I'm new here, but I've read a lot of the posts. Here is my story in a nutshell. I am a wife of 6 years and a mother of two girls --4 1/2 and 18 months old. I stayed at home with both girls for the first months to a year of each of their lives. I have betrayed my husband 2 times--both times followed the same pattern: gave birth, stayed at home, felt no appreciation or value from hubby, built resentment, got a job, felt confident and better about self, then met someone who made me feel good about myself (made me feel attractive and worth something), then ended up getting intimate with that person. The first time I cheated on my husband, I did not sleep with the OM. I just needed to be held. But then I kissed him a couple of times. That was the extent of that. I continued to email him for a month until my husband found out. My husband called the OM's wife and that's when I had NC with the OM. The next time I cheated on my husband, it was more serious. All the same pattern that led me to be intimate with this person, but this time I actually fell in love. I was in a terrible fog. I continued emailing and calling this OM, and vice versa. He was married and fell in love with me too. Anyhow, I slept with this man while at training far away for my new job. He does not work at my location, but we work for the same company. Anyhow, our affair/relationship lasted four months, then my husband found out by confronting me with it--he just sensed that I was distant and that I was just not happy. I didn't hide it either. I was so depressed. Anyhow, once again the affair was ended for me--not by my decision. It's a good thing, too because I don't think I would have been strong enough on my own to end it--especially because I was in such a fog.

I moved out temporarily at the request of my husband and stayed with my relatives. It was devastating and a rude awakening for me. I realized the hurt and the pain I have cause to my husband, my family, and his family. My husband is so angry and hurt--as is expected. After seeing all the pain I have caused, I really felt compelled to figure out why the heck I couldn't keep my vows and 2 times fell into the arms of another man. So I sought counseling for myself, and am still going. Apparently, I got married before I had a chance to find my identitiy which is why I have insecurity and esteem issues and I also didn't get a chance to fulfill certain voids in my life. It also didn't help that my husband wasn't fulfilling my emotional needs. This led me to jump into anything that filled these voids--which could have been avoided with thorough marriage counseling. Too late now.

So I have been out of the house for 2 months now, but I have been having the kids with me 30% of the time--my husband has decided he felt the girls would not benefit from being with me even 50/50 because of my mistakes. I disagree with him, because I have been a great mother to my girls and I know for a fact they need me. But I am also trying to reconcile whatever I have left of this marriage and I have stayed out of the house to keep the peace and to respect his wishes. Just this week, he tells me that he wants a divorce and that he doesn't want to pay child support and he wants to fight for full custody. At this point, my question is this:

Given my situation, am I damaging my chances for full custody and child support by being gone from the house for 2+ months?
Will it not work in my favor if I am staying with family and I actually have a room of my own and enough space for the girls as well?
Also, he makes double what I make and he has been working longer than I have--does his case look stronger?
Lastly, would it be more beneficial is I filed for divorce FIRST?

By the way, we live in CA and have lived here for 2 years now. We were also married in CA.

Please help! He tells me he's going to file this week.

Thanks.

R;

I have been on this board close to two years now.
I see your counseling as a good move.But, i wonder now,and you should too, what is it that you want? Set a goal...with timelines...and start working on that goal

Do you want a marriage...or do you want a divorce ? if you want your marriageback..best to get as much advice here as possible..but know one thing...it is now out of your hands..your husband resrves much of the rights to determine what kind of relationship he will have with you. And, the answer should be obvious to you.

Your H may come around..slowly..if he sees that you want the marriage back...but my recommendation is to try to read the advice that Harley gives , first.

The resentment...the destruction of trust that has been created here will unfortunately haunt you for a very long time. It is entirely up to you how to handle that now.

As for the legal issues...you would benefit by consulting a lawyer..to determine your maternity rights. If California offers mediation for Marriage Dissolution..look very closely at that alternative. It is often the most beneficia alternative to everyone.

if...you really want this marriage...and the decision is really not yours now...you can stall him...talking about filing is one thing...doing it is another. Is your H involved in your counseling?

