I'm in my second marriage and i have 2 kids from the first wife, 15+ 16, and I have an 8 yr old girl with wife #2, I'm a stable guy , i dont drink or smoke, and I have nothing but respect for women, I treat them like queens, and for some reason they walk all over me, I seem to have married women with trust issues, and both are selfish and controlling,i'm a person who hates confrontation, and i try to please everyone,wife #2 has a son with mental issues, and i've found that she has many issues too,I'm having trouble living with all the hell and confusion their issues are causing me, I got custody of my son last year, and he is ADHD, a real hand full,SHE is totally childish in her dealings with my sick son, she is making both our lives a living hell with no reguard for our feelings, all that matters is SHE"S pissed off because my son is causing her to work harder and having him is causing financial stress as well, SHE disagrees with my easy going parenting ways and wants me to rule my sons life with an IRON fist,she wants consequnces for EVERYTHING he does she dont like, I feel i address all issues FAIRLy and firmly, but i dont go overboard. I've been unhappy with her and all her "issues" for years, I TRY to maintain the " good husband" and "good dad" face, but I feel my self slipping, counseling for her, us and FAMILY has not helped, EVERYONE in our house is " grinding an AX" about something and the stress is unbareable, I feel the only way to stop the maddness is for me to bail out, i feel so bad for my little girl, i cant even bare the thought of her going through all this, because her mom is so "OFF" I've spent a great deal of time with her and we are very close, she needs me, thats why i'm still there, I so wish i had a more "normal" life, I know everyone does not live like this. My last divorce and all its-her "issues" lasted 13 years,and i'm afraid If I leave wife #2 will be the same way, i just cant do that again,but what the hell else are my options? I hate my life anymore, and i'm starting to resent all the people making my life the hell its become. I live with 3 people with mental "issues" and their all killing me slowly, i just dont know how to resolve it all, none of them can get along for more than a day and NO ONES willing to "give", and I'm STUCK in the middle. i'm so disappointed with it all I just want to cry. ANY decision i make causes ONE of my kids severe pain.how do i solve this, any suggestions??

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> how do i solve this, any suggestions??
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">This is not the right place for you. . . you need to seek individual counseling for yourself. someone that can first understand your situation and help you work through all "your" issues.

As far as being attracted to similar people, that question can be explored with an individual counselor. . .

best of luck
wiftty

Hi Fortyone,

Welcome to MB. You have come to the right place. There's a lot of great people on here who can help you with becoming a better person.

You may not like my advice, but here goes.

First it seems like if the going gets tough, you just want to run. Life is not that easy for any of us.

Also, I think you need to relook at what you consider treating women like queens. Maybe your idea of treating them like a queen is not the same as your wife's idea.

You talk about your wives having mental problems, but I have to say, your passive attitude about no confrontations and trying to please everyone is not healthy either.

I have a friend who's husband is laid back and passive. She is just the opposite. They clash often. The more disciplined she gets with the kids, the more he gets "laid back", or a better word would be "non involved."

Sometimes it is harder work as a parent to be involved and provide needed discipline, than to just sit back and ignore the problems.

Your wife may think you are putting the weight all on her, and you are not taking your percentage of the load.

As for my friends...they both think they have to make-up for the other's lack of discipline, or too much discipline when it comes to parenting. When both personalities could complement each other if all they would do is compromise a little instead.

Your wife probably thinks you and your child is upsetting her household and make her and the other children's lives just as miserable as you think she is making you and your son's life miserable.

Start communicating with her. Confrontations about your problems is a good thing, it is work, but work is what it takes in any marraige. Start compromising with her.

I may be off base, so tell me if I am, but I have the feeling she wants you to do more disciplining with your child and you want her to lay off him.

As for me, I don't care if there's ADHD or not, there are rules to follow, so hopefully you are not making excuses for your child.

Are you helping her with discipline, or are you just staying away from the whole "confrontation"?

I am not saying your wife and your ex doesn't have mental problems. They may have. I am saying you can't control how you want someone else to act, you can only change yourself for the better. That is what most of MB is about.

I think it's time you took a look at who you are, and start with making your own changes.

Also, I may have made some correct observations and some incorrect observations, I only know the little I have read on your post, so don't let my lack of knowledge in this situation sway your judgement on whether you need to change, everyone needs to better themselves.

