Well, I worked my butt off today, making some money. My mother-in-law is leaving Tuesday to see her brother in Calif. after his triple by-pass and he just lost his wife 3 days before his surgery. His wife just died sitting in a chair.

Mother-in-law asked me to kind of watch over her cat. This is her 1st out of state trip in over 15 years. So I said yes. Well, XH lives with her, cause he chose this. I after working all day, went to talk to her, about if she is packed, and see where the stuff is for the cat. She said, that XH said he will take care of the cat. Believe me when I say, XH is not responsible. But maybe this time he might be. I told her that I will check in once in awhile, when I am in the area, she lives a few houses from my mother.

I come home, and XH calls. We got into an argument about him hating to call me to come over to my house. Which is respect to me. He ranted on about do other people have to call?, and I said yes. And he says that why can't we be civilized to each other. Anyways, it escalated into another argument, cause I won't back down, and he won't follow my boundaries. Counseling & others have told me, he has to realize this is not his home ever again, this is my home. And no, he does not need to come here to visit the kids, he has a place of his own. So he got high on his dialogue about how nuts I was, and etc. And that the conversation started going in circles, and I did what I HAVE to do. He doesn't follow the boundaries, I HANG up. I did, and he is pissed off.

All I asked is that he please call to see if it is okay to come over here. I will decide if he is allowed her or not. For this is my home. This is my home, not his home. He has no need to be here. For if he wants to talk to the kids, he can call them on the phone, or invite them to his house. He is one that doesn't like to be told to do anything. For many of you know how he is here on MB. For if anyone disputes him, he gets all pissed off and goes on his dialogue that all he is talking about is radical honesty. He wanted the divorce, he wanted to have a sexual affair with a bimbo, he wanted to live at his mothers, which I feel she really would rather have him out, but those are my words. So he has to follow the boundaries at my house, and with my words. He goes into this rehetoric talk about if you were not so vindictive, mean spirited. Any woman, in my shoes would do the same. And the worst of it is, he is not used to me showing my back bone. I am trying very hard to not let him shove me around any more. And now he is going to retaliate back at me. He is really screwed up, and will do crazy things. I really think this man is psychology messed up, and needs to see a psychiatrist.

So I suspect that he will continue on the woe is me pattern for the next few days. His pattern is usually the woe is me for a few days. And then he will use statements like, see that is why we are divorced. See that is why we don't get along. Not once, not once, does he say that he is in the wrong. Everyone else is always in the wrong. He never says he has done anything wrong, or mislead anyone.

The retaliation I already know what it is going to be. And I am preparing myself. Life is very difficult when you have a controlling xh. He hates for anyone in this house not to do exactly what he says. And when he gets service calls, he complains up to high clouds why do these people call. He would complain if they didn't call. He complains to show that he is in CONTROL. I read that in a book, those that complain, have lost control, therefore complain to seek control. Makes sense to me. But I am getting myself for his retaliation, and I think I have it figured out pretty good. I lived with him for 25 years, and it doesn't take much to upset this man and make him ballistic.

JUST A VENT!!!

faith4me-

Whenever we put up boundaries, especially after not having them, others get very angry. That is completely normal.

The boundaries are what you will or will not tolerate. They are not to control him. Don't let him drag you into arguments to defend your boundaries.

Calmly state your boundary. Say "I need you to call before you come over". When he asks if everyone else has to call, tell him "I'm more comfortable when you call first". Then if he keeps going on and on tell him that you have to get off the phone now.

If you are consistent, he will realize you mean business and will start respecting your choices. But it may take some time. It is really hard at first, but gets easier and easier.

Bravo Faith! You are finally getting it. See when you stand up to bullies they stand down. Just keep up the good work.

Jill

believer - I see, that he will start into his circle of using others to get an argument going. Where I should just say, for respect, please call me to see if it is okay for you to come over. Don't have it down pat, but I see where I just ignore his cycle and stay on the subject of what the boundary is. He has done this most of the marrigae, and it is a hard pattern to break. But yes, I see where I did allow him to break into his cycle of control, and I did answer that ? and I should of just stayed on the subject. Good words of wisdom, thank you.

Jillybean - thanks for the encouragement. It is hard after 25 years of being the little woman that sat back and had to be a submissive woman and agree to what the husband said, even if it was demeaning to me. It is hard, for sure. And stay on the subject and let him hear the boundaries is all that is needed.

Yes, I am moving forward, this husband that I once had is no longer around. The man that I see is a lonely old man that has no friends, except for you all here. That is his life, and he has chosen to live the way he is living. And controlling is still his outlook on life.

