At what point did any of you take your wedding band off?

I'm torn right now. My H and I have finally decided to divorce. The martyr in me always said I'd wear my ring until the divorce was final. However, I don't really feel like wearing it anymore, it almost feels dishonest to wear it, because I am no longer committed to my H in my heart. There is no one else in my life, and I'm not planning on looking for anyone or dating anyone until after the Dv is final, but somehow it feels odd to wear the ring now that I know we are divorcing.

Jen

I took it off when I was certain of divorce.
I did however, sometimes wear the diamond anniversary band, as a ring because I like it alot. I haven't worn it post divorce though.

I took mine off the day after my wife left to stay with her parents. I called her on the phone and she told me it was over, I would never touch her again, she wanted a divorce and there was nothing that was going to stop her. I KNEW my marriage was over at that point. INSTANTLY I knew........I have been divorced from her for over a year.

I took mine off about a week after we were separated. The ring had no meaning to it anymore. I was really sad because I love that ring, I'm thinging on making it into a necklace. I still look at it now and again.

I took mine off after she acknowledged she was having her second EA/PA and did not care about the hurt it was causing me. My 'marriage' felt like such a sick joke that I simply refused to have any object remind me of it.

Thanks for telling me about your personal experiences. I seriously almost feel dishonest wearing it, because our marriage IS over. It's supposed to be a symbol of our unending love for each other, but that just doesn't seem to exist anymore. I just don't think I can wear something that says to people, "I have a husband who loves me and who is a priority in my life." It doesn't mean that anymore. It only means I'm still legally married.

I took it off yesterday, and I think I may just leave it off.

Jen

I've got a different twist to this and I hope it doesn't sound cruel. If my W gets the D she wants, I will request that her wedding ring be returned to me. There is no legal or moral grounds for a D in our situation. I gave her that ring as a sign of confirmation of our marriage covenant. She abandoned me, she filed for D, it's her decision to revoke that covenant. I strongly feel the ring should be returned to me, and I will offer her mine. The covenant the rings symbolize will be broken. Yes, I'm speaking from a broken heart but this makes perfect sense to me. Am I off base, and why or why not?

Dear Jen,

Princess Fergie continued to wear her ring through affairs and years of divorce.

As a man, even though I have been married and not looking for another woman, I still pay attention to whether the woman has a ring on her left hand, third finger. It says something about how I interact with the woman. If a woman has a wedding ring, I try to give her more formal reapect. If she does not have a ring, then I am sometimes more casual, or joking around.

Those are just some thoughts. If your husband is still teetering, will it drive him to you, if you take it off? Will he decide to just give up, like TOOMUCHCOFFEEMAN?

Maybe that is a conversation to have with H? What are his feelings?

At the same time, raising the come-ons you get, is not optimal for staying free of the hint of adultery, before divorce, which is a legal disadvantage, in many jurisdictions.

Best wishes

Quipper
Mareried 28 years and still struggling

<small>[ October 03, 2003, 08:47 AM: Message edited by: Quipper ]</small>

I took mine off about 2 months into the separation when H stated that he did not want to be married (but wasn't asking for a divorce). I had first thought that I should save it for one of the kids...but then again who wants a wedding ring from a broken marriage. Now, I am thinking of having it melted down and made into something else.

As for causing "come-ons" from taking the ring off...I guess I have been blinded by a broken heart and wouldn't recognize one if it slapped me in the face. Well, that or I am so terribly unattractive, there hasnt been any (I prefer to think it is a broken heart) <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> . Then again, I haven't put myself in a position for that to happen either. Between work, church, home and the kids there aren't any single guys my age that I have contact with. Your circumstances could be different.

I never do anything simply.

So a little of a year ago, when divorce looked inevitable, when I’d felt emotionally divorced from my husband for almost a year, I stopped wearing my engagement ring. I took it off to do some yoga on my fists and never put it back on.

A while after I separated, I switched my wedding ring to my right hand. It’s obviously a wedding band, and wearing it on my right hand seems to illustrate the ambiguous position of the not-yet-divorced.

