I am saddened and stressed out even further. As if trauma from yesterday wasn't enough, stbx has informed me via IM that he will only be paying us 500 on saturday (deadline day) instead of 2100.

Court ruled. He is in violation. He is deliberately violating the order and doesn't care ifhe is in contempt. Doesn't care.

I am so scared and sick of all this stress. What is it going to take? Do they have to come and lock him up? He thinks I am living beyond my means, btw...I am good to get 80% of the bills paid. He is killing me financially now. He doesn't seem to care what he has done or the reckless behavior he is engaging in.

Maybe he is on drugs or something. I emailed attorneys and am more upset than you can imagine.

I replied to his IM with a message. I am not going to hate him. I am too good for that. God forgives me each day and I am instead praying for him as always have. He is hitting rock bottom so fast and has such hatred in his heart that it is amazing. Truly amazing.

PLEASE PRAY FOR THIS SITUATION. PRAY GOD BREAKS HIS SPIRIT. We cannot financially survive without the money. It is clearly shown that he is living la vida loca and doesn't care. Well maybe he has to go to jail now. I don't know.

Peachy,

I'm sorry for this continued financial struggle you and son are experiencing. I can only imagine how hard it is. You have my prayers.

I also need to say this, so please don't take offense. You really need to stop acknowledging his IMs. Any and all contact, with the exception of son stuff, needs to end. It's futile and is only causes more stress. It's counter productive, and I would venture to guess this stress is being felt by your son. So for his sake, let it go .... Plan B Jethro. TRULY!

I have been where you are, a bit different circumstance, but very much the same in terms of on-going contact. I only gained my sanity back by sticking to Plan B.

Let your attorney do her job, Sweetie.

Jo

<small>[ April 03, 2003, 05:30 PM: Message edited by: Resilient ]</small>

Hi Peachy,

I don't reply to you much, I have been following you.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> He thinks I am living beyond my means, </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">This is not his decision to make, so he needs to get off his high horse.

I agree with Resilient, you need to ignore his IM's. He knows he can get to you. Maybe you should tell him that any communication he wants to have with you has to be in written format.

I'm thinking along the terms of
1)a letter from his attorney to you. At that time, you can decide if you want to forward the letter to your attorney. (I don't think he would try to have his attorneys write a letter stating he is not going to pay you what he was court ordered) so he would not go this route.

2) Letter written from him to you. Sent via US mail

3) e-mail (my least favorite means because I don't know how much weight these carry, since anyone can send an e-mail from someones account if they have access to their e-mail), however, communication is communication.

For some reason he thinks he is above the law. He needs to be taught by the legal system that he is not above the law.

I am so sorry that your H is being such a fool.

You're doing a great job at taking care of what is important... your son and you.

And I would like to thank you for posting all of these ups and downs. I believe that I am not too many steps behind you, following the same routine by a WH in such huge denial over his part in the entire situation. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> And because of your sharing on here, I am more able to prepare myself for possible twists and turns along the way. (however, I have at least 2 trials to go through... one being the family court issues, the other being the child porn possession charges where I will be the primary witness).

Let's hope the laws prevail true justice, whatever that means. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />

Karen

Hey, Peachy!

Hon, I have a question for you that I learned in my own life. When you look back on things, do you even see your Not-soon-enough-to-be-ex-husband making threats or saying/doing things just to hurt you, and then not always following through with what he SAID he was going to do??

For example, remember your post about his hateful IM...how he said you were going to pay, and he was going to bring 200 emails to prove you are unstable (yada yada yada)?? And his IM was just vicious and VERY, VERY threatening...remember that?? Well, in real life, in court, he didn't really rip you a new one or tear you to shreds with false "evidence" or anything...he tried a little bit but mostly looked like a selfish "A" right??

Stop and consider this possiblity. Could he be doing and saying the things he does and says just to get a reaction out of you?? Let me tell you what I've observed in my own divorce. My stbxH was very abusive and had 13+ affairs--he was not a very good husband or father (and I'm not being judgemental--just factual). Well, he is a control freak, and he has lost control of me. All he has left now is to try to get a reaction out of me. So he will threaten to take the kids...or say he'll walk into the house when I'm out...or give me threats about not "just disappearing"...or saying that he won't pay any child support until the courts FORCE him...or he's going to fight me every step for custody...blah blah blah. You've heard it all haven't ya??

