My wife started a job at on office eight months ago, guys began flirting with her and she enjoyed the attention. She would come home and tell me that the guys think that she is hot chick. The girls she was working with was having an affair with a married man whose wife was in the hospital with cancer. Talk about your morals. My W began to hang out with her and suddenly overnight she began changing, I should have seen the signs, but I was confident that my W would not fall into the trap and play into the mans game.
My W loved me very much and she would say it everyday, well to make a long story short she was befriended by this guy, who somehow made her resent me so much that all she wanted was him. She had an affair and said to me that our relationship was over. We were married 8 years plus 2 years dating. Now she has moved in with him, is totally in love with him and wants to be with him. She has pretty much left her responsibilities as a mother, wife and my friend for something new, something better she says, I am totally in shock and what made this worst was she did this on my birthday.
Six months into this affair, she has distanced herself from her family, her children and of course me. I tried a few times to talk to her, put some sense into her, make her realize the long term effect that will happen but nothing worked. She thinks of herself and no one else. What idiot would think that this is a good thing, certainly this OM has no morals. What makes my W think this OM is worth anything? Why would she give her kids for this OM? It is so sad that this happens in society, and the divorce rate is so high, everyone seem to think that the grass is always greener on the other side.
As for me I am still having hope, I love my wife and want to rebuild our marriage but she is not willing. She is having the time of her life right now. My kids are important to me at the moment, it is hard as a single person but i am surviving.

All Alone,

I'm sorry your going through this..

Have you read through all the information on this site?

Looking back at your marriage..what do you see might have been missing?

You said that this man shows her attention and admiration..so it sounds like she may have felt that need wasn't getting met..

So if that is something she felt has been missing
it is one of her highest needs at the moment..and
this man is filling it for her..

So how can you begin to meet that need? I'd suggest reading up on Plan A, reading over the Emotional Needs Questionaires..and other info at this site..

I realize you can't know your wife's most important emotional needs..but reading over that information and honestly looking within yourself
to answer the questions as to--did I do this in my marriage?? Did I support, encourage, and help in these areas? Or did I expect her to just know
or do it all alone?

The areas you find you where you may have fallen short ask yourself..Okay, How can I change that within myself?? And start there..

It may not bring your wife back...but it can help you learn more about what could have gone wrong--
and how to improve relationships in the future..

What difference does it make, i could have given her the emotional needs she so desired, but it would still have happen regardless. it is hard enough to balance work, kids, wife and other things. Unfortunately, something suffers, we don't live in a perfect society, nor any relationship been perfect. I flirt at my job all the time and yes I could have had an affair just as much as my W did, but I had the strength to overcome the temptation, and thought of something new. I realize that it is not worth it. As much as we learn from past mistakes, we are a creature of nature, and when it comes to relationships it will never change. Men will never understand women and vice versa.
I also think that god has a plan for each of us, sometimes things happen for a resaon.

When it comes to marriages...it makes a LOT of difference..

And maybe your right..maybe it still would have happened..but then again...Maybe NOT..

Your right, we don't live in a perfect world..and
all relationships have troubles..

But by meeting needs in your marriage your spouse is less likely to find other peoples advantaces appealing..or even get them to look another direction..

Apparently your wife was meeting those needs for you so you didn't feel a need to look else where..

Maybe if you made a comment like..."I agree, I think VERY hot too..those men are right"
it would have made a world of difference to her..

I couldn't help but notice that you are on this board instead of the infidelity general questions II board, a few scrolls down. Have you or her started divorce proceedings?

All alone again,

Listen to TR, she's right, it makes a lot of difference. If you want your wife back it is going to be hard now but I'd start by telling her you know she's hot and special and you can see why these men were attracted to her. Stop telling her these men are playing games because that makes her feel like you don't really think the same way they do, that she is very attractive and a very desireable woman. Women need to know this.

Which would I want to be with, some man who is telling me I'm beautiful and desireable or some guy who says "oh all those people are feeding you full of crap you aren't all that afterall"?

More than likely the man she wanted to hear it from more than anyone is you.

She's in her fog now, and getting her out is going to be so hard to do, but then again, you are in your own fog; a fog of not realizing how needs are so important.

I wish you luck,

ANNA

I have had my emtional problems with her as well. I believe in working things out. Had she spoke to me about it, instead of talikg to someone else, it would have never happened. Then again the friend who was also having an affair with a married man, did not care other peoples feeling or the damage it would have created.
yes, we are in the divorce stage, she wanted a divorce a few days after the affair occured. she decided that the kids were better off with me than with her. She told her brother that this OM did not want baggage, so she felt that this OM was more important. I now take care of our two kids, and they are what is important to me right now.
will i learn from this? Maybe and maybe not, this marriage was my second. Again, people just don't want to work out their problems and find the easy way out.
Right now I don't want her back, she is on cloud 9 and there is nothing I could say that will bring her down to reality.

Your WW(wayward wife) is 100% responsible for her choice to have an A(affair) but YOU share half of the responsibility, with her, on the condition of your M(marriage). There is no excuse for her A, but you may have contributed in creating the environment ripe for her A by using love busters against her. What are love busters? They are the habits that destroy romantic love, and they are categorized in the following way:

1.Selfish demands: Who wants to live with a dictator.

2.Disrespectful Judgements: Who wants to live with a critic?

3.Angry Outbursts: Who wants to live with a time bomb?

4.Dishonesty: Who wants to live with a liar?

5.Annoying Habits: Who wants to live with a dripping faucet?

6.Independent Behavior: Who wants to live with an inconsiderate jerk?

Since you expressed a desire to save your M(marriage) you have to look at how you own behavior may have contributed to the favorable environment for her A to occur. It does you no good to try to fill up her love bank, by fulfilling her top EN(emotional needs) if there is big hole, caused by your love busting, where most of your love deposits will drain out at the same time you put them in.

You may want to go to the infidelity boards like just found out and general questions II, and post your thread. Those boards have people that have gone thru or are going thru the same ordeal you are experiencing right now.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">
will i learn from this? Maybe and maybe not, this marriage was my second. Again, people just don't want to work out their problems and find the easy way out.
Right now I don't want her back, she is on cloud 9 and there is nothing I could say that will bring her down to reality.[/QB]</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">All alone,

I realize how bad you must feel right now but I really think you need to hear this, although I think I am talking to the wall.

Who is the one not wanting to work out problems? Are you so sure you weren't so stubborn that you wouldn't listen to her needs?

I had a counselor once tell my ex and I that many people go from marriage to marriage because they don't fix what is wrong. She said, "Why not fix this marriage?"

That sounds like what you are doing, you are going to be going on your third marriage if you don't fix what is wrong in this one...so Why not fix this marriage?

ANNA

<small>[ June 07, 2003, 10:57 AM: Message edited by: Anna2000 ]</small>

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Who is the one not wanting to work out problems? I think you were so stubborn you wouldn't listen to her needs.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Anna, even if AAA was fulfilling his wife's top 5 EN's, it would have been useless if he was engaging in love busting her. It's like trying to fill a water tank with a huge hole on the bottom.

AAA I highly advise you purchase and read Dr Willard Harley's books 'Surviving An Affair', 'Love Busters', and 'His Needs, Her Needs' as well as Michelle Weiner Davis's book 'Divorce Remedy'. And find a counselor especiallizing in saving marriage, even if you are the only one going. All of these suggestions cannot guarantee that your M will be saved, but they are your best shot of increasing the odds in your favor. And even if your WW divorces you, you will have had the peace of mind that you did everything to save your M but it was not your decision in the end.

Your WW may be on cloud 9 for now, but unless she and her OM(other man) learn the principles of maintaining a relationship happy and healthy, they will become just another statistic in the near future, and then your WW will have to live with her choices the rest of her life.

