That is a good one. I can honestly say I know how you feel. I think things like that boil down to what we are attracted to and how good it looks to other people. Really, you probably need to concentrate on what wonderful values you gf has. To me it took alot of soul searching and figuring out myself. Everyone has something good inside <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />
good luck

My gut says that I need to find my ex and talk with her (because I think of her and miss her everyday) and my gut says the current gf isn't quite right. However, this is the gut that decided my ex was not good enough awhile back too. So I suppose I am confused by my own gut feelings... aarrghh!!

You want what you can't have. This is very normal human behavior. You are searching for happiness and keep thinking it will come from someone else.
Then when you get what you want, you find out that you are still unhappy. Until you learn to be happy "just the way things are" in your life, you will be caught in this trap.

If your current girlfriend dumped you, I would venture to say that you would then be saying the same things about her. If not, why are you with her. Can you be alone?

I do not think any of this has to do with either woman, but with you. You get bored with things and are using this longing for your ex as a way out of facing reality.

Go ahead and call her. Maybe if she tells you that she does not want to get back together will help you to move on, even though it will probably make you want her more.

Interesting insight. I can tell oyu there is likely some accuracy to the statements. I use to have a saying that I invented and it was "Contentment is for the weak".. I have since changed that statemnt/thought to be "Contentment is for the lucky"... I may in fact feel the same way if the current gf leves me, but I still can't help but think (know) that my ex was outstanding and that when you've had 1st place that 2nd place is not really a prize.. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

why has this been and why is this so hard?? Any other insights, opinions or whatever welcome..Please <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Jack, I, too, relate to the wanting what I can't have romanticism, but since it's never worked, I'm trying hard to get over it.

My STBXH accused me of being in love with an old boyfriend from 25+ years ago because I romanticized him in my journal. I felt I was being neglected by my H (and in many ways, I was) and so I focused more on his shortcomings than on his assets and remembered how much old bf loved me (I pushed aside the obvious question: if he was so great, then why did I leave him?)

I'm only telling you about the part I played. My STBXH definitely did his part to destroy our relationship, including reading my journals and writing nasty comments all over them, verbal abuse, alcoholism, drug addiction, affair(s?), etc.

Anyway, his EN that he says I failed to meet was admiration. He left and moved in with MOW 2.5 years ago and still lives with her today. He hasn't worked since he left, I send him money from our business and pay his rent while he and MOW get high... Now I have a nice boyfriend who never yells, he's fun, he likes spending his free time with me, he's clean (X did not believe in toothbrushing or deoderant), he's also clean (no drugs) and sober, he doesn't smoke, sex is better, but now I'm romanticizing my STBX... focusing again on shortcomings rather than assets.

The difference now is that I'm willing to look at this behavior and I'm trying hard to change it. I'm finding that the answer is working on myself, being the best person I can be, and not trying to get my sense of myself, my self-worth, etc. from someone else.

JACK72:

The crux of the matter lies in what you said about “I engineered it so she would leave me”.
What truthfully led up to this? Did you suddenly find that you were extremely attractive to the opposite sex? Did you want to explore this? You don’t make this clear.
A long time ago, I was hopelessly in love with my GF (before I got married), and also experienced that “let’s date other people” phase in the relationship. We were CRAZY about each other, but it was almost as if it was a “test” of some sort, to see if we really would happy only with each other, since we were destined to marry. Anyway, we did, and I ended up insanely jealous. It was a crazy idea, but at the heart of it, I suspect, was the knowledge that instinctively I may have known I wasn’t really ready for marriage, and I think my GF wasn’t either. It broke my heart when we parted, but I had only myself to blame. I was still “in Love” with her when I met my ex-wife, but couldn’t see at the time how much BETTER in fact, my ex-wife suited me. She was a great! What an idiot I was to still burn a candle for J… when D…. was right there, and so much better (!) Point is, I just didn’t see it. I had romanticized it too much, along with a healthy dose of self-pity, the past just seemed a lot rosier than it really was.

I would forget about having a friendship with your ex if I were you—accept and move on. You will always be wondering if it won’t develop into something more. This ain’t good for you, buddy. You’ve asked her once to marry you— be thankful she’s turned you down for now. You don’t want to have any doubts about something like that, do you?

I would rather venture a hypothesis that your current longing for your ex may be indicative of an unhappiness with your current GF, more than anything else to do with your feelings for the ex.(?). If you cannot resolve or face current GF issues, you should be honest with her, and tell her – it would be the kindest thing you could do. Either that, or just tell her you’re not over the ex, and it’s unfair on her, and you cannot continue(?)
My guess is, like others have said, that if your GF were to leave, you would have similar feelings about her. Why not take a break? Take a weekend trip with some buddies, just do the male-bonding thing, and see how you’ve missed/ not missed your GF when you return? Maybe you need to see what yu’re missing? It can’t hurt.

