So Aly, are you calling me a woman? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Since SF is like fell off my list. I do somewhat agree with you as far as the "stereo-types".

I think it's really important for a "single" person to do a thorough self examination of their needs. As a single person I need A, B, & C to be happy and feel that I am living a rewarding life. But all to often that self examination is replaced with a temporary fix of bringing another person into our lives to "make us whole".

Wow---this is great to think about and hear all these responses. I have been very aware of needs and desires lately which were hard for me to feel in my "wonderfully fulfilling" M. I am not sure I understand the question, though (which is always the case for me)

1. What are our emotional needs as a single person?
or
2. What needs are important to us in another R?

I would like to think about #1. As a single person, I need to know I am loved.( by God, my sons, friends)

As a single person, I need to have people in my life that understand me. I do need some of my feelings validated or I feel very lonely.

As a single person, I need to have input and sharing from others to help me clarify where I am going.

I need to have fun cause the seriousness of life can rob me of joy so recreation is a biggee for me.

I need to be around beauty and things that function properly. There is nothing like reading a book sitting on a porch with birds singing, beautiful flowers blooming, summer breezes blowing and comfy, pretty colored porch furniture.

I need a sense of accomplishment and have to use my skills and abilities to some degree throughout the day......Creativity helps me to know who I am, too.

I have realized that I need to share my life with someone and I love marriage and all that it can contribute to myself and others BUT I wonder if we have to have ALL we need.

This is great stuff to think about.

TW

I have an emotional need to:
- Treat a lady like a lady
- Hold her hand during X-Men 2, Matrix: Reloaded, The Incredible Hulk, Tomb Raider 2, Pirates of the Carribean, Terminator 3, etc.
- Negotiate bribes so she's actually with me in these movies. LOL
- Negotiate bribes so that I'm with her and she's holding my hand in all the "other" movies.
- Be told when I have severely under-dressed yet again. "You mean Wrinkle Release Spray ISN'T the same as freshly laundered?!?"

Bill,
I'm glad to hear your response. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> I agree about being a whole person. This is what I'm working at everyday. This is why I can't give you a exact list.
I don't want to confine myself too much. I want to be open to men and not have some unrealistic standard in my head.
Lyxa,
Idea. Go to a few of these movies alone and bring a flash light to look around. Maybe she's there?
Any woman that doesn't want to go to these movies with you, because she enjoys them also, isn't worth your time. Plus, it's a waste of a good seat. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Aly

You know, the biggest thing that I feel is missing in my life is the stability and 'thought' that someone cares. I take my children to a soccer game, and just wish that someone was at home, caring if we made it home alright. I find myself at work, being late because of an emergency, and I wish that someone cared. I find myself wishing that there was someone that cared about what was happening to our family. I feel the 'need' to think that my boys lives are paramount, not only for me, but for their mother. But she has decided to continually miss soccer games, practices, etc. so she can "be out of town". I know it just doesn't matter, but it still is sad.

But then I realize that even during the last few years of our marriage, I didn't have that. She only cared that I was late, because she had to be dealing with our boys alone for a longer period. I realize that the only reason she cared that I come home at all was so she could 'tag' me with the boys so she could go see her lover, or she could just 'check out' and take a nap.

All the others are important, but I have no thoughts that they will be filled in any short order. Some time and some day there will be a woman that fills these needs for me. I have no doubt. I also feel the need to care about someone. This EN is not discussed, but is a huge factor for me. Having someone to focus energy and love upon. I don't know what you would call it, but I feel the NEED to care about someone other than my boys. I derived much satisfaction from trying to surprise, respect, love, and care for her. That need is no longer useful, but still is as strong or perhaps stronger than ever. But right now, I feel as though my life is almost on hold, trying to figure out how to live in this new existence.

No needs are being filled by my ex. There is absolutely nothing that she does that fills any need, and actually is the cause of several of the difficulties that would be soothed by a person who cared. I sometimes just feel so alone in trying to get some bearing on my boys future. This is what is difficult. That is the need of THIS divorced man.

<small>[ May 17, 2003, 12:50 PM: Message edited by: Formerly Confused ]</small>

Affection

Honesty and openess

Conversation

Family committment

Financial support

Thanks for the nice comment Aly. But, I learned through careful study of life that there is a policy that MB does not discuss...
- Policy of Bribery-based Compromise (PBBC)

PBBC fills the gray area when you can't enthusiastically come to an agreement. PBBC states that each spouse must sometimes pony up time and effort to do things they don't like for the sake of the relationship... but that they should be rewarded for doing so.

Example: I would rather be tortured with cold water and electricity than sit through Maid in Manhatten or yet another "transformation" movie where some female lead goes from being an unpopular wallflower to a sexpot dynamo... ala Miss Congeniality... BUT, if you BRIBE me with a good meal, a massage, and pony up several viewing of Matrix: Reloaded... I'm yours.

On the flip side, if I want several viewings of Matrix: Reloaded... you have the right to be bribed into enthusiastic agreement.