ANNA

<small>[ March 03, 2003, 07:06 PM: Message edited by: Anna2000 ]</small>

whoopsie. double posted. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

<small>[ March 03, 2003, 07:06 PM: Message edited by: Anna2000 ]</small>

Hi Fortyone, just want to say I know where you're at and hang in there. No polished psyco-babble here. Sorry about the posts you've endured so far - sheesh, who could read your story and come back to say that you need to examine your own self. Man it's a tough crowd in here! Why do people assume the worst about you with nothing to go on? And of course if you get a post from the opposite sex, then (forgive me ladies) it's gonna be skewed to the effect that maybe you're the one who must not be doing a very good job. Human nature. There is NOTHING in your story to indicate that. To be fair - my being a guy will skewed the other direction. You just gotta take ANY reply with a grain of salt. Do you have any hobbies? I'm not saying to totally go into a cave but you've gotta have something that brings a little joy into your life. Enhance that if you can, without people accusing you of being selfish! Also, Jesus saves dude, so don't be afraid to discuss things with Him. Gotta go man, I feel the heat of some earthly flames coming!

Anna 2000, thanks for replying,You raise some valid points, but I have to say your a bit off base with this situation,My ADHD son is quite a hand full, his mother sent him to me because she got burned out dealing with him, she is demanding and uncompromising,and he has her stubborn streak, i guess she has trouble dealing with her own personality flaw, i found that funny,even in a bad situation i do look for a bright side, cant say that for my 2 women though!! anyway, my son pushes EVERY rule to the limit and twists things to suit his needs, Funny, my 2 wives do the same thing, i wonder why i'm having trouble breaking him of it, you can only disipline and beat the kid so much, dont get nervous, he's never abused,but he does get an old fashoned swat when its needed, thats getting hard now since he's bigger than me, but i cant back down or its over,My son TRIES to keep the house in a constant state of upheval, but I do my best to back him off, he has rules and chores and I want them done, he's a normal teen and it takes effort on my part to make it all happen, the problem BOTh the wives havi is their ATTITUDE sucks when they deal with him, and he knows it, so he naturally rebells,whats really funny is wife #1 HAD a step mom who did the same thing, and she acts just like her step mom, SHe didnt like it, WHY should our son?? BOTH the wives GO FOO screaming at the kid INSTEAD of turning on and seeking alternative ways to controll his actions, when your old ways dont net results after repeated FRUSTRATING attempts WHY keep going that way? You dont BEAT UOUR HEAD against walls do you?? THEN WHY do they keep repeating their OLD attempts to controll an ADHD kid? He's gotten SO GOOD at playing their mood swings he uses their frustration to his advantage, I find it funny and also disterbing, I stop the whole game whenever i see it, but I'm not always around, I WORK, so a lot goes on i dont see.Whats REALLY funny is wife #2 is an ELDER at church, and she RUNS the sunday school, and she cant get along with difficult kids, i've seen several kids drop out because she dont deal well with them,I've suggested several times she drop out of the sunday school program, but she refuses . i've come to the conclusion both my wives THRIVE on controversy and upheval,and i think they seek it out when life becomes boring,they both lived in very unstable homes as kids,and i dont think they know how to live any other way,I camr from a divorced home, but other than that life was normal.I've made several attempts to tell my current wife her moods and her overbareing approach to parenting are driving me out, but she dont seem to hear me,Ialways womdered WHy her mom asked me several times " do you really KNOW what your getting involved in?" when we met, NOW i know!!! Sadly, she died several years ago, so I cant ask her to tell me what she meant.

