Thanks for all the insight everyone. Im purty comfortable with how things turned out. Our marriage was never really GREAT. We had good times at first, but it was obvious we were not really compatible or on the same page. Especially with finances and interests. Our divorce as much as I really didnt want to do it, was for the best. We would have gone through the same thing 10yrs down the line....Im sure of it. Our issues never went away, they were always there lurking. I have to concentrate on my fiance now....she is so important to me. As I have said, she is my best friend and lover. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

I think that sometimes the reason people can&#8217;t (make that WON&#8217;T) forgive is that because after they have forgiven the transgressions, they can no longer blame everything on the other person.

I am specifically thinking of my dil, she blames everything wrong with their marriage on my son. He&#8217;s lied to her, she feels he hasn&#8217;t been there when he should have been, they have had physical confrontations (mutual abuse-how lovely)&#8230;and she feels free to bring these issues up each and every time they argue.

Once you let go of the grudge, you are stripped of its power. You can no longer use it as a weapon against your so. Some people feel they have to have to upper hand. In fact, my dil used to make my son say (supposedly as a joke) &#8216;Brandi is the master&#8217;. Now, we all know that there is a basis of truth there in that she was forcing him to acknowledge that she was the head of the house and what she says goes. Not the basis of a good marriage.

But, Itsover, I am confused here. You said that you couldn&#8217;t forgive your wife&#8230;that all your love died upon discovering the affair. Yet, later, you claim that you didn&#8217;t have the chance to forgive her and rebuild the marriage. Thorned Rose is right on&#8230;forgiveness is so you can be at peace with your actions. And you may never get the satisfaction of her groveling and begging your forgiveness. You have to forgive because it&#8217;s what your heart needs. And if your marriage was never really great, don&#8217;t blame everything on your wife&#8217;s affair. Take your share of the responsibility. No marriage ever succeeds because of one person---it takes two to make a marriage work.

But I think the Student is wrong in that marriages that recover after an affair are still broken, although they may be mended. My marriage has recovered and we still love and respect each other (and we were both ws&#8217;s)&#8230;it is better now than it ever has been. I think it&#8217;s wrong to make generalizations about anything because everything in the world is unique.

It&#8217;s great that you have found someone you want to build a life with and I&#8217;m sure you&#8217;ll acquire many tools from this site and the people on it to help you. Just be honest with your part in the failure of the first marriage and make sure not to make the same mistakes this time.