Finally I figured something out. First, he is not usually REALLY going to follow through on his threads and viciousness--he's just trying to get a rise out of me! He wants me to behave all upset and "out of control" so he can say: "See how off the handle you are??" I'm not sure of all the dynamics and reasons, but for some reason he wants the REACTION.

Soooo...try this Peachy. He says he's only going to pay you $500.00 on Saturday...just respond with, "That is your decision" and DO NOT REACT. When he makes some other threat or does something that cuts through to your soul, just say inside your head "DON'T REACT" (at least not in front of him). Buy some time if you have to...say something like, "Hmmm...I'll have to consider that" or "I hear you saying you're going to kidnap our son...hmmm...that is serious." DON'T REACT!!!! Under all circumstances, stay calm and buy some time if you can't stay calm. If he's out for the reaction, it will DRIVE HIM NUTS if you stay calm and respond maturely.

Second, in my divorce emails and IMs are business only, and as soon as he mentions anything OTHER than scheduling or coordinating something, I just say, "I can't talk now" and CLOSE THE IM AND GET OFF THE INTERNET (appear offline). All you have to do to avoid these hateful IMs is click on the X, Peachy. The minute you think he's starting down a hateful road, just say BYE and click off.

I know how it is to have a child and need to share some parenting time with the ex, so it's actually somewhat impractical to NEVER email or IM...but what he does on IM is nothing short of abusive, so save them. Then stop volunteering to be his victim!! Take a deep breath, protect your heart from his threats, and CLICK IT OFF!! It's easy--it's a lot like hanging up when he starts yelling at you on the phone.

{{{{{{{{{{Peachy}}}}}}}}}} I'm sorry he is not considering the best interests of his child--or even considering the child AT ALL. Like you, my stbxH refuses to contribute to the support and well-being of his own children, and to be honest with you, I can not comprehend how a parent can behave like that toward their own child (shaking head sadly). It is truly sorrowful and pathetic. How can a father deny his own child while simultaneously spending money frivolously for his own selfish desires?? IT IS SAD!!!

Hang in there--be the mama bear and cuddle your cub.

CJ

{{{Peachy}}}

Disengage, disengage, disengage. Block him on IM, he just wants to get you wound up. Mine does the same... I KNOW it, but I still REACT.

Put it this way... if he violates a court order like that after the spanking in court yesterday, he is a bigger fool than he's led us all to believe. If he has one iota of a brain cell left, he'll do what he was supposed to and walk away. And yes, I know that was a disrepectful remark. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Have a cup of tea and do something soothing for yourself. Let this come to its own end, he is either going to pay you the whole amount or not, if not, he will have the consequences. If you got an order, the state will enforce it!

Lori

{{{{{{{peachy}}}}}}}}}

You've gotten some very good advice. Just keep taking care of yourself.

Leslie

This is a very common tactic... you string someone along until they run into dire financial straits. You're only struggling right now. He's hoping that he can take you to the brink and then pressure you into signing a lesser settlement out of desperation.

I came " " close to doing this to my x. But, fortunately things worked out. Regardless of contempt, if he can "force" you to sign something out of desperation, that would overturn any court orders.

Your only recourse is to get with your attorney and counter this. If you can, borrow money from family... and REFUSE to cash what he sends. Say you never got the $2,100 he was supposed to send by court order. That's what I'd do.

For fun, and because you're in this situation, I'd also go after his company assets. If you start doing that... I guarantee that he'll rush to settling this to YOUR satisfaction.

<small>[ April 04, 2003, 10:20 AM: Message edited by: Lyxa ]</small>

did you print it? copy it to you atty.

block his email

let him wear orange.

(((((((((((Peachy)))))))))))))

So, he violates the court order....he goes to jail. Isn't it about time he had to deal with the consequences of his actions? Let it happen, and in the meantime you have to find a way to make it without his money. Because as long as he know you NEED him for anything, he will play these games with you.

Don't give him that power....that is the fuel that sustains him. He has been very cruel to you, and now your community knows it too. Let him reap the rewards of his work. He deserves everything he gets.

Love and light,

Jacky

Peachy,

Here's a word of warning. Watch for add-on details on the check he gives you tomorrow. "Payment in Full". "Payment to Current". "Endorsement implies agreement to settlement", etc. turn the check over to your lawyer before you endorse anything from him

Thanks guys. I will look carefully at the check. Right now son's best friend, age five and next door neighbor's kid is over for his first sleepover! They are having a spiderman marathon tonight and I will order pizza in about an hour. I am getting son's room ready now while they are downstairs.

