</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by T00MuchCoffeeMan:
<strong>sufdb please read again from the beginning of this thread, this woman is DIVORCED from her ex-H and has been totally upfront with him about her relationships with other men and he has been with her about his relationships with other women. They are NOT in reconciliation YET because she wants the two of them to resolve the issues that were instrumental in their divorce.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Yikes, my mistake, mixed up with somebody else.

my humble apologies...my problem is I don't drink ANY coffee. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

<small>[ October 02, 2003, 09:03 AM: Message edited by: sufdb ]</small>

Geee, What did I miss????? LOL

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Blackberrygirl:
<strong>Geee, What did I miss????? LOL</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Nothing much, I just went swinging a 2x4 and whacked coffeeman by accident, I have since sent the 2x4 to it's proper destination, doubt that is much consolation to TMCM though, hope the gooseegg goes down quickly....in the meantime I am self-directing myself to 2x4 remedial school.

BlackBerrygirl,

Please pardon my ramblings here, but your story both intrigues me, and depresses me when I read your posts. I am still trying to sort out why. So with your permission, I would sort of like to do a bit of "stream of conscious" posting here. Can only do this at a site like this. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

To start I think it is very neat that you are considering getting back with your exH. I know many of the posters here who's marriages failed often dream of their ex coming back.

Yet, when I read your posts I get the idea it is "all about you". That your focus is on asserting your independence, your abilitites to do things, your freedom. You have cast off worries about your son (that bothers me). You are going to demand that your H perform in bed or no dice. You are going to demand...

Then you make comments such as </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">However, I did not cheat on my ex until very late in the mariage, and again it was only after he gave explicit permission to take a lover. That in and of itself may have been a big factor in me leaving, I felt he didn't love me enough to be willing to try to do anything to keep and satisfy me. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">OR he did love you enough to give you what he could not give you. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> Has it ever occured to you to look at it from his end of things??? I somehow doubt that you have in a long long while.

Although you didn't say it, I am guessing YOU wanted the divorce and HE did not want the divorce. Suggesting that he did love you. And if you don't believe giving your W permission to have sex with another man isn't a man "willing to try to do anything to keep and satisfy me" when he loves her, I just don't know what you really expected.

Hence my concern. To be blunt, you sound far to self-centered and self-justified to be married to your exH or anyone else at this point. You make it sound as if this marriage will happen on your terms or not at all.

Finally, I would like to end these ramblings with a thought and a comment. You have my deepest condolences for losing your daughter at such a young age. I really don't how anyone deals with such things but they do. I am sure it was a strain on the marriage as the few people I have known that lost children all seemed to have a hard time with their marriages.

And my comment: Men often don't grieve as women do.
You will never know what your exH felt, but I would guess the pain is still there.

I really don't know what this post is meant to accomplish. Perhaps, to verify or refute what I sense in your posts. Perhaps to point out the obvious. I don't know. But, if you are so inclined I look forward to your response.

God Bless,

JL

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by sufdb:
<strong> </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Blackberrygirl:
<strong>Geee, What did I miss????? LOL</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Nothing much, I just went swinging a 2x4 and whacked coffeeman by accident, I have since sent the 2x4 to it's proper destination, doubt that is much consolation to TMCM though, hope the gooseegg goes down quickly....in the meantime I am self-directing myself to 2x4 remedial school.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">You got that right Rosanne Rosana Dana ("never mind"). <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" />

Too bad there isn't a graemlin with a swelling bump on its head for that would surely be me. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

You know, Just learning, all afternoon I thought about your post and the different things I could say to reply, but they mostly sounded like defenses.

The more I thought, The more I realized I was right in leaving. You are right, I DID ask for the divorce. And when I left I kept hearing from people who had known us for many years, "what took you so long?"

My XH used to say to me in front of our children such things as, "if you want the #&#&$ homework done so bad, do it yourself, or if your want their +*&^&## rooms clean, clean them yourself." he never once backed me on discipline. While I was trying to teach them discipline and independence, he was teaching them that they didn't have to do anything I said. His rule was as long as it was quiet he was happy. Our son physically challenged me on several occasions and my XH's response was "what do you want me to do about it, kill him?" Our son is one step away from ending up in jail because of completely antisocial behaviours, and I am not going to take the rap for that.

In 28 years my X never once picked up a hammer, screwdriver, paintbrush or lawnmower. Asking for help ONCE was considered nagging.

The more I think about it, I wonder if wanting to spend time with him, because I love his sense of humor and his intellect is enough.

You're darn right this is about me. If I go back I know he will be happy.... that's one of us. I'm trying to work out in my mind if the things I like about him outweigh the negatives, and you know.... maybe they don't.

Your comments helped me think. I was an excellent wife. If you asked him he would still tell you that. Who wouldn't love a doormat? But I have no intentions of being a doormat again. And if that means never saying what I think because he might LOOK annoyed, well maybe I should enjoy my quiet life here where I am.

BlackBerryGirl,

Well, I guess I sensed something and it was deep anger at your exH. I also sense that your pendulum has swung to the far end right now. You were in your words a "doormat" and now you give no quarter.

I think somewhere in between is where you need to be before considering marrying your H or anyone else. And the ANGER???? Please consider addressing it, it will only hurt you. I would like to end this post to you with a quote that an old poster here (Whodat)used to have on his sig line.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Resentment is like taking poison and waiting for the other person to die. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I think this is a quote worthy of some reflection.

Just from my own point of view, I would like to see you remarry him. I suspect your children would profit from it. BUT, this should only happen if the BOTH of you gain something from it and come to ENJOY it. I don't sense that you are there yet, and of course I have no clue about your exH.

I am glad that I got you thinking, hopefully you will keep considering it and thinking about it, and posting here about it.

God Bless,

JL

PS: You are allowed to be defensive <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> , but you must understand you are not under attack. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />