HI Ruak,
I don't post here much anymore but your thread caught my eye. I lived in an abusive relationship for 20 years. My h is a changed man now. He finally got into counseling to find out why he did some of the things he did and is now on medication. People can change.

You have to get to a place that you can forgive youself, but of course you don't want to keep being abusive. Forgiving yourself is not excusing what you have done. You sound like you almost welcome some bashing. It may help confirm your thoughts that you deserve it. Maybe you do, I don't know. But the fact that you are here looking for help says you don't want to be this way. All the criticism in the world is not going to undo anything. You can't go back and change the past. You may have paid a great price for it, many do.

I don't know your spiritual stance and don't intend to preach, but God loves you just as much as he loves anybody else on this site or anywhere. He hates what we do sometimes but he loves us. He paid a much higher price for us than we can pay for anything.

Try to understand that you are important and worthy of love. Your actions were deplorable but as a human being you have worth. You cannot begin to heal until you seperate yourself from your actions, realize what you have done is wrong (and it sounds as if you have done that) repent (that means turn and go the other direction) and ask forgiveness. Then forgive yourself. Focus on what you can do for the good instead of everything you have done before now. It is a rough, rocky road to forgiving yourself, but if you don't begin to love yourself you will continue on a path of destruction.

Everybody makes mistakes and the only time it is too late is when you are dead and can no longer do anything about it.

I wish you the best in your road to recovery.

I'm not saying dicount everything and start over. But if you don't see yourself worthy, you will continue to try to punish yourself with more bad decisions. You cannot sacrifice enough to undo anything. Love yourself and get some good counseling.

Free