In January 2002 the company I was working for moved to another state and offered me a position there which I declined thinking I could get something here. This was the best job ever. I had recieved a nice severance pay so we spent some time going on trips and enjoying ourselves. When I began looking for a job nothing happened. I became frustrated and eventually depressed. I finally took a sales job in October 2002 and did that for 6 months and quit in April 2003. The next month, May, my Dad went into the hospitol for heart surgery. In June he died of complications in ICU. A week later I finally got a job in the field I have training in but making less than half what I was making before.

Then in July my wife left me and filed for divorce saying she couldn't handle my depression. She had been seeing a married man she met at work since October 2002. I had some indications that she might be having an affair, working late and not taking time to be together, but did not believe she would do this because she seems to be so Godly. She listens to praise music and thinks of her job as a ministry. This is her third marriage. The first one she did the same thing, she had a year long affair with a married man and divorced her husband but the OM went back to his wife. Her second marriage was with an impotent man who was very angry as you can understand.

In September the OM went back to his wife so WW calls me. We had two wonderful weeks together and she was planning on comming back home. She even stopped the divorce procedings, But something happened. She said she loved me as a good friend only and not as a husband. The woman she is living with is a three time divircee and hates men and sex and is a bad influence. There were also other women that told her of horror stories about going back to their husbands. My wife is very influenced by others. She met a pastor that told her that since she had already started divorce procedings that she should go through with it. Others have told her that she can get the divorce and ask God for forgivness and then have a ministry.

The pastor suggested that we spend two weeks not communicating. At the end of the two weeks I did not hear from her until the following Sunday. She said she wanted to meet and talk about us. I asked her if she was still seeing the OM and she said she had called him twice so I said I have nothing to talk about as long as she is stilling seeing him But if she wanted to talk we could. She said she would call me the next day. After I hung up I decided to call his BW. We compaired notes and she suggested that I write WW a love letter which I did. The next day, Monday, I called the BW and she suggested that I go see WW unannonced and give her the letter. WW seemed glad to see me and talked for three hours. When I brought her back to her house I asked her who's vehicle was there. WW said it was the OM's and he was there for dinner. It was 10:00 pm. After I left, the phone that she returned rang and it was the BW. She was looking for the OM so I told her where he was. BW called OM and he had to leave. WW got very angry and blamed me so she is now proceding with the divorce. I asked WW if the OM went back to the BW what would she do? She said she would be single.

I have not contacted WW for almost three weeks.

I am at a loss to know how to help you right now (really I do still feel like a Junior here!) BUT if you take this post over to General Questions II, there are LOTS of people who will suggest courses of action.

I'm not sure why you are posting here in divorcing/divorced, as it seems as if you are trying to reconcile with your WW.

My best advice is: take your post to GQII. They know everything over there ! (or almost!!)

By the way, your wife has no right to be angry with you. I hope that you are able to detach yourself emotionally from her anger and not take it personally.

She is the one who being dishonest with you (dinner @10:00pm with OM ..... and OM's W wasn't invited!!! PLEEEZE!!) It looks as if your wife is having a go at cake eating right now.

Have you heard about the fog? She most definitely is there in the thick of it. She goes out with you to talk about your relationship, gets home to find that OM is there, and OM's W finds out - and WW blames you!! Totally irrational. None of this would have happened IF SHE WASN'T HAVING AN AFFAIR. OM's W also has a right to know that OM is also lying to her. You were right to tell her.

Don't take any of your wife's anger on board.

Go over to GQ II. Post over there and read as much as you can about other people's experiences.

Do a search for posts on cake eating, separation (since you are already there) read up on Plan A and Plan B. I think that it is a positive sign that she is talking with you, but be wary of the cake eating. It will only hurt you in the end.

As it never applied to my situation, I have never read "Surviving An Affair", often called SAA on these boards. But it sounds like this might be a good book for you.

Since we met and WW informed me that she was proceding with the D it has been three weeks and we have not communicated at all. I am hopeing that she will have the "absence makes the heart grow fonder" experience. I talked to OM W and they are working on their issues. Hopefully they will improve their relationship.

I talked to WW today and she has not gone forward with the D and will not until January. Thinks the holidays are a bad time to do this. I asked to see her and she agree to see me Thursday at the house after work. She seemed distant and detached as though there is no feelings left for me. I asked if she would go to counceling with me and she said no. I don't know if she is seeing the OM but I don't think she is. What should I do when she comes over Thursday? I plan on being strong, reflecting her feelings and not arguing. I am courious why she is now persuing the D now and not earlier. I wonder if she is still angry about the OM leaving. Any advice would be appreciated.

Of course, she is trying to punish you because you spoiled her fun. You had the audacity to interfere with her continuing the affair with this OMM. After all, he was the love of her life. Whatever, you do you can't win. If you apologize than you are going to come across as a schmuck. If you defend your actions than you come as a insensitive clod who is doesn't want his wife to be happy. My advice is do nothing. She has to be the one to wake up and see that in trying to punish you she is punishing herself and her children. I would take the calm attitude that if she wants a divorce she can arrange it and you will accomodate her.

I feel very sad!

I met with my WW tonight and she was so happy about her life, job and family. We had a very good 2 1/2 hour talk about her job and life. It was like talking to a good friend but no love, passion or feelings.

She kissed my twice. Once when she arrived and then later. but they were just kisses, no passion or love.

The D will procede next month. I don't understand how she can be so happy. No fog or uncertainty. She looked so good to me!

I have got to just let her go and move on. I don't understand how she can have an AA and be so happy? It is like she has no conscience.

I tryed to 180 and she was happy to see the change in me but it did not seem to matter. It is like we are strangers which is probably good because I don't want to go back to what we had before.

It <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> is like she did a 180 on me!

I feel clueless now.

We are going to meet tomorrow to transfer the car to her name so she can pay for it. One step closer to the D. We are going to dinner afterwords.

I asked her about the time she came back and then left again and she said she just froze and couldn't come home.

I feel like giving up and moving on. I almost wish she was mad at me, at least there would be some passion.

It has been 5 weeks since I have talked to WW. She has moved to another location, turned off her cell phone and not called me. It looks like she is moving on to the D and distancing herself from me.

I am full of emotions. I don't want her to D but I don't want what we had when we were together either. I want to call her but I am afraid of rejection. I want to move on with my life but I don't. To add to my situation my sister just found out she has liver cancer. She is a strong christian and has accepted that she may die.

Do you have any advice as to what to do? I have been told to let her go because she is screwed up. I have been told to hang in there and believe for the reconsiliation.

Opti, only you can answer what you should do. And there is no real reason why you must have the answer right now. Your friends and family will put pressure on you to move on, or to stick it out. People here will usually root for sticking it out, working toward reconciliation because that’s usually the safest emotionally.

It’s okay to live with uncertainty, or to take a “wait and see” approach. You could implement Plan B. Send her a no contact letter. Then, set a date your own mind of how long you’re going to wait for her. I found my date fluctuated quite a bit during Plan A, so I didn’t set a drop dead date for Plan B. But I did know when I had nothing left to give.

I’ll hold your sister in the Light. Warren Zevon’s last album has some beautiful songs of farewell. I hope I can meet death with such grace and understanding. One line I totally love is “Just because I leave you, doesn’t mean I love you any less.” What a great message to the ones we leave behind when we leave this world.

T.S.

Thanks for the reply. I am in plan B but have not sent her a letter. I just found out today that my department is being eliminated and I will be out of work May 3rd. All these crisis I have gone through and my wife was never supported me. Not meeting my needs while we were together, loosing my job, not finding a job quickly, my Dad dieing, finding a job, WW leaving me, WW coming back then leaving again, my sister having cancer and now loosing my job again. I am very disapointed with my WW and wonder why I should want her back. I believe I should be able to find a better woman, One who is supportative. We have no children together and there is not much to bring her back.

Nor at this point is there much to keep you. On the bright side, you have weathered all this alone. Therefore you KNOW you can make it alone. You need not be afraid of being single again. I know this doesn’t help. It’s not advice. How can anyone give advice on the Stay or Go? question.

And just for the record, I'm not T.S. T.S. wrote the poem I quoted. The lines are from The Waste Land.

I'm Anne with an E. which comes from the title character of a girls' book Anne of Green GAbles.

We are going to meet tomorrow to transfer the car to her name so she can pay for it
Is she getting a new loan or simply transferring title to her name?
If she is NOT getting a new loan in her name only, then you ARE still responsible for the payments and the car is hers.

I am in plan B but have not sent her a letter.
Then you are not in Plan B, it is simply Plan ignore.

Sorry for the misstype greengables.
Your right there is nothing keeping me now and I can make it alone. I did it before. I was married before for 10 years and it ended with me raising my son from 5 years old to when he left home at 17 to go into the Army as a Medic. He is 25 now, married and going to Iraq this spring. I am very proud of him. I was single while I raised him for 12 years.

She did take out a new car loan so the car is in her name now.

What is the advantage to sending her the letter is she doesn't contact me anyway. Isn't just stating the obvious?

What is the advantage to sending her the letter is she doesn't contact me anyway.
You are telling her that you still want to be married and you are owning up to your faults and that you are working on them.

ALso, her not contacting you is not the same as you not contacting her.

Isn't just stating the obvious?
That's exactly what it is. It is STATING the obvious and not ASSUMING she knows all of what you put in the Plan B letter.
Besides, how much does she now say you never told her this or oyu never did that? If she's like most ws, then it's plaenty.

With a letter (handwritten, not email or typed) she has it in her greedy little palms and knows EXACTLY what you want, what you are doing and why.

Thanks for the explaination. I can see the benifit of the letter. I will ponder what to say.

Please post it here BEFORE you send it.

Many people send one without any clue as to what it should be and end up sending pretty bad letters which have almost nothing to do with Plan B and make thing much worse.

<small>[ January 16, 2004, 03:34 PM: Message edited by: Chris -CA123 ]</small>

Thanks for the explaination. I can see the benifit of the letter. I will ponder what to say.

Dear,
We have had problems in our marriage but I want to reconcile with you so I am not calling you until you are ready to go to a counciler with me and work on our marriage.

Is that your Plan B letter?
Have you read "Surviving An Affair"?