I do still pray for him, which I feel is okay. My life is no longer surrounded around him. He is only an X and the father of my children. I am grateful for my 4 children, and I love them so much. My life is taking a different direction than his, and God is working with me. I have allowed God back into my life, and that was my goal from the beginning. I have always wanted a christian man, who loves church, and loves being around people.

Thanks for the encouragement and the praise. This is hard, but the XH needs to know there are boundaries. And he needs to abide the boundaries. Thanks.

That was awesome. Doing much better. Putting up a new fence one picket at a time. He will get it sooner or later.

But you're still passively communicating...that is, if he is SUFDB here at MB. I was surfing yesterday reading up on those I know and seeing how everybody did yesterday and how we made it through that stupid holiday and saw where on GQ sufdb replied to a post. Very long reply with a whole thing about his family, past, his divorce, kids, etc...and then a few, maybe two down from his is your reply there. Even you know he's here, completely disengage from him if he is that poster ok?

If I knew JEthro was reading here, I would not post at all about my life or be very vague. Only ask specifics and be vague. That's just something that goes along with good boundaries. HE won't learn. Won't change unless he wants to and it doesn't matter if he sees you in pain a thousand times. I say be strong and show him you are meaning business. He doesn't deserve to read what you are thinking or feeling because he gave up that right. It's like giving him ammo to use against you. I love you and pray for you daily.

Keep working on you and doing what you need to do. He will only change if he wants to and he's not your problem now.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">But you're still passively communicating...that is, if he is SUFDB here at MB </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Mmm....interesting! So there's a theory that SUFDB is Faith4Me's ex?
Read his post on my thread: OM (BF) and MY friends..do I mingle?

See this quote:
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">wouldn't the best outcome be your w choosing an affair with someone that is good for her (if that is the case)? Or would you rather she dumped the om cause of the social disapproval, and selected some loser that everyone "approves" of? Since the harley's (who are the experts) and most psychologists as well, beleive everyone is capable of infidelity under the right circumstances, it makes no sense to "judge" someone simply on that basis alone.... is that what you are doing with this om? Or is he a predator?
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Classic stuff.
I , unlike you, would love to engage with him, even correspond with him, to try to get inside of what he believes. This quote is pure justification, and I suspect, just the tip of the iceberg that sunk Titanic

muzohead

muzohead - whomever he wants to be is his choice. He is the one who chose the affair, he is the one who chose divorce, he is the one who is still controlling, and losing control. That is his choice. I will not say who he is, for there are threats.

Peachy - yep, I am doing better than a few days ago. The ups and downs come around. I have been reading the bible, most nights. Something that I have wanted to do (as married but he didn't want to read the bible), so I am doing this for me. I have never started it and finished it. If it takes me two years, that is okay. For I have school, and I usually take a few pages at night to read.

I am looking forward to my school break. Schooling is tough at this older age. And still so many other things to do around here, to try to get this house ready for sale. Yes, I will be so happy to sell this house, and get into something that is small and mine. This house has many triggers, and therefore, this house is not a happy house for me. I put a lot of hours and dirt and grime and elbow grease into building this house, and my oldest daughter and myself did all the insulation. I need something small, economical and efficient. But I will see what this house will sell for. Like the guy at church said, maybe next year would be better, cause they are building a new subdivision across the street, and behind me is all the farm land going to a subdivision.

I am thinking of checking out another state too. Just something that I have been thinking of, and getting information on too. Not this year, but maybe in a few years.

Peachy, life is going to work out. And I know that I will be fine. Not wealthy, but probably able to live from month to month. Not sure yet. I deserve to do somethings for myself, for me only. I have been giving for the last 25 years, and now it is time to do something for me. My kids, will be leaving this house, soon, very soon. 18-25 years of age, 4 of them.

Yes, XH doesn't need to know who I am. I don't read his stuff much anymore. Just sometimes I will lurk about and seek what he is up to. But it seems to be of the same rhetoric stuff. Repetitive, and therefore, I move on. I don't tell him much of my life, cause 1. He is really not interested. 2. He is still trying to control me. 3. He is argumentative. 4. And you can't talk to him much anyway., 5. He demeans the conversation by saying see, that is why we are divorced. Or that is why we don't get along.

So I don't want to converse with him, for he is psychologically not stable. And I know this for a fact now. He seems to have a mental problem. And he seems to think he knows everything. The only one that knows everything is GOD. And GOD didn't commit adultery, and do all that XH has done to his wife and children.

I don't post much, cause, XH gets upset with what I write. I did get mean and say to XH that you have to ask me if you can come over. Don't ask the kids, cause this is my house, not their house. He doesn't like it, and still says something demeaning when he calls, like I am calling you now to ask you if I can come over, or something of that order. He doesn't get it, that it would be nice if he did it in a nice manner. But I guess that will be him. All he would have to say, it I have some papers to bring over, and would like to know if I could bring them over tonight, or are you busy? But know, he has to put in before the question, that he is being made to do this. That he is being told to do this. Just more of the control issue.

I was reading in a magazine today about marriage and love and divorce. They had a piece about the Marriage Builders Boards. And that they have a good % of the people were making their marriages work. The technique is great for communicating, in positive manners. Not the way many people talk out of habit. It was an interesting topic, and I want to get it out of the library. So when I go back to the Dr. tomorrow, I will write down the issue. Anyways, it showed how many couples take each other for granted, and of course, kids change things, and money, and all the issues of living.

Thanks, Peachy, and I will check in tomorrow. I am going to take a soaking hot bath, and soak this shoulder spasm away. Got bad this afternoon and been using my heating pad that goes in the microwave. Soaking the pain & spasms away.

Well, well, I had another medical bill collector call yesterday. There is an outstanding bill of $2,400. She asked when this would be paid, and I said I am divorced, and that the XH will be responsible for this. So, I gave her the #, and she will ask for payment. It is another old bill. Yep, the pattern of medical bills not being paid, continues on. So, I told her that I have no job, and that he is self-employed, and that he is responsible for the bills of the kids. These are bills of 2 kids. See, the pattern of XH is he doesn't want to pay medical bills. But still he seeks medical help, wanting to be FIXED!. But if a customer doesn't pay him, then he gets so bent out of shape. And gets angry at the customer. It works both ways, he is responsible for paying services rendered, and the customers of his business are responsible for paying for services rendered.

Just floors me, that in his perception of life, that services rendered to him do not need to be paid. What a mess, but it will get fixed one way or another.

F4M,
I too was pleased to read your post, and especially since it really wasn't a vent but an example of you maintaining your boundaries.
And your tone is very different in this note - positive and self-focused.
Keep up the good work.
Yes we all slip and get into our blaming modes.
I hope this tone continues for you.

And about the med bills, in the past you would have gotten very upset - now you just pass along the information - its not your problem to solve.
Good move.

Yep. You are doing better by placing the blame where it should be...you did well with the bill collector. It's hard but you have to take it step by step to rebuild financially...I have had to do that myself.
Now...let's get to this other matter...You said,

"Yes, XH doesn't need to know who I am. I don't read his stuff much anymore. Just sometimes I will lurk about and seek what he is up to. But it seems to be of the same rhetoric stuff. Repetitive, and therefore, I move on. I don't tell him much of my life." and later on in your last post you said, "I don't post much, cause, XH gets upset with what I write".

Yep. You admitted it. You do lurk and see what he's up to. You say you don't tell him much of your life? Well you know darn well he's posting here, reads here and you post every day on what you are doing every day to us. You also say that your x gets upset with what you write...That means you are FULLY aware he IS READING WHAT YOU ARE WRITING...thus you ARE PASSIVELY COMMUNICATING WITH HIM. You're not going to get anything out of it. Only reaction you're getting is making him mad. He's not changing. Like I said earlier, if my xh read here or lurked here or went so far as posting on same forum as myself, I'd quit posting about me and only ask specific questions because I am in plan B with him. I went "dark" long ago. You can't do an effective plan B or have truly effective boundaries if your x knows all about your life and keeps coming to visit and coming in and all that.

Do you want him to know what's going on in your head? Do you want him to know how hard it's been? Or would you rather show him a strong and confident woman who ACTS rather than shows her strength by posting?

No wonder this guy thinks he can barge into your home anytime he wanted to. Sure you are putting up VERBAL boundaries now...but you're leaving your mind and your life WIDE OPEN and he's got carte blanche to read into your state of mind. He hears advice we are giving you and sees what's coming if he doesn't behave. That's like giving the password to a thief so he can open the bank vault easily without having to crack the code. And sure we support you and we don't like what he's done, but is he supposed to feel shame or guilt through passively hearing that he did the wrong things? He knows you went to eat with that guy. He knows about you earning extra money. Personal stuff isn't good for them to know. It's not their right to know about us anymore. They have their lives, we have ours. You are doing very good things trying to put him behind you, but remember...we all know that he cheated on you. That he filed for divorce. That you believe divorce is wrong as do myself fundamentally and many others here. But my friend, I swear if my xh were to find out what happened to me on a daily basis, I would definitely be fighting an even more uphill battle. I don't want to invite him into my life now as he was the reason things were in chaos for so long. Do you want the chaos back? You must if you are passively communicating with him.

