient, even if it doesn't make sense at the time. I also feel like we had to "sacrifice" the relationship for God to be able to restore it.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">It has taken me a while too. I kept hearing Let Go. So I prayed some more Let Go, let Me deal with him. Maybe we have to sacrifice the relationship too for God to be able to restore it.

15 years ago, WH was doing some of the same things he is now and when I prayed, I heard God say tell Eddie ( a strong Christian friend of ours) I kept praying and hearing the same thing! I wasn't as obedient then and never did tell Eddie.

Then 10 years ago, same thing goind on and in prayer hear tell Eddie. This went on for a while and finally I said to God "If you want me to tell Eddie, then put him in front of me" That was late at night. The next morning comming out of the donut shop at 6:30 am, I see Eddie driving up. I just told him I needed to talk to him & did later that day.

Many years went by & I brought that up in my prayer group & said I still don't know why God said to tell Eddie. A strong prayer warrior said that I was being obedient.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I am trusting God totally that this is his will at this time and he will see us through.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I am in awe of your story! Also I have to admit that I am fearful that God will do the same thing ot our M. There is soooo much work to be done so on one hand I want the M to work (with a husband who is a new man in Christ) but am fearful of the work to be done and the things that you just have to go thru.

It has almost seemed better at this point to get a DV. Free your post has been very thought provoking to me today. It seems that it has been a day of reflection and introspection.

God Bless,

D.

Lupolady says:

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> for the battle is not yours, but the Lord's" as a promise that God would defeat their enemies! Isn't that GOOOOD?!?!?!?! Isn't that just a reminder TO US, too, that the battle isn't ours. The battle isn't even with our WS's, but it is a spiritual battle with our enemy who wants to destroy ALL M's, especially christians. So, for me, standing for my M, praying for my H to return to the Lord and get back his relationship w/Jesus isn't debatable! WIthout my prayer, I don't know that ANYONE else is praying for him, and he could be lost forever if I don't continue to pray for his deliverance.

</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I have read that in the Bible and thought of other stories as well where the Lord created circumstances for the underdog to win where there was no doubt that the Lord was the victor.

I just thought of a post of yours on the prayer board back in Feb about someone's prayer being answered in a mighty way that she knew God was at work (can't remember the exact circumstances) I prayed for the same thing and had a crazy call from OW2 & knew that God had answered my prayer that day. It didn't happen all at once but I believe that WH will get very tired of OW2 acting like a 2 year old.

God Bless

D.

Good points, Free.

Basically, I think where we get confused is in trying to understand what God wants us to do, instead of just obeying Him.

See, HIS ways are far above our ways, His thinking WAAAAAY above anything we can comprehend!! Consequently, we tend to try to limit God's ability to what WE could understand, what WE could do, what WE would think of! He can't be put in a box, or defined in a few puny human words. Trying to understand the whole of what God is doing/will do in our lives by what we can see, or what WE want to happen and HOW we want it to happen limits US, not HIM!!

I find that to be profound! I find that be to be liberating.

In your obeying His command to "Let it go" but thinking He wanted you to let your M go, maybe that's what you did? Maybe you were thinking He was saying GET OUT OF THE M, when what He really wanted was just for you to LET HIM HAVE IT, to do His Work to change it, change your H, which it sounds like He is doing.

I know for myself, something else I've been thinking about today....I often get to a place where I say to God, "OK, God, I've changed now. I know I'm definitely ready to work on my M. Please send my H home, so we can work on it together! I know what to do, and how to be the W I need to be."

THEN, a few months later, I see things that are STILL not right in me........and I say, "Wow, God, You KNOW I wasn't ready then. But I'm ready NOW!" And it starts all over again.

See, we were discussing this the other day (on Cajunk's thread, I think), saying we spend so much time and energy thinking about, discussing, praying for, wishing, wanting our M's back, that we forget to work on our spiritual walk. THEN we wonder WHY God hasn't blessed us with our blessings He has promised us!!! He has promised to bless us with all good things, but requires obedience from us in order to get it!!!

Obedience does not mean moaning day and night about our S's sin, separation, div. or whatever else (I'm not picking on you, or anyone specific, just listing some observances).

So, my New Year's Resolution this year ( <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> ) is going to be to seek a closer walk with God. To remember to PRAISE HIM at all times. I know I have to walk with HIM regardless of where my WH is....or what he is doing. He may never succomb to God's will for him. He may never come home. What then? Do I spend the rest of my life just sitting here? Doing NOTHING to further my walk with God, cause I'm waiting for THAT EVENT before getting to where God wants me to be? NO!!! I need to be where and what God wants ME to be, and LEAVE THE REST of my life up to Him.

I DO believe God can and WILL restore my M. I have NO guarantee when that will happen, however. It might be 20+ years from now!! In the meantime, I have to know what He wants me to do today, this week, this year. My WH is HIS problem now! THIS is "detachment" at its purest, I think.

Just like Abraham held up Isaac, NOT thinking about "How is God going to work this out?" "If I kill the child, is God going to raise him from the dead?" "Will Sarah bear ANOTHER child for me?" In other words, HE DIDN'T QUESTION HOW GOD WAS GOING TO WORK IT OUT. He just knew God said He would, and He trusted God was able to keep His promise.

I want to be to that point. Just obedient.

God Bless,

LetSTry

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">How do we know what God's will is for us? How do we know that restoration of marriage is necessarily the best thing for all the parties concerned? My H and the MOW both have free will, too. Restoration of their marriages is an option neither of them is choosing. How do I know what God's will is for them? I think all I can do is put one foot in front of the other and leave the results up to God.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I have a friend (rocovering alcoholic of many years) that just remarried his wife after about 10 years of DV. Niether of them remarried, they dated others on occasion. The look on his face was precious. God put them back together after many years in a strange way.

One of the reasons that WH gave for leaving was that I had gotten to religious. I guess you might say that it was the only way that I had to get through my M falling apart.

gentle

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> will pray for you to discern what God is saying to you in His word.

</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Thank you, I need lots of prayers right now (and always) I also have prayed for God to show me how I should look at things, to see things as He would have me see them

sunrise

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I agree with lets try. I think in my rebellion 26 years ago, maybe H wasnt Gods Will and he need to mold me and make me yield to his will.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I believe that I did the same thing. My walk with the Lord was almost non existant back then.

This thread has been good to help me sort out where my real beliefs are, to clarify my thoughts. God can work thru other people.

Thanks everyone!

God Bless,

D.

luplady

Our posts must have crossed

Your reply to LetSTry has hit home with me ...

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> See, HIS ways are far above our ways, His thinking WAAAAAY above anything we can comprehend!! Consequently, we tend to try to limit God's ability to what WE could understand, what WE could do, what WE would think of! He can't be put in a box, or defined in a few puny human words. Trying to understand the whole of what God is doing/will do in our lives by what we can see, or what WE want to happen and HOW we want it to happen limits US, not HIM!!
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I can't imagine how to restore my M at this point but God's ways are far above mine. He has the whole picture, I do not.

In your response to Free ....

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">In your obeying His command to "Let it go" but thinking He wanted you to let your M go, maybe that's what you did? Maybe you were thinking He was saying GET OUT OF THE M, when what He really wanted was just for you to LET HIM HAVE IT, to do His Work to change it, change your H, which it sounds like He is doing.

</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Maybe this is where I am confused as well, maybe I was thinking DV when I should be turning it over to Him.

Free indicated that she had to be a stronger person to detatch and leave the M. I have felt the same way too. That I had to get stronger so WH would know that I meant it and that I would be willing to walk away from him if he continued living a life that was ungodly.

That same strength that needed to be gained was also needed for the M as well! Free needed the new strength to do what she is doing now.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I know for myself, something else I've been thinking about today....I often get to a place where I say to God, "OK, God, I've changed now. I know I'm definitely ready to work on my M. Please send my H home, so we can work on it together! I know what to do, and how to be the W I need to be."

THEN, a few months later, I see things that are STILL not right in me........and I say, "Wow, God, You KNOW I wasn't ready then. But I'm ready NOW!" And it starts all over again.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Wow!!!! I had this same thought this afternoon. OK Lord, I'm ready. Then more to work on me, then the same thing over again. Today, I realize that I am at another growth step and there is more to work on me. The questioning is a good thing, it makes me think, makes me look further into myself and ask is this OK Lord, or is there more that I need to do?

Thanks again lupolady.

God Bless,

D.

<small>[ January 05, 2003, 07:35 PM: Message edited by: WillGetThruThis ]</small>

It seems to me that a lot of what I'm reading here involves wondering about what God might do in the life of the WS, and I think there's some good thoughts expressed here. My own contribution will be the lyrics to an old song for which unfortunately I cannot supply the proper attribution:

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">The Hornet Song
<strong>When the Canaanites hardened their hearts against God
And grieved Him because of their sin
God sent along hornets to bring them to time
And to help His own people to win
The hornets persuaded them that it was best
To go quickly and not to go slow
God did not compel them to go 'gainst their will
But He just made them willing to go

God does not compel us to go (no, no!)
He does not compel us to go (oh, no!)
God does not compel us to go 'gainst our will
But He just makes us willing to go

If a nest of live hornets were brought to this room
And the creatures allowed to go free
You would not need urging to make yourself scarce
You'd want to get out, don't you see?
They would not lay hold and by force of their strength
Throw you out of the window - oh no!
They would not compel you to go 'gainst your will
No, they'd just make you willing to go!

When Jonah was sent to the work of the Lord
The outlook was not very bright
He never had done such a hard thing before
So he backed and ran off from the fight
But God sent a big fish to swallow him up
The story I'm sure you all know
God did not compel him to go 'gainst his will
But He just made him willing to go

God does not compel us to go (no, no!)
He does not compel us to go (oh, no!)
God does not compel us to go 'gainst our will
But He just makes us willing to go
</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">But actually, I'm not sure how important it is to ask what the WS might end up doing. It seems to me that it's rather more pertinent what I'm going to end up doing.

Making plans and setting goals is all well and good, but we should never forget that our lives are out of our own control, except in the matter of how we choose to act and react. My "life verse" these days comes from the story of the "Three Hebrew Children" who stood before King Nebuchadnezzar in Babylon, refusing to bow down to his idol despite the threat of being thrown into the furnace: "If it be so, our God whom we serve is able to deliver us from the furnace of blazing fire; and He will deliver us out of your hand, O king. But even if He does not, let it be known to you, O king, that we are not going to serve your gods or worship the golden image that you have set up." (Daniel 3:17-18)

I do not know whether my (ex-)wife will ever come back to me. I don't need to know. All I need to do is live as I believe God wants me to live. All I need to do is resist the golden and illusory image of personal-happiness-through-self-interest, and do what is right.

Even though sometimes the sense of loneliness and loss threatens to overwhelm me.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Walk On (by Mark Harris and Tony Wood)
<strong>The wind blows hard
The climb is slow
Shadows are dark
I stumble on these stones
But my Lord, You are near
I will not fear

I chose to take this road called faith
I will walk on
I trust that You will lead me through
I will walk on

No end in view
At times I feel alone
And the signs are few
But at least they all say home,
And You my Lord, You're the hope I hold
Strength of my soul

I chose to take this road called faith
I will walk on
I trust that You will lead me through
I will walk on

Because of love
There was an awful hill You climbed
And because of love
I'll live my faith
One step at a time

The course is set
Life's hard but yet
We will walk on
Around each bend, until the end
We will walk on</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">

I am so glad and pray for you guys. Wish I could say that all marriages should be restored but they are not.

My stbx is still verbally abusive to me. He brings his new mistress over to spend the night with her two year old son spending the night in same room as our precious boy. He never repented and is still involved in yet another adulterous affair. He abused me physically and verbally and emotionally.

He is not willing to change and I am not willling anymore to take it. God allows for divorce when there is unrepented adultery or very abusive behavior. I have endured this hell for three years now and I am done.

Will stbx change? Not now and hopefully will in the future. He is really lost. I tell him via emails that I am praying for him and will not have any contact with him unless he changes one day and accepts God and MB principles. I am not expecting truthfully a reconciliation as he is growing worse.

