Lyxa- The "fundamental respect" finally hit him last year when I DID get a backbone and left. Funny how that works!

Suf- I hope you don't mind, but I forwarded a copy of your "foxhole" analogy to my IC. She thought it was great.

We had a long talk over lunch yesterday and did some ground work for possible recon. He's agreed to shelf the EN for SF until I'm ready...he's more concerned with trying to "fake it till we make it" and act happy with the little touches and signs of affection.

I'm going to get blasted for this but I'm needing help understanding the GF concept. He says he won't abruptly break off with her, because reguardless of their PA, she's a friend who needs help right now. Single mom, who never worked before, moving without anyone to help her, abusive STBX H, who is leaving her with nothing and trying to take her son. OK- so she got into a relationship with my STBX H (at the time) and "supported" him when he was down. He feels that he's throwing her to the wolves, if he compounds things in her life.

Sure, I feel bad for her, situation sux. But I'm feeling that if he's hell bent on helping her out...I'll be there to move her furniture too..so I can keep my eye on things, and stake my territory. Am I crazy and push for it or should I just let it go and not get involved until he initiates NC? And when/if he does should I insist it is via letter and read it or allow him to do it in person?

Everything I write here can be used freely by anyone, so no problem.

beachik..I'm going to get blasted for this but I'm needing help understanding the GF concept. He says he won't abruptly break off with her, because reguardless of their PA, she's a friend who needs help right now. Single mom, who never worked before, moving without anyone to help her, abusive STBX H, who is leaving her with nothing and trying to take her son. OK- so she got into a relationship with my STBX H (at the time) and "supported" him when he was down. He feels that he's throwing her to the wolves, if he compounds things in her life.

sufdb...Well not blasted, but certainly a hard look. Look it beachik, the fundamental issue is priorities, it makes no difference how good a case your H makes, if he is putting her needs ahead of yours, he is telling you something important about himself...that being he is an unworthy marital partner..at least for you. Your need for him to have NC with this ow is non-negotiable, because you cannot have legitimate marital restoration efforts (whether you reconcile or divorce) with any focus on op.

What to do....I would seperate, tell him you are going on with your life, and live accordingly....if you want to date him, fine, then do so as a date (no sex of course). He has to experience the consequences of jumping out of that foxhole leaveing your back uncovered. If he says fine, allright, but with anger and attitude...he still goes out the door....there is only one path, that being his total and enthusiastic focus on you and the marriage. Applying all the rules of protection, participateing in appropriate counselling, and meeting your needs...that's it, anything less and your back is exposed....make no mistake beachik this is about power for your H, or he would not be making these demands.

However, if you just cannot apply tough love, hold him accountable, then suggest this. Under no circumstances is he to have any contact with this ow, one contact and you are gone for good...BUT in the meantime YOU will help and support this ow until she has moved on (she can cry on your shoulder, you will help her move, etc. etc.)....he should have no problem with this IF his true motivations are a sense of (albeit misguided) responsibility....My guess is he will resist and get angry...frankly I think you are being played like a big fish. But good luck.

and hey, you just found that backbone, don't misplace it...or lay bleeding and telling him, gee I understand, the guy in the next foxhole needed his back covered, I will just lay here dieing, don't mind me any.

<small>[ September 17, 2003, 11:07 AM: Message edited by: sufdb ]</small>

Hum... I think the OW crying on my shoulder might be a little out of my comfort zone, but you're right on track about everything else.

He's said he would cut ties with GF lsat month, but something came up (move was posponed). Then it was middle of this month (posponed again). Who knows! I wish I would've found this sight years ago...My backbone would've been so much stronger.