Let's lay it to rest. Let's focus on you now and your getting ahead. When you're mad at a specific event he's doing NOW, then write about that. Venting is great. But letting him find out all the good little tidbits about you is not good to do. It's like you want him to see somehow what he's missing out on.

Faith, he is a XWS. He's foggy. Foggy people rationalize and make excuses for what they do. I say keep him in the dark. Well, a bit more darker anyway.

Dr. Phil would ask this..."what is the payoff for you passively posting to your xh?" ex: a wife pouts and her xh gives in to her pouting for whatever reason...payoffs for pouting. YOu admitted that he gets angry at reading your posts..payoff? possibly making him angry?

My goal is for you to be that independent woman you are and you know you are. Each day I pray that you detach less and less and most of all CARE LESS AND LESS ABOUT WHAT THIS GUY WANTS, THINKS, DOES, OR LOVES. He's not healthy. And he's not made you healthy. One of my favorite Dr. Phil quotes is "I'd rather be healthy and alone than sick with a spouse I cannot trust." Cut him off. Cut him off from your life.

Yep. You are doing better by placing the blame where it should be...you did well with the bill collector. It's hard but you have to take it step by step to rebuild financially...I have had to do that myself.
Now...let's get to this other matter...You said,

"Yes, XH doesn't need to know who I am. I don't read his stuff much anymore. Just sometimes I will lurk about and seek what he is up to. But it seems to be of the same rhetoric stuff. Repetitive, and therefore, I move on. I don't tell him much of my life." and later on in your last post you said, "I don't post much, cause, XH gets upset with what I write".

Yep. You admitted it. You do lurk and see what he's up to. You say you don't tell him much of your life? Well you know darn well he's posting here, reads here and you post every day on what you are doing every day to us. You also say that your x gets upset with what you write...That means you are FULLY aware he IS READING WHAT YOU ARE WRITING...thus you ARE PASSIVELY COMMUNICATING WITH HIM. You're not going to get anything out of it. Only reaction you're getting is making him mad. He's not changing. Like I said earlier, if my xh read here or lurked here or went so far as posting on same forum as myself, I'd quit posting about me and only ask specific questions because I am in plan B with him. I went "dark" long ago. You can't do an effective plan B or have truly effective boundaries if your x knows all about your life and keeps coming to visit and coming in and all that.

Do you want him to know what's going on in your head? Do you want him to know how hard it's been? Or would you rather show him a strong and confident woman who ACTS rather than shows her strength by posting?

No wonder this guy thinks he can barge into your home anytime he wanted to. Sure you are putting up VERBAL boundaries now...but you're leaving your mind and your life WIDE OPEN and he's got carte blanche to read into your state of mind. He hears advice we are giving you and sees what's coming if he doesn't behave. That's like giving the password to a thief so he can open the bank vault easily without having to crack the code. And sure we support you and we don't like what he's done, but is he supposed to feel shame or guilt through passively hearing that he did the wrong things? He knows you went to eat with that guy. He knows about you earning extra money. Personal stuff isn't good for them to know. It's not their right to know about us anymore. They have their lives, we have ours. You are doing very good things trying to put him behind you, but remember...we all know that he cheated on you. That he filed for divorce. That you believe divorce is wrong as do myself fundamentally and many others here. But my friend, I swear if my xh were to find out what happened to me on a daily basis, I would definitely be fighting an even more uphill battle. I don't want to invite him into my life now as he was the reason things were in chaos for so long. Do you want the chaos back? You must if you are passively communicating with him.

Let's lay it to rest. Let's focus on you now and your getting ahead. When you're mad at a specific event he's doing NOW, then write about that. Venting is great. But letting him find out all the good little tidbits about you is not good to do. It's like you want him to see somehow what he's missing out on.

Faith, he is a XWS. He's foggy. Foggy people rationalize and make excuses for what they do. I say keep him in the dark. Well, a bit more darker anyway.

Dr. Phil would ask this..."what is the payoff for you passively posting to your xh?" ex: a wife pouts and her xh gives in to her pouting for whatever reason...payoffs for pouting. YOu admitted that he gets angry at reading your posts..payoff? possibly making him angry?

My goal is for you to be that independent woman you are and you know you are. Each day I pray that you detach less and less and most of all CARE LESS AND LESS ABOUT WHAT THIS GUY WANTS, THINKS, DOES, OR LOVES. He's not healthy. And he's not made you healthy. One of my favorite Dr. Phil quotes is "I'd rather be healthy and alone than sick with a spouse I cannot trust." Cut him off. Cut him off from your life.