Some people can feel the conviction of God in their hearts. He cannot. God has to allow this man to sink to the bottom, to the lowest point I think now. I can't be standing on the deck as the titanic keeps on sinking any more. I kept throwing him spiritual and emotional life preservers for three years now. And I have to jump off. It hurts alot, but I am freed of his sin. I felt like it was weighing me so far down that I was almost drowning. I am not willing to do that. I have to be ther emotionally and morally for my son. My son has to be raised in a Christian home where he is taught respect for both marriage and women. So when he marries one day, he will not continue the cycle of destruction of his dad and his paternal grandfather. God will bless us. We are turning to Him. My eyes focus up when my heart is so down.

Sometimes we have to do things that we abhor. Things that we would and never ever consider should our lives be different. I am praying now for a new life. And a new marriage one day. And a positive, Christian man who will be a great role model for my son. Maybe my stbx will change one day and become that man. Or maybe God will place someone else in our lives. I know that I was a good wife. A good mother still. God will continue to bless us.

I pray Jabez' pray almost every day. God's been good even though life has been so tough.

WGTT -

Great post!

I too struggle with these thoughts.

I have seen God reach out to my H SO MANY TIMES during the past year and a half, but everytime ExH rejects God.

We always have to consider that every person has free will and there may be something about that person that makes it extremely hard for them to turn their lives over to God.

For those people it may take THEIR ENTIRE LIVES - in fact it's that why we are here on this earth? To develop a relationship with God?

With that said, I am thinking that God has saved me from a person who was not going to change any time soon and who may never change and who was BRINGING ME AND MY CHILDREN DOWN to his level which was AWAY FROM GOD.

I very much believe in the until death do us part, but God also said that Jesus came to put one family member against the other - that the important thing is to follow God and put Him first over any relationship here on earth.

It is hard to remember that the people we married are only human there are only people and people who if they are not acting according to what God wants may be put on another path to finish their journey, so that we are not made to continue to suffer.

In my case, I know that my children NEED to see what a REAL CHRISITAN FATHER is like, so that they can in turn be those types of men, instead of the selfish emotional child that their father is. And God does not, I think want me to be single during their formative years while we're all waiting around for Ex to find God. That would be another tragedy that Ex would have inflicted upon us all if that happened - IMO.

I think that God gave us a good start. That ExH decided to make choices that have led him and continue to lead him away from God and that I was being dragged down with Him and God said ENOUGH.

God works with us and for some, as I said, it may take their entire lives to get the picture.

So, we are allowed and even encouraged to move on and live the life that Go dwants us to live.

Yes, marriages are IMPORTANT and so are our committments, but they are not more important than God, and I could not use the gifts that God has given me if I did not accept the end of my marriage and move on.

We're human too and can't properly function if we are spending our entire lives chasing after a person who is just not walking on the right path.

At least those are the conclusions that I'm coming too.

I too have and still pray every day for ExH's conversion and return to the marriage IF it is God's will - and God has yet to send ExH back, so I think He's trying to tell me something here.

I just have to listen.

Just wanted to give my two cents.

K

Wow-- what a great, thought provoking thread!! Just got back after several days away, lots of time to think during the long drive...I'm so glad to see these posts from other people and know the struggle that I go through is their's too. So many times I have felt that if I let go of my husband, there will be no one there to show him the way back. It's like watching someone drown in slow motion. Even my children haven't understood my heartfelt desire to NOT desert this man, even though he does everything to drive me away that he can.
For my own self preservation I have to go through the motions of this divorce. The phrase, "set it free if it returns it is meant to be" keeps going through my head. Many times I have felt God's presence in helping me to discover what was going on - showing me things that I should not have had access to. It was like He wanted me to know so that I could protect myself. My husband was given a miracle this past summer, a true chance to rebuild our marriage, a chance that God offered. I took it with all my heart. My husband took it and twisted it to his own use.
Perhaps we have to let go to have a chance to rebuild it later on...
I believe with all my heart that we are meant to be together, that God placed us in each other's lives as part of His plan and His will. If this is true, than eventually our marriage will be restored. I will do my part to make that happen. Sometimes that may mean doing something that I don't want to do, like the D, to get my husband to the point that God needs him to be at. I depend on God to make that clear to me.
But your posts have made me realize that I need to spend more time with God and less time trying to "control" the situation. Thank you all for that!!
WGTT, thank you for posting this thread.

