I went through a torrid 11 year marriage in which my X wife had back to back affairs for most of our married life. After much soul searching I divorced her and remarried a beautiful, supportive wife with a kid of her own. I have two children. Fortunately, I got sole custody over my kids and my new wife got sole custody over hers. Naturally, we are building a new family and our kids are wonderfull friends.

Problem: To give our kids a real home with a real mom and dad with the least amount of interruptions, I told my X wife that the kids are experiencing too much stress during school terms if they are shuffled too and fru between us during the middle of the week. During schooldays, they must stay with us without interference from her. She can have them over weekends as much as she like. This caused a great deal of tension between me and my X but she seems to be willing to adhere to that ruling, albeit reluctantly. Furthermore, she constantly wants to participate in their shool events, she constantly phone them from her work during the day and promise them that she will come and pick them up after work without first obtaining my permission.

This behavious is causing a great deal of stress in our household because my new wife cares for all of our kids as if they are all her own. The whole situation is upsetting to me and my new wife and consumes a great deal of discussion time. My x-wife acts like the kids belong to me and her alone and treats me with virtually the same amount of disrespect that she treated me while we were still married.

Question: am I out of line here if I tell her to stay away from school functions like "first day at school", sport events, buing them school clothes, etc. I want to take her needs and rights into consideration but not at the expense of my new family and my new wife's feeling. She is their mother too. My X's presence at functions upsets me and my new wife and I frankly don't want her around when it is our time with the kids.

Comments please.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by RecoveredDad:
<strong>Question: am I out of line here if I tell her to stay away from school functions like "first day at school", sport events, buing them school clothes, etc. I want to take her needs and rights into consideration but not at the expense of my new family and my new wife's feeling. She is their mother too. My X's presence at functions upsets me and my new wife and I frankly don't want her around when it is our time with the kids.

Comments please. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">There's no, "too" about it-she is their mother. She was a horrible wife, and I'm glad you found someone with whom you are happy and who loves your kids like her own, but you can't rewrite history, as much as you may want to.

I have been in a similar situation-my XH became my X by becoming physically violent. I would have been perfectly happy to have him disappear through a hole in the earth and never be seen again, but he was and is our son's father. He was there for every back to school night (one time all four of us were there-me, my H, XH, his wife- I joked that if S ever got in trouble at school no one could say it was lack of parental involvement), every teacher conference, etc. It took me 18 years to be able to be in the same room with him without being physically ill, but I did it for my son-it wasn't his fault that his Dad was a lousy husband to me.

I think you can work out a compromise with your X-she can go to those events (can you really stop her?) and buy the kids back to school clothes (one less expense for you-what is the problem?) but cannot have the kids overnight on school nights. My hunch is if you don't fight her on every little thing, she'll be more amenable.

By the way, you speak of her "promising" them she will come and get them. That makes it sounds as though your kids still find being with her to be enjoyable. If you keep trying to cut her out of their school life, they may someday come to resent it. I agree that as their dad and custodial parent you have the right to make decisions that they don't like at that moment, but you really need to take their feelings into account in making those decisions.

Caution:

The opinions expressed below are those of the author alone, and may not be the opinions of any other person on these boards:

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> My x-wife acts like the kids belong to me and her alone </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">THEY DO
Anyone else you allow "into" their lives does not have to be someone SHE wants to abdicate her position to. In fact, in MY OWN OPINION, she does not have to abdicate her position as their mother to anyone. - NO MATTER WHAT SHE DID IN THE PAST.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> treats me with virtually the same amount of disrespect that she treated me while we were still married.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">This is the only thing I would agree with you: She should not be treating you like this. Is she disrespectful to you (verbally? physically?), or is she only "being disrespectful" in your opinion by her demanding to spend time involved in the children's lives?

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Question: am I out of line here if I tell her to stay away from school functions like "first day at school", sport events, buing them school clothes, etc. I want to take her needs and rights into consideration but not at the expense of my new family and my new wife's feeling. She is their mother too. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">In my opinion, yes, you are out of line.

My friend, I feel for you. I do. You have been through a difficult ordeal. Your W "left" the M. YOu rebuilt your life for yourself and your children. BUT (get ready, here comes the 2x4!), no other woman ever gets to take her place as your children's mother. Yes, your new W may be a *wonderful* person, and can be a fine "substiture" - stepmother. But both you and your W must never try to "replace" their mother with YOUR choice for a new mate.

