Thank you adgirl for your support, you certainly know me well, unlike others. Do you think that blackberry might be my XW?

TMCM,
If you mean, did I think newdawncoming might be your xw, yes actually it did occur to me.

I thank you all for your answers to my original post.

No I am not anyone's X spouse here on this board.

My affair was over before my divorce was final. There hasn't been any contact between me and the OM for a long time.

The issues that led to it were many, lack of sex from my then husband, emotional distance, lack of help around the house. 3 years before I left, I listed the issues that were driving me away and came up with at least 10 reasons to leave.

My X and I see each other nearly every week. We get along well. I have made some changes in my ways of dealing with things but thus far he has made no changes.

I miss him a great deal but when I am with him I am remeinded of exactly why I left him.

I have had individual counseling, and I would be willing to go to couples counseling with him.

Any other questions? I know personally 2 cases where spouses remarried each other but they are both considerably older than we are, and we are middle aged.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> The issues that led to it were many, lack of sex from my then husband, emotional distance, lack of help around the house. 3 years before I left, I listed the issues that were driving me away and came up with at least 10 reasons to leave.

My X and I see each other nearly every week. We get along well. I have made some changes in my ways of dealing with things but thus far he has made no changes.

I miss him a great deal but when I am with him I am remeinded of exactly why I left him.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Blackberrygirl again I apologize for letting myself get goaded into a silly discussion and forgetting about your situation. And as far as the suggestion that you might be my XW, I actually meant NewDayComing not you.

How many years were you married to your X? I ask because the longer a person is married, the harder it is to emotionally let go. I know, because I was married 15 years to my XW, and even though I also had good reasons for divorcing her, it was still painful nonetheless. What does your IC say about all of this?

Blackberry girl,
It sounds as if you have made changes that would make you a great partner...for someone who wants to work WITH you. You say your ex does not want to make changes, and you are reminded of why you left, so I have to ask, why are you considering getting back with him now? Is it the guilt because of your affair, is it love that you have for your husband, or is it loneliness? If it is guilt, then that is no reason to reconcile. And I don't know what your religious beliefs are, but as a Christian, if you have asked God for forgiveness that sin has been washed away and it is time to forgive yourself. If it is for love of your husband, ask yourself what it is you love about him. Can you live with the fact that you have made changes and he hasn't? Do you think that maybe you deserve more than someone who won't make changes necessary to enhance your relationship? And if it is because you are lonely, well, in my experience, I have sometimes felt lonelier with my ex sitting right there with me than I ever did alone and single and healthy.
Just some thoughts....

I agree with adgirl. If he is not willing to meet your emotial needs and change what chance do you have of suceeding in a second marriage. You seem to still see the same things in him that made you leave... Dont make a mistake and go backwards.
Good luck

Blackberry,
Only You know the answer. Never underestimate what may seem impossible.

Hi Blackberry,
(Waving to others I already 'know' here)

I'm in your boat. I too was the WW, and I want to remarry my exhusband. Like you, my A ended before the divorce was final. I ended the A a year ago, and there's been NC. ExOM moved out of the area. IT seems like a bad dream, the whole affair. I still can't believe I acted this way. It was due in part to a depression I was going through, and I take full responsibility.

A year ago my exH agreed to counseling with me, but then he backed off and said he wasn't ready. He doesn't want pressure, so I don't pressure him.

I love him desperately and have known him 30 years. We were married 21 years, separated at just about 19 years of marriage.

People ask me why I don't date. The usual, "You're fun, pretty, have a great paying job you love, own your own home...bla bla bla." I don't 'date' as I truly still love my exH, and I have no interest in any other men. Not in the least bit! I want to restore my family, and my R with my exH.

I've been posting here since last September, and people have been very helpful. I usually post at General Questions II, but lately I haven't posted. I was elated to come upon your thread here, as I know how you feel.

I really must be honest. I've made very little progress with my exH. He and I are cordial, but I've hurt him to the core. I send him letters occasionally, and notes via email--but he never responds. He's not dating anyone else.

Soon I need to ask him if he wants to go out with me. I haven't asked him since last December, but I still send him notes--he knows my feelings. To be honest, asking him out is something I avoid as the answer has always been 'no'. Wait, actually in the spring of 2002 he did suggest dinner out. He then 'took it back'. (the offer)

I'm sorry to have gone on and on about my situation. Please know that I know how you feel, and there is hope. I know of several couples who've remarried after divorce.

My main focus is my children for now, and my R with God. I've also learned much about myself this past year.

Please continue posting here! Wish I had some advice, but I don't. Try and figure out why you had the A. In my case, I see it was my failings, and had little to do with my exH. He worked awful hours, I was alone with our three kids all the time on nights and weekends, and at that time I was a housewife. I was selfish and immature. I simply had too much time on my hands, and I hadn't achieved anything in my career. Didn't have one, in fact.I met OM on the internet, wouldn't you know? My exH was excellent in so many ways, but I had this sense of need for 'adventure' as I approached 40. My pastor also has told me that it is common for women to have affairs when their children are in their teen years. I wasn't 'needed' as much, and I was tired of caretaking, perhaps. It was the biggest mistake of my life--beyond all reason. I'd been the good girl my whole life, and had only been with my exH previous to the affair. IT was like it wasn't me having the A.

BTW, Coffeeman as always has great advice. He's been extremely helpful to me .

Take care,
H_P

I'm in a weird situation, my wife doesnt want to be married right now , weve been married for 5 years and she just fell out of love with the idea of being married, we are going through a divorce ,we are very civil to each other, ii;m just respecting her decision, I love her more than anything, she knows how I feel, any advice on how I could win her back, I read its just best to let go of love ,and maybe she will realize what she did have, I would love to remarry her if the time comes someday, any success stories out there on people reconciling , it would really help thanks

Well as usual, I posted a response to Blackberrygirl before checking previous postings.

Anyway, my words to TMCM will be repeats but, thank you for all your great advice.