I got another email from him today. I did not respond to his IM last night and did do the x thing. It of all things, said that "MY TEARS IN THE COURT WERE REHEARSED AS I COULD NOT HAVE FELT THAT B/C WE'VE BEEN SEPARATED A YEAR AND ALMOST A HALF." And more crap. He goes on to say I need help. Yea right.

And the worst part is this part "MY SPENDING DOES NOT AFFECT HOW MUCH I LOVE MY SON". Sick. He doesn't get it. He says that he will rip me to shreds in the mediation. That is wacked. Mediation is not a time for mud slinging. The third attorney will have him for lunch. They will not put up with it.

My family and close friends honestly and so do I now, believe he may be seriously impaired. Either WS Syndrome x 1000000, or possibly drugs. What else can explain the rages, mood swings, inability to remember facts, excessive binges, etc. IT all points there.

And I am not engaging him anymore whatsoever. He's done it for the last time.

Unless about son it is click. And no calls. Nothing. Deep down I almost wish I could find out he was impaired so that I won't have to believe he is really this kind of person. But his behavior is making it somewhat easier to detach. Totally detach.

And thanks for the check tip. I will read it carefully.

It hurts to have to do this to anyone. But he doesn 't care that his non payment for four months now has left us in a bind and he's gone on eleven grand sprees over four days while I save for three months just to go and get my hair cut and three months to go get a few more outfits for my son. At a sale.

And I feel poopy. PMS'ing and not feeling too wonderful tonight.

The way to really stress an EX is to violate as many hard to enforce orders as possible, this in turn causes the other person to engage THEIR lawyer, there by costing YOU twice what you lost to begin with so you can WIN. The only real WINNER was your lawyer. The way to stir up an EX is to contact them and intimidate them with messages with buzz word content, if you were smart you would DISENGAGE from your EX on all matters and let your lawyer address it the NEXT time your in court, you making calls to a lawyer does exactly what he wants it to do, annoys you AND costs money, your being PLAYED, stop playing...

lets take that one step further, the way to really ANNOY an EX is to file as many useless motions as possible, If your not using a lawyer and they are, it ends up costing a fortune, the way to do this is file motions to be heard one day for several weeks in a row,for trivial matters. I'm NOT saying this is whats being done here, but i've seen guys use this tactic with great success...It wears the other party down and it costs a fortune...

Peachy,----way to go!

Many congratulations on your successful day in court. My heart and prayers have been rejoicing for you. Wow what an incrediable story that you stood your ground with courage, intergity and true love inspite of the oppression.

I could feel almost every emotion and you certainly have a real rare gift/talent for writing.

Soo sorry to hear about his bullying of you and latest tactics to oppress you/your poor son.

He does sound terribly messed up on either hard drugs/alchol both since he is so hardened/numbed emotionally disconnected from reality.

Great advice from everyone to disengage, from IM/etc. The finacical issues is only leverage of power he has over you and IM.

Remember he is a sick gamer--- and the game has gone way to far, he wants to destroy you. The stakes are so high.

He is so sick and has departed from reality. The drugs, etc, fuel his warped views for power, greed, lust is his MO.

Get out of the game because he hurts people and so destructive.

His strong pathological issues do not result from you , marriage or son.

He simply craves inordinates amounts of attention. Again typical of someone who has narcisstic personality disorder.

Sadly,it would appear the courts represent a male authority for him which he challenging and on a deep level desperately needs/wanting on some level. Unfortunately, the attentions are coming from you and your son's expense.

If he has to go back to court/jail the very thing he is actually craving. Obviously no has ever stood up to his machismo or entrenched bullying habits. So on many levels you have and therefore still sporting you as his target.

In his mind you broke his all rigid rules of his twisted boy games, sick games and now simply punishing you. Master/ slave...

Wondering about his background. Did he have grow up with a very abusive dominant father figure?

I have been praying specifically for him for last three days for him.

My STBX is acting out in the similar fashion but covering his basis in every slick way. He has such a corrupt support system network of devious men, brothers. women to help him with his devious tactics.

Everyone advice has been fabulously sanely correct.

Not dealing with normal men here.