Ideally, I'll be a bit more careful in my dating from here on out and make sure we share some key interests before remarrying. I wonder if Carrie Moss is available... <dang, she's married and pregnant right now!!!!>

<small>[ May 17, 2003, 07:55 PM: Message edited by: Lyxa ]</small>

Lyxa, FC, and LH,
I hope when I start dating again I find guys like you.
All the things you guys are asking for are exactly what I wanted to give my WH. For him it was never enough.
I truley cared about him and his needs. I cared that he was all right and safe.
I love sci-fi action movies and ended up dragging him to a few.
I wanted to spend time with him but would allow him time to himself.
I didn't care about money, just family.
I listened to his troubles. I tried to help him and console him.
I cooked for him, cleaned our house, took care of the children when all the other women were working and sending their kids to day care.
I even cut his hair regularly.
All I wanted was to be loved, respected, treated like a lady and most of all appreiciated for all I did.
Like I said, it was never enough.
My love bank for him is over drawn.
He asked me last week what it would take. I gave him the name of a marriage counselor. He refused.
I know someday he will see and know what he has lost out on in me but by then it will be too late.
It already is.
I spent so much time taking care of his needs I didn't realize he wasn't taking care of mine.
He's got a copy of LB but he hasn't read it.
FC, I care. I care that you are safe. I care that you are taking good care of your boys. I care that you had a good day at work and that people treated you fairly.
Bill, I know you are so connected. You are truley in touch with who you are. Your children will have you as a role model. The men they marry will be like you. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />
Lyxa, I had to go see Daddy Daycare today. I think you know my pain. Yes, some women really do like action flicks better. I'd rather see a sci-fi anyday over a chick-flick. I have 2 daughters that are 10 and 14. I'm doing all I can to teach them about this. They want cheerleading and I want soft ball. I'm hoping to get through to them by high school.
Well guys, I hope in some way, through my ramblings, I made some sense. I'm going for a glass of red wine and going to bed.

your friend,
Aly

LH,

Awesome topic! Really makes me think that there is no difference between a partner having needs and not getting them met and those who don't have partners having needs and not getting them met..."WE" are all in the same boat!!!

I almost typed that the only difference I see is when you have a partner at least some needs might be met...but then I realized even without a partner you can still get some of these needs as well...so there is really "no" difference!

ANNA

Aly,

It'd be all fun and games until one day we start Harley-bashing... y'know, "Well on page 15 of HN/HN it says XYZ..." <makes the neener-neener face>

"Oh yeah! Well, LB page 87 noted that ABC..." <sticks tongue out>

...next thing you know we'd all have our eyes poked out and Dr. H would have to coin a new term for the "Rebounder/Rebounderee" forum... where people from the DV forum get to come and play mediator.

;-)

<small>[ May 17, 2003, 10:37 PM: Message edited by: Lyxa ]</small>

I also would like to feel that somebody cares. I desperately miss the companionship - going places & doing things with another person. Yes, friends are there for support sometimes, but they get busy with their own lives and I am left ALONE . . again. I hate it. I find myself talking out loud to no one sometimes. Or want to tell my friend something funny but they dont laugh. My H wouldve understood. I miss the understanding & the sharing & the humor. Someone to go drive to the store with in the middle of the night cause we'd get an ice cream craving or something. This is all very hard. And I hate it.

But the one thing I know I must not do is Rebound into another relationship to find that "quick fix". I must learn & discover new ways of feeling fulfilled (yet to happen). SOmetimes Im okay & like my privacy & other days I cant stand teh silence & have no one to talk to. Feeling like if I disappeared off the planet, that no one would even notice!! Im now beginning a WHO AM I and WHERE DO I FIT IN ?? complex.

Bill, have you heard of a book called "The Search for Significance"? Got a religious base to it, but boy is it a doozy. Some heavy reading - but SO TRUE. Basically, I see that FEAR is controlling me. Fear of not being perfect at things, of being laughed at, rejected again etc. Its an excellent book that I have not ever seen mentioned here.

Also, I wanted to ask you - does any church in your town offer the "Divorce Care" program. I know you would love it. I am not a religious person really, but someone told me about it & I went. It was near the end of the series, but it starts again tommorrow. About 12 videos - 1 each week. You meet in small groups afterward to discuss your experience/emotion etc or what meant the most to you from the video. It has a religious basis that is not overpowering. All the people I have met are very nice & supportive & we are all in different stages. Many have been divorced for years, though for me it is only months. (Topeka). The one on forgiveness was a big ouch. But we can be "willing to be willing to forgive" and it doesnt mean that what the those who hurt us did was ok or that they're "off the hook" (up to God on that one!) but that we are not going to let anger & bitterness control our lives anymore. That one hit me bigtime. I dont want to feel like I am bottling up the hurt instead - I DO just want to let it go.

Theres a website to check it out. www.divorcecare.org I think?

For those who have finished this series or done it more than once at this church, the group leaders are starting a Boundaries program! based on the Townsend book. There is a video series for that too! Thats next. I have to get thru these next 12 weeks of Kleenex first!!

We got together in the interim and watched a video from the Gary Smalley Series on personality types - whether you are a Lion, Otter, Golden Retriever (me) or a Beaver! Very interesting & very true!! Check out the Divorce Care program in your town!

CLG.

ATW,
I looked up the support group. Thanks. This sounds great!
I think a lot of us could use this kind of support.
I'm sorry you feel so alone.
I guess I felt so alone, in my marriage, for such a long time, this is not much different.
It's taken me a long time to build up the strenth to do this. He is a very controlling man. I feel free from his control now and am finding, without the stress of living with him, I am able to enjoy the little things in life so much more.
The whole affair thing happened to me a couple of years ago and I've had time to get counseling, go to school, and start to figure out what was so wrong with our marriage and why it was so hard.
My STBXH is narcissist and had been both verbally and physically abusive. What I learned, through counseling, is he has to admit to himself he is this way before we could work together to fix the marriage. He wouldn't. Like an alcoholic, he is in denile.
When I finally realized all I was doing was in vain, I was able to work on myself and find the strenth to move on.
I don't know if he had stopped being unfaithful and I could see the physical abuse coming again.
I had to move on.
He still wants to be with me. He isn't willing to stop blaming me for his unfaithfulness. He isn't willing to look at himself. He wants to keep controling me and expects me to forive and forget.
I know this isn't the answer. I can forgive. I will not forget.
You sound like you are at the beginning of all of this. I hope you can find the strength that I have and see that you are worth more than this.

your friend,
Aly