CS can be such a complicated thing. Every state has different statutes, incomes and custody arrangements can vary greatly. Since I moved out we've split everything evenly (clothes, dance class, daycare, etc). So far it's worked out fine. Neither of us is hurting. If I have to pay her 20% of the differnce in our salaries to "even" things out a little, I'm fine with that.

Incidently, my W is buying a TH a few miles from where we lived. I'm buying her out of our house. It's more house than I need and more than I was hoping to spend, but I did it because I want my daughter to have some stability in her life. It's the only home she's ever known. $$ may be a little tight, but it's something I felt was right to do for my daughter.

sad dad

Just to add my situation and circumstances.

I too am relegated to the 'bank' status for my STBX. She feels that I make more, therefor I should pay more. I WANT to pay, I truly do, but I get so sick of everytime she 'needs' something that she attacks me. I insisted upon separation, that I pay much more than child support, simply because I know that in order for her to maintain the home that we lived in and her current lease on her car, she must have it. I absolutely see that extra money as 'pseudo-child support'. I know that without it, she would be in an apartment and driving some Yugo. I don't mind in the least that I pay more, and do it happily.

But what bothers me is that it isn't 'enough'. Even though we figured out all bills and whatnot, and with my payments, she should have over $800 extra a month, by her own accounting. That is after all bills are paid and everything is taken into account. Per the child support form, I am responsible for approximately 70% of child care and she is for the remainder. That is for extraneous things such as medical care, medications, sports, and everything else for our children. I pay ALL of it gladly. I never once asked her to pay her 'share'. I pay for all school lunches, books, etc. absolutely willingly. I never asked her for support at all.

She says she doesn't have money, but she wears new clothes all the time. She takes trips to New Orleans. But she can't get our boy's hair cut. She tries to guilt me, and unfortunately it works, because I know that my boys are all I care about, so I make sure that they are cared for regardless of what she does. But it is hard.

I work extra in order to make these payments. I also work extra to support my own home. I have had to buy many things for my home, since I was basically starting a new home. I did have a few things from our home, Kitchen table, old couch, etc. But I had to buy almost everything else. On the one hand she doesn't want me to take 'her stuff', then she is angry because I buy 'new stuff, leaving her with the old stuff.'

Anyway, since I have been moonlighting alot in order to get these things, she feels that my income has increased dramatically, so I should pay her more. Even though I already pay almost double regular support and pay for all the other aformentioned things for my boys. She is just angry about everything in her life, and blames me for everything. She appears angry because I am getting my life together again, and hers is falling apart.

I guess my question and input is, how do you feel about a spouse (me) that works extra in order to provide 'extra' for his boys and himself, and then she wants a 'piece of the action.' as well? She had done nothing in an effort to increase her income at all. She just says that she can't. I know that she did nothing at all, because one of her friends in a similar circumstance was a tutor to help out her situation. But she simply says that she can't. I told her that if it was because she takes care of the boys after school for me on my two days a week for about 3 hours, (That is another reason I am so willing to pay more) that I could easially put them in an afterschool program where they do there homework and are interacted with rather than left to run amok.

Just wondering???

<small>[ January 24, 2003, 11:49 AM: Message edited by: Formerly Confused ]</small>

FC,
I hope you have proof of that extra money you give her, because she sounds like she might come after more. Of course, then you'd just quit moonlighting, and that would only hurt the boys.

We all need to: PUT THE CHILDREN FIRST. It's not about us anymore, it's about all of these wonderful children in our lives.

SadDad, LostHusband, and Formerly Confused,

I want to commend all three of you for doing the best you can for your children. There are so many fathers that do not step up to the plate. My FMM also pays support and goes above and beyond. I would have it no other way. When I shop I shop for his 2 kids as well and wouldn't dream of trying to deduct it from the support he pays.

I live in Georgia. We have a percentage system that is supposed to, but usually does not take into account the mother's income. For my D I receive 24% of her father's income. I have had to fight tooth and nail for it. However, he keeps her none of the time and buys her NOTHING. I also receive CS for my 2 boys. I have kept the same amount since 1990. I get $685 a month for them. His income has dramatically increased over the years - yet I feel I get enough and have never pursued an increase. I have let my younger son (13) live w/ him for the last year. We agreed I would not pay CS. However, I still carry his ins and buy the majority of his clothes etc.

I am not a mother who spends the CS on herself. My kids are involved in numerous activities, dress well, and are taken very good care of. All 3 also have a bank account I set up w/ part of their CS.

My D's father had the nerve to request an accounting of my expenses - he only pays $96.53 a week. The judge told him he was crazy. He also had the balls to ask for a percentage of her earnings as she models on occassion and had just done an ad for the wishbook catalogue. He based his arguement that he had provided 1/2 of her genes so he should receive 1/2 of all proceeds from modeling jobs. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

I feel in cases where custody is shared 50/50 that no CS should be paid. I believe each parent should pay 1/2 of ins as well as any child care or activity fees. Keep in mind this is only in the rare instances where both parents claim their time.

There are some women that misuse CS. There are many dads who try to dodge CS. These are sad facts of life.

However, you 3 sound like great fathers. Good luck to you in the future. SadDad, please post when your CS is resolved I am interested in knowing the outcome. tew

tewjtm,

Thank you for the kind words. I have always and will always make sure my daughter is provided for. She is the most important thing in my life and that's why I fought so hard to have as much time with her as possible. Yes, I have her half the time which is great, but to go from seeing her everday to half as much is a huge adjustment. I used to pick her up from day care everyday and we had an hour or so "our time" before my W go home from work. I loved that time.

