And be careful at schools. My ex is a 4th grade teacher and had the assistant principal (woman) take naked pictures of her so she could send them to her lovers.

Just because they look sweet and you would expect that the position would have people with character doesn't mean a thing.

Now FC... does the genre matter? Like, if I'm in the sci-fi section, do I rule out all female contact? How about the self-help section about dating and relationships - or is that too obvious?

LOL. I love the approach philosophy. I seem to have an ability to meet women at 7-11 that start out great and then quickly go sour.

Basically you never know when or where you will meet someone.......most of the time its when and where you least expect it. Also, I mentioned that church is a great place to meet someone.....YES it is, but there are screwed up people there also. I cannot tell ya how many people in my former churches were having affairs. Even when we had sermons and messages on adultery. Heck, my EX was having an affair with a guy in our choir. He was married also. There IS no perfect place to meet someone, it will just happen. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

my X and her family are professional teachers, and very dependent upon children for esteem.

they had difficulty relating to the outside world and reality. . .

teachers have the inbred problem of looking at the world constantly through the eyes of children.

teachers have a job that advances others from point a to point b year after year. in the real world, we have to advance ourselves from point a to b to c to d to e or otherwise we lose our place

most teachers only marry other teachers for some of these reasons. . . . the highest divorce rate at my X's school was between teachers with non teaching mates, both male and female, did not matter. easily more than 50% did not survive versus less than 25% of teachers with teachers or with housemakers. . . and this is a 20 year statistic over a wide range of age groups

wiftty

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<small>[ May 20, 2003, 11:41 AM: Message edited by: WhenIfindthetime ]</small>

wow... I never thought of teachers that way. But, it makes sense. My career revolves around the systematic break down and reconstruction of software systems... I tend to view people and relationships in much the same way. It predisposes me to be being overanalytical... when people often have only 1 layer of agenda... I'm looking for 7.

Wow -
So glad this thread is active! I agree with several who posted who said you never really know when you're going to meet someone special.

I wasn't even thinking of dating someone and "poof" it just naturally starting moving that way.

Now, I don't know about any of you - but I find that the challenging thing is dealing with issues when they come up with the person you're dating. No ones perfect and we all know what our own issues are. We also know what our own personality flaws are.

I do have to catch myself sometimes in situations where I used to "over-react" etc.

I think the good news is that I'm more aware of myself now than I was when I was married. I'm much more in tune with what is acceptable and not acceptable. I'm quite surprised to see that not all guys are like my XH - which is a BIG relief.

I feel like POJA is naturally working in my relationship now. We talk, we compromise, we agree, we agree to disagree.

What challenges are you facing now based on your prior marriage/relationship(s) in your current relationship now?

Would love to hear from you all.

Llama

Formerly Confused,
Thanks so much for suggestions on how to meet nice single men. I am a bit shy, and my self-esteem really took a blow during the divorce and everything. So, I am not that confident, especially when it comes to meeting guys. I'm terrible at small talk, makes me self-conscious. I don't live near a bookstore that has a coffee-shop, but the scenario you painted sounds delightful, and hopefully I'll get to try it. I'm just so afraid I'll meet a dud, then I won't be able to get rid of them.
I'm so out of things, that also I'm afraid I won't be able to tell if I'm being hit on. I guess for now I'll stick to the church scene, it seems innocent enough. I'll let yall know. Tomorrow night I think I'll attend another church and check out the singles. Thanks for all the help and suggestions everyone!
KK

OK----here is a challenging one for you--- Where does a 55 yr old women meet guys to date?

KK2002---- Riffraffe suggested www.eharmony.com and that is what I was going to suggest. I heard about this matchmaking ministry on Focus on the Family last year and I am dying to find someone who has tried it. I cannot qualify to send in a profile, I don't think, cause I am only legally separated and probably not ready for dating anyway.

The Focus on the Family broadcast last year made me weep cause the stories were so incredible. They match people up after praying for God's wisdom and some of the matches were astonishing adventures in true, committed love. I have the date of the broadcast written down somewhere if anyone is interested in getting it from FOF archives.

TO ALL THE SEASONED DATERS: This whole dating thing and needing someone is really bothering me. Why is the need so great for some people to have a spouse and for some people the need is not so great????????????? I am feeling like I have spent my whole life wanting a good marriage and never being able to attain it. I worked endlessly on my past M and it did make a difference but look where it ended. Now I find myself still wanting a good M and I do not like living alone. The single life is so one-dimensional. Will I spend the rest of my life longing for something I feel will never happen? (Wow---where is confidence when you need it) I am fine when I am out at work and doing things but the minute I spend more than an hour in my apartment, I am feeling so alone and feel as though I am a loser or inadequate because I cannot be happily married.

Sorry, Llama, that I don't have a dating story for you but I have been reading so much bout dating on this forum that I guess I need to deal with some of these baffling feelings I am having.

TW

I've been divorced about a year and a half and I've decided to take some time away from dating to get to know myself. I'm just begining to accept the fact that I had an affair and the impacts that has had upon me, my ex-spouse, and our families.

The trouble I'm having is that I am still connected emotionally to my ex-spouse and ex-boyfriend. I've told both recently that I need some distance so that I can sort through my emotions and move on in my life. It's not working too well and I'm feeling very selfish.

I can't explain why I still want to maintain friendships with them and they with me - it's very odd. I know intellectually that I'm no longer with anyone; yet there are times when I feel I should still be their friends. I still get a lot out of our friendships, even though it is hard at times.

