I don't wish to start any debate or discussion re: opinions on reconiliation, but from what I've read, most in here can't stand their spouse. I've read words like "scum," "jerk," etc. Simply out of curiosity, who in here has forgiven a spouse (or sought forgiveness) and wants to reconcile and doesn't see a spouse or ex-spouse as "scum", "jerk", etc? I know of maybe 2 or 3 in here (the divorce forum that is). Thanks.

LoveMyEx,

In my own mind, I'm satisfied that on balance I'd be better off and happier separated and divorced from wifey (I'm the BS). It's a fine line, but I also believe our 5 year old daughter would be better off, too.

But then I'm that sort of person who's always up for flogging a dead horse, so there's a part of me that suggests giving it another go if she came back full of regret.

I suppose I was fortunate enough for my wife to be fairly up front about the affair - she said "it's emotional, not physical at the moment. I love you but I'm in love with him and want to live his life style" (he's a farmer). So it was incredibly painful, but it was about as open and honest as could be hoped for. Because she was like this it was easier to retain some respect for her and so that "hopeful" part of me is ready to take the chance, even though my head says otherwise.

LoveMyEx,
I forgive my *wife* for everything, in fact i no longer will refer to her as a WS, its as if its a label, and a judgement (on my behalf)
I wonder if maybe there is a need to forgive myself as well!? Afterall, it takes TWO!!
I have absoluetly no hate in my heart what-so-ever. What would be my pay off?

Reconcile,, i hope and PRAY, that this will come, one day!!!

I'am a *STANDER!*

Steven, and family.

*the choices we make dictate the life we lead*

<small>[ August 13, 2003, 06:43 AM: Message edited by: Stephan ]</small>

I don't hate my x-spouse. I don't like his actions, I am the BS. I feel we have a lot in common, and see a lot of the same ideas in life. But who he has become is of not my liking.

I do pray that he becomes a better person in the near future. I do pray for my x repeadedly. He is also, in my church prayers. I ask for respect from my spouse, which seems to have a hard time coming. That is one reason I have a hard time with the kids, respect was not one of his virtues toward me during the marriage.

To be divorced is best, not what I wanted, but what he wanted. God hates divorce, and my kids are hurting during all of this. There still is quite a bit of pain that the two of us are suffering. Emotional trauma has directed both of our anger to lashing out at each other.

But the divorce happened, now I have to deal with life on a very limited lifestyle.

God will take care of all of us, if we ask for his help. Pray for our spouses, and seek to follow the path that God sees for us.

LoveMyEx,
You're right, there are people here -mostly newer to MB - who seem to "hate" their spouses. However, it might just seem that there are more of those because they are so vocal and post multiple times. There comes a point when one has to get past the anger and bitterness, and work on ourselves, to be whole again. Look around the D/D forum for other threads pointing this (the hate factor) out.

In response to your question, I DO NOT hate my spouse and I want to reconcile. My situation is out of my control, so I don't know what the future holds for me. But I'm OK with that <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Hi LoveMyEx,

You know, I read what Stephan said about "It Takes Two", and I just have to say .... I disagree that it TOOK TWO (spouses that is) for my husband to father TWO "OTHER" CHILDREN during our marriage with two OW. I cannot take responsibility for that, nor do I take responsibility for the STDs he shared with me that resulted in me contracting cervical cancer.

At times I feel hatred for my ex-husband and a degree of anger, but I am on a path to do my best to forgive and move on. I can't change the past or my mistakes I made in the marriage, but I can be a better me and learn from them.

I have no desire to reconcile with my ex-H. There are times I miss the good things about him (laughing and conversation), but those bad things certainly eclisped any good there was.

Not everyone's story is cut and dried around here. So feeling hate or anger is not necessarily a bad thing. I believe it is a normal emotion you experience and essential to survival, as long as it's not destructive to yourself and others, and you learn something from it.

