ThornedRose - I invited, because it was a christian day, a day to celebrate Jesus rising. The girls and I went to the grocery store after church, and I got a few things, and the one daughter said, there will only be the 4 of us. I said, yes. She said is dad going to come, and I said you will have to invite him. It didn't matter to me, but I gave her permission to invite him if she wanted to. I made it her decision.

She told him when dinner would be. And I called 15 minutes before we were about to eat. He asked if it could wait till later. And I said no. So he came when he wanted to. And the rest of us ate in the living room watching TV. Not a great dinner, and I told the kids I am sorry that this years celebration of Christ rising was not as enjoyable as in the past. Maybe that in the future, things will get better.

That is why I invited him. Maybe I should not do it anymore, just leave him be. Thorned Rose, how do you do this? He doesn't invite me to eat, doesn't pay for food for me and the kids. He doesn't care about me. But I still care, and that is what hurts. I guess I am a softy, and need to get hard core.

But I also feel for the kids. SNL doesn't see the kids are hurting, and having a hard time. He sits in his hovel and just lives by himself. I am having to deal with everything here, a house not done, A/C sitting crooked outside, and not hooked up properly. Too many things to fix. This house is overwhelming, and I really don't feel like doing much to it. I just want to sell the stupid house and get into something that is economical.

Just more of the what am I going to do. I don't talk to SNL much, cause there is nothing to say. He is not interested in what I do. He just talks to the kids. Which is good. Cause they are hurting inside. I see the pain on these kids faces everyday. I talked about putting the older dogs down, at the end of this summer. I said I can't take care of all these animals. Part of my caregiver, has to give up. I can't do it anymore. And that was the part of me that SNL liked. Now I have to give it up.

So many things that I can't do, and would love to do.

Have to get to bed. My mother is having surgery tomorrow on her left eye, cataract, and they found something else, will decide what it is in surgery. I am taking her in, and recovery will be about 2 hours. I worry about her, and I worry about taking care of her. I have another job, to take care of an elderly woman. I am talking long distance, to get this established. I would like decent pay, and I have to do something to get extra money. So I said, I will start next week. Am going to fit it in, and get acquainted with the 85 year old woman. I talked to her on the phone today, and she is excited to have me start next week. I am a caregiver. But I also, need to get some money.

To not have enough money, is not the greatest. I am worried about bills. I did cry to my oldest daugher about the bills, and not having enough money. I said, do you see your dad not buying things cause he can't afford it. I said no. Cause he makes great money, and can buy whatever he wants.

Anyways, I need to get to bed, a long day tomorrow. Thanks. I need help in dealing with this situation of SNL and not enought money to live.

Hi Faith4me,

I think Aly's post is a good one for you to print out so it will be convenient for you to re-read again and again in these next days and weeks--maybe the fridge or bathroom mirror? Aly was once where you are now--she has experience that can help you and she is willing to share that with YOU! So, Faith4me, here is yet another person who sees you as a valuable and worthwhile person--one day you will see it and believe it too!!

Faith4me, I have a different opinion about the invitation extended to xh for Easter Dinner. As I have mentioned to you on previous threads of yours, you and I are alike in many ways so I am interested in what you and others think about my opinion. However, that might border on "threadjacking" so I'm not sure if YOUR thread is the appropriate place to discuss it. Please let me know if this is threadjacking and we can just drop the subject in your thread, ok? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

My opinion is this--you did not invite xh to Easter Dinner, but you allowed your DAUGHTER to invite HER FATHER when she brought it up to you. I think this was very nice of you to do for your daughter--it would have been very hard on her knowing her father was all alone on Easter and had no Easter Dinner. This is so soon after the divorce is final that xh hasn't had time to make friends he can share holidays with, so I think it was very kind of you to accomodate both your daughter and xh this first holiday. Aslo, I think it is TERRIFIC that you followed through with your own dinner plans and time for dinner instead of rearranging everything around xh. You didn't allow yourself to be walked all over while you were being considerate and kind! I think you did a marvelous job Faith4me--I don't think I could have done so well under your circumstances and I am interested in others' opinions on how they see the boundaries that you were able to enforce.

Btw Faith4me, I do not agree with you at all that you have to become hardcore--I think you need to become more of a softy toward yourself and your own needs. I think that becoming hardcore would be denying who you are and who you have said many times that you WANT to continue to be. It is still surprising to me that as people learn to love themselves more (not love as a feeling, love as a verb which equals ACTIONS) they are able to love others more and give more to them too. I still don't understand why that is, I just know that I have seen evidence of it over and over again. That appeals to the Giver in me, how about you Faith4me?

Last thing I want to mention--I agree with Aly's statement about the benefits of having to simplify. I do not agree with Nellie's statement that anyone who ever had to worry about putting a roof over kids' heads would say such a thing--because I have been in that exact position and I DID say that even while going through it. It made me make decisions on a daily basis that I would not have otherwise needed to make--and even though I did not realize this at the time, I was teaching my kids my values by my decisions. I'm glad this came up in your thread Faith4me because it's looking like I could be in that position again in the not so distant future, and I was starting to feel afraid. I was looking at what I would "lose" by simplifying--now I can see it for what it really is, an opportunity to put my money (or lack thereof <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> ) where my mouth is as far as my values are concerned. I feel much calmer about it now, especially since my kids are older this time around and can contribute in different ways now than they could when they were younger.

Faith4me, I want to thank you for sharing yourself, your struggles and your triumphs in your threads--I have learned a lot from your threads and that has benefitted me in ways that are very important to me <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Take care Faith4me

How can having to worry about keeping a roof over your children's heads have anything to do with simplifying? We are not talking about getting rid of one's yacht - we are talking about paying for the basics. How is having to spend hours and hours filling out paperwork to get fuel assistance, medical insurance, reduced price school lunches, etc simplifying my life? How is having to spend hours waiting in line if I go to the food pantry simplifying my life? I hate the decisions I have to make every day. I hate the fact that my daughter has to wait a month or more to get the new glasses she needs because it takes that long to get them through the state medical insurance. I hate the fact that I have to stuff 6 children into a tiny 3 bedroom one bath ranch, and I can't even afford to replace the drafty windows. My life is far more complicated now than it was when we had enough money to live on.

Nellie,
I'm sorry if I sounded cavalier to you. I'm sorry you are struggling. When I think of 6 children in a 3 bedroom ranch I think of how just 30 to 40 years ago this was common place. I think of how close your children will always be to each other. I think of how much love there must be in such a home. I hear a mother who truley loves her children and does everything in her power to give them what they need.
When I say simplify I mean getting back to what is important. Something that doesn't cost anything. So many children in our world have become so greedy because we have, as parents, taught them having more stuff is so important.
The lessons you are teaching your children are going to be so rewarding to them as they get older.
I hope you find time to open your heart again. You sound so hurt. I wish we moms got paid to stay home and take care of our children.
If I had it to do all over again, I would have had my H pay me to do what I did, just like any other job. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />
I'll be praying for you.

Aly

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> How is having to spend hours and hours filling out paperwork to get fuel assistance, medical insurance, reduced price school lunches, etc simplifying my life? How is having to spend hours waiting in line if I go to the food pantry simplifying my life? I hate the decisions I have to make every day. I hate the fact that my daughter has to wait a month or more to get the new glasses she needs because it takes that long to get them through the state medical insurance. I hate the fact that I have to stuff 6 children into a tiny 3 bedroom one bath ranch, and I can't even afford to replace the drafty windows. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Energy Assistance - done over the phone for assesment with the electric/gas company or a referral from your social worker. One page.

School Lunch - Free - either homeschool or fill out the one page - list everyone in the house SSN, name and age, and income. That's it.

Food Pantry line too long? get there early. go to the other one. ask someone from your church to take up a special collection of non perishables.

State medical? You had to wait a month? I walked into the place, had the exam, and picked up the glasses 3 days later. Did you let your insurance lapse by not meeting your social worker for a scheduled review? Was this the 3rd pair of glasses in a short period of time? Something sounds wrong there Nellie.

YOU HAVE 3 BEDROOMS!!! you are lucky!

I have one real bedroom, and another bedroom without a closet.

Drafts? Heck yeah! That's what they made plastic sheeting and duct tape for.

You actually OWN this home? WOW! I dream for the day I can own a home of my own... or even rent an apartment. I live in my parents summer cabin.

I think that's amazing. To actually own your own home. One of my dreams.

Life is tough. Do the best you can and enjoy every second.

It takes more energy to go thru life angry.

Are you guys all healthy?

It really gets me Nellie - and F4me, I apologize for butting in on your thread, but I think it is important you hear this too...

It gets me that you can spend so much time being upset and angry and bitter - when you have so much to be thankful for.

Your kids dad is a real fudgebucket sometimes, and thats fine. But they still have him.

What would you have done if you were put in a situation like mine?

Hi Faith4me,

I hope you don't mind me jumping in on this one too--you might consider this for your minor son also-----

Nellie1, how about asking the parents of your kids' friends for assistance? I used to trade "play time" for "dinner time". The kids didn't even know, they just knew that they were invited to have dinner at their friend's house--sometimes we arranged it so that it was "spur of the moment" and the kid called home to ask me. It was fun for all the kids because when their friends had play time at my house we did the things that their parents hated to do LOL It was a good trade--everyone benefitted including the parents!