To Guy45, thanks for the reply, I notice any time I post about my 2 wives and their short comings, I always get the man bashers who think I think i'm perfect, I know I'm not, WHAT I AM is CALM and STABLE, I respect women and i treat them right, I dont say thinks in anger to hurt THEIR feelings, but i notice when their pissed the FIRST thing they do is RUN their mouths, and say as many hurtfull things as possible,funny things is, once you SAY it, you cant take it back, I TRY to NEVER say things I KNOW will be hurtfull forever, even if i think it, but they let it all FLY and expect to have these WONDERFULL, loving relationships, I dont get it. In my opinion some things should NEVER be said, no matter HOW MAD you get, MY WIFE is 75 lbs over weight, you dont know how many times i want to call her a fat SLOB, I THINK it, but have NEVER said it,i'm NOT like that.I'm SO SICK of dealing with CHILDISH, bitter women i cant stand it. I PAY child support THROUGH the nose now, and IF I leave this doomed relationship where i'm mentally torn down all the time the state will hammer me again,I'm really SCREWED,I TRY to make it work but SHE refuses to back down and let some things take their corse, I just dont get it. you asked about my hobbies, I build custom cars, I'm TRYING to open a custom car business, I always have a project in my garage, and I build cars to get away from all the mental abuse my family provides for me.I have people LINED UP wanting me to work on custom stuff for them, and I TRIED to show BOTH my wives that I could be very successfull at it, but they both have so many issues they refuse to support my efforts to be successfull, and thats hurt me deeply, this is not some hair-brained scheme,I'm 41 and i've been in the car business all my life, I KNOW the business, but they cand drop all their "issues' long enough to support me in this effort. like I said, i'm really SCREWED and i'm disappointed with life right now, I feel i'm a good dad to my kids, and they need a stable figure in their lives, and here i sit,I EAT all the STRESS BOTH wives apply to keep my kids growing in mind and body, and I encourage them to be honest and stable, and work hard to be happy, they ask questions other kids dont even think about because they see so much CRAP going on with the women and me, I encourage them to love their moms in spite of their short-comings, BUT, I tell them when I see problems with their moms behavior patterns. i'm confident they understand whats going on. It just gets so hard to hold the mess all together sometimes.

ok, will skip the therapy lingo you probably know the drill well (from the sound of you)...gonna go with you are "blessed" with 2 nutcase women...BUT even so, you choose to remain where you are, so own that...if you can't survive (so to speak) then take action. Divorce and pay the child support, but don't assume you can't have custody of your daughter, or even if not that a few years down the road she may prefer to live with you. Another solution might be to seperate, at least then you have your own space, your son is removed from the conflict with step-mom, your daughter can get away from mom too (depending on how custody goes, but I would try to leave it just undetermined and have your daughter at your place alot. Finances might be tough, but if you want to do the car thing, then do it, and the extra money could make it all work. But DO something proactive.

To lurking about, I've made some tenative plans in the PROactive department,i'm TRYING to wait this out untill my two older kids graduate HS,my son would be emancipated because he is not college material,this leaves my daughter who IS college material and is already planning a college career, This will cost big money, and her mom has saved NOTHING for it, I managed to open an account for her last year, and i put cash in monthly, my daughter got a job at 15 and has already matched my contribution, I'm very proud of her,OF CORSE my Ex wife will EXPECT full child support as the state demands, ALONG with ME paying HALF of college,This state expects DADS to live in cardboard boxes so they can pay support AND half of college, no pressure there, huh? My beef with this is, the state says I PAY SUPPORT while the kids LIVES at college, thats so MOM can afford the extra living space. WHAT EXTRA living space?? She would pay the same rent if she didnt have the kid, its a SHALLO argument to keep the checks flowing to MOM.I OFFERED to allow my daughter to live with Me while attending college, {where ever that is by then}, I told my daughter I would pay HALF her college AND give her the cash MOM gets now in support if she would switch her residential parent status to me,IF her mom was living right and NOT pissing away money all the time I would have never said anything, BUT WHY should my daughter struggle to fund college while her MOm spends MY SUPPORT on her trendy ways? HER MOM needs to learn to live on what she makes WITHOUT support, but she will spend spend spend untill the LAST C/S checks roll in THEN PANIC. Thats one of the reasons I LIKE the 50/50 custody thing, it makes EVERYONE toe the line and PAY their fair share. MY WIVES THINK i'm a doormat and they can just WIPE their feet on me at will, WELL, their WRONG, as most do THEY TOO take my quiet, easy going nature the wrong way and THINK I'll just TAKE all their crap and get happy about it,I HAVE things well thought out for when I make my break, I"m just trying to WAIT untill the older kids are grown. UNTILL D-DAY i'LL TRY to be good old dad who walks on egg shells and patchs everything up and attempts to keep all the "LUNIES ON THE PATH". I've found that for me to be the BIGGER, MATURE person I have to BACK DOWN and allow the CHILDISH MOMS have their way with everything or NO ONE will have peace. I'm allowing them to win all the battles, i plan on a SWEEP with the war. D-DAY is coming... i hope my health holds out till then...

