Thanks again to everyone for the comments. I am continuing to pursue the divorce since she is not willing to remain faithful (my only requirement to stay married).

I have honestly surprised myself these last few weeks (I shouldn't be surprised by anything these days). I figured I was coping well with things and pretty much accepted the divorce. However, I'm back in the anger phase where now that the divorce is REALLY going to happen, I realize that I have been hanging on to more hope of reconciliation than I acknowledged to myself. I just don't want a divorce. I want to be full time dad! I love my wife and want to walk beside her in life...

So its back to doing the necessary grieving and accepting work (again). I hate that this process is taking so long but I know my focus needs to change from what is happening in her life to what God is doing in my life.

Thanks again to everyone for the insights and encouragement. God is faithful and will get me through. I don't know what God will do with my wife for her choices but I'm going to work on letting Him have her for his bidding.

I'll share here an insight I gained this week on the subject to encourage others. I guess that I have presented my wife to God a million times the last few years as a "sacrifice", much like Abraham did with Isaac. However, in the back of my mind, I was counting on God supplying a ram from the thicket before she was literally gone. It is a much different thing to let go when you expect it to not return than it is to let go when you think God is just going to find a way to give it back to you. Wow, is this much harder than I thought! What if my letting go means that God will take her life on a different path? What if she ultimately repents (really repents) but it is after she has married another? I need to love and trust God in all these outcomes, not just the one I want.

I pray that I will be able to walk this path and pray for the others out there on the same path that you and I would know the character of God in such a way that we can "risk" trusting your future to Him, even if it is not the future we desire.

Your friend,
George

dontwantadivorce,

--My question to the board is how does a Christian reconcile getting a divorce from another Christian solely on the grounds of "I don't love you"? --

TR- You push the conviction aside--bury it under a new relationship--

--Now she is involved in a singles ministry at a big church near my house and is freely dating.--

TR- have you contacted the church leaders about this?? if not--You need to--let them know what is going on--and that your divorce is not yet final-
I realize some churches will ignore this--but some won't--if her's does--that says a lot about the type of church she's attending---I know the churches I attended wouldn't even allow a seperated person join the singles ministry--

--How, as a believer, do you reconcile your actions? --

TR- Again--you push the conviction aside--

However, I'm back in the anger phase where now that the divorce is REALLY going to happen,
Making decisions while angry is a POOR way to do it.

I just don't want a divorce.
Then why get one?

I love my wife and want to walk beside her in life
Then why get a divorce? Why not wait until you WANT one and not feel you need one?

DWAD,

You probably don't want to hear this, and maybe some others have already said it, but it appears you cannot stop this DV from happening. Even if you can drag it out legally, your WW has 'divorced' you from her life.

As others have said, you can end your marriage w/o guilt due to her infidelity. God is not going to hold this against you. I was told by my priest nearly a year ago to expect my marriage to end. I didn't want to believe it either, but now I see it is inevitable.

I used to feel guilty in the eyes of God, but I now know I was deceived-my H never told me of his mental illness. My priest knew and stressed during our pre-marital discussions that we disclose things like this. H never did. Also, my H feels that he never had a 'real affair'. He slept w/OW many nights while we were physically separated, but claims no SF occurred <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> You can imagine the laughs I get over that one.

I also asked my priest if H had totally lost his faith to be doing things like this. He said H's faith never was that strong. H uses it when he wants and to his benefit.

My XSIL did the same. She had PA, went to confession, and told my BIL that God had forgiven her and he should too. But she added that she would continue doing what she wanted. I think she felt as long as she went to confession each time after, the slate was clean-a common misconception of Catholics.

My H had the nerve to receive communion at our daughter's First Communion ceremony last spring. I'm sure he never truly confessed his sins prior, and even if he did, he continued contact w/OW.

I know I have not really helped, but I just wanted to give you examples of others who act like your WW and are totally comfortable w/themselves. I guess its not for us to judge, 'someone else' will do that someday. Just continue living your life the right way and being a good dad. You will get your reward someday, and they will get what they deserve.