Faith4me, is there something that your minor son and his friends like to do that drives the parents nutty? You could trade being the parent who's driven nutty for a dinner for your son.

Note: I didn't mean to imply that simplifying was easy, just that it has benefits that having more than enough doesn't have.

Take care

I understand the simplyfying. I do things that are cheap. Can't afford to take the kids to the movies. Only dad can do that. But I okay for them to get a couple of movies to bring home, and we have popcorn. Or make a yummy treat. Just something that makes a home a home. Being together, and being in the home with each other.

I would rather live in a little 2 bedroom home than a big 5 bedroom home. That means there is less materialistic items. Less items to dust, less to keep up with, and less to insure. A bigger house means more insurance and more upkeep.

Your statement of kids now adays having too much it all so true. My kids have had a lot of things. Our oldest seems to have everything, and now reality is hitting hard, cause I tell the kids I can't afford it. They are going to their dad, to ask for money, for gas, etc. I tell them, can't afford it, and won't. I finally explained to my oldest that $15,000 ain't gonna get it.

I am lucky, that I have 4 healthy, kids. I am lucky that we live in the US. And I am glad that I have family and friends to talk to. I am also, glad that my mother is well after her surgery today. I stayed with her at the hospital and stayed at her house. I brought over leftover turkey, and made her a nice dinner. She enjoyed it. She needs to go in for post op tomorrow, so she gave me her car to drive home, and pick her up tomorrow for the appointment.

I am very grateful to God, for my life, and my life with him. There are many ways that I need to grow in Gods plan. Things will work out, and I will survive. Just everything is so overwhelming and SNL has left me with a mess here at this house. I am having a downsizing sale. And hope to get rid of articles that we don't need. Our life has changed, and the kids have seen radical changes in this family.

Just a little note to update of what is happening. Conversations are limited right now. And for the better. SNL needs to get his mothers house done before May 23, eviction that day. And there is so much to do before then. Move her stuff out of the house she is being evicted out of. And SNL has many things out in the garage that is loaded. So much too do, and so little time left.

Needing a good nights sleep, taking my mother to the hospital for post-op appt. Seems I am really tired tonight, and have a fairly bad headache, and the right eye is buldging again. My neck is so sore, and I need to get it massaged or something. Goodnight everyone.

Oh, yeah, the little bunny opened his eyes. His ears are up, and now I can get him out of the cage and he laid on my chest while we were watching TV. WAs difficult with the bunny, and the bird on my shoulder, and one of the kittens trying to get the bunny. Demsey, the gray kitten, was laying next to me, and putting his paw up to paw at the rabbit. The bunny is eating well, taking 2or3 eyedrop container full of formula. He sucks it fairly well. He is soo.... cute. My caregiver, is working again. Assigned, the other daughter to feed the bunny today while I was gone at the hospital.

That is my life, taking care, and nursing one back to health. I wished that I was a neonatal nurse. Or a veterinarians assistant. Too old, and body has been battered too much. Goodnight.

justawife,
In my state, not only does one have to fill out a rather long fuel assistance form, but one also has to include approximately 6-8 pieces of additional documentation. It is standard in my state for glasses obtained under Medicaid to take between 4 and 8 weeks to arrive. And then there is the annual recertification form for Medicaid, that is about 8 pages long. It is not sufficient to arrive early at the food bank in my town - I would have to arrive so early that I would not be able to get my daughter to school, or I get to wait for hours. There is a long line even if you show up early. You are fortunate to live in a state where apparently the paperwork is minimal.

You decided that you wanted to homeschool one of your kids, and all you had to do was deal with the school. I, on the other hand, do not have that luxury. I homeschooled for seven years. It was apparently quite successful - two of my kids completed high school at home, and went on to a prestigious college and an academic scholarship. My H, who used to be very supportive of homeschooling while he was at home, has decided that he doesn't want the kids homeschooled. If I were to decide to homeschool the kids again, he would take me to court and do everything in his power to prevent it - and since he can afford an expensive lawyer, he might just win. I think you are extremely fortunate that you can make decisions that are in the best interests of your kids without having to consult someone who has become a complete stranger.

<small>[ April 22, 2003, 10:56 PM: Message edited by: Nellie1 ]</small>

Faith4me,

You know how I feel about most of this subject.I know you are truely working on your relationship with the Lord. This is want will get you thru.
Remember the testimonies I sent you.

You must depend on God for all things. I am a living testimony of this. I make less than $6,000
a year and get only $100 a week child support.

How have I done this, by allowing God to simplify
my life. I work a lot less hours now and have more time for my children and church.Yes, I was homeless for about 5 months after losing our family home with 5 bedrooms. But, praise God, our church found a lady for me and my daughters to live with until we found a home. Yes, it was rough and it was hard to keep the faith. God put a wonderful new family of friends in my life to encourage me.