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by fortyone:
<strong>To Guy45, thanks for the reply, I notice any time I post about my 2 wives and their short comings, I always get the man bashers who think I think i'm perfect, I know I'm not, WHAT I AM is CALM and STABLE, I respect women and i treat them right, I dont say thinks in anger to hurt THEIR feelings, but i notice when their pissed the FIRST thing they do is RUN their mouths, and say as many hurtfull things as possible,funny things is, once you SAY it, you cant take it back, I TRY to NEVER say things I KNOW will be hurtfull forever, even if i think it, but they let it all FLY and expect to have these WONDERFULL, loving relationships, I dont get it. In my opinion some things should NEVER be said, no matter HOW MAD you get, MY WIFE is 75 lbs over weight, you dont know how many times i want to call her a fat SLOB, I THINK it, but have NEVER said it,i'm NOT like that.I'm SO SICK of dealing with CHILDISH, bitter women i cant stand it. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I'd say you have all the answers and don't need my help; you know when, where and how you are gonna leave and you must sacrifice and torture yourself for a few years by living with your "fat slob, nut" of a wife. I'd say she's a pretty lucky gal to have you!

At the risk of not "running my mouth" or "male bashing", after all I am ALL woman, and since you don't seem to want to work on your marriage any more, I am sure my time will be much needed else where, so I will end by wishing you luck in the future and by saying, I hope there isn't another woman you have your eye on that is behind all this unhappiness...Most of the time there is and it just magnifies any faults your wife may have.

ANNA

Wow Fortyone, what you said about the wives spouting off their mouths, saying things that shouldn't be said while you hold back, is giving me goosebumps because it's so dead-on to what my wife does. We can have the smallest squabble and she goes from being slightly irritated to Ka-bam with her mouth, saying things she knows just stabs me in the heart. Meanwhile like you, I have to keep my mount shut about her obesity - I have a perfect track record there for 21 years (okay like 15 years, she was small for a while). Meanwhile she lives to follow me around the house running down a laundry list of things she doesn't like about me and talking about ending the relationship at every turn. She's at the point now where she almost starts out with that, and back fills the rest of the tirade with insults. Meanwhile if I point out her problem with a short fuse and being unapproachable to talk to, she says it's all the other way around. Let me see, out of 21 years the percentage of arguments we've had that were initiated by her has been...well 100 percent. Also her method of dealing with our ADHD son is to call him up on every single thing that she can think of instead of choosing battles. Also I can relate to your custom car thing (cool hobby btw I like 'em myself) and not being taken serious with that - for me it is music and guitar playing. I had a goal that I wanted to achieve and eventually did, no thanks as all to her negative attitude and lack of emotional support. Heck I'd be in trouble every time I picked the thing up to the point where I'm conditioned to feel bad trying to do one of the only things in life that brings me joy. So add all that up and I know where you at -well to a degree because you have two wives and more children. I know what you mean about D-day too; I think about that too. That should be a sweet time. Call me and we'll have some beers together!

To Anna, You paint me as a real jerk for having a plan, I guess i'm supposed to be mentally abused all my life by a woman who was told by a marriage counseler she needs more MENTAL help than he can offer her? {she says she dont have TIME for all that}, guess that means we all should suffer her wrath and get happy about it? I have friends from my high school days that are happily married women, and they are NORMAL, both would never even consider a relationship with me, BUT, they both say i'm a nice guy and I dont deserve the treatment i'm getting, WHY would they say that if it was not true?? When i married both times I was madly in love with these women, but they both went off the deep end after we married, the temper, the mood swings, the DEMANDING tones, the accusations of cheating, GIVE ME A BREAK, after i married I never even CONSIDERED cheating, being ACCUSED of it just blows me away!! So, how long do I BEG a mentally unstable person to seek help? All my life? I know GOD too, and i cant believe he put me here to be unhappy, I'm NOT buying that..I;m married almost 13 years to # 2, I'm NOT a wandering DOG looking for my next *****,so dont even go there. I dont have anyone "waiting in the wings", but I can honestly say I wish i did, it would make my decision much easier. I've done a lot of self pondering, wondering HOW i ended up with these unstable women, I now know I'n TOO NICE, i "overlook" major personality flaws, and miss important signals, or i ignore them, bad call on my part, BOTH my wives didnt like my hobbies, I was into auto racing and show cars, I raced dirt stock cars , and I worked full time as an auto repairman, I'm good at what i do and I have guys begging me to do their work, both HATED the fact that I was in demand, I made good money and we never wanted for anything. I had potential to be successfull at my trade, and BOTH women DOWNED my abilities to the point i lost sight of what I WANTED in life, I feel they did NOTHING to help me get where I wanted to be, BOTH SAID they wanted this for me, when It came time to PRODUCE that help and support, they made EXCUSES and argued AGAINST me.For better or for worse ment "you better FORGET being successfull because i'm make life WORSE than it is all ready for you. I still love and respect these SICK women in spite of all they have done to me, but i refuse to be a door mat, so they get what they get, let me add a side note, my first wife was a KNOCK OUT, in spite of her great looks, 3 men have been within INCHES of marrying her and bailed OUT after she started pulling her crap on them. To me that alone speaks for its self, 3 other guys cant be wrong. SO, ANNA, think you can muster ONE MORE reply??