I used to feel guilty in the eyes of God, but I now know I was deceived-my H never told me of his mental illness. My priest knew
And the priest didn't tell you? He still married you?
You still use this guy for your "spiritual" guidance?

The only sin in which we are responsible for another's actions is in the case of adultery. The responsibility here lies with your wife.

According to God's Word, the only time divorce is "permitted" is because of unrepentant adultery and abandonment of an unbelieving spouse. I think both are the case in your situation. With that said, she therefore is responsible for the adulteries that will occur because of her actions-both in her remarriage and yours.

My heart breaks for you in this situation. She has chosen a path that offers nothing but heart break for all those involved.

Where did this "do over" idea come from? Nowhere in God's Word does He ever say His aim is to make us "happy." He wants to make us more Christ-like.

God tells us in James to be thankful in all situations. That is so very difficult. How can one be thankful for a husband who cares for noone but himself? How can one be thankful for a husband who chose to have sex with anyone but his wife? How can one be thankful for in laws who so destroyed their son's life in order to satisfy their own needs and desires? How can one be thankful to be treated as either invisible or dog poop stuck to the bottom of a shoe? Knowledge and acceptance by a Heavenly Father who loves us more than can be imagined is the only way...the only way.

Romans 8;28 tells us that "All things work together for good for those who love God and are called according to His purpose." When God says all He means all. It's just getting through situations in order to see what good comes. God's ways aren't our ways.

Life isn't about "us" it's about our relationship with God. He isn't there just for us, we're here for Him. He loves us more than we can begin to imagine and His guidance is for our good.

I too am coming to the end of my marriage. I rest assured that I endured 20 years of what very few would have be able to stand. The thing about it is I didn't do it in my own strength. That would not be possible.

The best way to be discouraged is to look around...it's best to look up.

The only sin in which we are responsible for another's actions is in the case of adultery. The responsibility here lies with your wife.
Your example is very mixed up.

How is he responsible for his wifes actions if the responsibility lies with his wife?

Please carefully re-read my post. I never said that HE would be responsibile, quite the contrary. It is HER responsibility.

I hear you all and I share in your pain. In my situation I have been told by my counselor, my pastor, my lawyer, our friends and church, and the court clerk that she has no grounds for D. That's the problem with no-fault divorce states, you don't even need a reason. What should have been confined to a church/counseling setting has been brought into a civil court. I feel badly about that because the world doesn't need to see our dirty laundry. If I was an abuser or adulterer I could see her point, but even if those things were true I would expect a chance to to be informed before being hauled to the court.

As a Christian, I feel it's my responsibility to fight her action with all I'm worth, and believe you me it's getting expensive. But I know that God will honor my efforts and some day I will understand it all.

I would encourage all Christians here to persevere and remember our fight is not against flesh and blood. Check out John 16:33 and God bless!

JPH,
I stand corrected.

However,
According to God's Word, the only time divorce is "permitted" is because of unrepentant adultery and abandonment of an unbelieving spouse.
Is it? How about Deut. 24.1?

I think both are the case in your situation
Agreed.

With that said, she therefore is responsible for the adulteries that will occur because of her actions-both in her remarriage and yours.
She is responsible for her OWN adultery, no one elses.

She is guilty of adultery in her own remarriage.
How is she responsible for him getting married again?

Chris,

The reason I'm pursuing a divorce, even though I don't want one is that it is clear that she wants to date others and I think it is wrong for me to stay in a situation with ongoing adultery (be it emotional or physical). She knows that I'd stay married indefinitely if she would commit to not dating anyone. That is my only requirement for her right now and one she is not willing to abide by.

Like I said before, she's made her choices for now and I'm working on accepting them. My initial post was part of me trying to understand. I guess I realized that I'm not going to understand her perspective. I don't know what God is going to do with her but I have to let go and trust Him and stop thinking about what she is and isn't doing (which is REALLY hard for me). I love her with all my heart and she tells me that I am a great man (heart after God, a strong provider, a loving father, handsome...) but she just doesn't "love me". How can you argue with that? I can't and I'm trying not to anymore. At one point, I thought if she experienced other relationships (which she has over the past few years), she might appreciate what she has at home but that has not happened.