The loss of finances is hardship severe something that is so difficult to deal with, my children and I have been so oppressed/angled in every way to bring us down.

I offer my sympathies.....

Hugs,

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Not dealing with normal men here. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">How very true. And that is what you need to hold on to Peachy. YOU are very normal and healthy, both spiritually and emotionally. HE is not. I rather think that draws him to you, you are so normal and strong and he would like to change that -- what power!! It is indeed the "dark side" and I'm not talking Star Wars here, I'm talking true dark side. It's frightening.

Keep your armor on...may we all keep our armor on.

Keeping you in my prayers. Please pray for me too. Tomorrow is my 29th anniversary and stbxh will be spending it with the OW. Again, power and darkness.

Remember, if God is for us who can ultimately stand against us?? You saw that in the court room - hold on to it.

I think it might be appropriate for your child support payments, etc., to be made through Georgia's agency which collects and distributes these funds. That way, jethro/darth/deucey/austin gets in trouble with the state before you drag him to court.

Just a thought.

Your alimony and child support needs to go through the courts. That way when XH decides to not pay, he will be taken by the courts, and if he refuses to pay, put in jail. It is going to be up to you to tell them where he is living. But that is your security, and you need the money to live and support your children.

The wayward spouse, is so in the FFOOGGG.... and here us women are trying to hold down a fort, and trying to present to our kids a normal life. I know that you will survive. And you will be okay, but getting to that point is the hard part. Our husband are so callous to emotions. Never thought I would be fighting for my life, like many here. But that is part of the betrayal, and they have very little feelings towards the family they created.

Good luck, hope you put more faith into God.

Hi Peachy! May I offer you something that worked for me and will work for you?
When he sends you crap emails - don't even read them; just forward it to your lawyer. They're all full of lies and BS anyway, right? So why read them and torture yourself further with his BS?
When he tries to IM you - you have BLOCKED him already he is NO 'buddy' of yours so don't even waste time on his sorry self.
When he calls you with a 'blocked' or 'unavailable' number - don't answer it or if you feel it might be someone else who is important (a telemarketer maybe?) then answer it and the second you hear his BS voice - HANG UP - you do NOT have to give him any courtesy at all - why should you - seeing he gives you NONE whatsoever! Don't even say a word, just CLICK!!!!!!!
After a few times of that - he will see that you are ignoring him and he will hate that sooooo much, BUTT, HE is the one who started this by STOMPING on your heart and family.
He's lower than whale $hit - so don't fool with him.
Harold

I have to first add that God's blessed me with two awesome new buddies from here at MB. We had out ATL lunch and a great time. Spent time at park and just walking and talking. They are the greatest and I am absolutely believing they are friends for life! What a blessing. But I started feeling kinda poopy towards the end as my back and rib cage is sore from coughing so much. Went home and son was doing great (he loves our buddies by the way and was so sad they had to go to see the talladega). There are a wonderful bunch of people here that love us during our darkest hours. Just seeing how they are doing as good as can be is so inspiring to me. I love them.

But when I got in the truck, I saw I had two messages. One from stbx. He says that he has left me the check on my door. On my door. And wants me to confirm that I have received it. (hence, speaking to him and obviously wanted to get a reaction out of me). He knows he is not asked to come near my doorway but does it anyway. Inside is check for not the amount the judge ordered him to pay. Just rent and five hundred. That may sound like alot to some, but debt is relative to lifestyle. I have paired back to the smallest bit. My lifestyle as a single woman has gone down over HALF, MAYBE THREE FOURTHS of what it was once. AND I AM WORKING TOO. It is not supposed to be this way. Not at all. Am I supposed to pay for his sins? For his doing all of this to his family? No sir. I am primary. Son lives with me.

He says in a post it note that I am not to directly pay the landlord and that he is BROKE (yea like he said he was before we got a hold of his documents) and that he might be able to give me five hundred more by the end of the month. I am in shock. Before the mediation they asked if I could live on two thousand. My attorneys said that we needed the full amount. So he doesn't even give me that. Gives me five hundred. He is a liar. A lost liar. I email paralegal and attorneys. Our mediation is next friday. He is unrelenting and I am honestly scared.

I am frightened. He is not going to quit. He will not quit until I am broke or until something dire happens financialy to me> only thing I can say is does he want custody? He can't keep our son. He is too self centered and lives totally for himself. It showed last week so very much. I am sickened by it.