Love,
Jo

i love my soon to be ex-wife, and i would probably jump at the chance to reconcile. however, she wants nothing to do with US right now. i am only 2 months into this whole process, and the divorce will probably be final this month.

i tried to fight for her for 2 weeks but it seemed hopeless. so i moved 360 miles away. if she ever comes out of the fog, she knows where to find me. but i dont see it happening because she feels that things have been said to our respective families that make it impossible to reconcile. of course the only people it should matter to is US.

but at the same time when the fog clears, will i still be waiting? or will i have moved on?

I love and care for my wife deeply. I will always believe that God joined us together in marriage and it is man's idea to seperate that. I have pretty substantual evidence she commited AS but I can forgive her just as God forgives me and the rest of us.I have alot of friends that tell me she filed, she asked for this not you and she is telling you to move on so forget about her and move on. I have hope in my heart that God has plans for us. I know I cannot make her love me but it has been six months and I have seen a shift in things here recently. From what I have read often times the fog lifts and reality shows through. The WS can see the world they left and realize it was a mistake.I am not going to be nieve but I will know if it is time to move on. She has called 3 times since saturday (which is very rare). She usually does'nt even want to speak to me and she was very cordial and relaxed about talking(even made small talk). So I do have hope of reconciling but I would definately have to see a change in things. I would not jump right back in. God bless!!

I don't hate my ex-wife. I think I have a pretty good idea of why she behaved as she did, so I know better than to take her attacks and desertion personally.

I knew when I got married that I was taking a risk. Not because I saw any specific warning signs, but because marriage is always a risk. I take full responsibility for my decision to marry my ex-wife, and I look at it this way: I would have given my life for her (I still believe she was worth it), so what she took from me was less than I would have given.

God used all that happened to make me a better person. I have no regrets.

So what cause do I have to hate my ex-wife? Especially since I know that what she has done to herself is far worse than what she has done to me. I pray every day that she may find a way to peace.

As for reconciliation...these days I try not to think about that. Until a few months ago, there was nothing I wanted more than reconciliation, even though I knew that rebuilding a relationship with my ex-wife would be enormously difficult. I still believe that she is worth the effort, if she wants to reconcile and if she truly demonstrates a determination to face her inner demons. But...

My heart is divided now. I have developed a disturbingly serious interest in another woman who...wants to be friends. Her attitude does not unduly discourage me, since I know that over time friendships can develop into something more, and since I am not at all sure that I should be so interested, so that a friendship may be a more appropriate type of relationship anyway. But, I am left in a sufficiently tenuous position that the prospect of my ex-wife wanting to reconcile under these circumstances terrifies me. I wouldn't know what I should do, and I would be concerned that I could not face the difficult work of reconciliation wholeheartedly.

That situation being entirely hypothetical, I try not to think about it.

GDP,

You have some much wisdom. We're blessed that you share it with us. Thank you for your words and inspiration.

Jo

I'm one of the people on this forum who is greatly disappointed in her stbxh. Which some days might mean hate. What he did was just awful to me and his family. He was selfish and never thought of what could happen to his family.

I don't want him back in my life ever! He doesn't deserve me. I was a good wife and his A had nothing to do with me but has everything to do with him. I hope one day to forgive him but I see that not coming for awhile. He took away my choices and never gave me a chance to make decisions about my (our) future.

I'm at the beginning stages of all of this and my hope is some day to be where some of you are but I have a long way to go. I am trying to work on myself first and then I will work on forgiving him.

So I guess I do hate him.

LJ

I dont HATE my EX, but!!! I do not LIKE her. She really turned me into something I never was or should have been.

Im remarried now, and she just happens to be the ONE I wish I would have been married to all along. She is my soulmate for sure. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Faithforme, I like your response...At this moment, there is such a thin line between love and hate...I do not like what my WW has done and more importantly become...I hate what she has decided to do to her family with complete disregard except for herself...She never once came forth w/ anything, she always had to be caught and caught hard and even in the face of evidence would lie...."I could never hurt you guy's or go through that again"...this was her statement to me and our kids...well after 4 false recoveries and habitual lying....I do not trust or beleive a thing she says or does...In fact, I was thinking this the other day...If someone were to list her current behavior and qualities...would I date this person....NO...would I recommend a date w/ this person..NO....sadly like some of the others...I gave and tried so hard and fear how to react if she ever were to come crawling home...There is just so much and I am too tired to worry or obsess for years about what she may or may not be doing...Yes I am lonely, scared angry and some hate....I pray for her as part of my family and even wear her wedding ring on my cross necklace...at this point, only divine intervention could take place....I am moving forward for my own sanity and that of my children..I find it hard to think that she may prosper from her actions....I have a peace about things although I am concerned....at this point, I do not want to communicate with her and likely will not for some time...she never once was the initiator of our many reconciliation opportunities...

