</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Nellie1:
<strong>I don't think that crappy is really the right word to describe how I feel - but I think it is counterproductive to try to pretend that things are better than they are.

[...]

I posted originally because I feel really terrible for Faith4me, and I don't think that people should be advising her to simplify, as if that would make things so much better. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Hi Nellie,

Like I said in posts above, I am certainly NOT in the position to candy-coat life... in fact, I've had a really difficult day, and today probably isn't the most positive day for me either.

But...

What I *do* know, and this is from years of experience, is that the constant complaining without action to correct the problem is TRULY the thing that makes it worse.

This idea about "simplifying" does sound kind of pie-in-the-sky, I know. Since I am not the person who mentioned it in the first place, I probably shouldn't try to second guess the poster's motives... but to me... what is being suggested is that Faith4me knuckle-down and concentrate on HEALING HERSELF and do her best to ignore the outside crud that invades her life (as in the visits/talks with SNL, that only CONTINUE the cycle of pain).

Do you see that this attempt at simplifying is not pretending the problems do not exist, but is instead taking some modicum of control in a seemingly uncontrollable situation?

What I see when I read Faith4me's words is a perpetual cycle of pain and abuse. I've been there, as have many of us. At some point, we have to DO something, and for our emotional (and often physical) health, time is of the essence.

New Beginning - I started a new thread, cause of the title, which is what I feel. I am downsizing, and it is hard, knowing what SNL does to me, and wondering what his next vindictive actions are going to be. Being the person I am, I am a caregiver by heart. That is one of the things that xhusband liked aboutme. But now sees it as a negative. Being a woman of true heart, and love, to downsize is hard. Getting things sold, that were brought into this marriage together, is difficult.

You have been in my shoes, and there are days, that I wish that I could be by myself. Totally by myself. But I am responsible, and I know that my kids are hurting, and having a hard time. So I am trying to be upbeat for them. I actually am feeling much better about myself. But xhusanbd does show vindictive actions, and knows what words to use against me.

That is hard, cause I didn't realize that this man was capable of doing this. I didn't know that this man would go to these levels of getting control. That is what hurts, so I failed in choosing the right partner. I failed in not seeing the signs before. Is that right?

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Faith4me:
<strong>I failed in choosing the right partner. I failed in not seeing the signs before. Is that right?</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Hi Faith,

I'll look on your new thread again later, but did want to respond to this comment you made.

You know what? Don't be too hard on yourself! When you fell in love with SNL all those years ago, and then married him, you weren't dealing with the same man that you are today.

I know that in my case, I will **never** regret being with my first husband for 20 years, because without him I wouldn't have my children. And there *were* some very good years mixed in with the bad. I'm sure you have some of those same thoughts, right?

You are right. I did choose this man, because I loved him. That man. I choose this man, because of his at the time, committment, love, wanting children, we had 4 beautiful children. I loved this man for many things, that I was looking for. He has some flaws, but so did I, and that is part of the growing process.

I don't regret marrying this man, but it just hurts so much. Not as much as it did a year ago, or more, but it STILL hurts.

I am moving on, and getting my life in order. I am making changes in myself, and creating the person that I am to be. I am a loving woman, with a great big heart. And someday, I will find someone that will love my heart for my heart.

Going through a divorce, brings out the ugliness in all of us. Both partners have their hearts torn and bleeding. In time, the healing process will start, and the mending will take hold, and the healing will begin. That is where I am. That is where I have started my life now. My husband did have a sexual affair, with a lunatic, a woman that used him. He did lied to me and the kids. He lied to the family. He did so many deceitful, vindictive things during his affair with this lunatic. And he realized that this woman used him, and took what she could. Not giving him anything, cause she gave the same story of woe is me, I can't afford, etc. My husband has a torn heart, and he is suffering. I believe, I still love him, but the change in me is that I can live with this hurt, and I can move on. In time I do hope that my husband heals, and gets his life together. Right now, this man is taken over by Satan, and using vindictive actions, and mean statements to hurt me. He has been successsful, and I realize his actions are out of his bleeding heart. It still hurts, but I am going to forgive him, in my time.

My counselor told me things will get worse, and First step told me the same. I didn't believe them, cause I thought we both could finally start healing. But the truth is it is getting worse. Hard to believe things from the professionals, but I should of realized what they said was the truth. Also, my lawyers told me the same thing.

I do feel like a failure. And that is going to take time to heal. It is my doing, and my goal, to get through this too. Life has made many changes, and many difficult steps. That is why I have to still be in counseling, and on medications to help me get through.