oops

Why is every area of a WS's life attacked and diminished?
It’s not.

But does it automatically make me a horrible parent, an inadequate wage earner, a lousy worker at home, an unwise money handler, socially retarded, an insensitive communicator, temper ridden, an overall neglectful, mean person?
No, but if that is what you are, then that is what you are, whether it is a bs or a ws.

Was there anything good about the person before you married? If not, why did you marry? If yes, then some it must still be there.
Yeah, it MIGHT be there, but usually it all goes out the window, if only temporarily while the affair is ongoing.

But does that make the WS inept, disgusting, and ill intentioned in every area of his/her life?
Again, not necessarily.
But also, there are almost no one here who describes their ws like that.
Perhaps if you take the worst of everyones story, and add them together.

And if it’s a recently discovered affair, then the bs sometimes does what the ws does. They tend to think the whole marriage was a lie and everything was bad about the ws. But it’s almost never the case.

IVGiven, I've thought about this before and I think that many of the BS's who hang around here a long time had a WS, like mine, who is many of those things you asked about. Infidelity alone didn't make them that way, as many others have said, it's their ongoing behavior that revealed how they really are.

Several important points have been made here. First, and foremost, is that unless you have experienced the incredible pain of betrayal, it's hard to imagine that anything could hurt that much. While I was having surgery, chemo and radiation for breast cancer only 18 months after my mother died of the disease, I was told by a friend that another friend, who's H of 20 years had just left her for his HS sweetheart, wished she could trade places with me. At the time, I was highly offended, because I was face to face with my mortality and couldn't see how she could compare her situation with mine. But 2 years later, when my H of 20 years left me for an employee less than 1/2 his age, I understood what she meant, and agreed with her!

Second, as others have also said, if our WS's had accepted responsibility for and been honest about their behavior, it would have been different. I asked my H soon after DDay, to be honest with me and tell me if he loved the OW and wanted to be with her but please not to string me along. Unfortunately he "strung me along" for about 1.5 years until I finally couldn't take anymore. This was not only unfair but cruel.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">But does it automatically make me a horrible parent, an inadequate wage earner, a lousy worker at home, an unwise money handler, socially retarded, an insensitive communicator, temper ridden, an overall neglectful, mean person?...But does that make the WS inept, disgusting, and ill intentioned in every area of his/her life?</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">In my case, YES. A horrible parent...My H abandonned me and the 6 teenagers who lived in our house and after an attempt at reconciliation based on his attempt to get back in control of our mutually owned business, he kicked me out, moved his OW in, and when 3 of the kids objected, he kicked them out on the street late at night. He was in my niece's face until my stepson jumped in to intervene. The 3 kids who stayed, did so because my H was buying them alcohol and giving them drugs.An inadequate wage earner, an unwise money handler... He hasn't worked in 3 years, ran up bills of thousands of dollars a month on the company acct. until I got control of the money. I have sent him and the MOW money from the business for the last 3 years just to keep him away from me. A lousy worker at home...During the 2-3 weeks he controlled our home after kicking me and the kids out, the house was trashed with garbage, beer cans and drug paraphrenalia everywhere and he and MOW were kicked out of 5-6 different rentals for damaging the property and harassing landlords and neighbors in their first 2 years together.Socially retarded...WH was giving drugs to employees as well as to the kids, even getting mad at one employee who wouldn't smoke pot with her, demanding, "What, you think you're too good to get high with me?" He has cut off contact with his entire family and all his old friends. An insensitive communicator, temper ridden, an overall neglectful, mean person?... My WH kicked in my door 3 times, trashed the house, threatened to kill me, screamed obscenities at me both at home and at work, and left pages and pages of hateful letters filled with accusations about me still being in love with an old boyfriend to justify his behavior despite a restraining order.