I think Just Learning makes a valid point about your ex:
Look at the facts:
1. You looked after her for 8 months
2. She re-evaluated her life and planned to change it
3. You were not part of that plan

Women are experts at letting down gently—I think they fear reprisal, revenge, and can’t deal with guilt when they dump a guy. Imagine the guilt your ex felt, since you made such sacrifices for her? That whole explanation about how she was hurt, and wouldn’t allow herself to get involved with you again because of that, should be taken with a bag of salt. What’s the bottom line here? Rejection. Deal with it. It’s unlikely your ex will EVER change her mind.
Let’s look at her story:
1. He looked after me for 8 moths
2. Question—could I do the same? It would be expected
3. If I leave, I’m off the hook
4. He neglected me for the business
5. I’ll take this opportunity to leave (less guilt)
6. I’m still the more injured party

????
All I’m saying is, it’s POSSIBLE, isn’t it?

Lesson for the day---
If you’re dumped, ignore the reason! It doesn’t matter anyway—and more likely than not, is NOT the truth. Truth is only really important INSIDE a relationship. Once it ends, it ENDS.

My $200 worth. ( I take all major credit cards) <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

muzohead

It just sounds like to me that you truley love this girl and there is nothing wrong with that. I would slowly try to do some things to see if she is still interested. Maybe just go for some coffee. I left my husband 8 months ago. I wish he would make some kind of sign that he wanted to try to make it work. I have so much pride that I will not initiate it. There is nothing wrong with being truley in love, and it sounds like you are. Some people never find true love. There was a song "If you can't be with the one you love, love the one you are with" But if you can be with that person, then you should be. Life is too short. Do what will make you happy.

It just sounds like to me that you truley love this girl and there is nothing wrong with that. I would slowly try to do some things to see if she is still interested. Maybe just go for some coffee. I left my husband 8 months ago. I wish he would make some kind of sign that he wanted to try to make it work. I have so much pride that I will not initiate it. There is nothing wrong with being truley in love, and it sounds like you are. Some people never find true love. There was a song "If you can't be with the one you love, love the one you are with" But if you can be with that person, then you should be. Life is too short. Do what will make you happy.

LetSTry- Well I get a lot of what you are saying. However I still maintain that on paper and otherwise the ex was a better catch. My friends have said "it's obvious that current gf loves you, but your ex really complimented who you are"... Meaning I had a stronger, more capable and partner that I truly loved. Remember to that my ex was my first really serious relationship.

Muzohead- I engineered the brekup becuz I was an idiot. Looking back I beame (do to the success of my business) arrogant and thought I was somehting else. That coupled with little things she did that I turned into big things (which today I would NOT do) caused me to decide to engineer the break up. And KILLER analysis- thank you...it helped.!!

godhelpme- "truly love her"-oh for sure. That feeling is what makes this also so tragic and grey. I will always love her I know that (unless a serious smoking gun appeared that showed our entire relationship was a lie from day 1). It would be nice to see her again (I dream about it and when the dream seems real I get scared)...

Thanks again for all the responses, opinions and insights. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

This is meant to be blunt, not cruel, but ...

I feel sorry for your current girlfriend.

If she isn't good enough for you, or you think you could do better, which is apparent by what you've said (2nd place-ouch!) then by all means, "allow" her to break up with you, since you seem able to orchestrate that sort of thing. Or in a more mature, responsible way, communicate to her that you are unable to stop obsessing over your former girlfriend.

Don't be surprised if you regret that as well. It sounds like you've made up your mind that you won't be happy with anyone but your ex.

exPrincessButtercup- that does not help me much in dealing with my ex, but I certainly get your point. I would "let her go", but I want to make sure I am not repeating my cycle of dooming my relationships. I no longer trust my gut. It is a debacle. BELOW ares some FACTS about me and my situation:

1- My current gf is very nice and good person.
2- Current gf and me are off by 70 IQ points.
3- My ex I am guessing had a 30 point discrepancy in IQ with me.
4- I think I "connected" better with my ex.
5- I had 3 years of absolute magical bliss with my ex.
6- My ex and I shared some amazing experiences. her horrific car accident most notably.
7- I think of my ex very-favorably 20 times a day and it has been almost 2 years now.
8- I have felt underneath a dark cloud ever since my ex left me. Great days=good, good days=average and Average days-bad days...now..
9- I miss feeling the way I felt. I know what it feels like to truly-truly care for someone. I desperately miss that tpye of connection.

*I mention the IQ thing because Dr. Harley tlaks about it as fairly significant.

Jack

exPrincessButtercup- that does not help me much in dealing with my ex, but I certainly get your point. I would "let her go", but I want to make sure I am not repeating my cycle of dooming my relationships. I no longer trust my gut. It is a debacle. BELOW ares some FACTS about me and my situation:

1- My current gf is very nice and good person.
2- Current gf and me are off by 70 IQ points.
3- My ex I am guessing had a 30 point discrepancy in IQ with me.
4- I think I "connected" better with my ex.
5- I had 3 years of absolute magical bliss with my ex.
6- My ex and I shared some amazing experiences. her horrific car accident most notably.
7- I think of my ex very-favorably 20 times a day and it has been almost 2 years now.
8- I have felt underneath a dark cloud ever since my ex left me. Great days=good, good days=average and Average days-bad days...now..
9- I miss feeling the way I felt. I know what it feels like to truly-truly care for someone. I desperately miss that tpye of connection.

*I mention the IQ thing because Dr. Harley tlaks about it as fairly significant.

Jack

I feel like you've just proved my point. What I read into this is, you aren't happy with current gf because while she's good she's not perfect like ex-gf and can't compare BUT you don't want to "let her go" just in case you're wrong and feel even worse alone with neither than you do now with the one you have and don't want?

Exactly how much time have you spent being single since your ex-gf?

Shaking my head.

I have a high IQ so I do see some merit in the IQ argument. My XW was not as bright as me and it caused problems. She would comment that I was "so much smarter" than her.

Think outside the box. You have tunnel vision.

The answer is quite simple.

1. Although wonderful for a while, your fiancee was not the one for you.
2. Your current gf is not the one for you either. Your gut is telling you that. (maybe, keep reading)
3. Stop fanning that old flame (former fiancee) and driving yourself crazy. If she was interested, she'd come around. Women are that way. Do not contact your former fiancee.
4. Your current gf will NEVER be able to live up to the fantasy you've created in your head about your former fiancee. You're behaving just like a wayward spouse, except you're just doing the cheating in your head. You're probably looking for reasons to not like your gf.

Either love the one you're with or move along to another woman.

You keep doing everything but look down and take the road less traveled.

You're not happy now. What do you have to lose?

Don't string your gf along!!!

I think you NEED to get out of both of their lives
you seem to think to much of yourself.

I don't think you ought to be with either of them.
You don't think the one your with is smart enough, you think that she is not good enough for you.

your other one was too good for you and you turned her loose didn't want her. How do you think she felt..of course she would not want to be with you again. I bet she is well over you!
Otherwise she would have contacted you by now.

Do them both a favor leave them alone stop playing with their emotions.

Get on with your life and STOP breaking hearts and messing up lives and taking time out of peoples lives by playing games. You seem immature to me.
How old are you?
Keep on Keeping on..truck on down the road.. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />
sorry this has tinked me off..ALOT.

that does not help me much in dealing with my ex,
That's funny, because you do NOT deal with your ex in any way except in your head.

ex-PrincessButtercup- I suppose you are right in me proving your point. That is no doubt evident by our converstation. In terms of how long was I single before I started dating the current gf, I'd have to say basically zero days. Current gf was my backup plan as I started to lose hope and not be able t os spend much tiem with my ex. i started persuing her (lightly) while the ex continued to sepnd less time with me and let me go. I do of course realize most of the engative impications that my decision made for all parties. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> .. Something I believe I continue to regret.

father of 1, husband of 0- POW!! I think you may have completely nailed it. Or at least your thoughts resonated well with me. I have been thinking it over and despite that immense harm it amy do to me I am thinking I may give the ex one last call. It has been almost 1.5 years since we spoke. I figure if she meets me for lunch or coffee and I can chat with her it should give me an indicator to move forward or final closure. Either one would be welcome. We will see if I am actually that brave, but I have been pretty close to picking up that phone as of late. Again, fabulous insight and candor. May I ask how old you are?

SADEYES- I do think highly of myself, but not that high and less high as the days go on. To be honest I often regarded myself as a decent catch now I am not so sure. I am waaaay to cynical and negative these days and while I continue to work hard to improve there I am not there yet. I am still however a good catch and a good person. The IQ thing seriously was not a slam just a factual statement and one I thought I'd relay due to what I read on this site about it's implications. Despite my confusion in my head, while I am dating them I am for the most part great and try hard to meet the others needs. In my current relationship alothough she has drastically improved I really felt I was contributing 80% to her 20% (not 50/50). Lately she has stepped it up and it is more fair. I have to give her a lot of credit for that. Sorry if I come off as immature (perhaps in some areas I am). I am 30. I am extremely well read in areas of relationships (believe it or not -LOL), have owned a couple of booming businesses, etc. often kid people that I feel 30 going on 80. In relationships my ex was my first serious one.

CHRIS -CA123- Point well taken.

Thanks again for all the input. I can assure you that I am taking it in, I feel it is helping and perhaps this thread will help others as well. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

SadEyes- One more quick comment and that is this. believe that every single person is inherently selfish (they are either upfront about it, not upfront about it, or just don;t know it).. I believe every person operates in theri own best interests (making mistakes occasionally for sure).. I have been using this forum to speak extrememly honestly in hopes that I may find peace once again. I really feel as if I left my heart with my ex and even if she fully let's it go, I lack the ability to pick it back up.

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