I'm mainly asking this of the people on this forum that experienced infidelity in their previous marriage, whether you be a BS or WS.

I have mixed feelings about marriage now. I think it's a very romantic notion and still respect it of course. But I'm not so sure about it's longivity.

Seems it's a given that most have at least 2, if not 3, marriages before they either weardown - get older/mature and finally settle into it. Or, if you remain married the one time, you have a 99.9% chance of adultery reeking havok and destroying what once was. Spending the remainder of your marriage recovering from the destruction it caused. That is, if it's even recoverable.

Why bother?

Jo

<small>[ March 13, 2004, 10:14 PM: Message edited by: Resilient ]</small>

Jo,
For me I'm happy being married. I don't though take my new marriage for granted. I try not to get into the same old patterns I had with my first marriage.

I respect marriage, but will never marry again. Does not mean that I would not want to be in a committed relationship with a significant other one day though.

If the father of our children could wreak so much damage in the process of divorce and beyond (which is separate and apart from any affair ), why would I, and by that extension anyone else who has travelled a similar route, ever want to be legalled entangelled with anyone by choice?

Unless one is young and planning on having children why is a legally binding commitment i.e. marriage any more trustworthy than a personal commitment ssignificant others give to each other.

Until the law in fact puts into place consequences for finding fault in a legal action such as a marriage, why would anyone jeopardize themselves in this one again.

The short answer. NO, I believe marriage is not worth the legal situation and ramifications one puts oneself into by this action

I am a BS. WS married the OM.

I fail to see the point in state endorsed marriage. It's just a piece of paper with little meaning. Just pay your tax and get a piece of paper. Oh, that's right, getting married makes you pay even more income tax. Now gays want to get married. I think that's just fine, but I think they're just trying to fix a symptom and not addressing the problem. Making a marriage "offical" does nothing to make it better. Why should you really care what the government thinks?

I fail to see the point in religious marriage because it is quite apparent that religious people are no better at marriage than non-religious people. My WS XW continuously thumped her bible to me while cheating on me. She now teaches Sunday school.

How about a nice civil contract that defines who gets what should there be a divorce? Wouldn't that hold more meaning? That way a person wouldn't blindly get married without knowing the consequences of divorce.

People are crazy. Can I get off this rock?

Are there any decent people out there?

After being on this board almost 5 years, I have come to the conclusion that most of the world is nuts. No one can be trusted. People on this board who had seemed sensible, and had given good, logical advice to others still have done really stupid, and often cruel and hurtful things, in the process of seeking not to be alone - marrying people they barely knew, BS's becoming WS's or OP's, deserting their children to be with new significant others. It is not only marriage that isn't all it is cracked up to be - it has become obvious that "love" (in the romantic sense) is a horribly destructive force.

I have always believed that even before I ever gotten married..It does NOT happen when it comes to love and marriage.. Now I am in a relationship where we talk about getting married but I am not sure if this will be the right thing to do..After my first of 22 years what in the world will make me believe this time around won't be "round two" of living in lies of hopes and dreams..

My new H and I really talked the whole marroage thing out. We were happy living together and it worked well.

We got married for one because we love eachother and decided that we wanted that committment. We also married because of the legal issues. If one of us were to die the other has no rights if not married. You would get no social security ect.

Thirdly we married because we have children who are teenagers and young adults and felt they really needed that security of marriage. I have three kids he has one and now they have a family unit again to come home to. My H son is still very close to his Mom and thats great. My children except for the middle one live here and pretty much have no contact with their Father so my H has tryed to fill that gap for now.

Resilient - I too have wondered about why be married! My XWH didn't committ to marriage, and decided to have an adulterous life with a woman that already had sexual affairs in her life. She reeled him in and he got hooked. To this day, he justifies his actions, and justifies her. But yet, he calls me a FB and swears at me.

I don't feel there are trustworthy people out there. Can you date and really look at that person totally, without putting your guard up? I don't know. Haven't been there, cause I really don't want to be there yet. I will say that I don't trust men as a whole. My XH showed me a very ugly side, with his ballistic actions, and name calling, which still he shows once in awhile. I do believe, that men do use their xwives for bait. Mine does, and I am setting boundaries, and telling him NO NO NO!!!!

My XH screwed up his and my life. He screwed up the childrens life, and he goes around stating he knows everything about people, since he is adamant about personality types. He also screwed up the other womans life. But does he take accountabililty for his actions, no, just justifies them.

Marriage with me was from my heart, my body, and with GOD. His vows were made under false pretense. He should of said in his vows till I find the grass greener on the other side or some statement of that factor.

As for myself, I don't know if I will ever marry again. Men are not trustworthy, as I see them now. My X has shown me what men are like. And I don't want any part of their schemes.

I do know for sure, that I want a church going good christian man. If that is possible to find. I don't want someone like my XH stating here on MB that he is a christian, and doesn't go to church, cause he feels he doesn't have to, and doesn't read the bible, and doesn't conduct himself in a caring thoughtful manner.

Marriage, is suppose to be of two people loving each other till death do they part. HOG WASH according to my WH.

My XWW was my second marriage, we were married in a church filled with all the glory. She was once committed to our marriage, we talked alot of how difficult this was going to be, the difficult times we both will be going through and how we both will make it through those tough times. Eventually one of us break down and just don't care anymore. To me marriage takes alot of effort and hard work, I would rather work a 60 hour week which seems like nothing compare to working on any marriage.

As for my XWW, OM left the state without her, if he had loved her as he told her he did, hey he would have made the choice and stayed with XW. Now she she struggling to pay child support, struggling to come to terms with the destruction she caused her family.

What's the stats on marrying a 3rd time? 55 percent? Why bother!!!

OMG, that's soooo me!! A very close friend and I have talked about the idea of dating and remarriage ~ while I DO see the point of dating, and undoubtably will do that at some point, marriage is a whole other ball of wax. I have my children, and I can't see marrying again unless I was certain that the man I married loved my children as much as I do... and who loves your kids as much as you do??

Plus, it truly does seem that most relationships have about a decade life span on them. Why would I put myself in the same situation twice?? My first husband didn't even make it to a YEAR... heck, he didn't even make it a MONTH before he strayed. Why risk it?

Same said close friend and I were discussing everything. He'd like to date me at some point; I'm not sure. For many reasons, but not the least of which is honestly, I know I'd make him pay for what my stbx husband and FOM put me through. It's totally unjustified, but it'd happen all the same. If you KNOW that you'd act like that, I can't see how you could willingly subject someone else to your paranoia, you know?

Anyway, that's where I am today. Who knows where I'll be next week, next month, next year...

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Nellie1:
It is not only marriage that isn't all it is cracked up to be - it has become obvious that "love" (in the romantic sense) is a horribly destructive force.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Hi Nellie,

I really don't want to think like that. I was what I thought very in-love and loved my then-H. That love felt so good -- when times were good. There is nothing on this earth that feels better than being in-love and loving someone that way. But it is a double edged sword.

Maybe it's just so hard for us to trust ourselves again because we feel our instincts let us down and didn't warn us of the impending doom of betrayal and abandonment.

But to marry someone, IMO, is to relinquish full license for them to build my expectations into something that can become virtually vapor at their whim.

Again, why bother?

Jo

I'm 4 years into my Second Marriage.
This one is better than my first.
The main thing I've learned is:
Love, true love is ACTION and a CHOICE.
Action that you will do things for your Mate.
Choice in that you choose to love your Mate for better or worse and that your Mate does exactly the same for you. Communication. Sacrifice. When it becomes only one person working on these things... the Marriage is doomed.
Just My Experience(s).
TDL <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Well I have to say that even though I am not divorced yet, and I am not the WS, I feel that marriage vows are something that you make to God as well as your spouse. I took mine very seriously, and have tried to honor them. It ticks me off that society has gotten so bad that you can make the vows and no one expects you to keep them. I feel that there should be some type of legal consequences for when you do get divorced, especially in cases of adultry. No fault divorces have ruined the family unit in this country, among other things. By consequences I mean that if the BS files for divorce, they should have the upper hand. NOt normally the case. Adultery isnt even considered in court from what I understand and it should be. I guess if it doesnt get considered in the courts of man it will be in the court of God. As far as marriage later, I would still do it provided the right person came along, but I guarantee you there would only be one screw up. The only thing that is slowing me down on the divorce right now, is who is going to get custody of my kids. If I was sure I could, I would probably run to the lawyer tomorrow.

