Hi Jen,

I always swore I'd never live in a house with a screamer. My parents were screamers. exH bullied me into marrying him 8 mos after we met, we married a few months later. I was 19. THEN he started screaming.

I'm smart, I'm logical, I dont have any horrible bad habits, and for years I tried to explain to exH that he didnt have the right or duty to critize me constantly, put me down, and call me names, etc. No one else on the planet thought I was as horrible as he did. There was not an A.

I got him to a MC once, but he didnt like it and wouldnt go again. His Mother was on prozac, said he should be, too. At our begging, he tried for about a month, said he didnt like it and stopped.

He ruined a vacation 7th year we were married, had a fit infront of our friends and pouted the whole time. That must have hit my breaking point, because when I got back I started thinking about if this was the way I wanted to spend the rest of my life.

I thought on it a few months, then I explained to him that I was SERIOUSLY unhappy, and was considering divorce. He calmed down for a week or so, then right back at it.

A few months after that, I told him. He initally talked me out of it, but a week later I told him I really wanted out. He tried to call my bluff, said if I wanted it he would file tomorrow! I let him.

I was almost 30, and decided I wanted a chance to find someone else. I decided I didnt want to live the rest of my life like that.

I had just decided. I never even cried about it. I've never regretted it.

My current H, for all his problems, has always been kind, and is seriously addressing our M problems. exH didnt have any of that going for him. - Dru

I'm divorcing because:

1. My WH has a girlfriend.
2. He left me when I was pregnant and needed him the most.
3. We had a 2 violent episodes during the past year.
4. My H makes bad decisions and I don't want to share my life and future with someone who makes bad decisions on a consistent basis.
5. I can't imagine waking up in the morning with a person who did this to our family.
6. I deserve better treatment than I've received this year.
7. I now doubt the sincerity of his love for me. I think he loved me because I took care of him.
8. I'm too tired of all of it to hope or care anymore.

Several reasons:

1) My WW was working, turning in timesheets and yet not bringing home a paycheck for all of the time she had put in. She was owed for over $10k in salary spanning several months of part-time work.
2) My WW was spending our marital income on business expenses for the organization she worked for and not being reimbursed. They owed her over $2k and then she decided she wasn't going to ask for reimurbusement of vehicle mileage which she could have claimed.
3) My WW was involved in PA with two different men over 2 years and then discussed having a 'relationship' with her supervisor. My WW did not think that NC was necessary. Her PAs were with former/current clients.
4) One of the OM was a convicted felon and my WW would not honor my wishes that the children have no contact with him once he was released from jail.
5) My WW failed to work with the marriage counselors/coaches we hired.
6) My WW refused to be accountable for time and money and said that I was just trying to be controlling.
7) My WW worked closely with illegal immigrants in her job and assisted some in trying to obtain driver's licenses and other services when they used false identification. She also would alert these clients to police presence help them avoid the police.
8) My WW told me that she would not turn in any of her clients to the police if she knew there was a warrant out for them until she found out more about the situation from the client and others.
9) My WW was putting our credit at risk by applying for telephone service for other people by giving the phone company her SSN because these other people did not have valid SSNs.

Actually, it didn't take all of these factors to make me finally decide to file but all of these did occur before I filed. It was the only means I felt like I had for protecting the kids and assets.

HoFS

<small>[ August 08, 2003, 03:06 PM: Message edited by: HofFenceSitter ]</small>

In the state of MS you can only be granted a divorce if both parties agree to one on irreconcilable differences or you have grounds.

I am the only one who has grounds, he doesn't. He wants a divorce, he's made that clear but I have told him from the beginning that I can't stop him from filing but I will not sign the papers.

He still hasn't filed, probably because he doesn't want to spend the money when he knows I won't sign them and therefore he won't be granted one.

I really hold out very little hope for any reconcilation, though I am still open to the possibility, but I just can't let go of him yet in my heart. He thinks I am just trying to punish him but I'm not. I just see no reason to give him a divorce when I don't want one.

In time I guess I will eventually get to the point where I am ready to let go and move on... but for now I have no desire to be with anyone else but him so why should I give him a divorce just because he wants it?

I have told him that our marriage was a joint decision and that if it is God's will for our marriage to end in divorce then that too will also have to be a joint decision. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" />

oneday....I just can't let go of him yet in my heart. He thinks I am just trying to punish him but I'm not. I just see no reason to give him a divorce when I don't want one.

sufdb...You aren't punishing him, but you are interfereing with his life, and most people deeply resent being controlled, and they should. Binding someone to you using force of any kind (in your case the power of the courts) says a lot about how someone loves.....whether it is about themself, or the other. You cannot love someone by force, but you can try to control them and call it love. Love only exists (and works right) when it is freely given and freely chosen...you are not letting your H choose. It may not be what you want, but why is that more important to you than what your H wants?

IMO folks in your position certainly have the option of not participateing in anyway with filing, or the negotiations of settlements, this satisfys your feelings about divorce, without trying to interfere with your H choices. If he wants a divorce, let him do all the work, and do this TO you. Your only act is to acknowledge he has chosen to divorce, and let him go (by signing the divorce papers), maybe he will choose at the final moment not to go through, maybe he will return later, but you will never know unless you let him choose....do you see? I have read testimony about folks who used this approach when they felt as you do, and in some cases "loving" their spouse enough to let them go and be happy (if that is what they needed) sent a powerful message, and had good outcomes. Right now the only message you are sending your H is I am gonna control you, and use the power of the state to bend you to my will....not a good message.