To GUY 45, I guess i made my "plan" sound too easy for Anna, women have all the laws protecting them, the 75 yr old judges alway see women as VICTOMS when families break up, I would love for a judge to see how "the victom" starts using four letter words like a drunken truck driver and throwing stuff in one of her temper fits,They would'nt be so fast to toss guys from their home and award "temporary" custody of the kids to these nut cases, the women always wear their grim, tearry eyed faces with their puppy dog eyes and paint us as monsters, and the judges take the bait every time, I cant wait for the day when my county gets a judge who went through this and got screwed by one of these dinasar judges , I can see him seeing right through all this and putting things right . sadly, it will not happen that way for me. I'll be 46 when i have to leave, and i'll lose everything to her.What i dont lose ill OWE some scum bag lawyer. I hope ANNA sees that life has to be pretty rough for me to want to lose EVERYTHING to get away from the mental hell I'm in now.

I had written a long response to you two days ago, but luckily, it didn't get posted.
I think you need to see a counselor to see how your actions have contributed to the deterioration of your marriages. Reread your posts to see how you come across. We all have much work to do on ourselves, but it can only begin when we are ready.
You have vented in other posts about the "system", perhaps you should look at your own actions.
Good Luck in your recovery.

NEWLY, EXPLAIN what you see in "my actions"?? Do i sould a little BITTER? i wonder why? My first wife got to stay home with the kids, I WORKED 2 jobs to allow her to stay home with the kids, i dont smoke, dont drink, and i dont hang in bars,SHe GOT "BORED" with all the stay home mom stuff and started hanging with all the rest of the "cheating" stay home moms in town at the bar, I TRUSTED her to go out with the girls and get away from the kids,and she VOILATED my trust and had an affair.trust me, she was a mental challenge, always complaining, spending money we didnt have, she wanted a pool we could'nt afford, against my better judgement i let her second mortgage my home to get it,a year later she wants a divorce, and guess who got to pay ALL the bills, car payment AND pool payments, AND rent an apartment? ME. Her BOYFRIEND lived in MY HOUSE RENT FREE for 18 mos. I finally had to STOP paying all my bills and allow the house to almost be foreclosed to get her out and motivated to move on, THEN I paid HER 5K to buy her out,I still live in this house.I DATED her 5 years and was married to her 4 years. ENTER wife # 2, she seemed STABLE, and shy,and she was in the middle of a divorce, and she had a young son,she could not afford a place to live, and after we dated 6 mos she moved into my home.She seemed like a great person, THEn we married, ENTER the WITCH,AFTER we marry SHE suddenly has a problem with my visitation schedule, {every other week and wednesdays} My son was ADHD and was not yet diagnosed,she OPENLY labels my visit times HE!L WEEKEND, and cops an attitude all weekend.In spite of her I press on and TRY to patch it all up and put on the good face. MY PARENTS, and friends, and EVEN HER brother privately confront me about her ATTITUDE with my kids.I SAY I UNDERSTAND her frustration with the weekends, and i tried EVERYTHING, INCLUDING physical disapline with the kids to make her see I want her happy with things, but NOTHING pleases her, guess i was supposed to STOP seeing my kids? SHE KNEW my kids GOING IN, and spent SEVERAL weekends with them, so WHY did her ATTITUDE change toward them? DO you see ANYTHING WRONG here? HER MOM gets sick, a terminal illness, WE allow her mom to spend her last days in the house and DIE there, I TOTALLY understood, and had no problem with it, SHE mentally CHECKED OUT during the whole process, HER MOM was fine mentally with her fate and was TRYING to live normally, my wife was making the dying womans last days MISERABLE telling her all the stuff the DR said she cant do, WHY, she was DYING, what did it matter? my wife was MAD because her mom would not allow her to dictate how she spent her last days alive on this earth.I could not believe it, IF she cant CONTROLL situations she gets an attitude about it, THATS not right,YA THINK? then you mention MY RECOVERY,like I"M goofy,I think I'll be better when BIG BROTHER stops telling me HOW to raise my kids, spend my money, and WOMEN STOP using me as a door mat, I want to QUIT my job and open a business, I CANT, because BIG BROTHER will LOCK ME UP if CHILD SUPPORT falls behind, of corse that AFTER they REVOKE my drivers license and my BUSINESS license and make it so I cant DRIVE OR TRY to make my business a success.TRUST ME, mentally im MAD, but I'm FINE otherwise. TIME will make all my problems ease up,trouble is i'll be OLD and not able to do what i wanted to do.BITTER, ME?......

forty one

READ MY POST -

you are frustrated, rightly so, and looking for sympathy. . .

YOU NEED TO SEE A COUNSELOR

you need to take responsibility for your life and your actions.

wiftty

<small>[ March 06, 2003, 03:32 PM: Message edited by: WhenIfindthetime ]</small>

It appears to me that you have assumed the VICTIM role in your relationships.
I'm sure you believe everyone else keeps you down, and you can't get ahead.
You scare me, and I will no longer be responding to you. Seek help immediately.
Have you read any books on Verbal or Emotional Abuse (EA)? I can only imagine how your wives must have felt in your relationships.
Have you read any of the information on this site? The "required reading" before you post. I have learned a great deal here, although my M couldn't be salvaged due to EA, FOO and ACOA issues which my H is only now exploring.
God bless your family.

NEWLY, i read THE WHOLE SITE, SEVERAL times,interesting concepts, i've been TRYING them, they only work IF your spouse is willing to work WITH YOU,sadly she has some sort of mental issue going on and sadly the good DR who wrote this concept cant help that. Your good, you have me TOTALLY convinced I'M THE NUT CASE here, THANKS, I WILL BE SEEKING some mental help, FUNNY how the marriage counseler who WAS seeing us told me I've gone ABOVE AND BEYOND to help solve my marital issues,many of my thoughts here are my PRIVATE thoughts, i NEVER said ANY hatefull stuff to my wife, and i had NO INTENTION of EVER doing so, I'm losing RESPECT for her for all she's putting me through, and since I'M HUMAN i'm getting a little resentfull of her crap.my marriage counseler states he sees DEFINATE signs of mental issues with her, I POINT BLANK asked him if I seemed OK to him, his reply, " your dealing with an UNREASONABLE,UNFORGIVING person" He also stated he normally DOES NOT state such opinions, BUT, HE SEES I'm dying here, he wants me to stay focused so my kids dont suffer, they NEED ONE STABLE person in the house. I rest my case.

f1,

I am a little confused as to why you want me to continue posting to you. You don't want to work on your marriage, you don't want to work on yourself...Try not to take this the wrong way but are you looking for us to say.... It's okay for you to divorce? Are you wanting someone to say don't wait for divorce, divorce now? Do you need approval? or are you just wanting someone to say, "Poor baby, you are living in hell, you are a man to look up too?"

I just don't really know what you are looking for.

I do know this, I refuse to tell you it's okay to split up a family. I won't say poor baby, continue to wallow in self pity either.

As I read your post, I think about my experience with with Al-anon years ago. I wanted them to fix my alcoholic husband, and maybe I was also looking for pity as well. Immediately I was told they can't give me answers on how to fix him, only how to fix myself. You see, I had let his chaos become my chaos as well. Al-anon was about admitting we needed help with our dysfunctional lives. It's been forever since I have been to a meeting and I wish I could quote their words, but I can't.

So, basically, every time a member starts talking about their spouse and their spouse's faults, you were automatically directed back to yourself, pointing out, we can not change them, what can we do to change us....

One of many things I had to learn I can not control others, I can only control myself and how I react.

I am not just talking about reactions on the outside, I am also talking about inner-peace, how you react on the inside.