WGTT,

Great thread! I had to post.

My H left in July and I have had no contact since then. Married 3 years, no children. As a BS, and also a Christian, there is always the hope of restoration. My way of letting go was to completely renew my mind in Christ. When the enemy would bring thoughts of desertion, hate, etc. I would replace it with scripture. "My God will never leave me or forsake me" Remember, when Satan approached Jesus, He would always respond with, "It is written". Therefore, I made a concious effort to know what was written. Through this, I have transformed into a person I like very much. Not the same weak, clingy individual that my H felt trapped with. Because of that I couldn't settle for the old marriage, the same need is not there. God is the only one who can change my H heart and He can do it in an instant, if He so chooses.

Don't buy into friends idea of your H's free will. Jonah had a free will too, and God prepared a giant fish just for him. If your H's knew God and the Word, they can't run. God is more than capable of sending your H's back if it is His will.

Now with that said, I will say that in the beginning our pastor called my H to set up a meeting. Well that was in August and my H never called back. During my prayer time some weeks ago, the Lord had me write the desires of my heart on paper. I know that when I delight myself in Him, he will give me the desires of my heart. So, I started writing in no particular order. I wrote: My H will contact the Pastor and that would be a sign or wonder that God heard me and He was directing my paths. Well 2 weeks ago, our Pastor received a card from my H telling him that he missed everyone and he would see him soon.

This is a rather long post, but it is all to say, when you have a question, ASK GOD not your friends, He is faithful and He will answer, and without a doubt, you will know it's Him. Ask Him to help your unbelief and He will do it for you.
He'll help you change in areas where you didn't even know there was a problem, believe me. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

God Bless,
relady

What wonderful, thoughtful responses from everyone!

Thanks Wgtt for the thread, for your list of things to let go of, and for your story of your friend (recovering alcoholic of many years) who just remarried his wife after about 10 years of DV.

Thanks, Lupolady, for your inspirational words:
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">So, my New Year's Resolution this year is going to be to seek a closer walk with God. To remember to PRAISE HIM at all times. I know I have to walk with HIM regardless of where my WH is....or what he is doing. He may never succumb to God's will for him. He may never come home. What then? Do I spend the rest of my life just sitting here? Doing NOTHING to further my walk with God, cause I'm waiting for THAT EVENT before getting to where God wants me to be? NO!!! I need to be where and what God wants ME to be, and LEAVE THE REST of my life up to Him.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Thanks, Gnome de plume, for reiterating what others have said, that we need to concern ourselves with our own actions, not those of the WS:
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">But actually, I'm not sure how important it is to ask what the WS might end up doing. It seems to me that it's rather more pertinent what I'm going to end up doing&#8230; I do not know whether my (ex-)wife will ever come back to me. I don't need to know. All I need to do is live as I believe God wants me to live. All I need to do is resist the golden and illusory image of personal-happiness-through-self-interest, and do what is right.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I agree with Broken X 3:
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">For my own self preservation I have to go through the motions of this divorce. The phrase, "set it free if it returns it is meant to be" keeps going through my head... Perhaps we have to let go to have a chance to rebuild it later on... I believe with all my heart ... that God placed us in each other's lives as part of His plan and His will. If this is true, than eventually our marriage will be restored. I will do my part to make that happen. Sometimes that may mean doing something that I don't want to do, like the D, to get my husband to the point that God needs him to be at. I depend on God to make that clear to me.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">

WOW,

A lot of great responses today!

I just came to post that when God told me to let go, I just assumed I knew what that meant. I didn't!!! I realized thru these posts that I need to ask God what that means, what do I need to do in response, and how does He want me to look at this.

There are times I feel God wants me to stand for this M, and there are times when I feel like GIIC, that God has saved my from a horrible situation, that He knows WH will not change and God is giving me a better life. Even if we do DV, I would continue to pray for WH's salvation and to give his life over to the care of God.

I'm tired & headed to bed, but will respond tomorrow to all those who posted. Your responses are very much appreciated! And thought provoking!

God Bless

D.