I wouldn't say hate, disappointed yes. I am trying to be forgiving and understanding but it would be nice if the fog lifted so she could help me out.

A little insight I heard on the radio today. When on hates another, is it out of anger, frustration, or neediness. Yes, there are many of us who hate our spouse for what they have done and what has resulted with the family. Frustration comes because the spouse doesn't see the turmoil the family has had to overcome, the spouse doesn't see anyone elses point of view. They are quite selfish. Frustration comes with you trying very hard to communicate, and seems you are talking to a brick wall. Neediness is all the emotional needs interacted into one jumbled mess. Neediness results from depression and not seeing your spouse do what you wanted them to do or did do.

Good Luck.

I think I do hate my exH at this point. I have forgiven him for all of his affairs before this one. He came crying and pleading to me about how sorry he was blah, blah, blah. And I always accepted and went through the pain of recovery and redeveloping my own self-esteem. Not only did I forgive him, but I stood by him, worked for him full time for his career, raised his kids without much help from him. This was at the expense of my own career. I lost 17 hours towards my masters...I uprooted my family for him 7 times.

Eight months after his retirement from the military (of which I was a big part--especially these past ten years), he took off with a 28 year old flight attendant. No remorse, no sorrow, no guilt and incredible pain for me and the kids. He has rewritten history. He is telling people lies about me--including my children--in hopes of gaining their approval. He is spiraling downhill morally, and once again abusing alcohol. He has emotionally hurt all the kids and myself, all the while justifying his horrid behavior.

He doesn't believe the rules apply to him and has frequently not followed the divorce decree. He creates turmoil everytime he enters our life. When he doesn't get his way, he whines to his lawyer and creates even bigger messes--which I have to defend myself against continuously--unfounded allegations, by the way.

We have lost all of our retirement funds, we had to sell our retirement home, my kids and myself are barely making it financially--and he chooses when and if he is going to pay child support. He doesn't pay his portion of the bills--and yet can manage trips to Jamaica with his mistress--AND a formal wedding in October.

I am tired of people telling me I can't be angry. He is a jerk--and it has taken me 26 years to realize it. I am so hurt and sad, I cry all the time. I am tired of it. It never ends. I am angry...and I think it is finally healthy for me to be angry. For years, he emotionally abused me and made me feel it was all my fault. Well, you know what---it wasn't. I was a great wife and mother. I am a great teacher and have worked hard for my family forever.

It takes two to create the mess that leads to a divorce---not in my case. I used to believe that baloney--but not anymore. I was always there for him to lean on, to love, to accept and to cheer him on. He was never there for me.

I have a right to be angry. I did everything I could to have a great marriage. Everyone who knows me knows that. The people I worked with on base know that, my friends and even his family know that.

Is it a sad situation...yes it is. I still cry over it. I hate what he has done to our family. We have four wonderful kids that have been devastated by his immature, alcoholic behavior. Do we all still love him...yep, we do. He deserted the kids and me...and yet he still wants to control us. He won't accept any blame and he won't be satisfied until he can prove himself right even though his rationalizations are totally bizaare.

Sorry if I sound bitter to some...but you don't know what the kids and I have been through with this man. He flaunts his girlfriend in front of all of us and has since way before the divorce. He berates the kids because they don't like her--the whole situation is just too bizaare. Sometimes I feel like it is just this huge horrible dream--but he has really done this.

