I see the MB program as a "Hail Mary" pass for us. With football, the timer runs out. The timer is running out for me. I'm pleased by what I see so far. There is no pressure to make a commitment to the M. What is requested is a decision to go through the program of recovery. I say I am willing to do it. My H says he is willing to do it.

If we go through this program and it fails or if either one of us drops out, then there is no point continuing in a M in which neither of our needs are being met.

I may be twisting the objective of MB but what I see is that the real goal is to end bad marriages. Either they get fixed or they get ended. I've been going to a support group at a local church and told my H that it was for people dealing with bad marriages. Last night, I told him the name of the group is DivorceCare.

Yes. Maybe not to end bad marriages, but to uphold the sanctity of marriage as an institution (first). And, as you say, to honor that with your actions or cease being married in a fradulent way.

Interestingly I now have objectives for myself & my married state after this first session with the counselor. It went well and some of the conclusions I came away with were:

Getting divorced is not the first thing that needs to be done. Many other things have to come first; it is only an eventuality, with contingencies.

I have obligations as a wife that I have not fulfilled and am not fulfilling. There are things I cannot do right now, or maybe ever, but there are many things I can (and must), right now.

My having had an affair is just one thing in the scheme of many that must be dealt with.

We each need to reveal to the other just exactly who we are. That has never been done.

It's good to have these things in mind, now I will not waste time in counseling. I found the most wonderful man to work with--we connect and agree on so much.

Harley's book "Buyers, Renters, and Freeloaders" is my favorite of his. In it, he says that marriage is a commitment of care. Might be an interesting book for you to read as you decide what to do with your M...

Yes--we are going to have to go clear back to the beginning and examine our motives for marrying and see how that compares to what we believe and do today as individuals. Thanks for the tip. I am in a phase of exploration and framing of problems so every little bit helps.