BTW, MOW was last seen walking around a mall wearing a mumu, sweat pants, combat boots, with greasy hair in braids. One of my H's old friends described her as a "foul-mouthed 'Yo,' girl," because of her rap-music slang. She's lazy and has a hard time getting along with people, but she worships my STBXH and according to my step-son, does anything he wants her to do. As for me, I'm almost as cute and wonderful as FaithfulWife <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" /> and no one who knows anything about our situation can understand why my H did what he did, and continues to do. Need I say more?

I try not to dwell on this stuff anymore for my own sake, not his, but the wounds were reopened last week during a deposition in which he lied about everything. My part in all this? Well, I have serious codependency issues and still suffer some PTSD symptoms from the abuse cycle I was caught in. I've been working on myself since DDay with the help of IC and Al-Anon.

I must agree with the other posters here. It is not JUST the affair or repeated affairs that make the person who they really turn out to be. It could be said that the trouble in the marriage was due to the immature way that the WS deals with social issues. Perhaps, the marriage difficulties were only the result of a WS who deals with the world in a context the rest of the world doesn't accept. The lies that go along with the affair/affairs... the repeating of the "when do I get my solace" in the face of the entire family's disintegration. The "so what's", the lies at work (school), the lies to the children, family, friends, relatives about the circumstances. Filing for full custody in order to blackmail more money out of the father.

Lying to the OM, telling him she was already divorced. Telling the OM that he shouldn't feel guilty about having an affair, after seeing pictures of his 3 and 1 year old children wearing their Halloween costumes. Drinking and driving to build up enough courage to go through with the affair, and then calling her children each night while she is with him saying "Nothing much going on here."

Saying that the husband is 'controlling' because he thinks the last $80 should go to electricity bill that is due rather than the new pair of shoes she just bought. Thinking that just because she sleeps around when she says she is "going to work" means that when her husband says he is 'going to work' that he is having an affair, and feeling justified in her affair.

Planning a divorce for 'two years down the road' after her husband has finally finished his training and she 'can take half' (stupidly didn't even look into reality). Blaming the ex for 'making' her get liposuction that she had been begging for for 10 years.

Saying, "I'm sorry, I just did things out of order." as her feeling of an apology.

Nope, it isn't just the affairs, it is the WHOLE package.

I would add a couple of things. Many of the Betrayed Spouses didn't feel the depth of the problems in the marriage. If the BS's needs were met, and that outweighed the lovebusters, the BS's still felt warm and cared for. Probably they sensed a change once the affair began, but many never had a clue.

For most BS's the discovery of an affair is like a huge explosion. All of a sudden, they must challenge every belief they held because the central one "my spouse wouldn't do this to me" is untrue.

I think the WS's, the good ones who have a conscious, feel as much pain too. But it's just a little more pain each day and a little more distance. It's erosion versus explosion. And because of the erosion, the WS has a lot of time to get used to the pain, the distance, the disconnect.

Sometimes, Discovery occurs early enough in the affair that the marriage can be saved. Sadly, discovery seems to happen too late more often. The WS is too entrenched with the OP.

Or sometimes, the WS isn't in quite the fog we all like to think, and the affair is simply an "exit affair" something to use to ease the pain of leaving the marriage.

then there are the hard core abusers. These people look at their mates at property, or a resource at their own disposal. These people misuse and/or abuse their spouses and naturally tend to have affairs because they have no real human connection to their spouses, or anyone else. They tend to have serial affairs, sometimes more than one at a time.

These are the ones whose lives are disasters by society's mores. And guess what? They are the same people, only when they want to possesss someone to use, they hide who they are. They are charming and warm and fake a connection they cannot feel. Sometiems, they even fool themselves into thinking they do feel a connection, but they can't.

The spouses of these types of BSs have a huge hurdle to overcome. Not only are they BSs, but they are often victims of abuse. They've been at the very least mistreated and used. Their understanding of relationships is marred because of the marriage.

All that said, I'm a firm believer in trying to put it behind you by changing what you say and think about your spouse.

The problem with venting too much is that venting can actually increase your wrath. Especially, if the one venting feels he or she has no control over teh situation. People who respond can actually enflame the venter further. This makes it hard to work through the anger and let it go.