I am well known in this community, both on the base and off. People are amazed at his callousness, cruelness and downright immoral behavior. They don't know how I hold it together--but I have. That is a miracle in itself--because he would like nothing better than to destroy me.

I guess I have vented long enough--although I could go on. I bet if people read my recent posts--they could say "Oh she is so unforgiving". They may not know how hard I worked over the past 22 years to keep this marriage going and keeping my family life going. We had a great family--and he still blames me for his behavior.

I would have taken him back this time...but he was gone before I even knew there was a problem. He was cruel to me--for no reason except that he has an insatiable ego--that constantly has to be fed.

The hurt and pain are still there like a huge open sore. He chose to do this again--and he has never realized what his behavior has done to us. Pat

I forgave my WH over a year ago and it was the most freeing thing I ever did for me. I continued to struggle with pain, loneliness, love for my WH and inability to adjust but I think all of that is slowly getting behind me.

I do love my WH but my life is very, very easy now so I really don't know if I would ever be willing to WORK on recovery. He has deeper issues now and I believe adultery is life-altering. He could not deal on the lesser issues in our M before so the possibility of him working through the shame of the A is very unlikely.

When I come home lately, I do not right away look to see if he left a message on my voice mail. I find myself not wondering what he is doing or how he is. I have been really accepting the fact that we do not value the same things so why torture each other.

I was thinking yesterday how I may have struggles to overcome emotionally (especially self-worth) but I have no shame, guilt or regret at all. I can feel my joy and peace coming back more consistently again.

I do see my WH occassionally and we have no problem getting together for family events. We get along very well but I can sense his uneasiness when he is with me so he tends to isolate himself from me.

I only could forgive my WH with God's help. I was not capable of doing it myself so I let God lead the way and I am happy for the place I am in now.

TW

((((((((( Pat )))))))))

I think it's good you're venting, and this is the place to do it. You've put up with a lot from him. It's been a really long road for you, and I'm sorry.

The good news is he can never do this to you and the kids again. He's betrayed you for the last time and you have a future ahead of you.

I say have your attorney write him a letter that explains his angry outbursts via phone messages, email, etc. will no longer be tolerated. That his contact with you needs to be done in a civil manner and with respect.

You are in my thoughts, Pat. You will get through this, and you will eventually come out of all of this with inner peace, I really believe it. Please be okay.

Much Love,
Jo

Thanks Jo,

This has been such an incredibly hard two weeks. From my oldest daughter coming home from work sobbing because of his conversation with her, to the contempt letter I got from his lawyer (which was so much hot air), to having to respond and defend myself and meet with my lawyer, to having to go down to the city jail and report that he wasn't bringing my kids home, to him stating that he wasn't paying child support this month or next month--And then starting back to work.

He is in an all out effort this week (in contrast to his alcoholic abusive manner with the kids last week), to be sweet, kind and loving to the kids. He desparately wants them in his wedding in October. None of them want to go. It is going to be a big problem.

He must have gotten my lawyer's rebuttal to his contempt letter. He was a little tenser in his email to us tonight.

I seem to be stuck in this melodramatic nightmare. I can't get beyond it because everyday he gets to me one way or the other. I hate it. I am doing ok at work becasuse I am so busy I don't have time to think...but the minute I walk in the door, I am confronted with his voicemails or emails. It is really unsettling.

I feel like I am just whining about this situation everyday. He hasn't sent any child support this month. I will soon be out of money. I don't get my first teaching check until Sept. 20th. I don't know what I am going to do. I still have to buy the kids' school supplies.

I think I will write him tomorrow telling him that I need the money or he can tell the kids why they have to go to school without supplies. We are almost out of groceries too. This is so much fun.

Thanks Resilient for your support and caring. If it wasn't for this board, I think I really would lose it. Better run to bed. Thanks again Pat

If you need help w/ food and things...contact a local church..they can help in that area..even with paying some of your bills..

they could probably help with school stuff too if you asked..or be able to get in contact with someone who could..

You could also contact the local salvation army and they can contact local churches and places for you..it's best to contact them at the beginning of the month..as funds go quickly..so the sooner the better..