That blood bonding that they share will never go away. It just won't. Deal with it.

I wonder if the "upset" she is causing the children is really a side effect from the "upset" she causes your new W? Is it possible the children are feeling some of this and projecting it, but that it is coming from the adults in their lives, and not really from their own hearts?

Listen, Recovered, I'm not saying you don't have a valid concern, up to a point. You are walking a very thin tightrope. You must keep your W happy. You must keep your children happy. You must not upset your xW, or life becomes more difficult. I do understand your concerns.

BUT, bottom line, the relationship between your children and their bio mom cannot be usurped by another woman in your life. It won't be a happy situation for anyone if that is what you and she are trying to do.

I was a stepmom. I know of what I speak. Your (new) W has to find her own relationship with your children (just as you must forge your own r with her child), but it cannot be at the expense of your xW. SHE IS THIER MOTHER. Period.

My 2¢.

Sorry

God Bless,

<small>[ January 16, 2004, 05:43 AM: Message edited by: lupolady ]</small>

Hi elsbeth and lupolady

thank your for your opinions. I am still new at this, married a month ago, and trying to figure my way through all these new issues.

In my experience one has to be emotionally extremely mature not to get your views clouded. I must do the right thing, and as you said, I am walking a very thin tightrope here. The last thing I want is being the middle man in a squable between a new wife and an x-wife.

Me and my x had two discussions today about who get to see off the kids at their first day at school etc. She started accusing me again of all the old accusation about who cared how much for the children in the past. I just had to bite my tonge and prevent me from being side-tracked and drawn into a tit-for-tit accusation game. In the midst of this I also had to try to be unbiased and realistic regarding visitation rights. (Just had to pat myself on the shoulder). It remains a difficult thing and has the potential of causing conflict in my new marriage though.

Thanks again, I appreciate your comments.

... oh yes, my new wife does not want te be made to feel like my x's childminder. She spend a lot of time and effort with my kids to the detriment of her own kid in order to create a real home for all of them. Somewhere my x must take this into acount and respect me and my x's kids right to a stable home also. That means that I cannot allow her to barge in whenever she likes and upset my kids with promises and emotional "I love you and wish you were here" telephone calls. They would not have been upset if she just left them alone until the weekend when she can have them as much as she likes.

We tried to divide the time that they spend with each of us in half but that meant that they had to switch over halfway during the week. This led to school stuff ending up at the wrong parent's home which caused destress for the kids.

Comments guys, please. I am new here and would appreciate some objective opinions.

Thanks for your time

DR-

A suggestion that worked for me is to set a dedicated time that XW can call the kids each night. She does have the right to tell thtem how she feels, and you are reacting from your emotional wounds by trying to protect your kids from her. Her emotional baggage and relationship baggage with you, does not mean that she doesn't love her children.

Basically, you need to put boundaries in place, and simply accept that XW will always be there in the aspect of the kids life.

No, you do not have the legal right to prevent her from comin gto school functions either. What you can do though, is to give the school some self-addressed, stamped envelopes (With X's address on them) and have them send pertinent information to her directly. That way, you are less in volved with her.

As far as your new W is concerned, I think it's admirable that she is makinig an effort to be there for your children, but she can't hold you responsible for the choices that SHE is making. She is CHOOSING to try and replace your X. Truthfully, she is setting herself up for a fall there because the KIDS will always love MOM first.

If the discussions continue, and thte resentments build, Who do you think thhe kids will side with in the end?

My best suggestion is to stop letting your XW get in the middle by having you and your new W emotionally react. Put thhe healthy boundaries in place and let go of the crap that she is trying to pull. The less you react to XW, the calmer things will be.

You have no right to prevent a mother from seeing her children. Even if you have sole custody, I would presume she has some visitation rights?

Our custody agreement explicitly states that both parents can attend school functions.

Your children have one mother and one father. It's great if they have a healthy role model in your new wife, but she's not a replacement.

It doesn't sound like any of you have read any books on parenting through divorce, or remarriage or stepfamilies. Get to the library. Use the resources available. I'd also recommend counseling for the family.
How do you think it makes your children feel that you've blocked their mother from their life? Have you thought about that?
Do you also say negative things about her? If so, do you understand that they may believe they have these traits since they come from her?

GROW UP and become a responsible parent!
It's not all about custody, it's creating a safe environment for your children and raising emotionally healthy people.

(((RecoveredDad)))


Let me preface all my comments by saying that I have joint/shared custody of our 3 girls. My x and I live 25 miles apart. I’ve posted on this site for almost 3 years. After my divorce my posting were narrowed mainly to child issues and as of late I haven’t been posting. However, after reading your post I could not help but to respond with my couple pennies worth of thought. In advance I apologize if I’m a little rough with my responses but I don’t have a ton of time to “politically” word them.


“””To give our kids a real home with a real mom and dad with the least amount of interruptions, I told my X wife that the kids are experiencing too much stress during school terms if they are shuffled too and fru between us during the middle of the week.”””

What is a real home? Don’t your kids already have a “real” mom and dad? How do you know there is “too much stress” by switching kids during the week? Is the stress on the kids or on you?

“””During schooldays, they must stay with us without interference from her.”””

Why? Is it because it’s best for the kids or best for you and your new wife?

“””She can have them over weekends as much as she like. This caused a great deal of tension between me and my X but she seems to be willing to adhere to that ruling, albeit reluctantly.”””

I’m sorry but after reading this far I’m confused as to whether your talking about “possessions” or children.

“””Furthermore, she constantly wants to participate in their shool events,”””

As any good parent would want too. And why do you not want her to be an involved parent?

“””she constantly phone them from her work during the day and promise them that she will come and pick them up after work without first obtaining my permission.”””

Provided your orders state something different, I agree, that is wrong.

”””This behavious is causing a great deal of stress in our household because my new wife cares for all of our kids as if they are all her own.”””

That’s great but they are not her children.

“””My x-wife acts like the kids belong to me and her alone and treats me with virtually the same amount of disrespect that she treated me while we were still married.”””

The kids will never have another biological mother or father. As far as disrespect, I can understand and relate to that because I don’t have a great relationship with my X. But I’ve also found that my behaviors can have some influence on hers.

”””Question: am I out of line here if I tell her to stay away from school functions like "first day at school", sport events, buing them school clothes, etc.”””

Unless the kids are in danger of harm, which I find hard to believe at a public event, then you are wrong.

“””I want to take her needs and rights into consideration but not at the expense of my new family and my new wife's feeling.”””

Well thus far I’m not seeing that you are wanting to do that. Seems like you are wanting the whole “Leave it to Beaver” thing in your new house but with your and your x-wife’s choices that ain’t happening.

“””She is their mother too.”””

She is their mother PERIOD….

“””My X's presence at functions upsets me and my new wife and I frankly don't want her around when it is our time with the kids.”””

Three words GET OVER IT. I don’t know how old your kids are but you are going to have to deal with your X through the rest of your life in one form or another. There are going to be sporting events, graduations, wedding, funerals, and so on. Why not foster the best relationship possible rather than a power struggle.

”””Me and my x had two discussions today about who get to see off the kids at their first day at school etc.”””

I pray that y’all decided that you both should attend to show a united front in raising your children.

“””She started accusing me again of all the old accusation about who cared how much for the children in the past.”””

Is she at all justified in her accusations? Quite frankly, after reading your posts, I think that you and I might have a hard time getting along. Could it be that you share some of the blame in the constant bickering. Remember it’s not what you say, it’s how you say it.

“””In the midst of this I also had to try to be unbiased and realistic regarding visitation rights. (Just had to pat myself on the shoulder).”””

For what?

“””It remains a difficult thing and has the potential of causing conflict in my new marriage though.”””

What came 1st your children or your new marriage and whom shall get your favor when conflict arises between the two?

”””... oh yes, my new wife does not want te be made to feel like my x's childminder.”””

I have no idea what that means.

“””She spend a lot of time and effort with my kids to the detriment of her own kid in order to create a real home for all of them.”””

What is the definition of a real home?

“””Somewhere my x must take this into acount and respect me and my x's kids right to a stable home also. That means that I cannot allow her to barge in whenever she likes and upset my kids with promises and emotional "I love you and wish you were here" telephone calls.”””

It seems as though you are attempting to “force” your X out of your kid’s lives. What is she suppose to do?

“””They would not have been upset if she just left them alone until the weekend when she can have them as much as she likes.”””

I have not went one single day since my divorce without talking to my children and I don’t believe that anyone should have too. Sure there are times that the kids get upset after talking to me or they get upset after talking to their mom but that is part of life and the cards that we dealt our children.