God, yes , God arranged for me to be living in a 3 bedroom brick home with a garage, storage buildings, and a large nice yard. I pay NO RENT. Only, God can do this. I care for the home for a couple in a nursing home. A pastor at church found the home for us.

I am grateful that my life is so much simplier. Yes, I have struggles, like getting my mower running, and there are times that money is tight. But I have found that if I put my faith in the Lord and trust Him for my needs, somehow, the money always turns up. I could give you many stories of how the Lord has provided for me and my family. God has blessed me each time I have depended on Him instead of my husband or any other person. My husband even paid to have my yard mowed last week when I couldn't get my mower running. This had to be God. My husband hasn't lived with me for three years and this is the first time he has done this. In the past he didn't thinks it was his place to help me. I didn't ask him, I just gave it to God and God worked thru my husband.

Three years ago I would have not thought any of this was posssible. Now, I have lived this and I know it is possible. Most of the time we try to do everything ourselves or depend on someone or something else. God is the only one we can depend on.

I know Nellie that you are not a believer, and I am not trying to convert you because you have makde it clear that this wouldn't happen. I am trying to encourage those that do believe. I want them to know that life can be much simplier. The choice is ours. I am thankful that God taught me this lesson. Yes the lesson was painful, but so is childbirth , which yeilds a beautiful gift.

I think it was a very Christ like thing to do by inviting SNL to Easter dinner. Christ loves him and I am sure you have found favor in His eyes.We are not to return evil for evil, or insult for insult, but to give a blessing instead. Showing the love of Christ is AlWAYS the right thing to do.

gentle

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I think you are extremely fortunate that you can make decisions that are in the best interests of your kids without having to consult someone who has become a complete stranger.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Sure, I make all the calls. Big deal. I am the Mom and the Dad. The buck stops here.

But, I would give anything in the world for the children to have their father back pre-brain injury. Anything.

I would deal with arguments about child support, homeschooling, pierced ears or not, anything he could toss at me I would be happy to deal with the pain and greif.

I read people complain about visitation schedules, and hear friends say how they can't stand watching as the ex drives up and the kids go to the car....

It isn't about us. It's about the kids.

You don't get it, and I don't think you will get it.

And I pray you never have to try and get it.

one more thing....

Don't ever say that the fact that my children do not have a functioning father is a luxury.

<small>[ April 23, 2003, 03:05 AM: Message edited by: justthewife ]</small>

Justthewife - I am sorry that you are in the position of having a husband who is incapacitated. Dealing with someone with brain surgery, is difficult. Mood swings, temper swings, surgery on the brain causes so many internal changes, you really don't know who you are talking to. I am so sorry for you! Seems I missed this in your posts.

Your patience with your kids is difficult, being the mom/dad. Feeling of despair as you would like to consult with your husband about children, finances, and such. I can feel your pain as you read the posts of x spouses saying statements that their spouse does this or that. And all you would like is a spouse that interacts, and knows what is going on. Is there someone, or a family that could be a mentor for your kids? An uncle, or a relative, or someone from the church? Someone that understands your situation, and would love to be a 'father', to take the kids and do father things with them? Offer their ear to you, for listening and ?'s about raising the kids and offering advice? I am sorry if I posted rudely about my xhusband, now knowing what you have had to deal with. I will pray for you and your family.

To have God in my life, is my goal. To give all of this totally to him, and let whatever happens happen. I did invite SNL for dinner, cause I knew he would enjoy the dinner, and it was for the kids. To know that their dad is enjoying a meal, and he was here to talk to them. Since, SNL and I talk very little. Just better this way. Seems SNL doesn't find anything of value in me. I would rather him say nothing, than the critical remarks. One day hopefully he will see that I am a valuable person, a loving person, and was a good wife. He wasn't the easiest person to live with, and he is a controller. The kids see how he controlled me. He will be this way until he decides to change. I said yes, I am sorry things ended up this way. I am sorry that we are not a unit anymore. All of them realize things are going to be tough, and that mom is trying to find her nich in life. With not working all these years, and raising the family, and working for dad for free, and getting kicked in the butt for those hard years of working for him, they realize that I am having a hard time. But I and the kids will make it through. It is going to be tough, and giving it to God is my goal.

Yet Again, yes you seem to understand what I am going through. I being a betrayed spouse, and living the life I lived the last 3 years was difficult, and hard for the the family to see. Living with a man, who went ballistic, and calling names. This man was taken over by Lust and Sin. Not caring about anyone here. Only filling his sin with adultery, and deceit and lies. Knowing how this started and happened we both have learned quite a bit. I can't say, it still doesn't hurt, cause I do have flashbacks. And I do still have ugly dreams. I do wake up and thank God they were only a dream, and get on my knees and pray. I spend a lot of time talking with God, and asking for help.

Knowing the people at church, is a wonderful experience. To get active in the cell groups, and be involved in the church in any way I can, is a desire in my heart. I am finding myself, once again. I am now going to take care of an elderly woman. One day a week. Just for the time being. And evaluate her, and report to her daughters. This just came up and I decided to take this opportunity, to see how I feel about this responsibility. I won't get rich, but my heart will be there for this 85 year old woman. She is not an invalid. She does her own personal care, and cleaning. She needs to go grocery shopping, take time taking her to senior citizens, and local tasks. I talked to her Monday, and we had a nice conversation.

What has happened in my life and my childrens life was not what I wanted. But it happened, and we all are surviving. We all need to do our part in this time of needing to get things done, and things repaired, and working together. Yes, there is hurt in all of our hearts, and the pain is real. I see the pain of my children, and do wish that I could lessen the pain. But God will help them, and help me. God is within our reach, if we accept him and pray for his love. My kids are hurting inside, and God doesn't seem to be strong in their hearts. I will show them, my actions of growing with God, and hopefully they will want to grow with God too.

Divorce is ugly, and is a sin. This is what SNL wanted, and therefore, I am divorced, and making a new life.

Need to get going, garbage hunting in the morning, and have to get going.

Oh yes, I talked to my mother this morning, and she is doing fine. The trouble spot in her eye, turned out to be okay. I talked with the surgeon, and thanked him, and he was a christian, and we both thanked God. It was difficult seeing my mother fraile yesterday. Her body laiden with drugs, and taking her home and she was not with it. She has always been a strong woman, and this was difficult to see her, weak. After she ate, she laid on the couch and slept. During that time I took the dog for a walk, needing to get away, and talk to God and pray. Also, the dog loved his walk. Mother is doing great, and taking her eye drops, and I will be taking her to the Dr. for post-op today. Thank you God for my mothers recovery, and for time to talk to a Christian Surgeon.

Gentle,
You are an inspiration to me. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />
I hope I will always be able to find you here.
You truly have peace. You are blessed.
I will keep you in my prayers.

Aly

justthewife,

I would give anything for my kids to have the loving father they used to have back. The father they have now is not one who cares about their best interests.I have no experience with a husband like yours, and you have no experience with a husband like mine. I personally think that children whose father dies are often far better off than chidren whose father deserts them, because at least the former can believe that their father loved them. It is about the kids, and therefore I will stand by my statements.

Faith4me seems like a very resourceful woman, certainly not someone who wastes her money on unnecessary purchases. If she does not have the money to get the medical care she needs, I do not see how that is going to simplify her life.

Faith,

My ex had his injury just before I started posting here in 2000. He fell over 4 stories while working at a construction site.

I'm lucky, I have a very supportive family - Mom and Dad are each one of 7 so there are so many aunts, uncles, and cousins that I get more than enough help...

No need to apologize about posting rudely about SNL. If he had been my husband I'd have a few choice words to say about him myself. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

I never meant for you to feel bad about what I said - or anyone to feel bad.

Things are hard when you are first adjusting to a new lifestyle. Any lifestlye change - divorce, trauma, new baby.... whatever.

I'm blessed to have friends to pitch in and family to love and support me.... my life is amazing. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Yeah, it's tough sometimes and nothing is perfect. But as long as your family is together and healthy, that is the blessing.

edit: Nellie - you have no idea how cruel that was. I pity you. I find your statement about children being better off with a dead father disgusting and thoughtless. I don't need to tell you to go rot somewhere. You've made your own personal hell and seem to enjoy it. You have actually made me cry.

<small>[ April 23, 2003, 09:00 AM: Message edited by: justthewife ]</small>

Hi there Faith4me,

Please excuse me a minute while I say a couple things to Nellie on your thread (I guess this has turned into an official threadjack for a minute <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" /> )

Nellie!! Why are you saying these things on Faith4me's thread? You know how hard it is to adjust to such major life changes, because you have had to do the same thing! I cannot understand how you think spewing bitterness on Faith4me's thread can be helping her in any way. If you think this is helpful in some way, would you please explain it to me so I can see where you're coming from? (Please start another thread with it so you and I don't interfere with what Faith4me wants/needs to do on her thread.)

Nellie, please consider starting your own thread to learn ways to start dealing with the bitterness so you can truly enjoy what life--and God--has to offer you. It would probably be better for your kids too. (A thought just occurred to me--is that why you're doing this on Faith4me's thread? So she can see what could happen to her if she allows it?)

JTW--thanks for the laugh! (you can probably guess which comment I'm referring to LOL)

Threadjack over--thanks Faith4me <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> .

I originally posted on Faith4me's thread because she was basically told that she should somehow be grateful because now she would have a chance to simplify, and I think that is a bunch of cr**. The poor woman is in constant pain because of her H's assault, she can not work, he won't pay for her medical care to help her recover, and yet people are telling her that everything will be fine and dandy if she merely simplifies. Those platitudes just don't cut it. SNL is a cruel and heartless man, and practically makes my H look normal in comparison.

I am not the first person on this board, or elsewhere, to have said that it is often easier on children to lose a father to death than to divorce. Many people feel that that is true, and I do not believe in any way that it is a cruel statement. It is my opinion, and no one has given me any reason to change it.

Well at some point we have to start looking at what we have rather than what we don't or we will have a totally miserable life.

You can't let SNL have the power to continue destroying your life especially since he's GONE. Now, it's up to you, F4M--your happiness and joy and peace of mind is in your own hands.

The richest people in the world still can't buy inner peace and contentment and happiness... It's not about the money.

BTW, my mom divorced several times so I know what it feels like to go from having to not having... but it's all relative anyway...

<small>[ April 23, 2003, 06:38 PM: Message edited by: BINthereDUNthat ]</small>

Okay you guys, I am in a rut! A deep rut, I am about to burn SNL, write his name on paper, and watch it burn. He comes over, twice today. The first time, he talked to daughter, said he was mentoring our daughter. He did not ask to come over, and is not obeying the court order. I asked him if he was going to help with the sale, it starts tomorrow, trying to downsize. He talks to her, and I need her to help, if he doesn't. Said he is mentoring, and the daughter of course says, that she will listen to dad. She of course idolizes her father, which is okay. Daughters do that, and SNL should see how I felt about my father. But SNL was jealous of my feelings for my father. But now he has a daughter doing the same, and it is OKAY! Anyways, I get some help from the kids, but I basically, am about to give up. SNL comes over again, and didn't ask. Came over for what, I don't know. Talked some, and we got into a big fight. I asked him to not come over and help himself to food. I told him I would appreciate that he would call first. He says, we are not divorced. Our daughter (oldest) says, we are not legally divorced. I said, we are, and this is what really hurts. He is wrapping our oldest daughters mind around his projecting vial ideas. I can't stand that he sits here at my house, and says, he is paying me enough money. He took the money I got from a settlement and lied to me about buying the house in Arizona for him and his other woman. He lied to me, and will not once say he is sorry. Not once does he say, yes, I am sorry. He took the money I received from my injury on the job, and I am the one going to suffer the rest of my life. He feels nothing about taking the money, and doesn't care about anything about me.

He comes in, like king of the house. I am still hurting, and my neck is bothering me and my eye is buldging out. (feels like it). I got into how he screwed the other woman, and said when he screwed her, that he divorced me. My daughter goes after me with you have been wanting a divorce for so many years. I said, what about your dad. So you blame me, and when I talk about her father, she has nothing to say. I am about ready to leave. I am so sick and tired of him sitting there, and letting my daughter talk to me like this. But this is how our marriage has been. SNL has never given me respect, and our kids don't give me respect. He lets her talk disrespectful to me, and has nothing to say.

I got back at him with his lust, for the other woman. I got back at him with his deceit and lies. No, it was not nice, but I am sick and tired of this man, coming to this house, whenever he wants. Eating whatever he finds in my house. Helping himself to whatever he finds in this house. This is my house, and he has the house in Arizona which he wanted. And that is where he and Mrs. X decided to plan and decorate the house in Arizona. This I did out of pain, and hurt. And I don't feel bad about it right now. I am so sick of his attitude.

We talked about his mother. And she is so distraught, because she and SNL argued yesterday and today. SNL tells me that he is putting boundaries with her. He lived in that house since April, and didn't do much on the house. She is being evicted May 23. And he sits there and doesn't worry or have a concern. I don't understand this man, and how he can live with himself. He basically tells me that he won't let her talk to him in the manner she talks. But he can talk to her in a uncaring manner. He can rule her around, this is her darn house, and all her savings are wrapped up in this house. He doesn't seem to feel anything towards his mother. I don't understand a man like this.

See, this man has his one daughter wrapped around his finger. Cause daddy still is paying for her truck payment, paying for her things she needs. Daddy is bailing her out, and she loves her daddy for this. Plus she loves her daddy period. I don't pay for things anymore, cause I can't afford it. So she sees me as a person that doesn't care. I told her, if she wants groceries of any sort, that she is to go ask for money from her father. I am done, buying groceries. I am going to tell the kids to go get money from dad. That way, they can complain, and I can say, I only get money for myself, and the once child. I don't get money for the 3 older ones. And that is the truth. SNL reads here, and he can think whatever he wants, and post here his statements. But he is not being fair, and that is all there is to it.

Today, showed more of his unthoughtfulness. More of his uncaring attitude. Never does he say he is at fault for doing something wrong. Never does he say he defaulted the marriage by his controlling behavior. Never does he say, he injured me. He says if I hadn't done etc. But never will he say, he should of not done anything, cause he is so much bigger than I. And today, he is saying his mother is talking to him wrong.

Here is an example. She ordered Pergo floors for the house. The flooring came in 2 weeks ago. She asked him if he got some of the flooring today, so that one room could be done. I guess they got into a big argument about why she has to ask him all the time. One, this is her house. Two, she has an interest in getting the rest of her stuff out of the house she is being evicted from. Three, Home Depot is not going to hold the flooring forever. She has close to 3000 square feet of it. Four, she wants her stuff out of the house before the bulldozer comes. And also, this woman is 72 years old, and living under such a great amount of stress. This man doesn't care about his mother. He puts more stress on her, and tells her to not ask him any more. He tells me tonight, did you change your underwear, did you brush your teeth, did you comb your hair. To say, to me that with him asking me those questions, isn't that irritating. I said, if they were stupid questions, but I said I am not going to play your twisting mind games. I said your mother is worried, and if you had any decency, you would tell your mother yes I am working on this and that. I said, give your mother an update. After all, he wanted to be in CONTROL of getting the house done. He wanted to hire the contractors. He wanted to be the supervisor of the house. And he wants to live with his mother. If he acts like this, there is no way the two of them can live under the same roof. I feel sorry for his mother. And he is misusing his mother.

So this is a VENT!!!!! I am so sick of his stupid attitude, and unreasonable statements. He went off cocked and upset. Let him go. I don't care, at this point. I hate what he is doing, and I hate that he injured me, and I hate the pain I am in. He doesn't have to take medication everyday for spasms and pain. I told him to go to H*ll to day. I normally don't, cause I do care. But today I just wanted him to feel the pain I feel. He doesn't ask how I am doing. Anyways, I need to talk to God, and get myself calmed down. SNL doesn't even realize that my body is showing stress. My body is stressed, and today, is another day of why we are not married anymore, and SNL we are DIVORCED. Accept it man, you and I are not man and wife. We haven't been since you had your affair. We are DIVORCED. You got what you wanted, why can't you say, we are DIVORCED. Again, word games, and this is not right. I better go, I could say some really unhealthy words, and statements. I hate what he is like, and I hate what he is doing to his mother. This is not the man I married, do you hear me SNL, you are not the man I married. You lusted for a woman, and lusted her in the hotel and the house in Arizona that you bought. Admit your failure SNL, admit that you weren't the best husband. You did not treat me as an equal. You treated me as 2nd to you. I am a good woman, and one day you will see the mistake you made. But for now, leave me out of your mess. Leave me alone, and let me move on. Your x-wife.

As far as hyjacking my thread. This is okay with me. I am sorry I went off track, but I needed to get this off my chest, so that I could sleep tonight. I have been worried about my mohter. And did SNL ask and show concern. Nope. He doesn't care. I am going to quit, but don't worry about interfering with my thread. We all have some good insight and statements to say. And there are a lot of hurt feelings, needing to be said. So I am okay with all of this. Please lets help each other out. Cause we all are hurting severely in our own way. Goodnight.

Hope tomorrow I sell a lot of things, and get some money. SNL will just have to realize that I am a hard worker, and that I am a good person, and was a loving wife. He needs to look in the mirror once in awhile. He needs to see that he is failing, in many ways. He needs to see that he is causing extreme pain with his mother. I worry about her, and she talks of death frequently. I tell her, she needs to hold on for certain reasons. But her depression is really getting to her. SNL doesn't see it, and probably says its all in her head. Just like my panic attacks. He didn't help me, and criticized me for having the panic attacks. I don't have them now. But I am having some awful dreams.

Goodnight.

<small>[ April 23, 2003, 08:58 PM: Message edited by: Faith4me ]</small>

Hi Faith4me,

It is time to call your attorney. Find out if it is time to change your locks, also find out if xh should get the bill for it. Find out exactly what steps are to be taken when your home is entered illegally or when an unwanted guest will not leave. That is exactly what it is called Faith4me--unwanted guest. I have a police scanner and you would be surprised how many unwanted guest calls come in. Find out how your local law enforcement wants you to handle it on your end, usually they want you to call as soon as he pulls up so that they can get a car started toward your area and then you call back if he enters your home without YOUR invitation (not child's invitation). This is a legal issue Faith4me, not a marriage or divorce issue.

