My wife and I have been together 12 years, Have two wonderfull children and I love them all dearly!!! I have a very serious problem though. It might sound stupid,(I know it is.) But I just can't seem to get over the fact that she was in a sexual relationship with her ex-boyfriend. Now I do understand that past is past, and for Gods sake it was allmost 13 years ago, But my heart still aches over this. She is a wonderfull person and has never done me wrong. She is my soulmate and I'm hers, But how do I get over this greif. It eats away at my soul, and I get very depressed sometimes. This in turn affects our wonderfull relationship and It hurts her to see me this way. I love her so much it hurts, she's my everything!!! I just want to forget and move on but my goofy mind wont let me. Any advice or prayers anything at all would be very helpfull.

<small>[ July 18, 2004, 10:33 PM: Message edited by: Roscoe ]</small>

Hello Roscoe, good to meet you. It's nice to find someone with a simular situation. Most people I talk to tell me to give it up and forget(How?). It seems to be the hardest thing that I ever tried to overcome in my entire life. I don't ponder on it, but when I see things on tv or movies or even songs that depict pre-maritial sex, it enrages me inside and I,m back to square one(obsessing on it!). Just like you I knew about her past right from the start. It did bother me a little bit, but like you I pulled away from her and had a very hard time committing to the relationship. One problem arouse after a couple years of this. I fell deeply in love with her and couldn't bear to be without her. So I had a choice, Leave her over this? or Love her and live with it.(Easier said than done!). One problem that you had adressed that I'm guilty of is witholding affection from her. I know this could destroy us, but sometimes I'm so hurt I just shut myself off from her and the whole world at that.(Pretty stupid huh!). Like you said, I'd like to go back 12 years and fix this problem, but that is an unreachable goal of mine. Got to try to be a little stronger inside I guess. It's so good to know that there are others out there like myself. I thought I truly was the only one.(Thought I was nuts!!!) Well, got to go for now Roscoe. Tonight when I pray to God for things to work out for my wife and I, I'II say one for you man. Keep strong and remember, she loves you now! If she did'nt she would'nt be with you. Later.

deleted<p>[This message has been edited by purplelipstick (edited June 23, 2001).]

<small>[ July 18, 2004, 10:33 PM: Message edited by: Roscoe ]</small>

One thing she hadn't yet tried was sex with a husband who loves her for herself, and not for whether or not she'll have sex with him. I, too, had multiple partners before my husband. I was hoping that they would 'see' who I am and love me. Of course they never did, because they just wanted to have sex! Anyway, your wife probably had her own reasons for being indiscriminate (if she was). I can tell you from my experience that making love to a person who has taken the time to really know and love you, and stuck with you through thick and thin, is a completely different experience from having sex with some jerk. Emotionally it feels much more dangerous, much more romantic, and brand new.

John Raker, I'm just wondering, when you say she had sex with her ex, do you mean before you started your relationship with her? or was she cheating on you?<p>[This message has been edited by TimPaul (edited June 18, 2001).]

Gentlemen;<BR>I am very confused here, you have been married 12 YEARS and are still troubled by this? <P>While I too have had to deal with the fact that my W had a, it appears to me anyway, interesting life before she met me. Rich men, policemen, professors, etc... Her past is that, HER PAST. Does she want to be with you, have only you be her friend, lover and companion? If the answer is yes, then what is the problem? <P>Can we change the past....we can only look at it and learn from it or let it go...let your W's past go....<BR><p>[This message has been edited by freddyb (edited June 18, 2001).]

Hello TimPaul, To answer your question, It was before our relationship had begun. I understand that it is stupid for me to live in her past and I just want to forget and move on, but I find it very hard at times. There are days when It don't bother me at all, but somtimes it totaly destroys me, and no matter what I do I can't get it out of my head. I don't hold her at fault, and I love her very much, and I don't think any less of her, but the images of her with another man is my own personal hell.

Real good advice freddyb. I try to be that easy and open minded when it comes to my wife, but its hard. Posts like yours really help, thanks. Roscoe, you still out there?