””””We tried to divide the time that they spend with each of us in half but that meant that they had to switch over halfway during the week. This led to school stuff ending up at the wrong parent's home which caused distress for the kids.”””

Somehow we’ve been able to do that for nearly 3 years without distress. Sure it causes us as parents to ensure that the children have what they need and it teaches our children responsibility. I’m not saying that something has never been left but we deal with it just like we’d deal with it if we were married and something was left at home.

Please remember that what is not stressful for you (or your new wife) or convenient for you (or your new wife) is not necessarily what is best for the children. Your new marriage may not be what is best for the children and may have caused them stress but the bottom line is that we have to make the best choices at the point in life where we are right now.

RC,

Could you imagine how YOU would feel if your ex got custody of your children and not you??

Could you imagine how YOU would feel if she told YOU those things??

I have custody of my kids--but I can tell you how *I* would feel if my ex-h told me those things--

I would be angered--to the point we would be in court in a heartbeat--you have NO right to tell your ex-wife she can't go to the kids school functions--just as I have no right to tell my ex-h, he has NO right to be there--or can't go to them--as their father--he has every right to be there and to call them as much as HE wants too--
just as they have every right to call HIM whenever THEY want too--

Your ex-wife's and your childrens relationship is THEIRS--and they should be able to build whatever type of relationship they can based on the circumstances in which they are in--and if you try and interfer with that--You'll be the one to suffer in the long run--

by your telling your wife she *can't* go to these functions your basically telling your kids--you have to choose between YOUR MOTHER and YOUR STEP-MOTHER--which in the long run--no matter how much LOVE you new wife shows your kids--they will resent HER and YOU!! and it will undermine the family you are now trying to build--

If you really want what is best for your kids--let them and their mother work through this--
if THEy have a problem with her calling them every
day--then let THEM tell her that--THEY actually MIGHT LOVE talking to their mother everyday--knowing she still loves them--and that JUST BECAUSE SHE DIVORCED YOU---Doesn't mean she DIVORCED THEM!!!

<small>[ January 16, 2004, 10:51 AM: Message edited by: ThornedRose ]</small>

RD,

I am not an expert at this stuff but I see TWO problems being bundled into one, actually maybe three. You need to take them apart a deal with them separately.

Problem 1 : The children

If you have sole custody, then YOU are responsible for your children. Which means ONLY you or someone you have designated can pick them up from school. Please consult your lawyer about this and then talk to the school about this. You don't want your new wife, NW, to go to school to pick up the children only to find out, they are gone with xW.

I think you are going to have to address yourself to the fact that your xW is their Mom. Unless your court orders give you the right to deny her visitation, expect her at school and school functions. You divorced her, she did NOT divorce the children. I know it is uncomfortable, sometimes even really annoying but that is the deal.

Problem 2 Your W's Confidence

Your W needs a lot of reassurance from you that SHE is #1. I would guess that she is really focused on your children because she wants you to love her AND her son, and a sure way to do that is to be a VERY VERY good Mom to your children. I think you can see where I am going. Your W is going to want to be the best Mom possible to your children for a variety of reasons and one of them is to please you. You two need to sit down and be "radically honest" with each other and use the POJA so that she is comfortable and realizes that you two are a team even when xW is a horses a$$.

Any kid can do with TWO Mom's. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> So see if you and your W can set this up so that they get the best of both Mom's without conflict. But reassure your W where you stand.

I will say that she needs to understand that if you accomodate xW some, it doesn't mean W is losing favor.

Problem 3 XW

Your xW will consciously or perhaps unconsciously do her best to undermine your marriage. She lost more than she admits to you, and jealously of your happiness can rear it ugly head. SOOOOO, you and W need to sit down and really talk about this possiblity. Construct a plan to make sure you and W communicate well if some anxiety builds up, and a plan to present a united front to xW. My thinking here is that clear boundaries are set while making sure xW does have access to her children.

Someone suggested a designated calling period (perhaps a couple of hours at night) after homework, but before bedtime. You two figure it out, then negotiate with xW. Put the ball in xW's lap. Make her responsible for keeping the children happy and functioning by giving them structure in their lives along with you and your W.

My point is that I have had many friends deal with some if not all of the issues you are. The ones that did it best are the ones that presented a united front, kept the kids a priority, and realized that the spouse on the out, still needed to be in the children's life.

Frankly, if there was a reason for the spouse on the out, to be OUT of the kids lives, the court should have issued appropriate orders. If they did not, then by definition both parents are important.

So sit down and think about this and see if anything I have said is of help.

Congratulations on your marriage and God Bless,

JL

Custody issues will last as long as you kids are in school. My xw filed for sole custody and we ebded up 45/55 with me having them 45 percent of the time. I see my girls every other week Tuesday thru Sunday. Joint custody can work. My kids don't even go to school in the same city me and my x live in. So I have to drive them 20 miles to school every morning they are with me. Things can work though.

My xw would love to musscle me out of the picture much as you are trying to do. I was married to a woman that continually cheated on me, I completely understand where you are coming from. How could she possibly be giving them as good of a home as you are. Mine is going as far as having my kids call her bf "pops". That is just twisted isn't it! Follow the divorce papers as to custody. Reminder that was the agreement that was reached. If it does not allow her any time to see the kids and you feel she should be allowed some time come to a workable agreement. Put it in writing and follow it.

As much as you don't like your xw don't take her kids from her. I do not like my x wife and I feel my girls would be better with me I will never fight for more than equal time custody unless my girls want more.

You are in a tough place, good luck and don't let it destroy the new life you have.

Have you or are you planning on doing any step family counseling or classes?
Learning how to integrate families?
It's not as "easy" as simply moving in together.

I'm a dad of 3 in a soon to be over marriage...if her lawyer ever bothers to do anything.

We share the kids 50/50. So some nights they sleep at my house (5 nights a week) and some at mom's. Every day after school they go to mom's. Mom is working nights.

I think this is working great for us. The kids are all dogin great in school and we all get to see each other, everyday, more or less. The kids are 9,8,6.

Personally, I don't think you should EVER try and keep the kids away from mom (or dad). I believe that is wrong. Sounds like most people are saying the same thing to you already. Doesn't really matter what you two think of each other, she's the mom. Period. You are the dad. Period. That will never change. As long as she is being a good mom and you a good dad, then I think that's all that matters.

Nothing will ever keep me away from my daughters school activities. In my opinion, it is somewhat "unsettling" that you would even have the nerve to ask such a thing. Unless she is being a bad mother, like taking the kids out to the bar afterwards. LOL

I don't agree with many of the things my X does, believes, way she lives, things she says, etc. But that doesn't mean I feel like I should keep my kids from them. It does mean I can show them what I think is right...and mom can show them as well...and someday they will decide for themselves.

Personally, I'd slap ya in the head a litle and tell ya to come down off your high horse, realize that your kids need THEIR MOTHER, not your new wife, and start putting the kids' needs before yours and your new wifes. That might be a little harsh, I don't know you or your story or your ex-W or your current wife, but I do know what it is like to raised kids in different homes.

They need both Dad and Mom.

Something that helps me to make decisions is this. Ask yourself will it matter in a week, in a month, in a year or in 10 years. If it is something that won't matter in a week, let it go. If it will matter in 10 years, give it some thought on the right way to handle it.

Good luck

If I had talked to you prior divorce, I would have advised you to spell everything out in gross detail.

When she gets them, how long, where she picks them up, when she picks them up, when she calls, what she can and cannot attend. This would have eliminated the issues you are now dealing with.l

Also, I know your new wife is a very important person in your life and the life of your kids, but in the eyes of the law she is a COMPLETE STRANGER with regard to the issues of custody and visitation. She has no legal standing and no rights to decisions regarding these issues.

You have a very difficult balancing act. You are in a new marriage, and you have an X wife. Each of these requires alot of time and focus on your part.

Also be sure that any interfering in the contact between your X and your daughters is done soley by you. Also be sure that any interfering you do does not violate the orders of the court.

If you are doing anything contrary to the court order stop it now and follow the orders of visitation to the letter. If the order states she gets them during the week, you better let her have them, even if you think it is too disturbing because she can file a petition with the courts that could result in you being found in contempt and charged with frustrating and order of custody and visitation.

If the decree isn't detailed enough, get to your lawyer and file for an amendment to the original petition. Until the time the amendment is added to the original petition by the courts you must follow the original orders to the letter.

