I've posted a lot about my return to dating in this forum... I get flamed by some people but for the most part they've been good. The hardest thing about MB is that after a while, no matter what forum you're in, everything starts to look the same and everything repeats as new people come onboard and old timers move on with their lives.

I like the idea of the separate forums. Too many people come right to the D/D board prior to reading any info here on MB.

I think it would give the wrong impression if they start seeing our dating advice/info, etc. That they could say to themselves, I see others are finding others, so I will too, and not give MBers a chance.

I have a friend going thru a divorce and he dated over the summer and he said they were talking marriage already. They only dated a couple of months and he wasn't even divorced yet. They broke up when her x came back into the picture. Now I hear they are back together so I figure marriage next year.

He never went to one counseling session or even came here. I did give him my SAA and he read it but that was about it. He just doesn't want to be alone and he isn't even looking at the big picture, that he has some problems that need repaired. So his chances for successful second marriage don't look too good to me.

Dear Ms. O
Yes, some of us had it "handed" to us...
Things are not court-final yet, but there seems to be so little hope....as I look back, there so few instances where she has admitted imperfection..I just don't see her backing out.
A counselor did a great job of demonizing me...there is a good reason why Harley functions at the educational level, not the psychotherapy level.
Anyway, I was fascinated by eharmony.com and I signed up and took the free test battery. I corresponded with a number of people and met one lady. What a deal it was to be so much on the same wavelength...
We are keeping some distance, because we both don't want it to interfere with my "work at home." (yea, right, who am I kidding....she gave me the boot over 2 mos ago...)
Also, many churches have singles groups...at least they are useful for sharing the pain. Occasionally, some couples are paired up in this type of context.
In my next relationship--it's not going to happen unless she will join me in MEMORIZING the dogmas found in smartmarriages.com Actually, I am a bit flexible about this, but those folks have the truth---NOT PSYCHOTHERAPISTS

long time member
I tried very hard

Roger

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Ms.O:
<strong>
A "dating after divorce" discussion area would deal specifically with that and tend to (not always) have people who have gone thru MB principles, etc. (as Mitzi said), but ended up divorced anyway. People who are starting over. D/D is not for that in my opinion. It is for dealing with divorce.

</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I'll throw my 2 cents in here, as I am (finally!) dating again.

This forum is Divorcing/Divorced. I am divorced. I will always be divorced. Yet a big part of being divorced is "starting over," and that means dating and the very scary prospect of diving into new relationships!

I don't know if a separate forum is the answer, but I would love to see more discussion of the topic in this forum.

what about posting on EN as well--

Knowing how to meet those EN's even in a new relationship--is something to strive for--so that you don't make those same mistakes--

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by MBMagnolia:
<strong> Ms.O,

I think discussion of dating after divorce was one of the many reasons Steve Harley created this specific section of the forum. The two things go hand-in-hand.

Feel free to share here.

Thanks,

Magnolia </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I agree with this and would also like to add, in light of many of the comments here, it would be nice to separate this forum into Separated/Divorcing and Divorced/Moving On ... people who are here because they are separated and divorcing and don't want to be, are often hurt and angered by those who are divorced and dating.

JMO

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by ThornedRose:
<strong> what about posting on EN as well--

Knowing how to meet those EN's even in a new relationship--is something to strive for--so that you don't make those same mistakes-- </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I spend more time in EN than D/D but I have always felt like it is for "Emotional Needs in Marriage" ... my relationship is more like a marriage than a dating couple so I adapt, but a lot of folks just getting back into it would have a hard time applying the concepts. IMO.

As often as I've felt out of place, I stay and lurk and occasionally post because I believe in the concepts and try to apply them where appropriate.

MBM, you're right about dating after divorce going hand-in-hand, but I like what Ex-Princess Buttercup said:
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">...it would be nice to separate this forum into Separated/Divorcing and Divorced/Moving On ... people who are here because they are separated and divorcing and don't want to be, are often hurt and angered by those who are divorced and dating </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">And there will always be those who float into both forums <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Being in one "category" doesn't preclude the other, but it might help members, both new and old, to focus if they were in different forums.