Don't take this wrong though. It's not withdrawing from that other person at all. It's just not being drawn into the fight. Not being drawn in to the ugliness, bitterness and the chaos.

You learn in al-anon to make yourself happy, that no one else can do this for you, you have to.

Well, I can go on and on about the things I learned, and I think everyone should attend al-alon, it's the best free help I ever got, but here are some things I think you should consider for now.

First, consider the 10 steps of al-anon, I think they could help, especially the first one. I replaced the word alcohol with our spouses.

1. "We admitted we were powerless over our spouses actions-- that our lives had become unmanageable."

You can find the other steps on their website if you are interested.

Now some things I would recommend you do.

1. Stop talking about how badly your other wives are for now. Stop trying to convince us they are nuts. You can not change that right now. So concentrate on what you can change.

2. Start asking yourself "How can I make my life better where it's not so hopeless for me?" and I am not talking about divorce at this point. I am talking about finding "me time". Finding ways of compromising where you can do some of those things you love to do.

3. Find ways to take some stress off your wife right now by spending time with your children outside of the home. Take them places on the weekend or when ever possible and tell her she can have some "me time". (this will help with her stress which will in the long run help somewhat to alleviate the fighting)

4. Work on your written communication skills. Whether you use them with her or not. It is very easy to work on this at MB. Some suggestions would be, "you capitilize certain words to emphasize them." I'd stop doing that as often as you do.

Also, even if you don't tell people these thoughts in public, learn other ways to communicate on here, and rethink your position other than using phrases like, "women run their mouths". Both men and women alike say hurtful things, and even if they don't say it out loud, often people know by their looks or actions how they really feel.

If you say "women run their mouths" you are stereotyping and you are gonna make a lot women mad right off the bat.

If a woman post to you and you don't like what they say this does not mean they are a "male basher", heck, I bet I've bashed males and women equally. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

If a man bashes me on here, I don't think "Oh they just said that because they are bitter towards women, they are women haters." I usually think, "Wow, do I come across as....whatever it is they think." or "Wow, I must really rub that person the wrong way." I often try hard to re-adjust my communication skills afterwards, but I admit, I still fail often.

Even though I didn't say it, I thought about my approach with you on my first post. I thought of ways I could have made my point with a little more softness. Althought it's hard typing, you never have your voice to go with it. Tones are not there and often misinterpreted.

5. Work on your verbal communication skills with your wife. Whether a counselor says you are fine or not, does not mean their is room for improvement, there always is.

You may be sending negative signals to your wife that you don't even realize, or you may be saying things you don't think is hurtful at all, but she may be taking it that way.

6. Work on the blaming. You had control over your life, you had choices and you made this choices. You need to live with your actions and those choices. You are a grown person just like me.

My life is full of struggles right now and my dreams were shattered by my ex's actions. However, I can not blame him for this, mainly because I made myself a victim by staying with some one like that.

I know my life could be better if he would have been a good husband and financially I wouldn't be struggling so much, and trust me I am...I can't blame him for that either. I just think, he owes me nothing, it's up to me to make my life better, and I am trying hard to do that, for me and for my children.

Lastly, remember, if you are gonna stay in this marriage, you may not be able to make "heaven" in a hell situation but at least you can make hell a little more peaceful and easier to live with. Worrying, wallowing in self-pity, blaming....none of those are going to help your situation, those things will only make you more down.

Well, I tried posting one more time....the ball is now in your court... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

ANNA

P.S.

I am sure there is a ton of errors in here, but it's late and I am too tired to edit. So, just kind of overlook those please. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Forty one.

Not all judges see it from the womans point of view.. when we went to court, I got everything except custudy of my son and got joint on that. She gets child support and thats it. she has to pay half of all credit cars that we had and half the property tax that was due when she left.
Sometimes the judges do listen to what is said and somtimes go with the man... She walked out one morning going to church, kissed me said she loved me. Only to call me at 3 in the afternoon telling me she was leaving me. Talk about a blow.

WEll when we were in the court room and the judge said how it was gonna be , she started to cry. He said " MRS. Just shut up and suck it up, you walked out on this man, this is the way it's gonna be deal with it".
It took everything I had to keep from smiling that day and laughing out loud in the court room. My mom shouted out " praise jesus" and the whole court room started to laugh. I know it had to make her feel like a fool, just like she made me feel when she left.