Tough information, but well worth it. Also, I would encourage you to visit and join a site called

www.freeadvice.com and go to the family law section, and from there the visitation and custody board. There are tons of folks who can help you research laws in your state and give you advice on how to deal with your X.

Just because you have sole custody of your children does not mean you can just not take your X out of their lives. Your xwife made the mistake and left the marriage for her own selfish reasons, unfortunately, that is between you and your x, although everyone suffers you cannot prevent her from making any decisions in the kids lives. Like my X and I, I have to include her with every detail of my kids school and outside life, I have to let her know if the kids are ill, leave school early, and any functions that happens. I see alot of divorced parents who cannot compromise with visitation that I feel in the long term effect it will only hurt the children.

The best solution would be to come to some kind of compromise, it is great that you are remarried and have a very supportive wife, but just remember do not try and replace their real mother with someone else. My X was a wonderful mother before she got caught up in all the flirting at her job and eventually led to our demise, but I will never prevent her from seeing her own kids, even if I were to remarry to someone wonderful.

Your X is entittled to know what is going on in your kids lives, she is entittled to call her kids if she wants to, our arrangements is for my X to see the kids once a week and every other weekend. I told X that she can see them every day.

That is my opinion. Good luck

Just because you have sole custody of your children does not mean you can just not take your X out of their lives. Your xwife made the mistake and left the marriage for her own selfish reasons, unfortunately, that is between you and your x, although everyone suffers you cannot prevent her from making any decisions in the kids lives. Like my X and I, I have to include her with every detail of my kids school and outside life, I have to let her know if the kids are ill, leave school early, and any functions that happens. I see alot of divorced parents who cannot compromise with visitation that I feel in the long term effect it will only hurt the children.

The best solution would be to come to some kind of compromise, it is great that you are remarried and have a very supportive wife, but just remember do not try and replace their real mother with someone else. My X was a wonderful mother before she got caught up in all the flirting at her job and eventually led to our demise, but I will never prevent her from seeing her own kids, even if I were to remarry to someone wonderful.

Your X is entittled to know what is going on in your kids lives, she is entittled to call her kids if she wants to, our arrangements is for my X to see the kids once a week and every other weekend. I told X that she can see them every day.

That is my opinion. Good luck

RD,
One thing I have learned in being divorced almost 4 yrs is that thing involving the x never remain constant, so it is of no value to get upset. Things will eventually change usually for the better.

After my divorce, on the first day of school, x came to our house with a huge video camera taking videos of the kids. The next two yrs, nothing.

Same with school stuff, first year she went to everything she could, now, I don't think she has even been to the high school our d attends. She did go to our s's middle school orientation, but missed when our d went there.

For a while x took the kids only every other weekend, but not during the week. Now she wants them every weekend, and I said no, I wanted some fun time too.

What I am saying, if your x is still in the fog, she will eventually find someonething that will occupy her time and she will again forget about the kids. Her main reason now is to fight with youI think the only reason my x came back into the kids lives more was because her marriage to the om ended and she only has her work.

I do understand about the stress for the kids visiting during school week. My kids don't like going for only a night or two, especially my d, because she never knows what she is wearing to school and takes about her whole wardrobe and its difficult. She has started just staying with me if she's supposed to go to her mother's for only a couple days and she is picking them up late.

SO try to relax, think what is best for the kids. Sorry new wife has to take a backseat here.

I say this very kindly and gently to you. Yes, your xw is wayward and reason for divorce, but she's the mom.

My xwh just mere weeks after judge signs papers elopes with preggo mistress. Now she's the new wife and I will be darned if they will present to me a unified front when it comes to my being a mother to my child.

It is great that the roles are reversed here as I want to be in your shoes someday as remarried to incredible man who will be incredible stepfather. But I will NEVER shut out my son's dad from his life. Your new wife is their stepmother. She is not their mother. Please please do not try to confuse that.

Have you thought that her presence might be very hurtful and confusing to your xw.?? I don't mean xw wants you, but that she may feel and rightly so that you're replacing her in the eyes of your kids with this new woman. I know, because I had a good cry about this one myself this week. And as God as my witness, there is only one mom to my son. LIKE THE HIGHLANDER SAYS...THERE CAN ONLY BE ONE.

And if he tries, he will NOT succeed. I respect my former h only in that he is the father of my child. Other than that, nothing. And I am the responsible parent there. Also, I totally agree with the person who posted above me about the mentality of the waywards...When they get engrossed in their lives...that "it's all about me" feeling they get sure, she may back off, but do not encourage it. Some days I would love for my x to just do that. But reality is, he has to pretend he's this great dad so the new "married and blended family" act he's doing with pregnant mistress will seem legitimate to the rest of the world and to those who knew us when we were married. Gotta put the wayward spin on things always making them seem good when they're a heap of lies...right?

And remember, while the kids may seem perfectly happy and love the attention this woman is giving them they still may feel confusion. My son is very very confused about OW/W. He goes thru motions when he is with his dad. His dad even makes him tell her that he loves her. My son does not. He feels pressured to "go along" with what his dad wants him to do. Is that right? Is that good? No. It's wrong.

So don't force any pieces of this new puzzle together. Please do not. I say this from experience seeing a five year old little boy being forced by his dad to suddenly accept this new woman, her three year old son illegitimately, and her new baby soon to be born. Sometimes things are a bit much for children to swallow. If we are gonna choose to become parents, give birth to them, then we must put them ahead of our own emotional needs. That's the hard part about divorcing when you're a parent. My son is at the heart of all of my decisions and I know he's not close to that with my xh, but he wants people to think it is that way.

Thank you everyone for your time and contributions. I felt that my judgement might be clouded by my emotions and that I needed to get some informed opinions.

The one thing that runs like a golden thread ghrough all the postings is that my kids' biological mom is by rights their real mom and that I should respect that and act in the children's best interests. I will think about this and have to find a way to make that happen in my new family.

The custody agreement between me and my xw is: Me sole custody with her seeing the kids every second weekend. At first I let her see the kids 50% of the time. That meant the kids are with us Monday to Wednesday afternoon and every second weekend. But, for some reason in her personal life she started dropping off our son late for school and that put stress on him + from time-to-time I got frantic phone calls to bring some forgotten school thing. The morning when my S started crying when he heard that his mom will take him to school, I started to think about this situation. I just reconed that to create more stability in their lives, it would be better for them to stay with us during the week during school terms and with her over weekends, every weekend. That means, I give up fun time with them to compensate for having them stay with us during the week. Furthermore, she lived alone in our previous family home. She has already let out 3 rooms and have herself and the kids sleep in one room. Our D sleeps with her on the double bed and our S on a mattress on the floor. One of the tenants is a gay mail person and the other two are a male and female student. I don't think that she needs the money because she has a well paying job, has a very upmarket condo in a university town that she let out to students, and is receiving money from a creditor who bought her and her sister's farm. If we were still togehter I would have flatly refused to have a truck load of tenants in the house where my 6-year old daughter lives. What happens when she wants to quickly go out for a couple of minutes and leaves our S (10 years) and D (6 years) in the house? I do not feel comfortable with that arrangement. Furthermore, I told her that during the school holidays she can have them as much as she wants to. Due to her job, however, she drops them off with us during the day during school holidays. We have a female housekeeper during the day.

You all seems correct about having her around for school functions and other important events in their lifes. I was very uncomfortable during the last two functions that she also attended. I don't want to talk to her or socialise with her. My opinions of her is harsh but they were formed after she told me that she wanted a separation because she think something might happen beween her and onother man that she met at a local sport club. In the meantime she had affairs with other men and a woman for most of our married life. Sorry for rambling but 50% of may waking ours are still spent resenting the absolute fool I was being made of by her. It seems to me as if my xs played the "bored housewife available for sex"-role to the hilt. I must have been the laughing stock of her friends who knew what was going on. Please excuse me for venting! I feel so humiliated. It angers me every time I think of what she and the people she had been with must have thought of me, while I was trying my best to be her supportive hubby. Oh no!! In my opinion she is a manipulative, vain person who only thinks of herself. Again, excuse me for rambling and venting, I just have to get all this stuff out of my system. She still acuses me of having been a pathetic father and compares me with her family. For every accusation that she makes, I feel I can bring in 10 counter arguments to prove the oposite, but I refrain from that and just try to ignore it and keep to the point. Aaagh!!

Excuse me, back to the basics: I still think, its best for the kids to stay with us during the week during school terms while she can have them for the rest of the time, including holidays. I thing its unfair to exclude her from school functions. I will also have to sit down with my current W and have a good heart-to-heart about the situations.

Thanks you all for reading and posting. I appreciate all your opinions.

God bless.