Yep. You are doing better by placing the blame where it should be...you did well with the bill collector. It's hard but you have to take it step by step to rebuild financially...I have had to do that myself.
Now...let's get to this other matter...You said,

"Yes, XH doesn't need to know who I am. I don't read his stuff much anymore. Just sometimes I will lurk about and seek what he is up to. But it seems to be of the same rhetoric stuff. Repetitive, and therefore, I move on. I don't tell him much of my life." and later on in your last post you said, "I don't post much, cause, XH gets upset with what I write".

Yep. You admitted it. You do lurk and see what he's up to. You say you don't tell him much of your life? Well you know darn well he's posting here, reads here and you post every day on what you are doing every day to us. You also say that your x gets upset with what you write...That means you are FULLY aware he IS READING WHAT YOU ARE WRITING...thus you ARE PASSIVELY COMMUNICATING WITH HIM. You're not going to get anything out of it. Only reaction you're getting is making him mad. He's not changing. Like I said earlier, if my xh read here or lurked here or went so far as posting on same forum as myself, I'd quit posting about me and only ask specific questions because I am in plan B with him. I went "dark" long ago. You can't do an effective plan B or have truly effective boundaries if your x knows all about your life and keeps coming to visit and coming in and all that.

Do you want him to know what's going on in your head? Do you want him to know how hard it's been? Or would you rather show him a strong and confident woman who ACTS rather than shows her strength by posting?

No wonder this guy thinks he can barge into your home anytime he wanted to. Sure you are putting up VERBAL boundaries now...but you're leaving your mind and your life WIDE OPEN and he's got carte blanche to read into your state of mind. He hears advice we are giving you and sees what's coming if he doesn't behave. That's like giving the password to a thief so he can open the bank vault easily without having to crack the code. And sure we support you and we don't like what he's done, but is he supposed to feel shame or guilt through passively hearing that he did the wrong things? He knows you went to eat with that guy. He knows about you earning extra money. Personal stuff isn't good for them to know. It's not their right to know about us anymore. They have their lives, we have ours. You are doing very good things trying to put him behind you, but remember...we all know that he cheated on you. That he filed for divorce. That you believe divorce is wrong as do myself fundamentally and many others here. But my friend, I swear if my xh were to find out what happened to me on a daily basis, I would definitely be fighting an even more uphill battle. I don't want to invite him into my life now as he was the reason things were in chaos for so long. Do you want the chaos back? You must if you are passively communicating with him.

Let's lay it to rest. Let's focus on you now and your getting ahead. When you're mad at a specific event he's doing NOW, then write about that. Venting is great. But letting him find out all the good little tidbits about you is not good to do. It's like you want him to see somehow what he's missing out on.

Faith, he is a XWS. He's foggy. Foggy people rationalize and make excuses for what they do. I say keep him in the dark. Well, a bit more darker anyway.

Dr. Phil would ask this..."what is the payoff for you passively posting to your xh?" ex: a wife pouts and her xh gives in to her pouting for whatever reason...payoffs for pouting. YOu admitted that he gets angry at reading your posts..payoff? possibly making him angry?

My goal is for you to be that independent woman you are and you know you are. Each day I pray that you detach less and less and most of all CARE LESS AND LESS ABOUT WHAT THIS GUY WANTS, THINKS, DOES, OR LOVES. He's not healthy. And he's not made you healthy. One of my favorite Dr. Phil quotes is "I'd rather be healthy and alone than sick with a spouse I cannot trust." Cut him off. Cut him off from your life.

Thanks Newly, I took my vehicle in early this morning at 7:15 with 4 problems to the delearship. They just called, and the shuttle service is on their way to pick me up. I called and found this dealership is suppose to be a good dealership. Just hope that is correct. Hard dealing with all this by myself, but I can do it. And I did a lot of it before, but always asked XH for approval. If I errored, then it is my problem.

I am studing for an exam tomorrow.

Peachy - yep I give too much information out here. I guess I will just keep it simple like you said. No information is what he needs now. He doesn't care aboutme, and there fore, he doesn't need to know what I am doing.

I had school last night for an exam. I felt I did good. I had class tonight, and this class is confusing. It is health policies, and I am still not certain on the policy that I need to write, but I will give it my best, and if it is wrong, I will learn from the first one.

I have plans for tomorrow. Pretty busy, been working on stuff at home for tomorrow. Just trying to get ahead, and trying to keep reading in my bible. I had a fantastic dream last night, it was so wonderful. And I hope this is a sign from God.

Peachy, I hope to get a job one day, so that I know that I will have a regular income, and benefits. So that I won't have to rely on the government. This month is my last month of food stamps. So the kids will have to realize that this is it for food. Too bad. We will lose weight, and that will be it.