<small>[ December 22, 2003, 05:05 PM: Message edited by: avondale25 ]</small>

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by ex Princess Buttercup:
<strong> I agree with this and would also like to add, in light of many of the comments here, it would be nice to separate this forum into Separated/Divorcing and Divorced/Moving On ... people who are here because they are separated and divorcing and don't want to be, are often hurt and angered by those who are divorced and dating.
JMO </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">This is the best idea so far! I like it....

"Please can we? Huh? Huh? Pretty please?"

:-)

Yo Mags! How ya doing, hon? No, no, no! I'm NOT gonna ask you for a date! I'm TAKEN! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" />

Duh, guess I'm stooooopid. When I started dating, I didn't THINK to come here to discuss it. Well, maybe I did a little. But I think MB vets who fought the good fight, but lost - learnin' all the good stuff about relationships along the way, are WAY over the heads of all those "rookies" in the dating scene. It's like an unfair advantage!

Rookie: Hey Babe, wanna see my etchings?

Vet MBer: Is conversation or companionship a bigger emotional need of yours?

Seriously, I wondered how to introduce my teenage son to the fact that I was beginning to date, so I just did what seemed to make sense to me at the time - applying my own concoction of father/son POJA. I didn't ask anybody here about it, I just took the plunge. Then I got worried - he's a REAL rookie and turned out to be quite the charmer when I introduced him to the first few! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> Needless to say, he was a HUGE supporter.

Anyway, back to the plot.

I believe there would be value for newly or recently divorced MBers to share the trials and tribulations of easing back into dating. I wouldn't mind sharing my successful experience. But, I believe if we learned as much as we should have learned here, we should be easily successful. The hard part may be making the decision and taking the first step - that's where support and collective thinking can be helpful.

Sorry for the ramble.

Hey WAT,
I've got some great(?) dating stories too! Like the first date I had was during a driving snow storm, so the woman was waiting in front of her house, out on the street for me. After the date I am not sure if I had the car in park before she jumped out. She never did return any of my phone calls!

The second was a teacher at my s' school. After a few months she said we should be just friends. The funny thing was every time I saw her at school she would run into another room and hide.

The third woman didn't like that I put my kids first so she didn't last long either.

The fourth is a keeper, although she is 71 miles away.

Hi RWD - I don't have any REAL "entertainment value" dating stories. Had a handful of first dates that didn't make it to second dates - usually the woman's decision, but some mutual. Currently with a wonderful woman with no end in sight.

What I was referring to as possibly being helpful to others just starting out was discussion involving getting over the hump to stick that toe in the water and issues regarding children - my biggest anxiety that turned out to be a non-problem in the end.

On another topic, I'm interrested in your interaction with your XW when her marriage to OM dissolved. Can you point me to an existing thread? I expect to be in the same situation sooner or later.

WAT

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> The hard part may be making the decision and taking the first step - that's where support and collective thinking can be helpful.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> possibly being helpful to others just starting out was discussion involving getting over the hump to stick that toe in the water and issues regarding children </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">WorthATry,
I don't know about others, and I can't add much to these topics, but I for one would like to follow the stories of how people have gotten through these points that you mention. They are both a concern of mine.
Don't know when or if I'll come to that point but hearing how other people have been able to get over the hump could be very usefull.

WAT,
I couldn't find any of my old posts. What would you like to know?? Just post me the question on a new thread.
Bob

I understand the idea of waiting to date at least a year or so after divorce.
The problem I am having is I spent the last 3 years of my marriage going through the same motions as someone who is newly divorced.
I was and am still in counseling.
I broke my emotional ties with my X.
I started planning and moving forward with my life.
The day I served him with the petition and TRO was the day it was over for me.
It might as well have been the final decree.
I knew once I served him it was over.
No turning back.
I feel I had done all the evaluating already.
I had done all I could with my X.
He was't willing to find the Lord and have a true relationship with me.
It wasn't until I had a few breif relationships did I see what more I needed to work on.
Until I put myself out there and gave myself something to compare to my X was I able to understand more about myself.
The other thing I learned, before I divorced, is I was happy being alone.
I could be happy alone.
I think this is the pivital point.
When you know you are happy alone you are ready to share your happiness with someone else.
This is the common thread I have found in the men I have dated so far.
They are not happy alone.
They were looking to me to make them happy.

Something else I've found and I don't understand.
Why do men want to put me in a box on the shelf?
Meaning, to take me down when they want to play or have me around at their convenience.
The only thing I can come up with is they don't understand RH.
When you have RH you are not afraid to share all aspects of your life.
There isn't any hiding of facts or people or situations.
They are honest with themselves, their families, and friends.
The good thing about dating, I was able to see that was not something that my X did but something all men want to do to one extreme or another.
This enabled me to put this small piece in perspective that I would not have been able to do without dating.

I am, and have been, at the stage where I am seeing what I learned in my marriage good and bad.
I can find the good things and share some of them with my kids.

I see the divorce decree as a piece of paper.
It doesn't change anything for me.
I see I changed a long time before it came to be.

I hope this mad sense.

Aly

I want to jump in here too. I think this would be a good place for all of us to share our concerns regarding dating. My divorce became final on December 17th. 6 months ago I was terrified at the thought of being divorced. I read all the right books, took all the right steps, and my WH would not budge. So we filed, and he insisted on signing the papers right away - getting it all over with before the end of the year. Oddly enough, in the end, I was relieved.
So now I am ready to date - I am not looking for someone to support me, or become a Dad to my boys. I am just looking for someone to "hang out with". Someone to talk to - laugh with. If it eventually turns into marriage, fine. But that is not what I am looking for right now. I have read the adivce to wait a year, but I feel like I would just be sitting home waiting for the year to be over with. I am not emotionally attached to my X any longer. He is not someone that I would even choose to be friends with if I were just meeting him for the first time. I am not mad at him - I am just not interested in working on a relationship with him.
But I have been married for a long time, I don't know how to date! Is it ok for a woman to call a man? Is it ok to initiate affection on a date?
Those are the kind of questions I have.

My W abandoned me nearly 9 months ago, and she filed for D in September. She actually abandoned me emotionally, physically, spriritually many months before that. As a Christian, I am fighting the D by filing for a legal separation. I still pray for her but her forced absence and actions surrounding it have nearly depleted the Love Bank. The Lord is preparing me to move on one way or the other. I know I was never meant to be alone, though I am becoming used to it. I turned 43 on Christmas Day and have a great outlook for my future, with or without her. The decision whether or not to reconcile is hers. I am at peace either way. I have been called to the ministry and I intend, with God's grace and mercy, to fulfill that call. I will be prepared to date as soon as the D is granted, if that's what is to happen. I will not date or place myself in a compromising position with a woman in the meantime. I have been living the life of the bachelor for many months, anyway. I believe that each person is different and no two cases are exactly the same. When I counsel people I treat each case on it's own merits. Frankly, I have a growing excitement as to what my future holds. I have much love that I will share with someone and I intend to fulfill my destiny in this life.

I think the key here is that many have said they have been emotionally/physically detached from their spouse/ex for x amount of time so they are ready to date.

However the problem as I see it, IMO, is that when we start a new relationship, that when that person shows us any interest, that we immediately forget to look for any red flags and immediately blame everything on our ex's and forget all about working/improving ourselves.

That flood of emotion kind of blinds us and put us in the "fog." and we can end up in a bad marriage/relationship.

After all this new person likes us as we are! So why change/improve ??????

Good points RWD. Well said. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Here's a good point from article on remarriage(I linked article below).

"It just seems obvious that people would be older and wiser. Or learn from the mistakes of a failed first marriage and do better next time around. But that's like saying if you lose a football game you'll win the next one. You will? but only if you learn some new plays before you go back on the field."

If you have time, read this EXCELLENT article:
"DIVORCED? Don't Even Think of Remarrying Until You Read This" http://www.smartmarriages.com/remarrying.html

<small>[ December 31, 2003, 12:38 AM: Message edited by: LoveMyEx ]</small>

I'm in favor of the waiting awhile plan.

I think the down time between the end of one relationship - even if that relationship is only a legal one - and the start of the new relationship is healthy. It gives you a chance to process your role in the demise, to learn that you don't NEED anyone else to be complete, to get to know yourself and become your own self rather than having to walk around pleasing this person or that person. To find your own PEACE.