HO, How are you this week? Just checking in.

And... bumping this thread. I've now sent emails to 4 people I trust. And if they don't come post to you, I'll hunt them down. HeHeHe. I know where some of them live.

A little green bird told me to check in here. LOL You need more help than this board has to offer. But like so many folks in financial straits....this may be all you have...so I will offer what meager help I can as long as you understand I am not yet certified.

In cases where a spouse really needs to go to Plan B....but for reasons cannot....I find that Michelle Weiner Davis's 180 list is very helpful. It fits in with Plan A...but it won't turn you into a doormat and it is more empowering. The main premise is that whatever you usually do....you will be doing the opposite of....this is a guide...so apply it in that way. If you are usually affectionate...you won't be. If you usually say I love you...you won't say it. If you do most of the housework...stop it. If you don't go out much...you will go out alot.....and so on. Here's the list:


1. Do not pursue, reason, chase, beg, plead or implore.
2. No frequent phone calls.
3. Do not point out good points in marriage.
4. Do not follow him around the house.
5. Do not encourage talk about the future.
6. Do not ask for help from family members.
7. Do not ask for reassurances.
8. Do not buy gifts.
9. Do not schedule dates together.
10. Do not spy on spouse.
11. Do not say "I Love You".
12. Act as if you are moving on with your life.
13. Be cheerful, strong, outgoing and attractive.
14. Don't sit around waiting on your spouse - get busy, do things, go to church, go out with friends, etc.
15. When home with your spouse, (if you usually start the conversation) be scarce or short on words.
16. If you are in the habit of asking your spouse her whereabouts, ASK NOTHING.
17. You need to make your partner think that you have had an awakening and, as far as you are concerned, you are going to move on with your life, with or without your spouse.
18. Do not be nasty, angry or even cold - just pull back and wait to see if spouse notices and, more important, realize what she will be missing.
19. No matter what you are feeling TODAY, only show your spouse happiness and contentment. Show him someone she would want to be around.
20. All questions about marriage should be put on
hold, until your spouse wants to talk about it (which may be a while).
21. Never lose your cool.
22. Don't be overly enthusiiastic.
23. Do not argue about how she feels (it only makes her feelings stronger).
24. Be patient.
25. Listen carefully to what your spouse is really saying to you.
26. Learn to back off, shut up and walk away when you want to speak out.
27. Take care of yourself (exercise, sleep, laugh & focus on all the other parts of your life that are not in turmoil).
28. Be strong and confident and learn to speak softly
29. Know that if you can do 180, your smallest
CONSISTENT actions will be noticed much more than anywords you can say or write.
30. Do not be openly desperate or needy even when you are hurting more than ever and are desperate and needy.
31. Do not focus on yourself when communicating with your spouse.
32. Do not believe any of what you hear and less than 50% of what you see. Your spouse will speak in absolute negatives because she is hurting and scared.
33. Do not give up no matter how dark it is or how bad you feel.
34. Do not backslide from your hardearned changes.


Now....while you are doing these things....K is right that you need to get in touch with a good father's advocacy group and get good documentation. Save everything at a location outside of your house so she cannot destroy...and yes...sometimes you need it for court. Document any abusive behavior on her part. Also....start arranging your finances in preparation to go to a real Plan B. If Plan A would change your wife's behavior it would have done so already....it hasn't....so you will certainly need a higher risk strategy and a Plan B that has very strict conditions for reconcilliation. Much legal information is available online...so keep your legal fees down by doing some of the legwork you need to prepare yourself legally.

I would like you to use your insurance to get some Individual Counseling for yourself to help keep your head above water. Find out if anti-depressants are a good idea for you right to take the edge off of the pain and stress. Get your heart checked out.

If you have not followed through with the "forgotten" parts of Plan A....please do so now. Confrontation and Exposure. Who knows about the affair? Her parents? Her brothers and sisters? Friends? the OM's parents? etc. "Put it on the evening news" as Harley says.

Good Luck...so sorry

Star, do you have any idea how HO could do the exposure thing without harming the 6 year old twins? They are biologically the OM's, but been raised as his own.

I'm a little concerned. Where are you Humble One? Would you drop a line to let us know you're alive?