It's time to move on, whether I want it or not. I'm just enabling her to sin by staying married and tearing my own heart out knowing that the person I'm married to is out meeting and dating others.

Why not do Plan B?
That way you are not in her life. It eases the stress on you. And you can always divorce when you WANT it, not when you feel you need to.

Plan B makes it a lot easier.

Chris,
No I don't seek counsel from this priest anymore. And between his bad advice and the Catholic church's handling of the sexual abuse situation, it has made it difficult for me to trust in the church altogether.

I still have a strong faith in God and it annoys me that others judge me and other people who do not attend church regularly when many of us feel betrayed by organized religion in general. And its not just the Catholics, I see similar crap in many other Christian denominations. So many are hypocrites and just out for making money off of the parishoners.

HPK,
You said "As a Christian, I feel it's my responsibility to fight her action with all I'm worth". You act as if this is a battle of good vs. evil and maybe it is, but is it one really worth fighting? You cannot force someone to love you and fighting their actions will only force them to want out even more. Why put all your effort and money into it? Didn't someone earlier post that to find true love, we must give it wings?

DWAD,
Stop worrying about whether your WW will find the "Grace of God". You are not responsible for "saving" her, she is. Yes, maybe your DVing her will relieve her of guilt, something she wants, but does it really matter? Sinners can justify anything if they want to. Look at pedophiles-they claim to "love" their victims and that is why they have sex w/them. They claim to be showing love, not molestation, control, or criminal activity. Sick, huh?

Why not do Plan B?
That way you are not in her life. It eases the stress on you. And you can always divorce when you WANT it.
Plan B makes it a lot easier.

Chris,
She is not responsible for him getting married again (surely you didn't think that response through), she is responsible for the adultery that will occur because of that remarriage.

Deut 24:1 what do you think unclean is?

Read Matthew 5:31 Matt 19:9 Luke 16:18 and
1 Cor 7:14-on

Jesus had much to say about divorce and remarriage. The Pharisees tried to trip Him up on these issues in order to put Him to death.

she is responsible for the adultery that will occur because of that remarriage.
No, she is not. How do you figure someone else can make you sin?

Deut 24:1 what do you think unclean is?
It doesn't say.

Chris,
Obviously you didn't read the scripture references.

yeah, I did. Show me where he is committing adultery and it is his ex's fault.

Luke 16:18
Everyone who divorces his wife and marries another commits adultery; and he who marries one who is divorced from a husband commits adultery

Matthew 19:9
And I say to you, whoever divorces his wife, except for immorality, and marries another woman commits adultery

Matthew 5:31-
And it was said, "Whoever sends his wife away, let him give her a certificate of divorce" but I say to you that everyone who divorces his wife, except for the cause of adultery makes her commit adultery, and whoever marries a divorced woman commits adultery.

I don't know how much plainer it can get.

Your references have nothing to do with his wife making him commit adultery. None of your references even remotely show that.

Luke 16:18
Everyone who divorces his wife and marries another commits adultery; and he who marries one who is divorced from a husband commits adultery
So remarriage ALWAYS results in adultery? Regardless of the circumstances of the divorce? And even this is adultery, how is his wife making him remarry (as I asked before)?

Matthew 19:9
And I say to you, whoever divorces his wife, except for immorality, and marries another woman commits adultery
Okay, so he not committing adultery according to this.

Matthew 5:31-
And it was said, "Whoever sends his wife away, let him give her a certificate of divorce"
So he divorces his wife.

but I say to you that everyone who divorces his wife, except for the cause of adultery makes her commit adultery, and whoever marries a divorced woman commits adultery.
Your reference clearly does not fit in this situation. His wife had an affair. Whoever she remarries will be committing adultery.

I'm confused as to your references. I see nothing which says it is his wifes fault and he is committing adultery if he divorces his wife because of her affairs and he gets remarried.

So how is his wife having an affair causing him to commit adultery?

<small>[ November 07, 2003, 12:54 PM: Message edited by: Chris -CA123 ]</small>