Think of it this way, if you told me that I was not welcome at your home without you specifically inviting me for a SPECIFIED PURPOSE AND FOR A SPECIFIED TIME PERIOD and I showed up uninvited, entered your home, and would not leave when you told me to, what would you do? Whatever legal steps you would take with me is what you should do with xh.

You are the queen of your castle now Faith4me. Learn what legal rights that entitles you to so that you can start exercising those rights.

This next thing is going to be tough for you Faith4me but I think it is necessary. I think a call to Adult Services is in order. I think your mil would benefit greatly from a social worker overseeing the situation. She has legal rights too, but she probably doesn't know that and probably doesn't know that Social Services has a division similar to Child Protective Services that is for the elderly. You cannot personally help her Faith4me, but you can alert an agency who can.

Faith4me, there is nothing wrong with easing your adult children into being independent and self-sufficient. My adult children live at home (21 and 18). Their dad and I buy all the groceries because we can and we want to (occasionally they will buy pizza or takeout for the family), but they buy all their personal products like shampoo, razors, whatever and have done this since getting their first jobs. We still supply everything for our minor child (15) because he is still a kid and he fulfills all his responsibilities at school and most of his responsibilities at home (I wish I could say ALL his responsibilites at home but he's a kid so he does enough of them that I don't have to spaz about it very often <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> ).

Faith4me, it might be time for your adult children to do their own meal planning, grocery shopping, cooking, and clean-up. This is basically what will happen when you get a renter, so this could also help you adjust to the ins and outs of this before you're sharing kitchen space with a renter.

Faith4me, as far as xh's comment about you two not being divorced yet, you really need to help him let go. I know this isn't fair to you, especially since you didn't want the divorce, but it is apparent that he cannot let go of you by himself. Think of how you would help him do that if you were the one who initiated a divorce that he didn't want. You are very kind and caring Faith4me, and you can help xh let go of you and stand on his own two feet without it interfering with you moving on from him and moving toward your new way of life without him sharing it. I know this is not fair Faith4me--maybe one day he will get support from friends like you are doing, but until then someone has to help him let go and it looks like that has to be you. Sucks, I know, but people will help you to help him in this.

Step one--mentoring his daughter should be done in HIS home, not YOURS. Visitation with minor child should be done in his home, not yours, also.

Faith4me, please don't allow xh to continue to use the kids to stay attached to you in an unhealthy manner. For you two to develop a healthier relationship (even if it's just a healthier parenting/grandparenting relationship) you must take the lead Faith4me because his repeated behavior tells us that he cannot.

I know all this sucks Faith4me, it really does. But you can learn to do everything that this divorce makes it necessary for you to do. And you have people who care about you and will help you in the different ways that they can, all you have to do is ask <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Take care Faith4me

First, would like to extend my sympathy to Faith4me... Faith, I know you love your husband still, and I am very sorry that he could not love you as you deserve. Given the danger that you were (and continue to be) in, it is one of the few times when I think divorce is the better solution. Again, I am sorry for your loss.

Now, about this idea of seeing the good, despite the bad... as justthewife (and some others)discussed, and Nellie has refuted.

I have learned some VERY hard lessons in my life, most of them over the course of the last four years, and I dare say, the most profound over the last four *months*. The one lesson that I have fought hardest AGAINST was this idea that **I** have some control over whether or not I am happy.

A simple search under my name would reveal thousands of posts, many (if not most) about my woes. If someone did (God forbid) even *suggest* that perhaps I should **try** to bloom where I am planted, I would become defensive and downright angry. I would counter with, "Have YOU had to wash your clothes in the bathtub because you have no money or soap for laundry, or even a car to get there?" and they would then respond with, "Be glad you have a bathtub." I swear, I wanted to slap them silly. And I say "them" because there were a FEW brave souls who tried to help me to pull my depression up by the boot straps.

Now I am not saying that there isn't a time for grieving, nor a time to wallow a bit. But after that, there is a time to FIND YOUR BLESSINGS in SPITE of your pain.

When I read justthewife's response on the prior page, I almost jumped out of my skin, because she's so RIGHT ON. I could tell you my circumstances right now, and let me tell you, you would be sad for me. I've got some MAJOR problems... MAJOR. And yes, I do hurt some days, want to cry, want to wallow... but let me tell you what has SAVED ME.

I AM BLESSED! In spite of my circumstances, I have children who adore me even though I wasn't always the best mom (but I was always doing the very best I could and they KNOW that!)... I have a husband who loves me despite some HUGE obsticles... I have parents who support me and family who holds me in prayer... I have found forgiveness for my mistakes (which are many)... I AM BLESSED! This is not about religion, although it is a spiritual shift, for sure. It isn't about what you need to do - it's about what you need to SEE.

I didn't want to listen when this was shared with me... maybe you don't want to hear it right now, but hopefully, when you are ready, you will remember.