And the kicker is this...Said he is taking son to Hilton Head and his parents are going too. Taking son to a nice resort when he can't afford to pay us? What is up with that? I am sickened. He is more than lost. He honestly believes my tears in court were made up, rehearsed and cannot or will not believe that he is losing this war.

And I am so damn scared. I am praying. Praying hard. I have car note, insurance, bills, lots of stuff that my salary alone won't get. He knows this. He knows it all too well. He is doing this on purpose. I wish he knew how our lives were. No maid. No laundry service. No trips. Clothes when needed and usually only for son. I can't even afford new scrubs. No time off when sick even. No family to support me in my delusional fog like his obviously does. No OM or anyone to hold me and just make me feel better despite my decisions or actions. No getaways. No fancy dinners.

How can this be? If I were to not stand up to this, we'd be living in the street by now and are not too far away. He left me with no nest egg, lots of debt (joint debt) and placed it all on my back all the while expecting me to be the mom I am (very committed one andloving one) and get a job too.

I think I am breaking under the pressure folks. He has pushed me to the limits. And court did not help. Honestly it ws traumatizing. I am hurting worse than I have in months because I guess I can clearly see his evil. His is more than fog. It is a denial of all that is good, moral and just. It is a blasphemy that he says he is a wonderful father. I am getting bank records this week and am going to work like a dog on them. I have to trace wire transactions. I have homework on top of this.

And why am I grieving? What am I grieving for anyhow? I stop and realize that the man I married has dumped us off. REally. He believes a trip here, maybe a toy there is enough to suffice our son and that our son seeing another woman and her child living with their dad is ok. And the worst part is he keeps throwing it in my face whether I ask to see it or not. I don't get it. Not at all. I feel so horrible right now. Lower than ever before. I did not want this divorce. I wanted him to do the right thing and give the documents and let's end it properly. He wanted his wild life and I was going to let him have it.

And I am not replying any more to him whatsoever. Am and always have forwarded his emails(the ones where he is threatening or lying) to lawyers. They are going to file yet another contempt motion and said if he doesn't pay whether there is a mediation agreement signed, he will STILL GO TO JAIL. So much for his little maneuvers. I swear I wonder how this man can wake up and see himself in the mirror. It must be scary. Very scary.

He asked if he could call our son briefly before bed. Son goes to sleep about 845 to 9 pm. He calls at almost nine. Asks to speak to son, I don't talk except say ok. Son covers head with his blankets and said "No. don't want to." I say "please talk to daddy and tell him about the fun we had today? Son said "No. I don't want to." I said he misses you and wants to hear how your day was. Son again says loudly NOOOO!. Then I say that I am putting the phone up to his ear so he can hear daddy. I do that and I hear stbx saying "hey how are you buddy?" And son sayd NOOOO." Stbx hangs up.

He has ruined his life and is now trying to ruin our future, son and I. Wants us to live like we have to depend on him forever. Or wants us to live as poorly as possible so that when son goes to visit dad in a few years, he may be swayed by the money that he may want to live with him. I am sick, sick sick. It is as though if we cannot join him in accepting his new lifestyle and choices, then we are against him. Simple as that.

Please pray hard for us. Keep on. And pray for me to have strength. Pray that I don't look back, wonder anymore, or try to figure this whole thing out. I am worn down so low that I am scared I can't get back up. This has taken a huge toll on my life. I can't even afford to go back to a counselor right now. And I know I need to. And I have to cough up 250 for the mediator on friday.

Pray for my stbxh. I don't know what is wrong..But my focusing on that since the trial is draining me of precious energey needed to stay with son and I. I can't let it rob me any more. Pray for him and pray that the addiction he is being ruled by is overcome by God. That God breaks through to him. He is trying to make son and I hit bottom, well we are not going to do so without a fight. And my armor feels thinner today. Has felt that way after the courtroom battle.

Weight of the world is on my shoulders, as it feels. Know I need to detach again totally. But how do you detach from someone who is hurting themselves? Although only contact is legal, or about son, I pray for him and have been hurting so bad since the information about his life was revealed through the bank records. I did it so good. Plan B was going so well. And then I find out truth and I get sucked back in. Like a black hole. I want out. I am not going to drown in his sin anymore. I need God for my lifejacket. I do pray and have been doing so harder than ever.

Think this is the worst phase. Of all I have endured this is the worst. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />