I know you have told us before but what are you going to school for?? My hope for you is that it gives you the confidance you need to move on with your life. You mentioned you are looking at building a house. That is great if you can afford it. Just remember that it is all up to you. Don't think SNL is going to help you.

Good luck on that new job you are looking at. I'm sure there are lots of jobs that don't require you use your arm in a way that will injure it further.

No, I am not having sex with my XH. No, I am not even kissing him. We talk and that is it. Nothing else. No touching, NOTHING.

There is a love between us, a carrying love. I may have more emotional love than him. But that is my problem, and that is where I have to set boundaries for my disconnect.

I am going to school to get my Bachelor of Science degree in Arts or health. Not sure yet. I am changing my plan a little, to get more college credit transfered. Right now, I am concentrating on getting a few of the courses out that I need. This semester, I am taking courses that will lead to the job at the church that I just put my name in for. Head of the adult day care.

I have many credits, and might as well get as many transfered. There is also the posibility that I could go into ultra-sound tech. I have thought of going into surgical tech too. Just need another semester of schooling to make some more decisions.

As far as working. I do have a torn rotator cuff on my left shoulder now. The result of the first rotator cuff being out of commission for so long, and that my rotator cuff on the left was overused to compensate for the weakness on the right. I am seeing a orthopedic surgeon on the 20th of this month. And I am trying to get surgery scheduled if he advices it.

Many of you see me as a whimp. Maybe I am. But I am just trying to be a loving caring woman. That is all. I have no desire to really date anyone as yet. If something comes along, then great. I have thought of going on the internet and doing the dating thing there. Just right now I have so much to do, so much to accomplish and get done. No time for fun right now, when finances are low, and I have this little job of cleaning this house.

I realize the story of being abused. I realize that my XH is a controller. And now if he gets out of hand, I don't cringe, I ask him to leave, or I walk away and go to my room. He has problems, and he has to deal with his problems. I do feel he needs counseling and needs some adjustments. I am making my adjustments and finding myself more.

Okay. This Friday, my oldest daughter (25) is going to have a gourmet dinner. She has invited 12 people over, one is dad. Which is okay, cause both grandmas are invited. I love them both. And the people who are coming are going to have a delicious mean. Prepared by my daughter. I am going to clean house Friday, and then help my daughter prepare some of the dinner. I will set the tables and put out pretty linens, and wine glasses. It will be nice to have a lovely dinner with all the beautiful dishes that she is preparing. I love to have parties. I love to have people over and have fun.

Now many of you are going to be upset. But it is okay with me. It is okay if her dad comes. Cause he is her dad, and he should be able to have fun and enjoy the presentation of her home made gourmet foods.

Well, I am going to sit in the tub for awhile. I am sore, and my back is really out of wack today. Physical therapy, she stretched me well beyond what I was able to do 3 weeks ago. I am starting to heal from the right side of my shoudler, and it is doing relatively well. I would like to go to a pool and see how well I could do later. Now that my left shoulder is messed up.

I have given my life to God. Something happened that I really don't want much of what I have here. I would rather live very frugally, and simple. Less to clean, and less to keep up with. Something has changed in me that I know God has done. I really don't care about all the material things, I just want to have God more so in my heart every day.

Time for my tub soaking and ease this back of mine. Goodnihgt.

Faith,

The thing is...he doesn't NEED to be there. I realize that you want him there but it seems to us that he just comes and goes as he pleases. You shouldn't have to ask him to leave when he's there using the computer. He shouldn't be there to begin with...he doesn't live there. Does that make any sense??

Mitzi <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Yes, Mitzi it makes sense. Like I said, I am probably confused, and not able to handle things yet. Just so hard, when life has really dealt one with such violence like I have had with my XH. And to think that I trusted this man (XH), and this man that I trusted, allowed a woman of deceit to coerce and manipulate his wife. Without any remorse or guilt, he allowed this other woman to do all of this to his wife, and sat on the sidelines and said was cheering the other woman on. And let his wife fall to the ground, rolling, and digging a hole to die in.

I am still wanting to do things according to what God would want me to do. I want to get my life in order. The one thing for sure, is schooling. I love going to school, and it does help my self-esteem. The counseling is good for me, cause I can vent, cry, and ask questions without feeling belittled.

Mitzi, this is very difficuilt, 25 years is a long time to have a life with someone and then have to disconnect. I do listen to you all, and have set boundaries. But where I am having a hard time is the Christian path.

I do have counseling tomorrow, and will see what she has plans for. Then I can take 10 minutes to see if I can ask some questions about a christian and dealing with XH and his controlling behavior.

XH wants to come over, he doesn't want to ask me, but if he doesn't he does not need to come over. I will tell him no. That is one thing for sure, cause this is my house now, and he has his room with his mother. He wanted the divorce, and he got the divorce.

Well, I see I am rattling on, going to bed. Been one heck of a long day cleaning this dirty house.

We had a gas leak, from the dryer gas line. Had to evacuate the house, and they blocked off the leak. Then the womans friend got the piping needed, and they fixed the connections and lines and the gas leak is all gone. This house you would not believe, you couldn't see the utility floor. Well, I can see the floor now, and she has 8 big laundry baskets full of clothes to wash. In her bedroom she just threw her clothes on the floor. And the two of us worked and put clothes in empty boxes, (jeans, sweatshirts, socks, etc.) She just washes the clothes, and leaves them in laundry baskets all over the room. What a mess, I could not live like this.

Anyways, we did all we could today, we finished at 9pm tonight. And at least the floor is clean, and boxes are stacked all against one wall full of clothes we sorted. Did n't even tackle the closet or anything else. Just the floor space. Her drawers are stuffed and stuff hanging out. Jewelry all over the place. Shoes we have all in one box now, they were thrown all over. And more horse stuff in her bedroom. She has 8 horses and shows. So we made one area in one of her extra rooms for all her horse blankets, bridles, trophies, etc. WHAT A MESS!

Tomorrow is another day. Helping my daughter prepare a wonderful dinner, and have to clean my house up now. Goodnight, God Bless!

Believe me, Faith, I do understand. I spent 14 years with my ex. He was my world and he was abusive. It's really a self-esteem issue. When he left, I literally laid on my couch for a week. And I didn't go out of my house for a month. I stopped eating and lost a lot of weight that I couldn't afford to lose. I stopped taking care of myself and didn't do a good job taking care of my kids. I know how hard it is to disconnect. But it can be done. What makes it harder for you is that it seems that he's always there. You're not going to disconnect until he's not always at your house or calling you. One day you will get tired of it. I did. And life gets so much better then.

Mitzi <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Faithforme,

Your desire to do what is right in the eyes of God is right. Do what His Word says. In it, you will find all the guidance you need. You will always get advice and opinions for the rest of your life. Always weigh it with the Word of God. Be discerning.

It seems as if you have too much advice. Before my divorce/separation, I was a major advice-seeker (from friends) and people-pleaser. One good thing that came from my separation/divorce is that I learned to make decisions based on God's Word and to hold to my convictions even when I was given advice to do otherwise or when others did not understand. God used the divorce and my desire to reconcile to help me to grow in that area.

Maybe He wants you to grow in that manner too? I say that because I see you doubt your convictions often after you recieve advice here.

Try to spend some time being still before the Lord. Still. Not seeking advice from others, not going over all the details, etc... but just being still before the Lord... seeking Him and asking Him to give you wisdom and discernment and understanding in how you should treat your husband.

This is your life... your 25 year marriage... your children and their father. It's not ours. Don't let others live your life. Weigh all advice you recieve. If it is Biblical and aligned with Scriptural truths, then follow it. If it is not, don't even question it. Everyone has an opinion. They can't all be right, right? Everyone's opinion is different (although there can be agreements within). Weigh it all with the Word of God.

Be discerning. Don't doubt your convictions if they are Biblical ones. Don't worry about your beliefs being accepted by others either.

God bless.

<small>[ January 09, 2004, 02:29 AM: Message edited by: LoveMyEx ]</small>

LMX,
I thought you gave up religion?

F4m,
We all interput what God has to say in our own way. I feel that God wants us to help ourselves. It sounds like you are on that path now. I really think you need to quit being the "perfect" ex wife and start listening to your inner voice. It is apparent that you don't like what you are doing because you continue to post your dealings with Ex. There is nothing wrong with having empathy for him. There is nothing wrong with being nice to him, by nice I mean cordial. Until you quit all other contact with him you will be forever stuck in this miserable place you are now. I can't imagine how really frusterating you must feel. If I were you I would sell the house ASAP, then he will have no control there. I would have a long talk with my kids and tell them that Dad chose this and now it's time Mom moves on. He will no longer be allowed in my house. You may see him at his or your own homes mine is off limits. Put everything you got into your job and school. Do things that make you happy. As I see it You and SNL both have major issues here. By letting him into your home and your life you are not allowing him to move on either. One of you needs to take charge here and I'm afraid it has to be you.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">LMX,
I thought you gave up religion?

</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Tis ok LMX, I don't think even God likes religion much..... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />


Just passin through spreadin my SonShine......

<img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

DZZZ

<small>[ January 10, 2004, 04:04 PM: Message edited by: Diamonzzz ]</small>

Faith...doesn't it say somewhere in the bible something like "If your right hand offends you, cut it off."

You need to get out the hacksaw, hun.

Love and light,

Jacky

The path of God is my journey. I am a truth seeker, and advice seeker. I still have self-respect issues with myself. There is the desire to be doing what is right for everyone else, but I can't be that way anymore. I have to do what God feels right for me. I talked to the counselor some, and we have made a chart plan. To deal with issues that are important for my life. My life is unknown for the path of work, for the path of a home, for the path of getting life in one direction. But, one thing that I have received from Gods message is to pray with him, and he will be there to hold my hand. I have no one to hold my hand right now, no one that I can cry on their shoulder. So God is my shoulder and I have dealt many days with crying to him. Yes, I am scared and trying to get my life together.

Listening to the christian program on the radio has been very helpful in talking to God. The program does have such enlightening subjects about life, love, partners, and depression. Depression is part of my life still. And looks like it will be with me for awhile. There are many days, that I do laugh now, and I would love to be that joyful person that loves life again.

My family and friends have encouraged me and hope that my laughter and love for life will return. That is one thing most of my family and friends loved about me, is the joy I used to express. I have lived with a mother who has little positive comments. That is part of her life, and I am learning to deal with her. I am learning to deal with her critical remarks. She hasn't changed much and I feel she will not change. But I want myself back, the good humor in myself, like my father.

In counseling, we talked about the people who surrounded me, and the people who were controlling towards me. I allowed these people to control me. I also didn't realize that I seeked these people for this is what I grew up with. I allowed these people to shove me around, and belittle me. Part of my not wanting to rock the boat. We are dealing with this in counseling, and I am learning to be more assertive in a positive way. Also, she wants to help me, in future relationships with woman, men, dates, anyone, to look for these type of people and to help myself to react to there manipulative actions.

I didn't realize that my life I allowed this to happen. So I learned some information that was quite valuable. I have a friend that I really like, she is such a talented woman with great attributes, but I see a side of her that she was trying to control me somewhat. And we talked about it in counseling. So I am concerned about our friendship, and wanting to learn how to talk to her, and let her know that I admire her talent, her great path with God, and that I am an individual seeking my path also. My path may not run along her path, therefore, I accept her advice but I need to decide for myself the best options. This is so hard, and most of my life I let others make my plans and decide for me.

Just to let you all know how the dinner turned out. We didn't eat until 9pm. My daughter now realizes that a gourmet meal needs to have part of the ingredients prepared ahead of time. She realized that we could of cut, shredded many of the items before hand. Slice and diced, and wrapped them so all she had to do was dump all the things together (like Emeril does on TV), and great his gourmet meal. WE had 5 of us in the kitchen dicing, chopping, mixing, rolling, and the meal did turn out excellent, without some of the sauces, and some of the dishes. Cause she ran out of time. But this was a good learning experience for her, and the shrimp cakes were wonderful. Recipe we are going to keep, and I am going to make them myself, cause they were soo... good....!!!!! I only chose 2 shrimp cakes, for they were excellent. Flavorful, and full of shrimp flavor. The mushrooms were excellent also. She is a great gourmet cook, and needs a big kitchen for her creations.

As far as this house, yes my goal is to sell it. If the selling market is there. I don't want to give this house away, for that would not be wise financially. Yes, it will be put up this spring, and hopefully I will have another place to move in.

This weekend has been a good weekend. For my daughter had a beautiful dinner Friday night. I got tickets to go to the Detroit Auto show. We had a great time. The people there, we were really lucky to have a fairly nice day. Was interesting when we took the shuttle to the Cobo Hall, the Detroit River was frozen partially, and the broken ice made beautiful glistening patterns. Actually was a very pretty scene. And of course Canada was on the other side. Then we went out to eat and came home and I took a 2 hour nap. My oldest daughter has her new friend over. And he is a fine young man. Close to his family, gentle, and kind. Very into being polite and I really like him a lot. He has a great sense of humor, and you can see how he talks about his parents and his 2 older brothers and their wives how he loves his family. He is a animal person, and he felt right at home with all our critters. He enjoyed the dinner my daughter made for him and all the people we had over last night. He loved the auto show, and he knows his vehicles, and how they operate. So he was thrilled with the day at the show.

I got up from the nap, and cleaned up the kitchen and did all the pots and pans and started laundry again. Feels good to get the place cleaned up again. And then I did something I haven't done in years after my soak in the tub. I tried to play the piano with some christian music from church. I am finding out that I can't play long without my back and neck spasming. But I tried, felt good. I had my bird on my shoulder and she was singing to the music, with all the ERRORs I did.

Life was good to me today. Life was good to my kids. I love them so.

Yes, this is hard, life has been very hard for me, for my face shows the depression, the hardship, the deceit that was given to me. If ever I get enough money, I would like to have a facelife, then I would look smoother, and younger. The last few years, many friends and relatives said I have aged. STress and depression and deceit really takes a toll on ones system.

Yes, XH has to deal with himself, and I am trying to deal with myself. Thank you all, I am getting tired again, took my meds, and need to get up sort of early for church. We have a special meeting tomorrow. I applied for the position of adult care at the church when the building gets started this spring, and we hope to have the facility complete by the end of summer. I am excited and scared, but I feel it will be a job that will be very challenging and rewarding.

Goodnight all.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Tis ok LMX, I don't think even God likes religion much.....

Just passin through spreadin my SonShine......</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"><img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Faith...doesn't it say somewhere in the bible something like "If your right hand offends you, cut it off."</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">"If your right eye causes you to sin, gouge it out and throw it away. It is better for you to lose one part of your body than for your whole body to be thrown into hell. And if your right hand causes you to sin, cut it off and throw it away. Iti s better for you to lose one part of your whole body than to go into hell." Matt. 5:29,30

It is part of Jesus's Sermon on the Mount, but isn't literal-- we don't really have to gouge out our eyes if we sin! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> Jesus often talked using metaphorical language or parables, etc. This verse is basically saying that we should deal with sin drastically if necessary... it is much better than to live in the sin. We should do whatever it takes to get sin out of our lives. It's not really talking about relationships or getting people out of your life, uless that person is participating in or encouraging you to sin (i.e. the drug dealer selling the drugs to you... etc).

FAITHFORME... you mentioned that you have "no one to cry with" etc. Do you have some friends from church that you could share with? You don't need to share every detail or the whole story. To be honest, that might not be beneficial for either you or them. But, you can share that you have gone through a divorce, etc. and you need prayer, support, etc. Maybe just go forward after your service for prayer?

It is amazing how much good it can do for us to have real live fellowship with others who can hug us, pray for us, and support us.

Stay in His Word. The best advice of all is there. The more you know it and walk by it, the more you will grow in confidence and peace and you will know what is right and wise.

"I will praise the Lord who COUNSELS me; even at night my heart instructs me. I have set the Lord always before me, because he is at my right hand. I will not be shaken." Psalm 16:8

God bless.

<small>[ January 11, 2004, 12:15 AM: Message edited by: LoveMyEx ]</small>

F4m,

Haven't posted much but have been reading alot and trying to keep up and see how things are going with you and some old friends here.

Without my relationship w/God, I wouldn't have made it through the last two years. But I was once given some very wise advice from my old sunday school teachers...And it's always good to consider the source of advice given. BTW...she and her H taught young marrieds for over thirty years and she was TN Woman of the Year a while back...So they are both wise and on the target..I remember when they called me long distance in GA and had gotten my number from one of my old friends from church. They told me it would take a few years but that this was one case where divorce was only solution. They said that I didn't need this nor did anybody that was a kind, compassionate, and loving spouse and parent. I will never forget when Jane said to me that a few years would pass and the storm would still be brewing, but would be more of a heavy rainstorm instead of the hurricane I had been weathering..But that God is here to get us through this and we have to NOT give up.

I am very upset when reading this about how you purposefully let sufdb/snl back into your life...You gave answers as to why, but they don't answer the pain. You are hurting yes, but some of it should be getting a bit more maneageable now. Like me, sometimes I hurt, but I realize that even the r my x is in now won't last and that he's not capable. SNL is not capable of meeting any one of your needs. And as a woman you deserve for your needs to be met. It's not healthy to live in this kind of world. I am glad to see how you got out and enjoyed yourself this weekend. That's the kind of spunk that's needed. And I also saw where you were thinking of singing up for an internet dating thing...

Those are good, they are steps forward, but when you open the door for your xh, let him in, let him play on computer, debate him in theology/relationship talks, it takes you two steps back for each step forward. It's like a ghost that keeps coming back from time to time haunting you. The only way to get happy is to let go of this. Sure, he did horrid things. Sure, he lied. We all know this. My x is and has done horrid things and will probably keep on doing them too. But that IS WHO HE IS. And I am WHO I AM. When you realize this and quit secretly desiring for him to change, you can move ahead. I still pray for my x. I hurt for him. But I can't do anything about it and am now a bit more excited about my future. You're in college, doing well, and have some bright spots now and then.

My advice? Do as our friends here have said and put up more effective and stronger boundaries to keep xh out of your personal life. That may mean locks too. Look at working on yourself as a kind of plan A for Mr. Wonderful that is out there somewhere and also for YOU AS WELL. Work on you. Use this inbetween time to become the woman God wants you to be, the woman YOU want to become and enjoy this time of preparation. Who knows? I am at a phase where my happiness doesn't at all depend on a man whatsoever. I like this phase. Try it. Do A for You, family, and faith. See what happens. One of my fav books is "Prayer of Jabez" and since I've started it again, the prayer, things are opening up faster than I thought...

Thanks Peachy - that is one of the things that enjoy the most is church. I used to be upset going, cause I was going by myself. But no more, I enjoy going cause what is being preached and my pastor being so... compassionate. I love to hear how he puts the sermon into everyday life. He talks with us, not to us.

I can see it now, you all are going to get REALLY upset with me. My oldest daughter invited her friend over a boy. He lives in a state just below us, Ohio. He came up for a visit to go to the auto show in Detroit. I got free tickets. Anyways her friend came Friday night, and my daughter made a beautiful gourmet dinner. Of course dad was invited. And he left after dinner. We all had to get up early to go to the auto show. Saturday night, I think dad came over again. Kris and her friend were just going to chill out. And dad ended up playing games with some of the kids. I of course was not asked again, but you know what, that is getting normal around here. Then today, XH came over to see my oldest daughters friend before he left for home. XH bought pizza for dinner and some condiments. So we had dinner togehter, and talked at the table. This guy is sooo... nice. AFter the young man left, XH and I were in the living room watching the greenbays play on TV. Then it was over, and we started talking.

I decided to tell him something that happened today. I unexpectedly had a woman of age59 come over. She is the daughter of the woman that I take care of her mother on Thursdays. She came over after her church, and I was already home from my church. She looked beautiful with her hair beautifully streaked and nicely dressed. I was in the living room talking to the young man while my oldest daughter went to feed the horses. This woman has never been to my house. And I didn't know who was out in the yard. I invited her in, and she wanted to say happy new year. I was totally surprised, and then I invited her to the table to sit. And then she started to cry. Anyways, her husband has been having an affair for a year, and she just found out about 2 months ago. She knew some of what I have been through, and so I talked with her for 25 minutes, and gave her 2 good books to read. She and her husband are in counseling, and she told me some of the things that she found. The cellphone bills, receipts, etc. I gave her advice, and said to protect herself. I told her the mistakes I made, and didn't trust the Harleys. And I have been burnt for those mistakes. So I gave her the warnings about finances, inheritance, etc.

We are going to get together and talk. I told her sometime privately, cause I don't know if the kids knew why she was crying and who this was for sure. I just introduced her as Mrs. G. daughter. For all the kids now know of Mrs. G. since I have been helping her out for about 5 months.

This 59 year old woman, left with hope. I was honest with her, and told her this is going to be the toughest part of her life. I expressed that she will lose weight, which I noticed and she said she is having a hard time eating. I said, normal, I told her I got so thin, and now I am depressed in another way and now overweight again.

Anyways, when XH came with the pizzas, and after the young man left for his home. XH and I were in the living room talking. And then I decided since the conversation of the young man was going well, that I would share the unexpected visit from this woman of 59. It didn't turn out like I thought it would. First I thought he would have the empathy or compassion to say, this must of been tough for you. Or something on the order of this must of brought back some bad memories for you. Nothing of that sort. It all went into, were they happyly married, did they have problems in their marriage, are they compatible, how long have they been married, and more. I said, wait, I only talked to her for about 25 minutes. And I couldn't talk freely cause my oldest daughters friend was in the living room.

XH and I were laughing earlier in the conversation before this came up. And now I am sorry I even said anything about this unexpected visit. The conversation escalated to how he is analytical, and I can't talk analytical back to him. How the other woman talked anaytical to him. How I don't listen to him, to what he needs. All I wanted was to tell him that someone came that I never really have talked to much about before. How we don't fit, he went on into that conversation again. How we are temperament difference, how he irritates me, how I irritate him, stating that is why we are divorced. I made a statement that all men after they procreate show be castrated and bobbed. He said, oh that is something that I can look at with admiration or something like that. We started on the conversation and it ended up with him getting mad, and getting up and saying, this is why I get so angry. I can't talk to you. One of the things, is I just stated that when we are talking about the woman that came to my house, that he wanted all this information, and I couldn't give it, and now I am thinking I should not give it out. He is not my husband, anymore. And from what I got from his statements, he not once cared how it hurt me inside, he was only looking at what is wrong with their marriage, and he to me seemed to want to dissect their marriage. There was not one ounce of concern that this brought back the bad memories of my finding out and the emotional imbalance. I told him that she is emotionally distraut. And he said to me, why does she have to be emotional distraut. He said, so you can take 2 people and put them together and they will be happy in a marrige. I said no. For one you date are attracted to each other, and do things for awhile. No you don't just select 2 people and put them together. He wanted to know why be married.

He brings up that I can do all the things I wanted to do while we were married not he won't interfere. He doesn't realize that financially I can't afford to do anything but try to live now. Sure he can go out and buy whatever he wants, dishes out money here and there and doesn't have to worry about bills, putting food on the table. So I can't do all the things that I wanted to do and couldn't cause he wouldn't let me cause it interferred with the business. He just doesn't get it, and never well. He said, he will find someone out there that is analytical like the other woman. I hope she has better morals than the other woman.

This is a VENT. Yes, he was invited over cause the daughter had her friend over.

But one thing came good out of this other woman coming over. She is a realtor broker. And she is going to sell my house for me. I trust her, and she has been doing this for her husband for 20 some years. Also, he didn't give her a paycheck, so she is broke too. He has been spending money on the other woman too. I told her that most affairs involve money, and some quite a bit, like my husbands affair.

Okay, so did I handle this wrong. Did I do wrong in telling him about the unexpected visit. I just have no one to discuss things with, and I felt good inside that she came to talk to me about this. She also, is at the state that her husband doesn't want her to tell anyone. Just like my XH wanted me to not say anything. But once again, I said how do you feel inside. She told me, and I said exactly. You are driving yourself nuts, and you are being manipulated by the one that deceited you. We are going to talk this week, and I hope that I can help her. I told her, you are out to protect yourself, and your husband will not be out there to protect you. I gave her the instance of my XH and letting the other woman manipulate me, and he didn't even have the want to tell the other woman to stop if he was so concerned about me. Which he wasn't, he was only concerned about the other woman, not his wife. I told her she is going to have to take care ofherself, cause you are nothing to your husband.

Well, tonight I have been crying, and crying. The memories, of those days. I told her that yep, XH said it was only emotional and didn't tell me it was physical until after my birthday. So I said, that might come out too. For she doesn't know. But I said, I would suspect it was. I said, most affairs are physical. I did ask, if the truth is going to hurt and she said yes. But she wanted to know what to expect. They are in counseling, and he wants to make this work. He is committed, and I said you are ahead already. For I told her XH never would commit. He was done, and threw me out when he had sex with the other woman. I told her about the e-mails, and how to get the info from the computer. I told her if she hires a good detective, this can all be done legally and without him knowing. I told her you will be like a detective, and she hates being like this. I said, yep, I hated everyminute, but my XH didn't give one bit about me. He was only concerned about the other woman, and still is only concerned about the other woman.

I wanted today to be a nice day. A relaxing day, for I have to go to school tomorrow. But once agian, XH didn't care about my feelings, didn't even think that this would hurt me and bring memories back. YEs, would of been nice to be acknowledged, but more hurt and pain.

Goodnight. Wrote a long letter to a relative, and they will get it this week.. And they call me everyonce in awhile.

Yep, just needed to tell you the events that happened today. Same old stuff, I am crap, XH says he doesn't like my not being analytical, we don't fit, I irritate him, etc.

More of the wayward spouse scenario. More of the wayward spouse demeaning words. I just wanted a little compassion, since I am having to deal with life on my own, and was hurting inside from the memories of not that long ago. But didn't get any, and should of not expected it. But was hoping and balloon busted into thousands of pieces. Bye.

Faith, Don't you see? He doesn't care what he has done or continues to do to you. You divorced this man so why do you care anymore? It is over, that is what divorce is.
How can you let him come over to your house and play "games" with your grown kids and let them exclude you. Shame on all of them! If this didn't bother you it would be one thing but you are very hurt by this and how much more self destructive can you be?
If I had the money I would send you on a long vacation away from him so you can get your thoughts and priorities straight.

jillybean - I wish that I could move away, or in fact send him far away, to the island for the deceitful liars.

Yes, he continues on the path of hurting me, and not once even looking back to see how much I am bleeding. Not once, even thinking about what he said, and not even thinking how this was painful for me to hear about another affair, and the betrayed spouse, worked for her husband without a paycheck. I told the woman it is going to be tough.

Yeah, XH is a big mouth man. A man that has shown me once again, that I am a complete pile of sh*t to him. He could probably just flush me down the toilet if I would fit. And smile and laugh as I was making my way down the ceramic tunnel.

Yeah, it hurt to hear about her affair. And he couldn't even say I am sorry that you had to endure this. And that it must of hurt to hear about another marriage having an affair. He doesn't have it in him to do this. He doesn't have it in him to have compassion.

Once again he went on his analytical symantics and that I am not analytical and can't deal with him. We talked and talked while we were dating. I wonder what we talked about. Yeah, it hurt so much. And I keep letting this happen cause I am a stupid f&cking b*tch. At least that is what he called me for so many months. Kept blaming me for him calling me this name, cause he said I was spying on him and the other woman while hew as talking to her on the cell phonne. Once again, yesterday all he cares about is her. He didnt again say anything to me, that he was sad for me. That he was sorry that I had to endure all of this. Just more of how MRS. otherwoman was messed up, how she didn't knew what she was doing. I told him, she knew, and she had a plan. Like all the counselors told me. She knew, used me, coerced me, and she got what she wanted. She wanted another man in bed, she wanted money to have fun, and she wanted gifts. She never did anything for my husband. Even when they were togther, she didn't give him anything but her sexual body. She didn't even make him anything to eat. Just use our money for her pleasure and fun and then beat the crap out of me too.

I don't wish this woman any happiness. I actually would love it if she were dead. Or in pain everyday. I know this is mean, but I am so sick of dealing with XH and his disregard for my feelings. Go to H*LL SNL, and everyone knows who yoou are.

Faith,

I don't post much any more and I don't read every post, but yours I can't seem to stop reading even thought they bother me. I finally deceided that the reason I am both attracted and disturbed by them is becasue I see parts of myself in them. I spent too long trying and trying to somehow be good enough or smart enough or witty or coversational to somehow repair the relationship and draw him back to me, or to get him to relate to me or even just be kind to me. I tried to lead by example, to be kind and thoughtful, to try and change and open up more to him.

But you know what? He was done, he had shut me out, he had no intention of being kind or thougthful or meeting any of my hopes and dreams and expectations. He had to shut me out and have me be the bad guy and be mean and distant in order to seperate and deny our past.

And SNL is the same, he is never going to meet your expectations or needs. He is long gone from the person you knew and loved. He is never going to be that person again. You seem to keep having the hope that he will treat you better, that you will see that old him. I'm sorry Faith, but he's only going to treat you worse. You keep putting yourself out there with hopes and needs and expectations and you have to stop if you are going to move on.

He is happy doing what he is doing, he can come and disrupt your house, he can still be included in family gatherings, and then he can leave when he chooses. He has it all. Why would he want to change that?

You are the one who has to change. You shouldn't share your day and your difficulties and expect compassion and comfort. It was when I no longer tried to draw him out and do the superfical small talk that I knew I was distancing from my X.
You have made him comfortable by continuing to share with him, by trying to ease his way with the holidays, by including him in the casual family gatherings.

I know how easy it is to fall into the same old patterns, to have the same old fights, to think it will be different, but one day maybe you will realze that there is a world out there where you don't have to have that pain every day, where you can let him go and you can move forward without needing to have those same old interactins with him every day.

Good luck.

<small>[ January 12, 2004, 10:59 PM: Message edited by: Lora ]</small>

Faith,
Let it go! Let him go! Quit using God as an excuse to continue with this addiction with him.
You know we all care about what is happening with you and that is why we are telling yo as we see it.

It's good to let it out, but your actions are what's bothering me...Not the words so much.

You're letting this happen. You're not allowing yourself to grow. Jilly's right. You gotta cut free..I will write you a permission slip or get doc's orders for you if that's what it takes ok?

She's also right about the part where God and faith are the supposed basis but it's still an addiction w/ ex. I pray for my x. I do. But it doesn't make me interact with him. The man has taken one step inside of my new home and for maybe ten seconds before I pushed him out. Not forcibly mind you...Just politely. Turn your home into a place of peace and a sanctuary for the kids and you. That means no x.

I can't say this enough. Stop it now with him. Get A NEW COUNSELOR...This one ain't workin' hon. One that will make you stand up and do something pro active. He's got it good...He can bring a pizza and play hubby and dad for a day...except he lashes out, makes you feel bad about yourself, and you're still celibate...How's that for moving on? Not working is it?

It's like the old Chicago song.."Hard Habit to Break"..Mine is "Like a Pill" by Pink...Just like a pill...stead of getting me better you keep making me ill...stay away...Cut yourself off. As BArney Fife says on Andy Griffith: "NIP IT IN THE BUD". You have to. Enough is enough.

Are you gonna move ahead with me this year and along with some of our friends here? ARe you? Isn't this year your year finally? Is it yours? Make it so. (Captain Picard)Is it going to take yet another year of precious life passing by to keep wishing and dreaming you got more out of time and days? Until you heal you and cut him off, you will not grow...You won't be good for anybody to date muchless first for yourself and the kids...Faith is used along with this for sure...Incorporate faith into your healing and doing this...God is behind you...He doesn't want us to suffer mercilessly at the hands of a WS and an unrepentant one at that. Please stop this for me. Please?

Let it end now with him. No more chinese food or pizzas or what bringing ove r. Tell him you want the money he owes you. Food tastes better in better company anyway. Let him sit alone and scarf down some egg foo young..See how he feels when he is all alone...Or maybe his mom could join him in some pizza. But he forgot he had a wife and a family. Sorry. His loss. When will you start posting about how you BLOCKED him instead of how you ENABLE HIM. Guard up! Wall up! Chin up! And I am saying these things to you less than 24 hours after finding out my xh ran off with a skank. So if I can do this despite what I am going through, then you can for sure...

Please do this...for us who have pulled for you and mostly for the kids and for yourself. It's over now faith...the man is gone..the marriage is over. Tell "baby, stick a fork in me...Because I am done here."

Hi Peachy - I have been so down, and out. More of XH and what he has done that has caused me to spiral down. This is something that was out of my control.

Yes, I want to move ahead with you, move ahead and be myself Ms. T. B. (my name). I want to find a great job, get insurance, get a paycheck, meet new friends, meet christian guys, get a bachelors degree. Just so much crap still making my steps awkward and hard to maneuver.

The latest crap, is my left shoulder has a torn rotator cuff. The Dr. said is from the right shoulder and neck and back being injured and in pain for so long, that my left shoulder took most of the work to give comfort the the right. So the MRI showed that it is torn. I did physical therapy for 3 weeks, and they said that I should see a orthopeadic surgeon. Anyways, the Dr. that did the right shoulder won't see me, cause there is a balance left over from the other shoulder and it is about $2,000. XH had me ask them if it is paid, will they see me. The Dr. said no, that I have a history of balance not being paid. And to top it off, this surgery that I need now would be paid by medicaid. Anyways, I have had this appt. with another Dr. in the same practice. And this Drs. secretary called me yesterday after 3 weeks being on the schedule (cause I was suppose to see the Dr. this Tuesday) and they won't see me now. Cause he is with the Dr. that did my first surgery. And the person who made the appt. was rude with me, and said why did you try to make an appt. with this 2nd Dr. I said, I didn't know he was in the same group with the first Dr. I asked. She was sort of like blaming me, and I said, this leaves me in a predicament. Cause Medicaid gets dropped after Feb 12, when my youngest son turns 18. So I have to see a Dr. and have surgery before Feb. 12. I was upset, and the person who made the error, tried blaming me, and she was quite rude. I didn't try concealing anything, I was honest, and trying to find out if the Dr. took Medicaid and the choice plan that I have.

Anyways, I called started this morning, and found another Dr. after calling many Drs. I had everything set, got the Dr. that wants me to see a specialist and had them fax materials to this Dr. Then they call back this afternoon, and said, he no longer takes my plan on Medicaid. I said, why didn't they tell me up front, and I guess the first person that I was talking to didn't know for sure. So now I have to call medicaid to see if they will give an authorization for this Dr. to see me. And the other Dr. has all the information too, and who knows what will go wrong with that Dr.

Xh is upset, as well as I am. See XH was to pay the Dr. that did my right shoulder, per the divorce decree. And he hasn't done it. He hasn't done the paperwork to see if it can get covered by insurance we had at that time. I know XH is slow on paperwork, but this is way overdue paperwork. And now all of this has caused my name to be on the crap list of that ortho. practice. Even if we were to pay the first bill, that practice said they won't take me now.

I just started crying yesterday, and said a few choice words to myself. And I prayed, I prayed that God would help me to settle down. I didn't sleep well last night for I just said life is just not worth living. I just seem to fight and fight for my life. I seem to fight for food stamps, I just found out they reduced my food stamps to $290 per month when I went to the grocery store and saw the receipt. To feed me and the kids. It was $312 last month and now this month less. And of course, I won't get any next month, cause it will end Feb. 12. Which they don't activate the card until around the 10th or 12th. of each month. I won't have insurance or anything. And I need to get this one tooth extracted too. A root canal that has gone bad, and the cold is causing more pain.

I don't think Xh realizes that I am under sooo.. much stress. And this added stress of the bill not being paid, and finding a Dr. is so unreal. I have called my family assistance to see if I will have medicaid until my son finishes school. But I have called them twice and no one returns my call. This is not unusual, cause last time, I called and no one returned my call for 2 weeks. So tomorrow, I will call the head of the department, which took her a few days to call me back. So much for the government looking out for people who have fallen through the cracks.

I have rosacea, and I woke up this morning with quite a few bumps on my face. The result of stress taking over my system. The signs of my body under attack of stress.

Peachy, this is why I get so darn low, and ready to quit. Like you, we just seem to fight and fight. Next thing I will see, is my xH telling me he is going to marry the sex pscho in his life too, just like you found out secretly. Just when I think that things are going to start going in the right direction, bombardment hits me hard.

I thought about on the way home from school tonight of quitting schoool, and just find a humdrum job. That is all XH told me to do awhile back, get a job as greeter at Meijers, or working at Meijers. He doesn't care if I am falling in the cracks, and the stress I am under and Just seems no reason to go anymore.

I have to work at this, this weekend. I have to get myself out of this hell hole. I am going to see my gyn soon, and going to talk to her about increasing my anti-depressants. Maybe that is what I need, just can't seem to get out of this humdrum emotional state. Of course, I won't have the money to pay the prescriptions, since Medicaid will be cut-off. Still on medical with the Dr. I do have pain in my shoulder, and loss of motion.

January 10 was my fathers birthday, and I talked to him at the grave. He has been gone 2 years on January 2. He was a good man, and listened to me. He must see the pain I am in, and I wish that he could hold me. I wish that I could talk to him in person, and we could hold each other. I am so messed up, and there just seems to be no end to this turmoil.

I better go, talk to you tomorrow. Hopefully, I will be in a better state of mind. Thanks.

The last two days have been really miserable. I have been on the phone talking with medicaid and my case. I have been trying to find a Dr. that will look at my left shoulder for rotator cuff tear. And to see about scheduling surgery. Seems one difficult time after another. First one says that I won't have coverage, then the Dr. visit will only be paid for, then the surgery will be paid for and no follow up. So I went to FIA office today to get things set straight. Spent 4 horus and 15 minutes, sitting around, doing homework. Talking to the people at the counter about 3 times. Giving them the same information, and just wondering why am I in this horrible place. XH knows why. Anyways, after many minutes passing by, I finally talked to someone on the phone. Talked to a couple of people then at the end of the day I finally got an appointment to see my case worker, next week. Just more of the crap.

Nothing really accomplished, oh, I called the school and had a letter from them that my son is a senior in high school. The acceptance letter to college. Just burnt out, and am going to take a relaxing bath and soak and condition my hair.

Out for the night. Goodbye.