Anyway, with 50/50 shared custody, not only am I equally involved in any decisions in her life, but I want to be equally involved with all the responsibilities that go along with that, buying her clothes, school supplies, taking her to the dr., signing her up for soccer or summer camp, etc. I get the sentiment here that it's assumed those responsibilities will fall on my W's shoulders. That may be the norm, but that wouldn't be fair to my W and is certainly not the way I want it.

I hope to get married again someday, and God willing have more children. I want to be able to provide for those children in the same manner that I've provided for my daughter. Having a huge CS payment that is not equitable may hamper that.

I'm anticipating that reaching a CS agreement will be a battle (the stories here have me quite spooked), but maybe I'm jumping the gun. Hopefully my W and I can reach an agreement that ensures our daughter's needs are provided for, yet is financially equitable and allows us both to continue to be equally responsible for meeting those needs. I'll keep you all updated.
Thanks.

sad dad

<small>[ January 25, 2003, 08:36 AM: Message edited by: sad dad ]</small>

As with Sad Dad, thank you for the kind words. I too want only what is best for my boys. Hence not fighting to pay what the law states, but trying beyond measure to provide for them in all ways as I have always done. She makes her choices about clothes rather than haircut. vacation rather than fixing the toilet, then says that I am making more so I should pay for those things "because they affect our boys." Well, I agree on some part, because the money is a pitance compared to what I want to give to my children. However, with each 'bail out' that I make, it only allows her to continue making the choices to do things for herself rather than for our children. It is so frustrating to see and deal with. I loved that woman more than anyone deserves to be loved. I gave and changed in every way possible. I don't NOT do it still out of vengence, it is just that I finally, after so very, very, long no longer care for her. I don't like her, I don't dislike her. She is the mother of my children, that is all. She was once the light of my existence. Part of the reason that I did everything that I could do with my ample abilities and desire. But she spurned that love so many times, and chose so many others over me and our boys, that I finally no longer care.

Sometimes, I think that the best thing would be to just pay more, then maybe she would just leave me alone. But I realize, that it isn't the money at all. She wouldn't be happy with $10k a month. It is her ubiquitous 'unhappiness' that makes her do the things she does. And since I am the safest and easiest target, I get the blame for everything still.

Sometimes I think that I should just pay the $70 or 80K and completely wipe all her responsibilities off the face of the earth. Then she couldn't even remotely blame me for her position. But I realize that once again, it would be me being 'responsible' for how she felt, and also that finances is just a convenient outlet for her frustrations. If she can feel that she is getting screwed by this 'rich doctor' then she can feel better about her actions which led up to our divorce. She can feel justified in leaving someone that 'Would do this to a poor, helpless, hardworking teacher and mother of two.' I hate to give her this power, I wish that I could just take every bit of justification from her, in any shape and fashion. However I realize that it would just change to something else. I think she is miserable. I think she is remorsful, but too proud to just say so. I think that she wishes that this all hadn't happened, however, she never has stated such.

But she just doesn't understand that each and everything she does continually barages me with things that cause me to WANT to help her less and less. I feel that she is exactly like her mother, which she absolutely hates. She can see so much bad in her mother, but her exact actions in herself, are just fine.

I want to pay. I really do. I try to pay, but I am getting to the point that the lack of regard for the extra that I do pay is causing me to just not want to do it any longer. I don't want her to bow down to me, just quit acting like I am a deadbeat. My son asked me about 4 months ago, 'What is a Deadbeat Doc?' He said he had read it on a notebook of his mothers. I said I don't know, but I looked it up on the web, and it is a website for mothers who are getting screwed by their ex husband doctors. I wish that she would really say what I am doing on it, I don't know whether she posts there or not. I just saw what it was and left, never returning. But I know that this is how she WANTS to see me. It would allow her actions and decisions to be so much more justified.

<small>[ January 27, 2003, 10:48 AM: Message edited by: Formerly Confused ]</small>

fc,

I feel so bad for your situation. It's one I'm hoping to avoid. My W has yet to see the financial realities of getting divorced because she's been able to stay in our house, enjoy the comfort of familiar surroundings, while having me pay half the bills. She'll be moving to her own place within a month and be completely on her own for the first time ever. I'll be back in our house. I'm not sure she realizes how tough it will be financially or to take care of a household on your own. I worry that when she struggles she will turn to me, and I will not be able to be there for her, at least not now. She depended on me for so much, still does, but those days will soon be over. That will make her angry and she'll direct that anger at me. God, I hope I'm wrong.

sad dad

Wow, I feel for you guys. It is hard. There are many deadbeat dads and runaway dads, but we forget that there are also women that make bad choices and take advantage of their situation.
They can be very manipulative, feel entitled, and they wield guilt as a weapon. Often the father feels like if he doesn't give into their demands he will penalize his children.

Sad dad, I think it's good that you are staying in the house for now. Having mommy leave will be a big transition for your daughter. But, in a year or so, when your D has adjusted, keep the option of moving to a cheaper residence in the same school district in mind (if that would be possible). Struggling to pay for a house that is too much for you can really be a burden. But I think that you are right to maintain the house for now during this difficult transition point.

espoir,

That's exactly my plan. Once the dust has settled, I'll re-evaluate my life, see how my daughter adjusts and make the best decision for both of us. Right now, keeping her in her home is the best thing regardless of the financial constraints. Thanks.

sad dad