Gentlemen:<P>You guys are definitely not the only ones going through hell over this particular subject matter. You may want to read through some posts under different forums. Anything regarding "wife's past". You would be surprised how many of your male counterparts are going through the same thing that you two are.<P>I too have only had sex with my wife. She on the other hand had had sex (actual intercourse) with 5 persons prior to me. Unfortunately (and the reason why I came to this site) she had sex with 2 of them while we were dating. I recently found out about this in October of last year after 10 years of marriage and three children. Needless to say, it hit me like a ton of bricks. I was aware that she had been with other people prior to us getting together and it didn't really bother me. I accepted it and asked her to be my wife. But finding out about her cheating has opened up some feelings that I have never felt before. It feels like she has cheated within the marriage as a result of lying to me for over 10 years (we lived together for 2 years prior to getting married).<P>You can read my story if you like by searching for my username. The threads are entitled "Wife's cheating prior to marriage" and "Revenge, why is it such a bad idea?" As you can see by the title of the last one, I had thoughts of revenge when I was initially trying to deal with my wife's revelation. I have come a long way, but I still deal with the images and hurt on a daily basis.<P>"With many loveless marriages out there, I feel lucky to be so jealous and so in love."<P>Roscoe, I couldn't of said it better. One of the good things that has come out of this ordeal is that I once again realized how much in love I am with my wife. For some reason I lost that strong feeling during the middle years of our marriage. I am very glad it is back.<P>One thing that has helped me is to realize how old my wife was when she engaged in "casual" sex with other guys. She was 18 years old. She was still a teenager. We all did stupid things while we were teenagers. You never thought what consequences your actions might have in the future. She didn't know that she was going to marry me. I definitely did not think that I was going to get married. For me to hold this against her by withholding my affections toward her is just plain wrong and selfish. In my case, it was not for a lack of trying that I didn't have sex. I tried, but the girls I was with were not as willing as I to have sex. I came extremely close with a couple of them, though. Just because my wife engaged in what I was trying to do, does not make it right that I hold her past against her. I do wish that I could of been her first as she was mine. But when I look into her beautiful eyes and make love to her, that feeling all but washes away.<P>Look at it this way fellas, you two have wives that were so impressed by your love making abilities that they wanted to have sex with you for the rest of their lives. Take heart in that and you will be able to get past some of these feelings that you are going through.

<small>[ July 18, 2004, 10:34 PM: Message edited by: Roscoe ]</small>

Whats up Roscoe? and welcome jsg. I don't even know what to say? It's been almost 13 years and I can't seem to kick this habbit of mine. Past is past, right! It's over! right! Why don't this hurt go away? I've allways considered myself a strong person and nothing really ever bothered or threatend me, But this consumes me. I wish I was more like Freddyb, he seems like he got his **** together. Sorry about that fellows, I just needed to vent a little. Somtimes it feels good to blow off some steam. Good to meet you jsg, Sorry to hear you have the same problems we have here, But it is nice to know there are others out there to talk to. It seems to help alot to get good advice from good people. Some advice I could give would be "SO WHAT?" If our wifes were so happy with their pasts, Why did they move on to find us? and stay with us! Got to try to think positive, got to! Roscoe, you asked me if I talk to my wife about it. We talk about it time to time and it hurts her like hell. She is truly remorseful. Sometimes when we talk she crys and shakes and tells me how ashamed she is of it. Why isn't that enough for me? I don't want to hurt her, but sometimes my pain overshadows hers and thats not right and I know it. She said she made a mistake and I understand this. Why can't I just live with it and forget? Too easy I guess.

Roscoe and John:<P>Thank you for taking the time to read my post. It does help knowing that you are not the only one on earth that has this problem. <P>To answer your question Roscoe, yes I have and still do talk to my wife about her past. She also asks questions regarding my past. I was by no means a "saint" while growing up. I had my share of girlfriends and one night "make-out" sessions. I found out from talking to my wife that she has the same kind of images in her head to deal with that I do. I really did not think that she was bothered by my past, but apparently she cannot stand thinking of me making out or "feeling up" my prior girlfriends. Obviously she will not have to deal with the images of intercourse, but to a woman kissing and touching provocatively mean much more than the actual act of penetration. I never really gave it much thought until she expressed her feelings, which only goes to show you that talking to your spouse in an honest manner is the only way you can move forward and beyond this dilemma.<P> "She is truly remorseful. Sometimes when we <BR> talk she crys and shakes and tells me how ashamed <BR> she is of it."<P>John, my wife has done the exact same thing. She will cry and shake uncontrollably at times. She is also truly remorseful. Sometimes I feel so bad for her because her husband can't just accept her past and move on. Our wives more than anything want us to know that they love us and only us. They will never do anything to jeopardize our love for them. I am sure if there was a time machine, that our wives would be the first in line to go back and change what they have done. This instinct or drive is so much different than a male's, because we tend to relish in our past and would go back in order to relish some more. Our wives, though, are ashamed at the choices they made back then and only want to erase them. For that reason I think we have a hard time dealing with our wives' sexual past, we relish in the past and they don't. That is why we have a hard time accepting their statements that they do not even think of their past partners. I truly think most women do not care about their previous relationships, but strongly do care about the person they married and that relationship.<P>I hope some of what I said makes sense. Good luck guys.

Very true, very true jsg. Hearing things like that make my day worth while! You have seemed to have figured it out. How do I start to think like that? any advice? Do you pray? When the feelings overcome me and I just don't think I can deal with it, I now reach for my wife instead of pulling away. We make love and I know Im #1 in her life. It seems to establish the fact that we are one. The only problem for her is I reach for her a couple times a day. Sex with her seems to erase the memories that haunt me, But that is just a temporary fix. I find myself wanting to make love to her not to make love, but to mark my territory and reasure myself that the marriage is valid and I'm the best lover she ever had. Well, in closing, today was one of the better days. You guys really help. I just wish I could give advice that could help too, But I was never any good at that. Thanks!

John:<P>I don't know if I will ever truly "figure it out," but I do know that I am moving in the right direction. As I see it there are only two paths I can take, one is to never forgive or try to understand my wife's past and leave her, or two is to move past her past and work on building a loving relationship with her. I have chosen the second path. That doesn't mean I won't be haunted by the images, but it does mean that I will try to repress them with understanding and not being judgmental. Like I said before, my past is not as squeaky clean as I would like to think. There were drugs, parties and one night stands (granted the one night stands did not turn out the way I would have wanted them to) in my past. My wife does not push me away because of my past, why should I do that to her. She is no where near the person she was before we committed to each other, nor am I. We are different people who have come to love each other intensely despite our past.<P>I too did the same thing that you are doing with your wife. Sex does make you feel that she wants you, but do not get discouraged if she turns you away. Remember she does want you, but the poor girl does need some rest. Only in time will we fully heal. Thanks for reading and posting.<p>[This message has been edited by jsg (edited June 28, 2001).]

I posted about this on another thread, too. I can say that my husband does regret his past, and he would change it if he could, so it's not only women that regret things they've done. Just in case a couple people here haven't been to the "pre-marriage" forum and seen my question...Did you guys ask about your wife's past, like numbers and stuff? Do you wish you never knew about it? I told my husband I want him to tell me, but he's embarrassed by it so I'm giving him all the time he needs. I just don't like feeling cut off from that part of him. What really gets me is when people tell stories of their "first time". I also feel like I did everything right, I didn't have any kind of sex before him, but now I'm stuck with all the hurt from his past indiscretions. I guess that's part of marriage, though. Recently I had to admit to him that I don't trust him, and that hurt him a lot. But I don't trust him...I know the highest indicator of whether someone will cheat is the number of partners they've had. I don't know how many he's had, but it was a lot. Well...I guess I trust him, but then I see some story or something, and I start feeling really scared that he'll get into some situation and go back to his old habits.<P>I've also encountered a lot of hostility towards virgins in general, especially if you're hurting because of your spouse's sexual past, so I'm really careful now about who I talk to about it. Basically, no one. There's just my husband...and yes, on occassions, he shakes and cries when we talk about it, and that's really scary, because that's the only time I've ever seen a man cry, and he's pretty tough...<P>Sorry I'm rambling, but this is just an issue that's hard for me to sort out. I'm sure you guys understand that feeling.

Yes your feelings are right because you probably feel he took something from you that was rightfully yours<P>The best is to try and not talk about it anymore and she neither<P>He is long gone and past forgotten and she is with YOU now<P>Forget his name and she must too<P>She must not talk about him <P>I also made that same mistake and it is keeping an old<BR>bone alive and allowing it to manipulate itself inbetween<BR>you two<P>You have each other<P>Old bones belong buried<P>Go out and spoil yourselves and do not keep feeding this old fire<P>It is an uninvited guest in this house<P>She is not seeing him anymore<P>So what is the problem<P>You are both number one and your family loves you<P>Keep focussed on yourselves<P>And never mind the past<P>You can never erase it but you can build a bright<BR>future<P>I suggest that you both begin anew by looking at your wedding photo album and children's photos and start<BR>planning family outings and picnics and so on<P>Live for tomorrow It belongs to you<P>No to those forgotten of yesterday<P>You are good You are married to her<P>And she to you<P>Love each other with a pure and clean heart<P>And never mind the rest<P>Carol<BR>kidnpuppetshow@yahoo.com

<small>[ July 18, 2004, 10:31 PM: Message edited by: Roscoe ]</small>

Hello everybody, How are things today? Prettyg asked if we asked our wifes about past event such as "How many". Well for me I had to know, I asked her right at the start. My imagination seems to run wild when I don't know about things, and In my case my thoughts of what happened were alot worse than what really happened. She might just be down playing the events for my sake but, In any event what she said was a lot better than what I thought, and that helps alot. I have a very understanding wife, If I didn't I would be writing about our divorce right now. She must love me to be able to put up with this after all these years. CarolBo gave a really nice post, and I have to thank her. Sometimes when I feel down over my situation, I read some of the previous posts in this forum and what she said is very simple and to the point. Thankyou. Roscoe, You were saying in your last post that you've been hiding your feelings from your wife. I tryed that approach also, and I found myself almost at the brink of a nervious breakdown. I had to talk it out with her, Because it was eating me up inside. After we talked, I felt alot better. Not everyones situtation is the same so don't feel compelled to talk to her if its not the right thing to do. I,m just saying it was right for me.