Come ons? What are they? Actually, the one time I was flirted with I had my ring on. They saw it, and didn't care. A strange evening. I stopped at a nice bar for dinner after yoga. Didn't want to go to an empty house. I had my book as usual. Books are great protection. Anyway the bar was crowded. I found a nice older man to sit next to. Lotta good that did! Anyway, everyone was nice. Flirted and one would have been interested had I shown any inclination. And the ring was in full view.

<small>[ October 03, 2003, 09:18 AM: Message edited by: greengables ]</small>

I took mine off the day I moved out of our apartment into my parent's house. It was about 2 months after we were seperated and I was 8 months pregnant.

I love my ring too but felt it had no meaning to it, so I chose to leave it off.

My WH has asked about my ring when he's seen me not wearing it anymore. But just answer, where's yours? He took it off long ago. Claimed that it was too dangerous wearing it while he was working. He's a police officer!!!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by hurting Promise Keeper:
<strong>I've got a different twist to this and I hope it doesn't sound cruel. If my W gets the D she wants, I will request that her wedding ring be returned to me. There is no legal or moral grounds for a D in our situation. I gave her that ring as a sign of confirmation of our marriage covenant. She abandoned me, she filed for D, it's her decision to revoke that covenant. I strongly feel the ring should be returned to me, and I will offer her mine. The covenant the rings symbolize will be broken. Yes, I'm speaking from a broken heart but this makes perfect sense to me. Am I off base, and why or why not?</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Why would you want it back? Memories? I would not want to look at the thing anymore. I pawned my wedding ring......and I could care less what my EX did with hers. Maybe it fell down the disposal? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />

I think I can undersand the thoughts behind getting the ring back - after all, they were swapped as part of getting married. So to fully divorce, surely you should get back the ring?

I haven't asked for WW's rings back, but I did change my ring over to the same finger on my right hand about 2 weeks after she broke the news of her A to me. I did this as a sign of my commitment to my 5 YO daughter and 18 YO stepson. I feel the ring is symbolic of a commitment, which is now just to my kids. That is why I still wear it, but on the other hand.

Actually, it was quite interesting to see her reaction when she noticed I'd taken the ring 0ff (to get adjusted for size for the new finger) - she was pretty annoyed! DURR!! What did she expect? She cheats on me, tears me apart, turns my whole world into a living nightmare and expects me to continue playing devoted husband? Sorry, self respect, self preservation and responsibility towards my kids kicked in.

I kept my ring on 2 years and 3 months after d-day #1. I didn't take it off until our final hearing which was one month short of 20 years of marriage. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> I figured it was pretty much over and done at that point. Prior to that, I felt is was important for me to see it there as a sign of my commitment to the marriage and the memories I had. I can still see the impression that wearing it for 20 years left on my finger. Not so much though. But when I touch my finger, I can still feel the impression if left.

My WW took her ring off for a few weeks several months after d-day #1 and after she was involved with OM2. She put it back on at the insistance of our marriage coach. She took it off again a few months later when the divorce papers were filed and never offered it back to me or made any comments about it.

HoFS

This was a tough one for me, too. I thought I would keep it on until the DV, but I couldn't. I had faith that I could save our marriage, but the day I found proof of her EA/PA, I took it off and put it on the bathroom sink counter while she was in the shower (she was still staying with me, but planning to move out about a week later). I left without talking to her. We talked about it later that day, and she decided to give all the rings back to me b/c she didn't want them. I didn't argue with that since I spent 2 months salary on them. She hadn't wore her ring since the day she said she was leaving. I found out later that she had been wearing it in the morning when she left, but taking it off at work. After the separation, I put my ring back on to keep the faith, but after I started going out with friends, I would take it off. I was very wishy-washy, but eventually took it off for good.

Funny thing is that almost a year and a half later, I still get "phantom-ring" syndrome and think it's on my hand sometimes! Very wierd.

I guess what I'm saying is do what's best for YOU. If you think that the ring doesn't mean anything anymore, take it off. If it still has some value, leave it on.

Yet another twist.