Jo, I'm with you. During the active part of my marriage, I felt as if had I understood the risks involved I would never have ventured to get married. Now that I'm separated and have filed for divorce, I feel that even more so. Romantic love is a pleasant emotion that tricks us into jeopardizing our very being in order to replenish the human race.

At this point, I'm not even sure I really want a long-term relationship. Maybe the instituation of marriage isn't as flawed as I think it is, maybe I'm just not cut out for the sacrifices that marriage necessitates. I made them and was miserable. I tried to make it work, but gave up myself. I surrendered up my emotional, physical and financial well-being to another.

Of course, I did get two beautiful children out of it. And I won't be one of those horrors who is so hurt and bitter that they are miserable when one of their offspring tries marriage.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">There is nothing on this earth that feels better than being in-love and loving someone that way.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Unfortunately, people will destroy their lives and the lives of others in order to achieve that feeling.

And not just in cases of infidelity, though those are the most destructive, of course.

But look at the people who fall in love with bad men and women. Women who marry into the mob. People who go from one infatuation to another. People who go from one controlling partner to another.

Of course, sometimes it is because we are trying to work out a previous relationship like the one with Mommy or Daddy. That is what I was doing even though I didn't know it.

I'm not divorced yet, still waiting on that.
While I was the one who strayed 21 years into a 25 year marriage, I still believe very much in it. But I will do it right the next time. Since finding the MB site, my entire way of thinking about a relationship has changed. After reading HNHN and LB, I have a new understanding of how I was and how to act in a relationship.
Any woman I would find in the future will have to read them also, and understand that they can help to make a solid foundation for a marriage.
I have and am still changing myself to be a better man, thanks to MB and other sites I have been visiting. While it is too late for the marriage I am in now, hopefully the future will be better.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Of course, sometimes it is because we are trying to work out a previous relationship like the one with Mommy or Daddy. That is what I was doing even though I didn't know it. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">i have been thinking about posting that question or discussing that concept as i am learning more an d more about how I was attracted to my X, she had many traits similar to my mom, and i didn't quite understand my mom as well as i do now. . . and i started by acting like my dad, but i am very opposite of my dad, and of course there is much more. . .

wiftty

As one who is going through the divorce now...I have only thought about marrying again when I find "perfection" as my mate. Therefore, I suspect now I will never marry again! LOL

I have to throughly agree with the previous poster about MB books and principles. Before I'd ever marry again, there'd be a lot of reading together and discussion. My 3 questions would come out and would be discussed. And extensively. Yeah, I'm a totally different person now than I was 5 years ago. Much of that is all the learning through the MB books...but most importantly, from self relfection.

If the next woman can't laugh at herself, can realize when she's being a real boob, and can't just say "Why am I being so an idiot for" when she is, then I'm not very interested. I've learned to do all those things with myself, and I'm really tired of listening to pure defensiveness when you ask someone a question.

Yeah, I believe in the idea of marriage. I think the legal aspects are silly...what's the point? I also think that people should be required to pass some tests regarding marriage...LOL...tests that we would have FAILED miserably years ago. Tests that question peoples ability to think, to discuss, to work together. Test that direct ask about compatibility.

I guess for me it all boils down to the questions...all the questions that have been developed here. I know there are woman that would engage me, my mind first, my body second. I know that being dedicated, committed, and forever sharing life with such a woman would indeed be a wonderful thing.

Trusting her, trusting her to remain as she is, open minded, interesting, curious, that's a HUGE step. All the pain I have felt, all the betrayal, all the disappointment. SO much of it IS very much my own fault for not being more mature when I picked my mate at age 12.

Yeah, marriage is a good thing...but only when you are married to the right person. LOL Once you've been dragged through the gutter and feel so disappointed once, sure, it's hard to ever see why to do it again.

BP, how do you know marriage is a good thing when one is married to the right person? I thought I had married the right person, and maybe I did.

You don't believe in god but you do believe in marriage. I believe in god but probably not marriage, except for children.

Children need marriage. It's the only reason to get married, according to me. OTOH, I'm jaded, cynical and perhaps a bit bitter, do ya think?