I don't think I'd be doing any man any favors by dating right now, I need to straighten things out first. Also, I'm not into casual dating. Since this is the first time in my adult life when I haven't been in a relationship, I'm trying to ensure that I am ok by myself. I sort of rationalize by saying that I'll be a better person in a relationship once I know who I am; I'll have more to bring to the table.

tossedwave,
thanks for suggesting the eharmony again. I think I will check it out. I didn't realize that Focus on the Family (which I love) did a radio show on it. If James Dobson likes it, it must be good. I would be very interested in knowing the date of the broadcast, so I can order it from the archives.
I know what you mean about the single life, and it is even tougher with kids still at home, making all the decisions and being the mom and dad both. (My X hasn't contacted me or the kids in almost 4 months). It does get lonely at night after the kids are in bed, i must admit. Hang in there, Tossed Wave. God will have someone wonderful for you, I'm sure. I will let you know how eharmony goes.
Take care everyone,
KK

bump

I HAVE BEEN ON A FEW DATES, BUT REALLY AM NOT TOO INTERESTED. I AM 44 AND REALLY DON'T KNOW EXACTLY WHERE TO FIND VERY MANY INTERESTING PROSPECTS.
I DON'T MISS THE MARRIAGE THING, AND WILL PROBABLY NEVER DO IT AGAIN. I LIKE BEING ALONE, AND THE PAST YEAR AND A HALF HAS BEEN A WONDERFUL TIME TO GET TO KNOW "ME" AND I THINK I AM CONTENT WITH JUST BEING BY MYSELF.

KK2002---I'm sorry but I can't find the date of that eharmony broadcast on Focus on the Family. I do believe you could do a search on FOF and find the broadcast to listen to. It is worth the effort of searching.....at least last year I found it very touching.

TW

Okay... so I met this really really cool foreign student named Gabriela. Very cool. Everything is going fine... we're chatting... no problems. Suddenly we're talking about going to see X-Men 2: United... and I'm like Wooo hooo!

...and then about an hour later, it hit me, "I'm going on a date with someone I approached and asked out." And I got so twisted up inside. I called her and temporarily postponed it, but in talking with her, all the concerns went away. This must be the "raw" thing they talk about emotionally when you start dating again. The important thing is that she told me that <imagine a sexy italian accent> "ah gahee who cahnt dahnceh should NAHT bee dahteen et ahll!" I'm so doomed if that's true!

But here's the interesting (to me) thing, on Match.com and a lot of the dating sites... almost EVERY SINGLE woman notes that she LOVES DANCING. If you check the guy profiles... almost none of them say that. What is it with women and dancing? Geesh, it's bad enough I had to get all dressed up... now you're going to make me humiliate myself to music?!? <facetitious> Oh, and everyone works out at the gym 3 - 5x a week.

Later, I met this gorgeous redhead... have been talking with her quite a bit these past few days... nothing set up there... but it's definitely assumed. So, life does move on... just sporadically. I also had a brief run in with the other redhead at the dental office. I seem to do very well (or at least feel like I do) up until it comes time to either set a date or get the phone number. And, if I get that, I get all twisted up... and if I don't get it, I get all twisted up.

Twister anyone?

sorrento, you are where i'm at, and right now God has made it abundantly clear that i need to be in boundaried fellowship. (i'm Christian). let me just say that i encourage you in your decision to not rush things and make yerself a more viable 'relation-ship-er'. more about the fellowship, tho, if you can find safe, 'truly' Christ centered fellowship, put it out there and try it. it's the best. ideally, a mixed group of singles and marrieds, reduces the 'meat market' factor. eharmony.com , go to the sight and check out Dr. Warren's books and the like, now there's a site of the caliber of this one. i can't recommend it highly enuf! BUT, only if yer ready yerself, emotionally. 'Check it', yer emots, that is. work it thru, there's time, and there's God, uh, yeah, and there's God, too!!!

hey lyxa, yer like raw hamburger, yer emots and everything, dust ain't settled. it's tuff goin solo, but unfortunately, time is needed. i wish you God's blessings at this time, for healing and regrouping. gotta dig yerself, number one, b4 the 'twister' will settle down. get hooked up too fast, and you might find a hurricane. me, 3 yrs out now, did the same thing yer doin', and now, gainin some health, thru time, see my last post

Hey Riffraffe,
What is boundaried fellowship? That is neat that you are so being led by God. It is hard to be still sometimes, and listen to his voice, but he is there for us.
Thanks for the tip on eharmony. I'm filling out the info...wow, it's like 20 pages long, and will see what happens.
KK

howdy KK, 'boundaried fellowship' is my own, i guess. the way i see it is this: in a fellowship situation, there can be singles, couples, kids and so on. divorcees, struggling marrieds, you name it. when people start to bond, i guess there is a chemistry there. BUT, that same chemistry that makes you vulnerable, can prove to be alluring. that's where the dynamic can begin to change. once you get 'paired off,' the dynamic changes and, well, you short-circuit the needed growth time required for healing. i am just beginning to realize these things.(3 yrs out from divorce, and way too much dating stuff) hey, we all know it feels 'so good' to be wanted, needed, etc. i contend that it takes time to become a viable candidate. if the goal is 'couple-ship', that's easy to accomplish. if the goal is 'love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faihfulness, gentleness and self-control' (the fruit of the Spirit, Galatians 5:22). we don't perfect these things of course, but hey, there's gotta be a glimmer, some fruit, and 'vertically', i.e., with God, is the only perspective. its the only one that can really nurture, heal and forgive. i would also recommend "Changes that Heal" by Dr. Henry Cloud. and "Finding Contentment" by Neil Clark Warren.--- yer in a very safe place, first with Jesus; - lemmee know how eharm goes! God Bless!!!- yer favorite riffraffe <img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" />

<img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> Bookstores!!? IF I remember correctly Ted Bundy Met women in bookstores!! Be careful! he also hung out at malls and health clubs! Be careful with anyone now today. I am not paranoid but you never know. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Embarrassed]" src="images/icons/blush.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />