I know that MB is motivated to help try to SAVE marriages, but there are so many of us here that have had divorce handed to us.

Wouldn't it be nice to have a "Dating Again" forum for people like us? What do others think? I sure don't want to make the same old mistakes the second time around.

And I DON'T mean for it to be a "matchmaking" forum...no, no, no. Just sharing hopes, dreams and struggles with how to approach dating again after divorce....

Just a thought.....

Ms.O,

I think discussion of dating after divorce was one of the many reasons Steve Harley created this specific section of the forum. The two things go hand-in-hand.

Feel free to share here.

Thanks,

Magnolia

Ms O,

Have you made a list of things you want in a future relationship?? How about things you don't want??

Thing's you could learn to over look--and live with?

I think the biggest thing in dating again--is getting hurt by expectations--

like for example--just because one man asks you out a few times---it doesn't mean you can't also go out with another man who happens asks you out
on a different night--

in other words you don't have to just date ONE person--don't build your dating life around one man--

I tell my daughter and her friends--that just because a boy asks you out on one date--it doesn't mean your 'dating' exclusively--he can still ask other girls out--and you can still go out with other boys--

Be honest with the other person--that your not only dating them--

dating exclusively is something that should be discussed at some point...but not necessarily on the few dates--and only when the relationship reaches the point that both people really care about each other--and is begining to grow into something deeper--

the struggles of jealousy---even if you've never been the type of person to get jealous...can be overwhelming--especially when you look at dating as--'Okay--we've gone out a few times--were dating exclusively now' and the other person doesn't see it that way--

I remember I went out w/ one guy--we went to dinner and a movie--He got angry when he called me later to ask me out and I already had plans with someone else--he started cussing, and calling me names--I was like...Excuse me??? we went out on ONE date--I'm not married, I'm not a piece of property--I can go out with other people-
needless to say--I didn't go out with HIM again--

And even in dating relationships where feelings are beginning to develop--after a few months--
if you still haven't discussed the dating exclusively--it's not a gimmie that you are--

don't be afraid to discuss what you expect in a relationship--what you don't want in a relationship and so forth--especially if you've been going out for awhile--and ask what they want and expect--no since playing the games--especially if you know what you want and don't want--

if you are honest about these things up front--
and they don't want the same things--then you know your wasting your time--and one of you may eventually get hurt if the relationship continues-

but, those are just a few things...I'll have to think about some others and let you know--

That might not be a good forum because there are alot of people who should not be dating. Alot of people rush into dating relationships (and marriages) after divorce but unwisely so, as studies show that remarriage divorce rates are about 60% and higher than first marriage divorce rates. Too often people don't deal properly with their grief, pain, regret, etc. and also use the time to grow. Also, because of their grief and state of mind after a divorce, they are prone to making poor judgements in a new dating partner or spouse. Most experts say that a person should wait anywhere from 1-3 yrs. after a divorce before dating. But so many just can't stand to be alone or don't know how to handle their emotions and so they look for a new romance to make them feel good. I see alot of people in here who've only been recently divorced or are not even yet divorced and they are already talking about dating. That's just too soon.

Anyways... those are my random thoughts re: dating and a dating forum!

I think at some point we all need to "graduate" from this site. I still cling on, but know that I'm close to quiting. Is than an MB patch?

A lot of good points were made, and we all have expectations, but the world is different now.
I'm so happy I didn't rush into dating, but now find that I'm ready, but see noone who will meet my standards.
One gentleman I dated a few times told me that with me someone will get a great deal. I expect so little and give so much. So until I meet the right person, I know I won't settle again.

Thank god for friends and support networks to help us through.

newly,

--I expect so little and give so much. So until I meet the right person, I know I won't settle again.

TR--Why do think he said this?? I think you expect more than he thinks--and maybe even more than you think--


if you make a list of things you want in a relationship---it might look something like this--

Respect--(for you and your kids)
openness and honesty
Commitment
trustworthiness
companionship--not with someone who 'needs' you
but with someone who actually WANTS to be there for you--and with you--
Someone with the similiar values
someone who encourages your growth and wants you to encourage theirs--

Someone who enjoy's doing things with you and your kids--

Those few things alone are not simple things to do for many people--it might seem like you expect little--but in all reality--it is a very tall order for many people--because they have never learned to love or think this way--

That just because you think something is important--doesn't mean you don't also think what they think is important--

many people take things personally--it's like they can't grasp you can accept their feelings and thoughts as theirs--and respect them--

they tend to believe that just because your views are different--you think yours are more important-
which isn't the case--but they aren't less important either--they are equally important--


I just haven't met a lot of people who views things this way--they assume that because we disagree--I must think I'm better than them--or more important than them--which isn't the case--
it's like they can't accept that people really are different and it's okay--

but again, I don't think you don't 'expect' much
I think you expect alot--in many ways--but because the list is rather short--others don't think you expect alot--

does that make sense??

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Originally posted by LoveMyEx
But so many just can't stand to be alone </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Some people never wanted to be alone, but if the one you want to be with doesn't want to be with you, then what

Wish I Were Home,

You said, "Some people never wanted to be alone, but if the one you want to be with doesn't want to be with you, then what?"

I'm not sure what you mean or are asking?

What I was saying is that many people who are alone (not married, widowed, divorced) can't stand it. They must have someone. Granted, I think being alone is not good for any person, but our needs for friendship and companionship can be met through freindships, church, community, etc. Most peoople though look to romance to fulfill those needs. And often, romance is the last thing they need.

Many people feel as if they are not complete without a significant other and they find themselves in relationship after relationship after relationship because rahter than use the "alone" time to grow and mature and work on themselves, they jump right back into a relationship!


I think what you are talking about is when you are married and then you find yourself alone, right? Like when a spouse leaves and doesn't want to be there?

That is probably one of the worst alonenesses there is because you didn't chose it. It involves rejection from the person you love the most, and that hurts very, very deeply. There are no easy answers either for getting through it... being alone when you don't want to be.

But, as for dating, many couples marry and divorce or date and break-up because they never should've been dating in the first place! Many people have things they need to work on before they even consider dating or marriage... they need to mature in areas or overcome addictions or develop better relational skills. But those things take work and discipline. Alot of people don't want to do the work or discipline necessary and find themselves in yet another bad relationship as a result.

Anyways.... I know that so many have been divorced and they didn't want it, and my heart goes out to them. We should use this time wisely though and not let it go to waste. In other words, we should use this time to grow, mature, work on things that need to be worked on, so that if we ever are in another marriage or relationship, we will be prepared for it and it will not end poorly.

God bless.

LoveMyEx

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I'm not sure what you mean or are asking? </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">What I mean is why wait so long to date when it is companionship that you want. I understand what your saying about getting involved in a romantic relationship and I agree.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I think what you are talking about is when you are married and then you find yourself alone, right? Like when a spouse leaves and doesn't want to be there? </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">This is my case and I have often thought of finding companionship in someone else.

A few years ago, there were a number of us "old" members that had started dating and we did post some topics about it, but it eventually broke down. The biggest problems were the "newbies" come here, and she us posting about dating and kind of forget about MB.

We also got flamed by a few people for dating, stating that we must not have loved our spouses if we were able to forget about them and date others and that we were probably happy to get divorced.

Bob,

I remember the flaming about the dating. But what the newer people don't understand is that we waited...and plan A'd....and Plan B'd....until there was nothing else we could do to save our marriages and we could walk away without having any doubts or regrets.

It's hard to incorporate dating into MB forums. I didn't post much when I started dating my current H. It just didn't fit here. Plus so many people here are hurt and angry and it's hard for them to read about someone finding love again.

BUT I do use MB principals in my new marriage. It's made marriage the 2nd time around so much easier and calmer!

Good luck all!
Mitzi <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

For me, I will date if and when I decide I am ready or wanting to. I would never base my decision on the opinions of other people at a website. I might consider input from close and trusted friends or family who know me well, and I definitely consider the advice of pastors or marriage experts/professionals that I read. I would also consider any wise input I did receive from someone I didn't know (i.e. via a website) but since it is my life and no one else's..... Well, you know.

I also very much disagree with the comment: "so many people here are hurt and angry and it's hard for them to read about someone finding love again." Most people who are "hurt" and "angry" with their situation could honestly care less whether an anonymous poster on a website dates again or not! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> Although, for those whose spouses have cheated on them or didn't want divorce, etc, they might be disgusted at what appears to be a lack of commitment to marriage, etc. However, even experts will say "DON'T DATE." And that comes from healthy, stable, MARRIED counselors, experts, etc. who have worked with many, many people and seen the fallout from rebound relationships. You don't have to be hurting to know that a person needs sufficient time to heal, grow, and grieve. You can be a very happy, healthy person and know such information.

Whether anyone here dates or remarries is their decision. IF they divorce, it's their decision. If they chose to seek advice about it on a public forum, they should expect to hear things they might not want to hear. "If you ask for free advice, you get what you pay for!"

WISHIWEREHOME,
The decision to date/remarry is yours and yours alone. I don't sense you seeking advice on it or asking an opinion, so I won't give mine. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> I already did pretty much. The desire for companionship is very normal and it's the way we were created. But a bad marriage is FAR WORSE than being single. I used to hear that and think, "Nah" but then I got married and longingly looked back to my much easier, more peaceful single life. There are alot of bad, miserable marriages out there. All a person has to do is read some of the things at this site to see that. Many married people would give almost anything to be where you are now... single.

I believe the important thing is being able to find contentment in whatever situation you are in (married or single). It doesn't mean you'll be single forever, but healing takes time. And some people will NEVER be able to have a good healthy relationship until they can change things about themself.

I know a man divorced many years ago. He got married this last summer. He is now headed for divorce. He has a gambling addiction, among other things. His wife is suffering for it, but she never should have married him to begin with... not until he could not be addicted to gambling and work on other things (maturity). Some people spend their lives in dating/marriage relationships and never have the time or desire to work on themselves. Some people should not be married or dating period, for many various reasons. But no one can control another person or their choices.

Anyways... just my 2 cents.

<small>[ December 17, 2003, 11:36 PM: Message edited by: LoveMyEx ]</small>

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">We also got flamed by a few people for dating, stating that we must not have loved our spouses if we were able to forget about them and date others and that we were probably happy to get divorced.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">People will always have opinions, both positive and negative. Peole will always tell you what they think if you let them or ask for it (and even when you don't!). People will always judge, gossip, and size you up... often telling you how you ought or ought not to live. This happens all over the world, not only on MB. When people give me an opinion, I weigh several things: what they are saying and whether it has any truth to it, the source, and the motive/heart behind it. If it's judgemental, malicious, not truthful or wise, etc... then I choose to not take it. "Flaming" occurs far beyond the Marriage Builders site, although it seems that people feel much more free to give opinions, esp. harsh ones, on anonymous websites (this one and others... forums tend to have the tendancy to lean that direction becuase of their anonymity).

LoveMyEx,

Trust me...it does happen...people do get pi$$ed when someone on here dates! Or at least it did. I think because this wasn't just an anonymous forum. On here we became true friends. We posted to each other, talked on the phone, sent Christmas cards...we genuinely cared about each other. I'm still in touch with people I met when I first came to MB. Met 6 of them in person, talked to MANY on the phone.

If you doubt this, you can look at old posts.

Mitzi <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

The fact that some of you "Old Members" have been here so long and heve been though, seen, and heard so much, is the reason that some of us do follow your advice when it seems right.
As with everything, tou can't beat experience <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

I could understand people getting upset about a topic on dating on a MB site but look what forum we're in.
<img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

TR, thanks for your thoughts.
Perhaps that's why I'm not so interested in dating. It would take someone very special to meet many of those needs.

I do hope I can meet someone who is a good male role model to my children. This has been a major void in my life.

So many of my friends miss the sense of family, going places as a family. I never had that to miss, and I desperately want that for my girls.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by MBMagnolia:
<strong> I think discussion of dating after divorce was one of the many reasons Steve Harley created this specific section of the forum. The two things go hand-in-hand.
</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">After reading the other responses, I guess they validate my original question about having a SEPARATE area for discussing dating after divorce. I too remember the flames for people posting in the D/D forum about dating.

I agree that divorce and dating are related, but they are two very different topics to me. There is just soooo much to deal with in divorce and it's immediate aftermath and so many new people come straight to this section of the MB site, when it would be more appropriate for them to start on another topic. D/D attracts people at different stages of the divorce process, and that's why the flaming occured....dating is a totally different subject.

A "dating after divorce" discussion area would deal specifically with that and tend to (not always) have people who have gone thru MB principles, etc. (as Mitzi said), but ended up divorced anyway. People who are starting over. D/D is not for that in my opinion. It is for dealing with divorce.

Anyway, I still think it's a good idea and wish the MB had an area just for that. Just my request...

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> D/D attracts people at different stages of the divorce process </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">You could probably break it down to even more furums

Threatened with D
Going thru D
Surviving after D
Moving on after D (Dating)

Ms.O, Mitzi, Bob,and Others,

The reason I jumped into this thread with my support is due to the problems of the past. I was sorry to see so many leave back then. We considered another forum at that time, but were turned down. It couldn't hurt to ask again though. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

I realize now, I should have been much harder on the one or two posters who disrupted this forum to such an extent. My apology to you "oldsters".

We did not use the signature lines back then. I think they really help to clarify the situation -especially to new members. We have many members now, all different, and all on different timelines.

Please, feel free to discuss dating here and use the Report Post feature when there is a problem. I promise, no warnings, no emails. I will delete. I understand you want to discuss dating situations and NOT debate the issue over and over again. Members who want to debate, name call,etc. will be instructed to start another thread.

Married, divorced, dating, remarried - it's all circular and it all applies here at MB. As Mitzi pointed out, she uses the MB principals in her new marriage. It's also not so bad that others in pain see new love is possible.

I hope this helps. I am not one to over-moderate this forum but I will take this extreme measure on this issue.

I am open for more discussion on this as well. Does any body have anything to add here?

Magnolia

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by MBMagnolia:
<strong>Does any body have anything to add here?
</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Just thanks for considering it again.....

Mele Kalikimaka!