I have not been on here for quite sometime now. Since my ex-fiancee left me 1.5 years ago - I have been vigilant in learning about relationships. I have seen a local counselor probably 10 times or so and have read up on the subject to nausea. Seperate, but perhaps a related issue is that I am quite the over-analytical guy. Anyway, here is my question.

My fiancee of 3 years left me about a year and ahlf ago. I made 3-4 months of tough efforts to get her back (even got her to try MB over the phone once, but then she wouldn't do a 2nd session despite my pleading). Looking back I could have done more, but I would say I did much more than most. Anyway, shortly after we were in my mind for sure done (aka-I had lost all hope because despite my best efforts to reel her back in she kept moving farther away and I could only take so much). I clearly made so many mistakes. Boy if I only knew then what I know now - right? So shortly after the "lost hope" time I quickly started to date another girl (current girlfriend and yes most likely a bandaid at the time). Anyway, despite my massive undertaking of learning about relationships I still feel like a dark cloud looms over my world. I am sure that if my current girlfriend was so great than I might forget about the ex. I know current gf is a good woman, but my ex just really set the bar high. Sure I may be setting an unrealistic view now of what the ex was/is, but I know she did in fact set the bar high. Over a year and ahlf has gone by and I still think about my ex 15-25 times a day and am compelled to write a letter like this. Her and I went through so much and it feels beyond shakesperean how our story ended. Basically, it sucks! The best days of my life were with her and everything else has been fairly dismal ever since. She dated a few guys at the end, whcih is one of the reasons why I gave up (I was one of like four). I try on purpose sometimes to try and find a way to not like her or see a big fault just so I can move on, but I can't and it's not authentic anyway. She also pretty quickly did what I did and moved in with someone new. Okay, finally to my question. I I have come a long way in my healing (although reading this I suppose that's arguable, but really I have and it has been tough). I lost my best friend, lover and well as she would say "the person I love more than anything". I am close to calling her to see if maybe we could meet for coffee or lunch or something, but I am afraid that if I see her eyes up close and she still maintains no opening or even slight hope for the future that all my healing thus far will be set back and that I will lose more of my life. I know courage is rewarded and I suppose my question is this. Is it more courageous for me to go talk to her or to let it go already? More tha anything I would like a chance to reconcile, but part of me feels that it just isn't realistic. Meaning as early as last Christmas i sent her a card and she knows my intentions and knows how much I care. The other side is that I feel I probably have knocked on the door enough and that it isn't that hard for her to find me and open it. Please help as this has gone on for so long and I am weary. I also feel like I would settle for friends just to know her, but not sure if I could authentially pull it off yet.

Any and ALL RESPONSES VERY MUCH APPRECIATED!! If the Harley's or any counselor's could chime in - that'd be great too! Thanks Jack.

Let it go.....it it was meant to be you would not be where you are today. Forget that "set the bar high" crap and concentrate on the great things your new gf has to offer. Ya know what? My EX had a bachelors degree in EE and was a brilliant woman...probably the smartest person I have ever met. She was extremely talented also....but, she was a biaaatch to everyone. Yeah she set the bar high....I guess, but her personality ruined her. My fiance is not as book smart and doesnt have huge talent in any one particular area as my EX did, but ya know.....she is sweet, beautiful, kind, loving and my best friend and lover. Sometimes your mind can be snowed by the things that mean the least.....ya know what I mean???? Good luck and go kiss your GF!!!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Thanks for the CANDID response. Really do appreciate it. I can tell you that even my counselor said "jack I believe waht you say about your ex and I am going to discount that by 50%" - There are more like her out there NOT A LOT and probably hard to find, but they are out there".. I was like so where is the encouraging news. I get what you are saying, but the Ex and I enjoyed the "honeymoon" period for the first 2 yrs of our relationship, shared A TON... and well still 1.5yrs later I find myself thinking about her 20 times aday, when I go to friend's weddings I think of her not my current GF, when I think of compromising I feel like I only owe it to one person (my ex). Just tired of feeling like a dark cloud constantly looms over my head. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

Jack72....think about this....do you really think your EX is putting this much thought into you and what she lost in you? Dont you want to be with someone who wants you as much as you want them??? It seems to me you are placing to much emphasis on losing your EX and what yall HAD, than what your EX is putting into losing you. She must have thought yalls times together were alright....nothing more, or she would have made herself available again to you by now. Dont let your past ruin the future with you current GF. Have a good one my friend.....and God Bless! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

FYI: Harley's do NOT post here.

ITSOVER- thanks again and some of what your saying is re-sinking in.. LOL... This is sort of how I feel sometimes... I feel like there were say 100 women in front of me lined up from 1st place to 100th place in terms of ranking. I feel like my ex was 1st place and now 1st place is gone. So I went to 2nd place and now tht I have 2nd place, well it is certainly better than the other 98, but still the memories of having 1st place remain.. Make any sense..

CHRIS-CA123- too bad they or other counselor's don't spend time posting. I know they are busy but what a great way for them to help and gain further isnight into what people are going through.. Thanks for the info though.

What made your EX a #1??? What makes her "better or higher ranking" than your new GF??? All people have their qualities, but did your EX just fit all your needs or what. Education, money and those kinds of things mean nothing really. It is how a person is that counts.

<small>[ May 23, 2003, 01:49 PM: Message edited by: ITSOVER ]</small>

She was able to fit in socially anywhere, she was competent in being able to help me do things (I felt with her I had a bonfide partner not a spongue or a backpack). We just seemed to naturally click I suppose. She new how to make me happy ... the relationship with her for a long time seemed to flow like water.. Everyhting just kind of went easy and it was good.. Current relationship is just a lot more work all the way around it seems.

Maybe both of them arent the ones to be your life long partner. I dont know, that is up to you to contemplate, I just dont think you should put all of your free thought into the EX.....its not healthy. You will be using her as a measuring stick from now on and will probably never give another female a legitimate chance. Was your EX all that really?.....or are you just remembering the good times only? There had to be something NOT quite right for it to end and for yall to start seeing others. Just my opinion.

ITSOVER- I keep searching desperately for some reasons why the ex was awful or why we would be destined to have not worked out. But honestly I made mistakes (big one was massive neglect when I started a company).. A made little things big tings.. Likely I would not do that again.. thanks for the words and the analysis.

I love to hear what others think!!!

Jack:

I am in the middle of horrid divorce after 27 years of marriage. My husband is narcisstic and admiration addicted so life has been difficult with him for a while. I wish I had opted out of the marriage a long time ago.

Your situation is unique in that you cannot get past the goodness of your prior relationship.
Many individuals such as yourself, who were left behind by a partner unwilling to continue, no doubt feel the pain in a different way.

I feel if your XGF was interested in restoring your relationship she would have contacted you again. The following is a wise saying which I keep on my refrigerator whenever I remember the good times in my marriage and forget the bad.

"When one door of happiness closes, another opens, but often we look so long at the closed door that we do not see the one which has been opened for us."

Good luck

AusPolly

I can think of a reason you're not destined to be together...

<take a deep breath> SHE CHOSE and IS CHOOSING TO NOT BE WITH YOU NOW.

Destiny aside, you have to respect her choice. Are you sure that you're not one of those hopeless romantics that would rather suffer on and on because "the more you suffer the more it shows you really cared"? <-- Green Day lyric.

AUSPOLLY- yes you are right. it is tough becaus eof the goodness and lack of badness. I am an analytical perosn and have had time to step back and take a look.. the honest picture is not a good one. It sshows tht I made a mistake in losing a great girl - period!!

Lyxa- perhaps the hopeless romantic does fit me.

She did say that she vowed to not be with me again because although being with me was the best thing ever, when we didn't work iot was the most hurtful thing she had to do in leaving.. In other words she vowed to not allow herself to hurt at that level again. She "closed the chapter" after we were through.. She was in a MAJOR car accident (should have died) and I saw her through that for 8 months - in fact I started a home business to care for her.. When she was healed and when I was neglecteing her and she got her settlement she sort of decidied she had been given a new life (back from the dead) and that she would close the book on her old life... Anyway, that is what she said...

I know this thread is getting pretty long.. But any advice and thoughts will surely be appreciated. Thanks to everyone and best wished to all!

So what do you think?

I am anxious to her other's opinions and/or related stories.

My gut says that I need to find my ex and talk with her (because I think of her and miss her everyday) and my gut says the current gf isn't quite right. However, this is the gut that decided my ex was not good enough awhile back too. So I suppose I am confused by my own gut feelings... aarrghh!!

<small>[ May 28, 2003, 01:59 PM: Message edited by: Jack72 ]</small>

Simply because you have righted all your wrongs and learned about relationships does not mean you should get back together.

She did say that she vowed to not be with me again

She "closed the chapter" after we were through..
She doesn't want to be with you and you haven't had any contact in 12+ months. No stopping here. Nothing to see. Move along...

My gut says that I need to find my ex and talk with her (because I think of her and miss her everyday) and my gut says the current gf isn't quite right.
Your gut is telling you what you want to do, not what is right for the situation.

Just because you lack a connection with your current girlfriend does not mean your your ex wants to get back together.

Hi CHRIS.

I get a lot of what you are saying. My goal in meeting would be to let the Ex know that I still care, I am still here and I am still interested.
She is now at the 1.5 yr mark with her new relationship also. It is usually about that time when people start to really evaluate the relationship they are in. The timing could be perfect (or I am manifesting an impossible dream in my head). Just tough because I really do think of her still 20 times a day and it has been that way ever since both I met her and she left.

Jack,

I am sitting here amazed really. You say she was perfect, but she was able to "close the chapter" on you after you had nursed her back to health, all the while starting a new company so you could stay at home to take care of her.

I think you have been smoking something Bud. I really do. She clearly is a person that can easily walk away from someone after she has gotten what she needed. It was just your neglect, because you clearly didn't neglect her when she was in great need. You were there.

I think you need to seriously reevaluate how you evaluate relationships. You sound like a love sick teenager, who fails to see reality. Lyxa pointed out that it was clear she didn't feel this was the best relationship going, which be definition means it would not be good for you, no matter how you rewrite history.

It seems to me you have indeed romantized this relationship, and you have done it at the expense of yourself and your present GF.

Please think about this.

God Bless,

JL

JustLearning-

Wow! A lot of good insight there. Well during when she was in the accident and I nursed her back (actually that is when I proposed to her) Figured it would boost her spirits at the time plus I really was going to propose to her fairly soon any how... Anyway, it was once she got better and started going to work that the neglect came into paly. Actually it was worse than that ..For some DUMB reason at that time (probably caught up in my new found fame as a Seriously Growing Entrepreneur)I decided that her and I might not work out (looking back I can see NO real good reasons for my assumptions)..Anyway, the irony is this..I engineered it so where she would break up with me..Knowing full well that the breaker-upper isn;t as hurt. The irony is of course that I lvoed her so much I wnted her to break up with me so she wouldn't be hurt..(or maybe so I wouldn't have to see her be hurt--psych 101).. ANYWAY, it was the dumbest, most inauthenti, egotistical, beyond regrettable thinking I ever engaged in. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

.......... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> ..........