During my EA/PA which she was not 100% about and we separated, I did not wear my ring. After coming back into the house, sep for 8 days, I have worn it since then.
Prior to the TRO, my W hasn't worn her ring; perhaps, three months before that. One week before I returned, she tells me that she haas filed, and because she doesn't having a paying job, being a mother of 2 is definitely a job, she sold both the wedding and engagement rings to pay the attorney (the swine).
Myself, I still have the ring on and I won't remove it until the Holy Spirit tells me to. I am the WS, and I don't want a D. I want ot make it work. I am ashamed of what I did, and I believe I still have a covenant with her; "What God has joined together, let no man separate." We married for better or worse. Having an A is the worst one can do.

Sorry, I digress. I just want my M to beome whole again. Anyway, I am maarried to her until either of us dies. I might take it off if we do D and she remarries someone else. <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

God Bless,
TTSMM

I wore my ring through finding out about the first 3 affairs and the plan A that I then started. I wore it at all times, except while in a procedure at work. I never took it off. She on the other hand took hers off constantly 'forgetting' it at home when she would go out. I explained how much it hurt to see this type of thing after knowing about her affairs. She said she understood, but still continued to forget during the 4 months of our reconciliation attempt. I had to have asked her at least 20 times to please wear the ring. (She had taken it off and not worn it at all after I found out about her affairs.)

Funny thing is, it was one of these times during which she once again 'forgot' to wear her ring that finally caused me to realize that something was amiss with our reconciliation. I was killing myself trying to do everything to make her happy, she couldn't even wear her ring after me repeatedly explaining how important it was to me. I chose poorly in trying to once again express my feelings and wrote on the bathroom mirror in lipstick "You know how this makes me feel." and taped her ring to the mirror while she was 'out'. She came home, apologized, and thought that was that. I couldn't sleep that night, she asked me what was wrong and I said that I was having trouble understanding my feelings. That before, I could completely love her 100%, but that now it was like 99% and I hated that feeling. That when she wouldn't wear her ring, that 1% stood out like a mountain and caused so much pain. And then I explained that even though I had repeatedly asked her to wear her ring, she continued to 'forget' and that it wasn't whether she was really forgetting or not, it was that she didn't seem to care enough about me to ensure that she DIDN'T forget. THAT was the issue, not the mistrust that she thought I felt.

The next day she turned cold... over the course of a couple weeks she grew more and more distant, finally saying she didn't want to be married any longer. She left, taking her ring, but leaving her anniversary band I had made her. I kept the band, which she later wanted back. I told her NO, I had made that for her with all the love I had in me and she accepted it and wore it to and during her affairs. I told her she had no respect for what I gave to her and that it was not a bauble to be worn to attract other men's attention.

I continued to wear my ring, hoping for reconciliation even at that time. She swore there was no other man. I took my ring off when I found that she was sleeping with another man about 2 weeks after she left. I don't know whether she was with him when she left, but the fact that she cared for our relationship so little as to do that so soon made me realize that she was not person that I could trust ever again.

I too loved my bent up $150 ring. I played golf this spring, and realized that everytime I would putt, I had the habit of spinning it with my thumb. I had never putted before without that ring on. It was quite disconcerting... But so is life at times.

<small>[ October 03, 2003, 12:33 PM: Message edited by: Formerly Confused ]</small>

StartinOver - In answer to your question - I wouldn't want it for memories at all. I would request it be returned as a symbolic breaking of the covenant, then I would sell it. The money would be held in savings until the Lord brought another soulmate to me, then I would use those funds to purchase her a new ring.

I pray that my W gazes at her ring during this separation time and remembers the covenant it represents. I touch my ring and sometimes cry because I'm so incomplete without her. Maybe she has the same reaction as the Holy Spirit deals with her.

I took mine off the day after the divorce as final.

I took mine off the day she walked out the door!

After 2-1/2 to 3 years of pure hell, and me telling her to think real hard and long before she walked out that door again and leaving our chiildren time and time again.

Well she walked... and I finished closing the door!

Stay Strong!

Wallace