Spiritually is not affected one way or another by civil law (and civilly marriage/divorce is nothing more than a financial contract). I do not know for sure (no one does, and the subject is debated endlessly) when one is in a state of marriage spiritually. But it seems one is divorced when one says so to the other spouse. But regardless of how that works, ones legal status is irrelevant, God is not bound by mans laws. I don't think any of us can make someone be married to us if they aren't voluntarily in agreement that such is what they want too.

I don't know what your H thinks, but neither do you (for sure) until you set him free to decide his own life, and see whether he actually files for divorce and carries it through. In the meantime applying all the various principles learned here, AND letting him know he is free, creates the most likelihood of the outcome you desire. I know it is scarey to give up control, but that is what one must do if they are ever to have a successful intimate relationship, it never works if someone is exerting power (in any way) over the other, that just breeds resentment and rebellion. Good luck.

btw, I once was somewhat in your position. My spouse told me they wanted a divorce, didn't love me, that I was an impediment to their life. I took your position, told them do what you had to, but I would not participate, and I did not. No one filed, mostly cause they felt there would not be enough money to go around, least that was what was said. But the marriage deteriorated anyways, I didn't do well emotionally not being wanted, and was treated mostly with disdain and/or conflict, nothing I did was ok, good enough, etc., probably because my spouse resented their marriage to me..... eventually the marriage fell completely apart. I sometimes wonder what would have happend had I said ok, let's do what you want, got divorced then, and maybe that would have been some kind of wakeup, maybe led to enough change etc, to work....or both of us gone on more productively in single lives. Instead the marriage limped on until it blew apart in a major explosion, lots of injury, and it is unlikely the pieces can even be found, much less ever reassembled. Just remember, every choice we make has consequences in life. You are choosing to make your H do something, thinking that choice is a good thing....maybe it is, but maybe it is not...usually making people do things does not work well.

<small>[ August 09, 2003, 09:06 AM: Message edited by: sufdb ]</small>

After the first very difficult affair. I mean it was something Jerry Springer would have on. Someday when I have more time I will recite it all to you again. Anyway we reconciled went through recovery ect. It was the most difficult year of my life. I thought all was good but EH was still in MId-life crisis and started cheating with ow2. It was all I could take. After that I knew that I couldn't do it again so I told him to leave and filed for divorce 2 weeks later. I filed Sept and divorce was final by Dec. I will never regret my decision, I knew that I no longer loved him or repected him enough to continue.

I think a person just knows when enough is enough.

Jill

Sorry it took so long for me to read all of your posts and respond. I've been at our local folk fest for the past four days straight (and had an absolutely WONDERFUL time too I might add!).

Thanks so very much to you all for sharing your personal stories of what finally made you decide to go ahead with divorce (or get to the point where you are ready).

My H has been out of town for 10 days now. Quite frankly, it's been fabulous not having him around. Cerri's sig line rings in my mind all the time, "You can not be in love with someone whom you fear."

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I had to ask myself why I didn't see myself as deserving better.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Indeed Aly, I do see myself as deserving better, and that's one of the major reasons why I am leaning strongly towards divorce.

zacharysmom: I will take some quiet time in the morning (when I'm more alert) and finally read and respond to your email. </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> ....do No Contact-it certainly can't hurt (certainly not more than a D), and at least this is your final attempt before you have no other choice....</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Also a very good point. After the wonderful 10 peaceful days I've had without him, not only won't it hurt, it will probably be quite nice. It's just enforcing it that's tough (he'll want contact on his terms, not mine, I can see it now....).

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> but you obviously love him and see some good in him, so do yourselves a favor and don't start the finality yet.... </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I don't know if the good is ever going to resuface though....all I can think of these days (when I actually have taken the time to think about him) is how he has lied to me, and how he thinks it's right for him to criticize me all the time, whenever the opportunity arises. Not to mention his love of using my guilt about my A to manipulate me into letting him have everything his way. In short, I honestly think I do deserve better! Sort of as Drucilla said, I don't "want to live the rest of my life like that."

To borrow some thoughts from dueinjan, and modify them a bit, the following describes my feelings:

6. I deserve better treatment than I've received this year.
7. I now doubt the sincerity of his love for me. I think he loved me because he can control me, he was/is physically attracted to me, I was a big financial contributor, and his mom likes me (NOT because he truly thinks I'm a wonderful person).
8. I'm too tired of all of it to hope or care MUCH anymore.

One_day_at_a_time: </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">but for now I have no desire to be with anyone else but him so why should I give him a divorce just because he wants it? </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">IMHO, because that means he doesn't want you, so end things with him, and move on with your life (which doesn't have to mean being with anyone else).

jillybean: </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I think a person just knows when enough is enough.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">YUP, this is probably an excellent way to summarize why anyone and everyone gets divorces.

G'nite all, from a girl, err woman who doesn't miss her H at all tonight. (And thinks that is a good thing!)

Jen

I applied for a divorce in the first instance to give wifey a wake-up call when she confessed to an EA with the old farmer she was going to horse sales with.

Then I continued with the divorce because I reasoned that even if we did get back together, I wanted all the finances, etc sorted so that if she ever did something like this again, I could drop her like a hot potato (in the UK you can do a full and final settlement, which means there can never be any legal come-back or adjustment to the agreement after the divorce is granted).

But now, I am certain in my own mind that the EA has also turned in to a PA, which I cannot get over in my mind. So the divorce is because I no longer want to be with her - her little "dream world" has gone too far and she'll have to face the consequences like an adult if it turns out to be a mistake. It's just a shame on our 5 year old daughter to be caught up in it all......the good news is that I'm working damn hard not to allow negative feelings to take hold of me, which has meant wifey and I are getting on fine while all this is going on.