I spent the 4 months I dated my hubby before I married him trying to find things wrong with him. I think it's something everyone does when there's a possibility of a second marriage. Sometimes I still catch myself thinking about whether his faults are a big problem or not. I've decided they're not! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Mitzi <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Mitzi:
<strong> I spent the 4 months I dated my hubby before I married him trying to find things wrong with him. I think it's something everyone does when there's a possibility of a second marriage. Sometimes I still catch myself thinking about whether his faults are a big problem or not. I've decided they're not! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Mitzi <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">4 months? Wow!

I've been dating the same person for 5 months, and we've just had our first "where the heck is this going?" conversation.

I guess this is one of the questions that would come up on a hypothetical "divorced, dating again" forum:

How fast do you go???

I mean, my XW and I moved in together after just 6 months, and we all know how that turned out! Come to think of it, most of time I've been involved in "whirlwind affairs" that end too quickly.

So I'm perfectly fine with the fact that after 5 months dating the same person, I'm unsure if I should introduce her as my "girlfriend."

Needless to say, she's a little less patient!

Seriously, though, I'd like to hear from other divorced MBers about how long it took to break down the emotional walls that BS's tend to build so well.

to: love my ex
I loved what you wrote - you are so right
I am new to this and keep reading all of this and i feel the same way you do

cjack,

I know..I know! LOL Yeah it was fast, but I felt then and feel now that it was the right thing to do. I have no regrets and he says he doesn't either.

I guess the speed that the relationship moves depends entirely on the people involved. Some need longer to actually trust someone again.

Mitzi <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

When I first started to date I waited about a year after the divorce was final. I guess it was closer to 10 months. I dated about 5 different men until I met my now H. When he walked through my door with that big smile on his face I just melted. Our kids had been friends in HS. His son lived in a town about 8 miles from the town I was living in. Our kids were in school activities together and were talking one day on the internet and decided they needed to hook up their folks. So H called me and we set up a date and the rest is history. We dated for 1 year before I moved 50 miles to the town he lived. We lived together for a year and we now married and very happily I might add. We have yet to even have a arguement. When we were first together I spent alot of time analyzing him. Looking for imperfections or traits I knew I wouldn't like. Well after quite a long time together I still have found none. I do my best to not compare him to my ex. We both talk alot about our prev. life and our ex's the good and the bad because we realize that there were good and bad times.

Communication is the key for any relationship even when it comes to dating. Honesty and gut feelings also are very important. If your gut is telling you beware don't ignore it. Don't ignore your heart either. Don't be afraid to take chances, life is too short. Just be smart about the choices you make.
Work on yourself, make sure you are are the best you can be no matter where you are in a relationship.

<small>[ January 06, 2004, 09:22 AM: Message edited by: jillybean36 ]</small>

Ms.O,

--I dated a gentleman in the past two years (for a year) and he had alot of the qualities I'm looking for. However, he lacked a few of the qualities I know are important and it compromised the trust I felt in him.

TR--Trust is VERY important--what was it that compromised the trust--if you don't mind my asking?

--I know he still loves me and I still have very strong feelings for him, but in my heart I don't think we are that good of a match and there are already problem areas that would need to be addresses. I don't think that's a good way to start of a relationship!

TR--This in my opinion is what 'dating' is really about--learning to work through those issues as they come up--if you can't talk about them--and learn to work through them while your dating them
how can you expect to do that if your married???

--I have a hard time knowing which areas to make compromises in and it seems like in the past, I don't have that great a track record for picking a good man. It's frustrating.--

TR--If the compromise are with your basic beliefs-then don't make them--if they cause you pain or hurt--don't make them--it's learning to make compromises where there is a win-win for all parties involved-

--Plus I really don't like dating! I am usually so loyal the the person I am dating, it's either all (a realtionship) or nothing. And don't even mention dating more than one person at a time...I just can't do that.--

TR--Just curious was this part of the problem during your dating relationship? that he dated other women as well??

I think this is something with just dating that is hard to grasp--if your not in a serious commited relationship---both people should be able to date other people--

if the relationship gets to the point of one person cares more than the other--you need to be able to discuss it--openly and honestly--so that neither person get's hurt--and you come to learn how to handle your own feelings and not blame the other person for them--ex:

We are dating--so therefore I am not dating anyone else--we need to look at this and ask did the other person also agree to not date other people?? if not--then it's still okay for them to do so--it's then a matter of figuring out if you are okay with that or not--if not--then don't go out with them anymore--that's your choice--not theirs--your less likely to get hurt

Just as you need to be able to discuss when/if you both no longer want to date other people----are we both in agreement with this? okay what do we expect from each other if we aren't going to date others? are we looking long term maybe marriage one day kind of thing so it's more like an engagement type situation? and not really a dating situation any longer? To find out if this is really someone I'd want to spend the rest of my life with--

I guess that is really the only reason I see for making a commitment to only dating one person--is if I see they have many of the qualities I'd want in a spouse--and if there are by chance some areas that need to be worked through--we take that time of one on one serious dating--to learn to talk about and work through those issues together--

Like I said earlier--if we can't talk about and learn to work through them while dating--what makes me beleive we will be able to do that once were married??? the we're not dating anyone else serious type dating is when you really need to learn to do those things--

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by ThornedRose:
<strong>--Trust is VERY important--what was it that compromised the trust--if you don't mind my asking?

--Just curious was this part of the problem during your dating relationship? that he dated other women as well??

I guess that is really the only reason I see for making a commitment to only dating one person--is if I see they have many of the qualities I'd want in a spouse--</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Yes, as a matter of fact, about 4 months AFTER we had agreed (both of us) to be exclusive in our relationship (no dating others - quite clear), and after having talked seriously of where the relationship was heading (toward marriage), I found out he dated another woman...twice. And he really didn't have an explanation as to why.

I agree that trust is huge...esp. for me with the experience I had with my x-H. I won't compromise on this. Before I found out about my man friend not being exclusive, I trusted him fully. It was quite a shock and something that has taken me most of 2003 to get over. I'm better now. But it till makes me worry that my "trust antenae" isn't all that good.

The other problem I think I have is this: Even as a teenager, I never dated. I attended a very small, private high school where everyone knew everyone else...like brothers and sisters in a way. If you felt some attraction to someone beyond friendship, you usually became a "couple." Anyone who would "date" many people wasn't looked upon favorably, let me just say.

Anyway, ever since then, I've only ever been in relationships...never really dated. I'd meet someone thru friendships at church or my small college and we'd either click or not, thru-out our daily interactions and then become a "couple" or stay just friends.

I think this puts me at a disadvantage in that I really have a hard time with the whole "dating" concept. Plus I really don't meet very many eligible men (to me), so it's kina moot that this point! HA!

However, I am enjoying this discussion and again, think it would be so helpful to have a full discussion area to keep it going. Or we could become another "Kingdom of Caerlon" thread and go on for years and years! HA!

Ms.O,

--Yes, as a matter of fact, about 4 months AFTER we had agreed (both of us) to be exclusive in our relationship (no dating others - quite clear), and after having talked seriously of where the relationship was heading (toward marriage), I found out he dated another woman...twice. And he really didn't have an explanation as to why.--

TR--Did he tell you about the other lady he dated or did you find out from someone else?

This for me would be a major factor--if he told me
or if I found out from someone else--if it was him--

I'd have to look at what motivated him to finally be honest--and if it was the latter, I'd want to know why he didn't feel the need to be honest with me--

I won't compromise on this. Before I found out about my man friend not being exclusive, I trusted him fully. It was quite a shock and something that has taken me most of 2003 to get over. I'm better now.

TR--Understandable--and you shouldn't compromise in this area--


--But it till makes me worry that my "trust antenae" isn't all that good.--

TR--I found this takes practice--by learning to trust in little things--and learning to work through those small areas first--even within friendships

Something I had to do during one of my support groups--that helped me in this area was write down
what I thought made a person trustworthy--and who I knew that had those traits--

For part of the assignment we also had to ask others what they felt considered made a person trustworthy--

There were actually VERY few people I thought were actually trustworthy--by the lists that we all came up with--

--The other problem I think I have is this: Even as a teenager, I never dated. I attended a very small, private high school where everyone knew everyone else...like brothers and sisters in a way. If you felt some attraction to someone beyond friendship, you usually became a "couple." Anyone who would "date" many people wasn't looked upon favorably, let me just say.--

TR--I can see where that could be a problem--

--Anyway, ever since then, I've only ever been in relationships...never really dated. I'd meet someone thru friendships at church or my small college and we'd either click or not, thru-out our daily interactions and then become a "couple" or stay just friends.--

TR--This has it's advantages as well--as those who know you both best have an idea on if the person is actually trustworthy or not--

--I think this puts me at a disadvantage in that I really have a hard time with the whole "dating" concept. Plus I really don't meet very many eligible men (to me), so it's kina moot that this point! HA!

TR--And who know's you may not have to look to far
as God know's the type of man you want and need in your life--and He knows just where that man is right now--He's just waiting on the right time to introduce the two of you <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

--However, I am enjoying this discussion and again, think it would be so helpful to have a full discussion area to keep it going. Or we could become another "Kingdom of Caerlon" thread and go on for years and years! HA! --

TR--This is true--as it appears at some point and time many on this forum will be in this same situation looking for advice in this area---so it really could go on for years--and how blest they will be to have the wisdom and insight from those of us who have already been there <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by ThornedRose:
[QB]--Did he tell you about the other lady he dated or did you find out from someone else?
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">He didn't tell me, but I found out another way....and it was a very legit way...wasn't snooping or anything like that. Like I said, I didn't expect that at all....totally trusted him.

However, when I confronted him about it, he was not forthcoming with the details. I basically had to drag them outta him. So I still am not sure if I even know the whole story, but it's in the past, so oh well.

The one thing I do feel good about (although sad about) is that I was able to break the relationship off, knowing what I knew. (I also found some other stuff out about him after the fact which confirmed my decision.)

But it's terribly hard do make a choice like that when you love someone so much. (And knowing that my dating choices will be few and far between). So I guess I feel that my trust antennae is getting some practice.....HA!

I was married at 18, so only dated my WH. When and if the times comes for me to date, where on earth do you find someone to date. I am 44 now, and scared to death I will never find anyone else

Cheryl

Ms.O,

--He didn't tell me, but I found out another way....and it was a very legit way...wasn't snooping or anything like that. Like I said, I didn't expect that at all....totally trusted him.

TR--I guess this is how we learn what Dr. Harley means when he says were not supposed to *totally* trust anyone--and then learn how to live in a relationship with that knowledge so that we don't get hurt--

"I realize they are not totally trustworthy (but if nobody is *totally* trustworthy, neither am I)and in order to have a relationship with a person we'll both need to work on being open and honest with each other in order to protect the relationship the best we can--

--However, when I confronted him about it, he was not forthcoming with the details. I basically had to drag them outta him. So I still am not sure if I even know the whole story, but it's in the past, so oh well.--

TR--I'm sure he withheld information in order to protect himself--afraid of losing you and what the two of you shared--as He has probably not learned the principles of radical honesty even if it means 'risking' the loss of relationship with the other person--

I've learned, I'd rather be in a relationship with someone who can be honest even if they know what they tell me would/could hurt me, and they are willing to risk losing me, even at the cost of how bad it may look for them--because it shows they respect me as a person--


--The one thing I do feel good about (although sad about) is that I was able to break the relationship off, knowing what I knew. (I also found some other stuff out about him after the fact which confirmed my decision.)--

TR--And it's probably better you found this out BEFORE you got even more emotionally involved when it would have hurt even more--but at the same time--would you be willing to try again with this person laying certain ground rules from the start?

--But it's terribly hard do make a choice like that when you love someone so much. (And knowing that my dating choices will be few and far between). So I guess I feel that my trust antennae is getting some practice.....HA!

TR--So knowing that you still love him and you said he still loves you..if he were willing to talk to you and work on these issues, would you be willing to try again?

Setting ground rules of total openness and honesty from the start--and if it's found he's cheating again the relationship would be over for good, and that it would be his choice--

Cherylpa,

--I was married at 18, so only dated my WH. When and if the times comes for me to date, where on earth do you find someone to date. I am 44 now, and scared to death I will never find anyone else

TR--This sounds like a terrible way to live--feeling you could never make it by yourself and knowing you would be okay alone, and that you
'need' someone to share your life with--

I think marriage should be about 'wanting' to be with that person and not 'needing' to be with someone because there I may not meet anyone else--

That is (from my pov) how so many people end up in abusive relationships and why they stay in them for so long--they are so afraid of being alone--and never come to understand they don't
'need' someone else to make them happy--or make them feel worthy--

Those things should come from within yourself--not because someone else says or doesn't say that you are--

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by ThornedRose:
<strong>--I guess this is how we learn what Dr. Harley means when he says were not supposed to *totally* trust anyone--and then learn how to live in a relationship with that knowledge so that we don't get hurt--</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I didn't know Dr. Harley said that...do you know where/what that was in reference to? Is it in one of the articles on this site?

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I've learned, I'd rather be in a relationship with someone who can be honest even if they know what they tell me would/could hurt me, and they are willing to risk losing me, even at the cost of how bad it may look for them--because it shows they respect me as a person--</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I couldn't agree with you more. Honesty is a very, very high need for me.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">--So knowing that you still love him and you said he still loves you..if he were willing to talk to you and work on these issues, would you be willing to try again?

Setting ground rules of total openness and honesty from the start--and if it's found he's cheating again the relationship would be over for good, and that it would be his choice-- </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Well, this past yeat (2003) we did talk...alot... and he did try to persuade me to give him another chance. But my trust with him was just completely shattered and it's taken me along time to get "over" this (if I even am). I don't know if I could go thru it all again. And to boot, it's a long-distance relationship, so I just think it's way too much to try to "rebuild" if we aren't in the same place physically. If he lived near me, I would probably have given it another chance, providing the ground rules were laid, as you suggest, and I would want to go to couples counseling wit him.

But then I think....is that really a way to start of a marriage...with counseling? I don't know. And besides, I know he's seeing someone else now pretty regularly, so I wouldn't even mention this to him at this point.

Ms.O,


--I didn't know Dr. Harley said that...do you know where/what that was in reference to? Is it in one of the articles on this site?

TR--Yes, and it's on the site-- I'll try to find it--


--But my trust with him was just completely shattered and it's taken me along time to get "over" this (if I even am). I don't know if I could go thru it all again.

TR--I understand..

--And to boot, it's a long-distance relationship, so I just think it's way too much to try to
"rebuild" if we aren't in the same place physically. If he lived near me, I would probably have given it another chance, providing the ground rules were laid, as you suggest, and I would want to go to couples counseling wit him.

TR--This would make a big difference too--it would be difficult to rebuild the trust when you aren't in the same area--

--But then I think....is that really a way to start of a marriage...with counseling?

TR---Actually, I think this is a WONDERFUL idea--
at least then you know your pretty much on the same page--or you can at least go over the MB principles and share which needs are most important for each of you--

I got remarried last month--

And things we did before we even discussed marriage--(as we'd both been married before)

1. Our church offered a Weekend Marriage Seminar
We both went--and learned A LOT!!

2. I printed out all the EN stuff from this site
and we sat down and discussed it--after reading what the definitions were--we placed them in order of importance for US--and shared them with each other--and discussed how they can change at different times during the relationship stages--

3. We shared what our expectations were in a relationship--both dating and marriage--

even though we weren't discussing getting married-it helped us learn if this relationship was worth pursuing if we didn't have the same desires
and some of the same expectations in mind--if not-
why allow ourselves to get emotionally attached to someone we know doesn't share our same values
and such??

And when we started discussing marriage--we went to our pastor for Pre-Marriage Counseling--

It was 16 weeks--of questions and answers--

Six half hour video's by a R.C. Sprouls on Marriage (He did a lecture series on biblical marriages)

Personality Testing--and shared the positives and negatives of our personalities in relationships
and shared how to work through and respect each others differences--in problem solving

Discussed Communication Jammers--and Conflict and Problem Solving Skills in relationships--

Role Concept inventory--how each of view a husbands or wife's role in the marriage--

Our past's--what was our parent's marriages like-
about issues from our previous marriage--and what we've learned about ourselves--and how we've grown because of it--

He gave us books to read on blending families, love, sex in the marriage, and a couple other topics--and even after that..he asked..are you sure this is really want you want to do?

Even a couple days before the wedding he asked us both if we are sure this is what we both really want--and said...if either of you have any doubts
about this--you can still back out--and we both knew that even if we backed out--it would be okay

When my husband and I decided to get married, we talked and talked about what we expected from a marriage. And we both expected the same things.

And I do completely trust him. With anything.

And we don't really argue. If we disagree on anything, we discuss it. And we never do that in front of the kids, especially if it concerns the kids. I don't want my kids thinking that they can play me and my husband against each other in any way. And he feels the same.

Mitzi <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by ThornedRose:
-Yes, and it's on the site-- I'll try to find it--</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Thanks....

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">--Actually, I think this is a WONDERFUL idea--at least then you know your pretty much on the same page--or you can at least go over the MB principles and share which needs are most important for each of you--
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I guess I meant to say I'm not agains pre-marital counseling and workshops, etc. But is it good to start off a marriage with such an incident? I know that whoever I eventually marry will have difference from me...it's not that. But violating trust like he did is a little bigger than just a difference...at least to me. It sorta seemed like a deal breaker.

Ms.O,

--I guess I meant to say I'm not agains pre-marital counseling and workshops, etc. But is it good to start off a marriage with such an incident? I know that whoever I eventually marry will have difference from me...it's not that. But violating trust like he did is a little bigger than just a difference...at least to me. It sorta seemed like a deal breaker.

TR--In reality--you weren't starting a marriage with this--you were learning during the dating process--what is and is not acceptable--and it may be he was testing your boundaries--to see if you were serious--and he found out you were--

And you know it's okay--not to want to go back to that relationship--UNLESS there are certain ground rules--

I'll have to post later some of the things we went through during that time--so you can see even those little bumps during the dating process can be worked out--