Yes, the work is continuing, and I enjoy schoool. It gives me a sense of well being. All these years I heard my XH calling me a F*cking B*tch, and how crazy I was. Well, I am not a FB and I am not crazy. I am a loving woman, with great ambitions.

You seem to be doing pretty good. The dating you are going to let cool down for awhile. I think that is excellent action. You need to deal with your son, for after the incident of the bruise. I wiould keep a good eye on him. Us caregivers, in the medical field, take good care of our loved ones. My oldest son, just had a severe case of pink eye. I got him into the Dr. Monday afternoon. And the Dr. prescribed topical antibiotic drops. He went back in on Tuesday, and his eye is doing much better. Today it is doing much much better. The poor kid was miserable. He didn't want to go to the Dr. but pink eye and the eye is nothing to play with. The son doesn't have insurance, but the Dr. was really nice not to charge us for the 2nd visit.

I care so much about my kids, and their health and their emotinal states. Divorce is hard on myself and the kids. Just dealing now, and moving on. I love the way the weather is changing, and I am thinking of start walking with my dog again. Just to lose this darn weight, and get into the walking group in town. They meet on Sat. mornings. Something for me, to get myself in better health, and meet new people. Who knows, maybe I might meet the christian man that I have always wanted in my life. Not holding my breath, but I can dream.

Good night, the meds are kicking in.

Good for you. Keep studying and plugging away.

And btw..opposite of love isn't not caring or hate; it's indifference. x's see us as an oddity and they will have preoccupation to see that we're held down just enough to keep them happy..but that's what they would like it to be for us.

Keep being positive.

It's not that you post too much, it's that you're giving away your state of mind and your future actions against him right out there for him to see. How can you slide something in should you go to court or something if he knows it's already coming at him. Best offense is a good defense.

Giving away my emotional sense. Yep, I see what you mean. It is hard when your X posts here too. As I really don't want to look at his stuff anymore. Kind of odd, cause before I was obsessed with it. And now, it just doesn't seem to be of that much of an interest. I think, part of it is the same rhetoric rambling on. Also, I have other things that are more important right now. And that is my schooling and also, doing side jobs. I made some money today. The job I had was fun, I did it at home and took the stuff to the requester, and this person was very pleased with the outcome.

So I am making some money, not enough persay to pay the bills, but some money that will help.

I see the Dr. next week for my shoulder. It has been flaring up, yesterday and the night before. So I have to work on the pain and using my heat pack that I put in the microwave. Oh I wish I had a massage therapis that lived here. Would be so nice for them to massage the spasms and pain in my neck. The job I had, did cause discomfort in my shoulder and neck. Therefore, I could only work on it a little at a time. But my goal was to get it done by this morning.

Tomorrow is going to be another good day. The weather is starting to get warmer, you in the warmer climate must be enjoying GODS warmth. Now we are getting some of GODS warmth. And then I have church on Sunday. Oh what a glorious day to share GODS word with those that I love.

There are things that are happening in my life that are very disturbing. But I can't mention them here, so I am dealing with them, and did talk to my counselor Friday.

I also, learned a lot from class last night. And need to work on my policy paper due next Thursday. This weekend is policy paper workout.

I am trying to lose weight too. XH did get me the South Beach diet book. For christmas I received 2 books that I really didn't want. So I asked the other day if he ever returned them, and he said no. Cause he said he would return them and give me the money. But he never returned them. I have another book to get, and I want to get Joyce Meyers new book. So I will ask for that one too. Maybe after easter. My Dr. recommended the South Beach Diet. And so I am going to try it and see if I can start walking too. That is how I lost the weight last time, I couldn't eat, and I walked about 5 miles a day.

Would be nice to get into those size 6 clothes again. I felt good, looked nice, and was so light. And if I get this job, then I will look so much better in the business suits that I bought at a garage sale for $2 each. They are really nice looking and fit beautifully. I picked up 6 suits, and they really are attractive, expensive clothing for $2 each.

Well, Peachy I do read your posts, to see how things are going. Cause I care, and do pray for you and your son. Take care hon.

Venting - I wanted to print stuff off some sites, cause I have a paper to write for Thursday, after working today. The printer doesn't work, and my computer kept crashing down. So I called the X to see if I could come to his moms house, so that I could use his mothers computer, cause she said that I could use it while she was gone, if I needed to print stuff off, or having a hard time with my computer. Well, I called and all I wanted was a yes or no. And he said he was talking to a customer, yeah right, that late around 8pm. He has said this before, but I now know it is not a customer, it is HER HER HER, bimbo HER. He calls me back after he supposedly is talking to a customer. And he goes through this rhetoric stuff, and basically doesn't want me around the house. Of course I have a paper due, and I can't print stuff off here, cause our printer has been broken for a month or more. I listened to him give excuses after another. And it would be nice for him just to say, hey, I am talking to my girlfriend on the phone, can I call you back.