It takes two people willing to make this work. I want to fix our marriage. as i said at this point my W does not want to fix it because she has someone who is giving her everything she so needs.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by All Alone Again:
<strong>It takes two people willing to make this work. I want to fix our marriage. as i said at this point my W does not want to fix it because she has someone who is giving her everything she so needs.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Yes it does BUT it takes one person changing his/her behavior to have an effect on the other. How do you treat her when she sees the kids? Are you surly, disrespectful, sarcastic? or Are you courteous, respectful, flexible? How you treat her will either confirm or put in doubt her choice in having an A.

I treat her with scarcasim, disrespect etc. Is this bad, or just a normal behavior of the one who is hurting?

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"><strong>as i said at this point my W does not want to fix it because she has someone who is giving her everything she so needs.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">That may be YOUR perception, but you do not know for sure what goes on behind those close doors at his place between the two of them. For example, if your WW has ANY feelings of love for her kids, the fact that the OM has stated that he does not want them around, cannot but create a strain on their relationship that could eventually break it. If your WW becomes too much of a headache for the OM, he will have no qualms on dumping her [censored] on to the street. Keep an eye out if your WW all of a sudden wants to talk to you about you and the kids, for it may be a sign that things between her and OM are not as great as she has portrayed them to be. As someone here once said, stay cool and just enjoy the fireworks between the affairees.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by All Alone Again:
<strong>I treat her with scarcasim, disrespect etc. Is this bad, or just a normal behavior of the one who is hurting?</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">It's instictive, but counterproductive. If you were to treat her otherwise, then she MAY start to beleive that there just may be a chance to come back to you and rebuild the M.

AAA Put yourself in her shoes for a minute and ask yourself if you would feel safe to go back to your spouse if she couldn't stand the sight of you? I think you know the answer to that, right?. So if you want to work at saving your M you have to make it emotionally safe for her to come back to you. This does not imply that you have to kiss her butt and be a doormat that will be so glad to just take her back under any conditions, NO! it means that if she is willing to agree to end all contact with the OM, and that other so called friend of hers at work, as well as leaving her job, and following a marital plan of recovery along the lines of the Marriage Builders principles (incorporated in Dr Harley's books) then you will be willing to allow her to come back and agree to work your butt of to be the man she fell in love with many years ago. That's called negotiation, that's called Plan A.

<small>[ June 07, 2003, 12:27 PM: Message edited by: T00MuchCoffeeMan ]</small>

The fact that a mother could abandon her 2 small children so that the OM would not have to put up with this baggage makes a clear statement as to how little she loved her children. You are better off without her.

this women has no heart, to walk out on not only you but her children.

how devastating for them.
there is no answer you can possible give them to heal their broken hearts.

how do you explain to children your mommy left
and she didn't want to take you with her.
she cared about someone else more then her own babies how sad.

I am your struggling with trying to figure out how to explain it to them..what did you tell them?
do they expect her to come back?

I feel so sorry for you and the children, but I am sure you can go on with your children and teach them there is someone who loves them greatly.

God bless you and I will pray for you and the children.

when she comes out of her fantasy she is going to be in for a real shocker..she will try to get the kids probably because she will automatically figure they belong with her..but don't let her have them.

Be strong in the Lord and teach your children about God and morals.

remember the old saying:eek:
[QUOTE]You made your bed now sleep in it!!/QUOTE]

Keep on keeping on!

Thank you so much for your thoughts. I trully believe that my WW loves our kids, at the time of the affair she was taking them with her and staying at the OM apartment. I felt that it was devastating for my kids to be introduced to such a traumatic situation, and the selfishness of my W not to even think of what it might do to our kids. Here was a woman that before would not leave our kids with anyone let alone with her family for more than a couple hours. To completely trust this OM with our kids was not good judgement on her part.
I am totally sadden by the way my W has made her decision, seem like this OM is more important to her than her own children. On mother's day she promised that she would spend time with them and did not show up. I found out that she was out buy golf clubs and learning to play golf. Her birthday was Friday, the kids wanted to give her something but she ended up going to orlando with OM instead. At times I think why did I file for divorce, when I should just wait it out to see what happens in a year or so when it all comes crashing down on her. I must go on with my life, the kids and continue to make myself a better person.