Leah2be,

Had you asked me this a couple of years ago, I would have told you that divorce was the worst thing that had ever happened to me.

I still think that divorce is a terrible thing, as the divorce was very difficult for me, but at the same time, I'm glad that I'm not married to her anymore.


I look at her now and think "what the heck did I ever see in her?"

Am I happier? I'm not sure. Am I better off without her? Without a doubt.

Thank you all very much for your replies. You have all given me lots to think about. It is interesting to see the different perspectives re: children and the effects of divorce, my primary concern.

To those of you who mentioned proof of affairs. Yes, I have proof but nothing that would hold up in court. As some of you may be aware, after you have sex with someone who has had an affair, it is considered forgiven by the state. At least in our state, Va.

As far as his current activities, I do not know whether anything is going on or not. I do pray for wisdom and truth daily. I've looked into hiring a PI before...it would be extremely expensive as I would need someone 24/7. My H owns his own business and is extremely erratic with his schedule. (He left at six this A.M.-on Sat) He could come home today and tell me he'll be leaving for CA. tomorrow. He often doesn't let me know about trips until the last minute. So... as you can imagine it, it would be a major expense.

For those of you who have found peace and happiness after divorce, I am so glad for you!! It's wonderful that God can make something good from all the mess and heartache that go with d.
I'm happy for those of you who have found someone else to share life with. I think it would be so amazing to have someone to truly be a partner with!

Nellie, I'm sorry that you still find yourself in such a place of hurt. I pray that you will find peace in the midst of difficult circumstances.

Dlw, my H is narcisstic and probably borderline also. It makes for an extremely challenging life!! It takes all of God's grace to stay emotionally balanced when living with this type of person.

Tossedwave, I loved the verse in your signature line. That was great!

Ruby, you mentioned something I've often wondered about re your mom being much nicer away from your dad. There are times I wonder if I wouldn't be the same. With God's help, I strive to be level, yet it can be so challenging with all the junk that goes on here.

Again, thanks so much for all your replies. I will continue to consider all of it and to pray and seek God on what He would want for me.

Happier? Much. I can't remember the last time someone stung me with words - like he did daily.

The kids do suffer though, and take a long time to adjust. My middle child is seven, and she finds it the hardest.

But I enjoy being independant again (and I believe I am being a good role model for the kids this way), making decisions for myself without fear of ridicule, getting jobs done when I WANT them done, and being able to choose for myself where I want to live.

Sometimes it is difficult, and sometimes a burden. I find it really hard to be a single parent of three kids sometimes....when the lawn needs mowed, dinner needs cooked, clothes need washed and homework to be done AND I work full time, well that makes my life tough sometimes.

But I would rather those things than have that man back in my house, any day of the week.

Love and light,

Jacky

<small>[ October 26, 2003, 02:18 AM: Message edited by: Nina too ]</small>

Leah2Be,
Since I don't think another person can "make" you happy or unhappy, I will just use another word. Easier? More peaceful? Less toxic? Yes. A better me? Yes. A stronger me? Yes. A More secure me? Yes. Something silly as an example, My 14 year old stepniece missed my birthday because she was with her dad, so she wanted to take me to the movies Fri. night. So we go to one theater, and the movie is sold out - And it was Secondhand Lions which has been out awhile and everything.
I say, come on, let's hurry, and drive clear across town to get to the next theater, and she says ok, and we hop in the car and go. We get to the theater just in time, and there are plenty of seats, and we sit down right when the movie starts.
So I am happy...then I think, wow, if ex had been with us, he would have grumbled about going across town, and said oh come on, let's just watch something here (there was nothing else either good or appropriate for a 14 year old) or he would have tried to get us to just go home. Or he would have talked of how much trouble it was, to me, not in front of my niece probably. It would have been an ordeal. Instead, it was reasonably smooth- it all worked out. What is funny, is the old cycle would be that later ex would come up with something that I was impatient with, and act like he was just trying to help me, even though he was the one who was resistant.
It was actually a relief to be able to make a quick decision about something as simple as a movie without it turning into something- a fight, discussion, whatever.

I am extremely happy to be divorced from my serial cheating exh. I worked on my marriage as long as I could tolerate the disrespect and when all my love was gone... so was I. I was emotionally divorced from him by the time I made the decision to no longer work on it (and we had also been separated 6 mos).

I feel as though I did everything in my power to save my marriage, but I won't do that again. Obviously my exh didn't have the love needed for me to remain faithful... I won't go through the humiliation again with someone if it happens again. If someone is to step out on me... that will say it all the first time and I will save myself the rage and anger.

Since the separation/divorce, I love my space and I love not having the anxiety and obsessions over what he is up to when he walks out the front door. If we went out to dinner or a club I could NEVER enjoy myself because I was watching him like a hawk. I was pathetic!

My name is ISleepAlone and that's a very happy name... I no longer feel I need a man in my life to complete me... I feel very happy and whole in my new singleness!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

I wish you all the best in your life decisions!!

Although, not thinking of divorce, we are lucky to be doing well, but I saw and awsome book at the store the other day, and it was comforting.

Talked about living your life in the most fulfilling way and just doing what you need and want to do in your life. Wish I had the title, and it was near the section of marriage help, and those self-helping and evaluation type books. I think it would be a good book for anyone to read, but especially if you are going to divorce and feel insecure about that.

You need to live and live as best you can. And that doesnt mean that being divorced is all you got left, but it can mean, there is a new horizon and tomorrow can be far better than today.

I truly believe that and like to try to live like this.

No,

My ex's affairs and abandonment have torn my family apart. Caused me to have a significantly different profession than I would have ever chosen. Caused me to be stuck in a state in which I would never have lived other than for educational purposes. Resulted in my children being without consistency in their lives.

I still find it incredibly difficult to forgive. Daily, I am faced with the choice to stop harboring ill will towards her, and daily I am confronted with the results of her choices. Daily I am confronted with my choice to forgive... and regardless of what I do, it seems like I have to forgive all over again the next day, and it isn't any easier.

I choose to do my best, and in all actuallity probably have the easiest time of anyone on this site in several ways. However the one that counts the most for me, my family including her, has been so completely and utterly torn, that I wonder if it will ever resemble something other than a pile of bandages over unhealing wounds.

I would ask you to do everything you can OVERTLY to fix your situation. You MUST talk with him directly. Hold his hands, sit him down, and tell him how you are feeling. Read, counsel, etc. If you go down this path, you might never be able to get out of it. Several people are happy with their choices... but I am not happy with the divorce that was thrust upon my family.

Obviously, when one lives alone, one does not have to deal with the idiosyncracies or irritablibility of a spouse. Dealing with your partners negative traits is part of loving someone and being married, just as dealing with the obnoxiousness of a teenager or the boisterousness of a young child is part of being a parent. With six kids, my household could never have been described as quiet and peaceful, but I wouldn't trade my children for all the peace in the world, of course - and I suspect most other mothers would not either.

Divorce teaches children that nothing is permanent, that commitment is unimportant, that a parent's love can not be depended on. Unless one spouse is physically endangering the family, staying together is always far better than divorce.

I'm about 4 months clear since divorce; almost a full year since separating; am in a wonderful relationship for about 2 months now.

Here's how it goes...
- When you're happy and you know it clap your hands! CLAP CLAP

It's just like anything else in life. When things are going your way, it's good. When they aren't, it's easy to look back and wonder sometimes. Shortly after separating I often wondered if dv was the correct thing, if it would lead to happiness ever again.

I'm here to tell you all... dv is a very personal decision - you make it for whatever reason and deal with the consequences. A CONSEQUENCE of DV is NOT happiness. DV's consequences are almost all negative and the best it can do is reset your life to "0". If you're in an abusive relationship, etc. resetting to "0" can be a wonderful blessing... but happiness? No.

Happiness needs to come as you open yourself up to a new world of possibilities and leave your "married life comfort zone" behind. My girlfriend can look at me in just this certain amazing way and my heart melts and I feel blissfully happy. But, people still cut me off in traffic and pointless things happen that have tried people's patience for 100s of years and will continue to try mine for the rest of my life. I choose to be happy... and to get there, I get to make decisions and hope the consequences of those decisions include happiness.

I'm not putting all my happy eggs in the decision to dv, my girlfriend, my career, or anything. Happiness can only come from within right? Now that I've towed the party line... let me just say that you couldn't drag me back into my last marriage with 100 female Survivor contestants and/or bachelorettes! And my girlfriend could beat them all hands down in any category anyways.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Nina too:
<strong> Happier? Much. I can't remember the last time someone stung me with words - like he did daily.

Love and light,

Jacky </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Hi Jacky! I was happy to read your post. I followed your story way back when you began posting. I sympathized with you as you moved you and your children back to Australia.
I am glad you're moving on and making it with your children.
May God bless!
Harold

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Nellie1:
<strong>Divorce teaches children that nothing is permanent, that commitment is unimportant, that a parent's love can not be depended on. Unless one spouse is physically endangering the family, staying together is always far better than divorce. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Nothing in this life is permanent, and a parent's love is independent of a parent's marital status.