Anyways, I am frustrated, cause I wanted to start my paper tonight. And it is too late to go to the library. So guess I will go to the library tomorrow, and get the stuff I need for my paper due Thursday.

What I hate, is the continuous lies he gives me. Does the wayward spouse continue to think that the betrayed spouse he betrayed was born yesterday? Ohhhh it just grinds my teeth, to think this. I just wish, he would be honest once in his life. Honest for a change. Just like the day we were at the altar. He said here on Marriage Builders he didn't love me at the altar. Why didn't he say to the priest, no I don't love her, but I will marry her anyway. Then I would of walked out the door. And cried my heart out, but at least the honesty of his heart, and his committment would of been told.

I hate his lieing, and I hate him being secretive. I feel like just going to the house, going in his mothers room, and getting on the computer. I talked to his mother tonight, cause my daughter called me from California, where she and my mother-in-law are visiting. And asked her specifically if I could use the computer for I have no printer and my computer is acting up. She said definitely, and so I may do that tomorrow. That way, I can sit on the computer and browse through what I need, and get this paper done.

See the X is still trying to control me, and of course, he wants to hide whatever he is doing at the house. Which if he wants to talk to his girlfriend, that is okay with me. He is free and can do whatever he wants. I won't bother him, I will shut the bedroom door where her computer is, and just get my work done, and he can continue talking to his girlfriend while I am there. Nothing will surprise me now, for I heard plenty when he was talking to his other woman on the phone outside my bedroom window, and heard about the sexual talk between the two of them.

Anyways, a VENT VENT. Just wanting to get my homework done, so I can get a good grade, for MY future and future schooling. Goodnight.

Faith..just go to the library. Forget the ex-MIL's house unless he is not there.

Even if he is not there..dont put yourself in the position to be there when he might come home. Just dont be around him at all!!!!!!!

Go to the library..public or the school. Hey..come to my house (I just got new one for christmas!!!). However..I am in same situation as you..I am constantly using computer for homework. Just finished 1 assignment, will work on my other major one tomorrow, and then its on to math..so you may have to kick me off, but I share nice.

But keep away from him!!!

Sunrise - thank you so much for you sharing enthusiasm. Wish my X was more into sharing instead of being secretive. He wants the house to himself, since his mother is not around for 2 weeks. Guess there are many secrets he has. I will use the computer at the library tomorrow.

Anyways, another situation came up. I got the call about 3 weeks ago from the phone co. that there was over $800 on a past due bill, that was installed at the house where X is living at now, (His mothers house). Of course she was not living in the house at the time, cause she just moved into the unfinished house this summer, after she was being threatened with eviction out of the house that she was in. I talked to X about this bill, cause it was under my name, my SS#, and of course the house that his mother bought. Which I have never lived in. He did talk to the phone Co. and the phone Co. said he was really rude. Anyways, he says they were rude to him. Only God knows the true answer to this one. He said to have them send the paperwork. I called and they did.

I asked to have the bill sent. Which came 2 weeks ago. I showed it to X. He said he would call to resolve this problem. He used my name, and my SS# to get the phone put in to the house and the barn. Without my okay. And now I got paperwork today, to state my claim that I am not responsible for this bill. X was here, for what reason, I really don't know. He talked to my 2 sons. And that was pretty much it. So I thought about the paperwork that came today, which I filled out, stating that X pretty much used my name and SS#. I prayed about this, I went downstairs and thinking that I could TRUST my X to be healthy, and reasonable and told him the paperwork came and said I filled it out. Cause I am not sure what I am doing. He looks at the paperwork, and goes on stating, do you see what you have written. And that I stated that he did this out of fraud. I told him that I am speaking the truth. That I did not sign for the phone, and he went into a rage. He said, what if he filled paperwork out on me. I said, I have nothing to fear, for I have done nothing wrong. But he would not accept that. If I did something out of a lie, then I deserve it, but I have nothing to fear. He lost control again. Went ballistic, and I said, who is the one who called to have the phone installed. I told him I asked my oldest daughter if she did it, and she said no dad did it. I told him, cause I asked her first. And then he tells me yes. He did it. And puts the blame on me for wanting to turn him in for fraud. I told him, that I had left this up to GOD. He didn't understand, and said WHAT? I said, I asked GOD to help me out, and GOD told me to give you a chance, and that I was to put my trust in my X to not yell and be a controller when I wanted him (the X) to look at the paperwork. I took GODs words to me, and yep X went ballistic again. He left calling me a F*cking B*tch. And F*cking [censored], moron. I opened the door after he went slamming out the door, and said, please don't call me names. And he said I was being the stupid moron. Anyways, I did what GOD said, and I wanted to trust my XH, and I got blasted with meanness, and name calling. I went and took a hot bath and cried to God. I called XH after the bath, and said, I tried to trust you, and give you the opportunity to read the paperwork, and we could talk about it nicely. Cause I wanted him to read the paperwork they sent me, and I wanted him to be aware of it. But he went so ballistic, and I said I put my life in GODS hands. He doesn't seem to understand the power of GOD. I really didn't get fired up. I tried talking in a calm voice, saying that I wanted to trust him, and show him the paperwork, cause I was concerned about the paperwork. But no, he didn't even give me the chance to express myself. He just went on how he was going to be put in jail, how he has to fight. And oh yeah, the same words that come out of him over and over when things don't go his way. If I do this, he will never have anything to do with me again. I think I have heard this about 10 times or more. When he goes on his ballistic ride, he uses this statement to put more ammunition at me. Also, I said you don't have to call me names. And he said go ahead call him a name, I said there is no need. I told him that he was a decent man, and Gods child. And I said, I don't call people names. Anyways, I just said, goodnight during his yelling at me on the phone, and hung up.

I am praying for this man, that I used to love with all my heart. I am praying that he finally accepts Jesus into his heart. I am praying that he will become that loving man that I once used to know. And I am praying that he will show my kids a man that loves Jesus.

I think I did do well, it hurt my heart. But I didn't really get out of hand. My voice raised a few times, cause his voice is sooo.... much louder than mine. But I was able to calm down in the bathtub, and cry to GOD, to help this man. I do pray that XH finds peace with GOD. For who he is now, is someone that needs spiritual help. He talks about his adulterous life with justification. And that is probably one of the reasons that I have a hard time totally forgiving this man. He faltered, he knew exactly what he was doing, and she for sure did, since this was her for sure 2nd sexual affair in her marriage (the first with minister of the church). So she knew how to hook the guy and real him into bed. When X speaks, he speaks as what he did was okay in GODS eyes.

I was the timid wife. I was afraid to disobey my H. For he did yell, and demean me if I didn't do things the way he wanted me to. Just like around here with the business phones. X yells at the kids, cause they didn't do something right with answering the business phones. That is a problem with a controller. I don't answer the phones, and that has been beneficial for me to spend more time with my schooling. I was afraid to stand up for myself, and afraid to show some backbone. I am still somewhat afraid of X, just like today, I wanted very much to trust my X, and it failed. Name calling is not necessary and that did hurt, but GOD is helping me deal with a man possessed by sin.

Thanks for listening. Fell back many steps tonight, am leaving it up to GOD, and will have a good time tomorrow with my mother. She and I have errands to do tomorrow. I asked her if she would like to go with me tomorrow to get these errands done, and then she said we will go out to lunch. I said that would be wonderful. I worked hard today, and earned some money, and the project turned out beautiful. GOD is my strength, my power, my father. I love him so, GOD does love me.

Faith..I disagree. You didnt do too well in this situation.

Your ex is so much like mine. We went to 1 1/2 years of counseling. Then I had year of solo counseling. I took courses on abnormal psychology recently. I didnt take these because of ex. I needed psychology courses and I already had regular psychology, so I took some abnormal psych classes.

I have heard the term "psychopath" before, but always in a joking manner.

I NEVER KNEW THAT IT IS AN ACTUAL MEDICAL DIAGNOSIS! I heard marriage counselor say something to that affect..but I still didnt make the connection until I took this course.

When we got to that section, I was sick. I mean actually physically, throwing up sick. I realized how dangerous the man I had loved and lived with for 26 years was. Only God protected me through that and allowed me to leave that marriage with my life. It took awhile, but I am doing much better psychologically myself since I have been separated (and now divorced)

I dont think your ex is a decent man..he is a dangerous man. He may be a child of God....but a wayward child of God. A child of God doesnt make you a decent person.

PROTECT YOURSELF!!!! You can still get a restraining order with the abuse he is dishing out.

And you should not have shown him the paperwork from the phone company. You gave him the chance to address it and fix it when you first confronted him with it. And what did he do??? He lied.

Dont get into any type of conversation with this man. You are never going to win. I know I am in the same situation. He has to answer for what he has done wrong. If that means he has to explain himself in court. That is his problem not yours.

Look up some resources on "psychopath" on the internet. Protect yourself and I am not kidding. You are not his wife anymore. You do not need to talk to him at all. In fact, that is the best way for you to heal as well. You dont need his demeaning cinversations..they are only preventing you from gaining your self confidence back.

Take care
Dawn