In the meantime..I would do one hell of a Plan A for your H...and make sure you have your legal bases covered if the outcome turns out to be the one you do ot want.

READ HARLEYS PRINCIPLES>

Best to You!!

If you think the marriage can be salvaged, start reading the concepts and learn about Plan A.
Divorce is hard and expensive, so try to work it out if you can. The tools are on the site to create a better marriage than you ever imagined.

If you are heading to divorce for sure, get a lawyer to get Pendente Lite (pending litigation) custody of the children. At least 50/50 if it can work based on your location.

Good Luck.

There is an MB seminar in San Fran at the end of April. Could you convince H to go with you?

Gregg,

Thanks so much for your reply. First, I wonder--is it really that obvious that I am indecisive about whether I wan the marriage or not? It must be. I have to admit I am wavering between the two because of the uncertainties involved. There are no guarantees of happiness either way, but what I have to go on would be my foresight of a happy marriage with the help of MC and Dr. Harley's steps. Either way what I really want is to wake up everyday thinking that the decision I made is the best decision yet and that I am truly happy with it.

I forgot to mention this, but my husband has requested that I send him an email every day about what I did the whole day--I can understand this (and it's all part of Radical Honesty), so I am currently doing that. My goal is to continue to do it until I get served with the D papers. In my emails, along with accounting for my time, I tell him how sorry I am that I hurt him, our family, and our friends. I also tell him that I believe we can work this out together and I have suggested he take a look at this site. Lastly, I let him know that I don't want a divorce and I am willing to do whatever it takes to salvage this marriage. So I don't know for sure if I was successful in stalling him from filing. Guess I'll find out soon. All I know is that I don't EVER want to put anyone through this pain again--including myself. I am currently taking this time to really figure out myself and prepare myself for what is to come.

Newly,

Thank you for your response. I do think this marriage can be salvaged--if both of us are willing. Right now that isn't possible because of how angry and hurt my H is. But Dr. Harley's material makes a lot of sense, which is why I feel there is hope in this marriage if we both want it. At this moment, my husband is not receptive to any type of invesment into our marriage, so SanFran is out of the question. Thanks for the invite, though! I feel like I'm trying every way to get back into his heart and nothing works. I am respecting all his wishes, but he tells me he still doesn't see that I am truly sorry for what I've done and my actions don't show it. I get so frustrated, but I try my best to just suck it in--because I know I deserve it. Then I just ask him to help me out a bit--tell me what it is he needs. He says he needs the daily email. Done. He says he wants me out of the house. Done. He wants the kids 5 days--I get 2. Done. He even calls me and in a loving voice he says he needs me--I go over to the house, and it turns out he wants to "make love" to me. Done. Of course, after that, he gets cold and upset again (understandable), but I gave him what he needed.

So I'm still just waiting...

Your thoughts are appreciated.

Gregg,

By the way, what do you mean by Plan A on my H? I just read what it is and Plan A is when the BS negotiates with the WS to lose all contact with the OP. I have already done that, and actually, if you are talking true Plan A, my H was by no means kind about it. There were definitely LB's included--which adds to my indecisiveness about getting back with him. But I just keep looking at what could be made of our marriage and it motivates me to work on it. At this point I am definitely doing the legwork--and I understand that is what I have to do. I just wish there were a set formula to all of this.

REMORSEFUL:

IT'S JUST THE TONE OF YOUR LETTER...YOU ARE VERY FRUSTRATED...H IS WITHDRAWN....YOU HAVE DONE ALL OF THE RIGHT THINGS ACCOUNTING FOR TIME...TRYING TO FULFILL HIS EN'S..GETTING COUNSELING ETC..IN OTHER WORDS...TRYING TO "GET IT BACK"...HOWEVER, YOU ALSO SEE THAT YOUR HUSBAND HAS NOT FULFILLED HIS DUTIES...EITHER BEFORE OR AFTER...YOU FEEL LIKE THE ONLY ONE TRYING NOW..AND YOU HAVE BECOME WITHDRAWN FROM HIM..AND NOW YOU ARE QUESTIONING IF IT'S WORTH IT....YOU DID IT THE RIGHT WAY...THEN THE WRONG WAY...NOW YOU ARE TRYING TO MAKE IT ALL UP..AND THATS OK....BUT IF YOU STILL HAVE THE HEART TO WANT IT..KEEP TRYING..IT IS NOT OVER..BUT YOU WILL REACH A POINT WHERE YOU JUST CAN DO NO MORE...THIS IS THE SAME EFFECT THAT HAPPENS TO BS'S..AT SOME POINT YOU NEED TO CUT YOUR LOSSES...YOU HAVE GIVEN NO TIME REFERENCES...AND THERE ARE PROBABLY OTHER FACTORS AT PLAY HERE..LIKE HIS FAMILY (IF THEY KNOW) TELLING HIM TO MOVE ON..YOU WILL NEVER CHANGE) AND OTHER SOCIAL PRESSURES.

IT SOUNDS TO ME LIKE YOUR H COULD USE SOME COUNSELING TOO...HE CANNOT EXPECT TO TAKE YOU FOR GRANTED AND HAVE A RELATIONSHIP THAT WILL BE FULFILLING...THE PROCESS OF MENDING A MARRIAGE TAKES A LONG TIME...BUT HE HAS TO "ENGAGE" YOU TOO....IF EVER SO SLOWLY...

AS FOR THE SECOND QUESTION...AND YOU ARE RIGHT..PLAN A IS FOR BS 'S...AND SO, I HAVE A FLIMSY REASON..AND THEN A REAL ONE...FIRST THE FLIMSY..."THE LACK OF COFFEE AND IT WAS PRETTY EARLY FOR ME TO BE THINKING CLEARLY DEFENSE "

NOW FOR THE REAL REASON, ALTHOUGH I ADMIT THAT THE TERMINOLOGY WAS CONFUSING...THE EFFECT IS THE SAME...YOU ARE ESSENTIALLY IN A WS PLAN A...YOU WERE HUMAN..MADE SOME MISTAKES...AND NOW YOU ARE TRYING TO PROVE THAT YOU HAVE MADE SOME CHANGES FOR THE GOOD..IT IS IN EFFECT A PLAN A...YOU HAVE TRIED YOUR HEART OUT TO SHOW HIM...THAT THIS IS A NEW, IMPROVED YOU...BUT REALIZE THIS..DON'T MAKE THE CHAMGES FOR YOUR MARRIAGE...DO IT FOR REMORSEFUL...DO IT BECAUSE YOU KNOW IT'S DOING THE RIGHT THING...FOR YOU..FOR YOUR GIRLS...SO THAT YOU WILL BE ABLE TO LIVE WITH LIFE..NO MATTER WHAT THE OUTCOME OF YOUR MARRIAGE..AND BELIEVE ME...YOU WILL FEEL LIBERATED EITHER WAY..FREER..IT WILL TAKE TIME...BUT YOU WILL GET THERE...KEEP GOING...DON'T QUIT...AND TRY TO SMILE...I KNOW YOU WILL BE FINE.

O..ONE OTHER THING..YOUR HUSBAND SOUNDS A LITTLE CONTROLLING...HE IS HANGING THESE "MISTAKES" OVER YOUR HEAD,,I.E THE AMOUNT OF VISITATION. TELLING YOU ...YOU CAN ONLY SEE THEM 30 % OF THE TIME IS OUT OF BOUNDS IN MY BOOK...THAT IS A BOUNDRY YOU MUST CORRECT...AND TELL HIM...NO DEMAND..THAT YOU WANT TO SEE THE GIRLS MORE..YOU HAVE A RIGHT TO THAT...MISTAKES OR NO MISTAKES...MARRIED..OR UNMARRIED..YOU MAY HAVE TO RISK GETTING A LITTLE MORE THAN ENGAGING WITH HIM..IF YOU KNOW WHAT i MEAN....HE IS GOING OVERBOARD WITH THAT ONE...REMEMBER...JUST BECAUSE YOU MADE MISTAKES...DOES NOT MEAN YOU ARE TO BE PUSHED AROUND....DON'T LET HIM. IF YOU WANT SOMETHING...TELL HIM...AND CONVINCE HIM HE NEEDS TO PARTICIPATE...THE SOONER HE REALIZES HE IS ATTACHED TO YOU (BECAUSE OF THE GIRLS) IN ONE VERSION OR ANOTHER FOR THE REST OF HIS LIFE...THE BETTER.

Remorseful,

I don't normally post on this forum (even though I am in the process of Divorce - but am standing for my M). A few things just caught my attention on your post. The first two are your age (same as mine) and the state you live in (same as mine).

The fact that your H has asked you to email him daily with your whereabouts just tells me that he still loves you and is perhaps just confused in what he really wants. I know he is very hurt and angry but deep down he cares. I'm the BS so I understand exactly how he feels. But in my situation, he is still with the OW and wants a divorce. I think this will just take time. Keep sending him the daily emails and do your best to show him that you really do want to work on your marriage(if that truly is what you want). I don't know much about the legal stuff here in California since I did not respond to the divorce papers I was served. I am trusting God with my marriage and know that it's in his hands and there is nothing I can do about it but keep praying.

Talking about filing is just that, talk. My H said he wanted a divorce 2 weeks after he left me and it didn't take another 8 months for him to actually file them. Even though he has filed, that has not stopped me from loving him and standing for my M. If your H does file, I think you should keep sending him the daily email (IMO). Well, sorry I don't have much advice but do know that I will be praying for you. I am usually found on the Prayer Request forum here, so come visit us. God Bless!

H98

Thanks for your responses once again. I have thought about whether I want this marriage or not and I wanted it because I was somewhat hopeful as to what it COULD be, based on reading the concepts here--which is why I've made the goal to continue to fulfill my H's demands, even if it meant sacrificing time with my girls. Because I figure that if our marriage could be truly happy, we would have the girls together in the long run--so it would be to their benefit as well as ours. You are correct in stating that my H is rather controlling--not in a forceful way, but if he doesn't get his way, he pouts and gives me the cold shoulder. I have grown up always trying to please other people, so my husband always wins when there is something he wants.

But just recently things have changed. I was continuing the daily emails, when my H brought up the divorce again. He really wanted it to go his way (as usual) which would mean we both used the same attorney and he would draw up the legal documents stating our current arrangement. Now, our current arrangement is nowhere NEAR what I would agree to if we filed for divorce. Here is our current arrangement: I get the girls 2 days a week, I don't live in our house, I pay 50/50 on girls daycare and expenses. Plus, if we draw up the papers, I am not to claim any of what is rightfully mine (1/2 of retirement and 1/2 of value of items acquired during marriage) AND I would not ask for any child support. My H wants it this way, and initially before he had even brought up divorce, I had told him that none of that was my concern, but my main concern was the best interest of the kids. My fault for telling him that, because now he thinks that I was just telling him what he wanted to hear because I had assumed it would not go to divorce and that we were going to reconcile. There is some truth to that, I admit (the part about assuming that it would not go to divorce). But what I told him recently was that if he really wants to get a divorce, then I would have to reassess everything and now it's a matter of watching out for me and the girls. He didn't take that too well. He got upset and said I was lying again and that my "story" keeps changing. I told him that if this were to be brought up in any court, there would possibly be some form of child support that he would have to pay just based on our incomes alone ( he makes more than I do). He is stuck on this negative idea that he would be paying ME and that the money would not go to supporting the kids (basically that I'm going to "milk" every penny from him and go on shopping sprees and live in luxury). I can't help the way he feels at this point. So then, he tells me "I'm not going to pay you a dime. If you are wanting to go through with the divorce your way, then I am just going to fight for the kids." Somehow, after that statement, I started to feel like his concern was more about NOT paying child support than what is best for the girls. He would rather fight for full custody and not have to pay child support than letting the girls have their rightful time with me. It upsets me. Actually, I think about it now--he has always been concerned with money to the point that my emotional needs are not met and in fact, I was not being valued by him until I was bringing home a paycheck. (SIGH) I am so frustrated. Anyhow, I told him that if he is fighting for the kids, then I have no choice but to do the same.

Now, after this whole conversation, he said "If it's going to be this way, then we can stop talking to each other right now and you don't have to bother emailing me anymore or even try to get back with me because it's over." I just told him "okay."

I don't know guys. I am frustrated. I would like to think that he still loved me, but his demands are irrational--especially when it involves the girls. I didn't mind meeting his other demands, but when he suggests divorce in a way that jeopardizes the best interest of the girls, I question his motives. He said that if we draw up the divorce the way he is suggesting, it will be an amicable divorce. If not, then it won't. So it's like I have to choose between having somewhat of a friendship with him while risking time and support for the girls and losing a friendship with him but exercising my full rights as a wife and mother. Any thoughts?

Remorseful,

Is there ANY chance you two could find a counselor that could encourage you two to grow up. Your H needs to grow up big time but so do you.

You stated </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">You are correct in stating that my H is rather controlling--not in a forceful way, but if he doesn't get his way, he pouts and gives me the cold shoulder. I have grown up always trying to please other people, so my husband always wins when there is something he wants. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Let's see when things weren't going your way you went off and had an affair, twice. Doesn't sound like a people pleaser to me. Sounds like someone that will do what she wants when she wants it without a lot of regard to the spouse.

In short your H did NOT win in these situations, although it seems he is trying to WIN now. Bad idea on his part, very bad ideas on your part.

Please both you get some counseling and see if you can grow up. Life is NOT Burger King and surely divorce is not. Neither will get it YOUR way and he needs to figure this out fast and so might you.

I strongly urge you to see if you can reconcile your marriage, but it will take both of you stepping back and assessing your weaknesses, your failures, AND your strengths.

I hope something I have said makes sense.

God Bless,

JL

There are things about his that worry me. Your H's insistence that you account for your day's activities in writing each day is frightening. He does not have the right to monitor your actions or to control them. If you are allowing him to do this now how will you prevent this sort of domineering behavior if you get back together? Also, if you divorce the child support decision should be made on the basis of a formula that primarily considers the children's needs based on how much time they spend in each household and the relative incomes of the parents. These are separate from theissues of fidelity or alimony. The divorce drawn up the way he suggests is alredy not amicable. Don't give up the support your children may need, and don't give up custody of the girls to appease him. Let the courts make an objective decision about how this should be arranged if you cannot work things out directly with him.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> H's insistence that you account for your day's activities in writing each day is frightening. He does not have the right to monitor your actions or to control them. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">From what I've read, MB actually proposes this type of contact to allow the BS to rebuild trust in the WS. Most people wouldn't have thought to ask for this.

If he pursues the D on his terms, he's in for a rude awakening. Financially, he'll be so strapped that he'll be very angry.

I mentioned the SF seminar because it's much cheaper than D. And if you can Plan A and regain steps to a good marriage, an MB seminar could make a world of difference.

Know what you want, and take the steps to make it happen. Regardless of the outcome, you'll want to know thatyou did all you could to make the M work - for your benefit and the benefit of your children.
Good Luck.
Keep reading.

Remorseful,

I hope, no I'm praying, that you ignor that message that Chill just put on the board. When one is in your position, assuming that you want to remain married, one does not worry primarily about one's rights so much as one needs to consider compensating the betrayed spouse for the pain involved. Dr. Harley has an article on this too.

Basically, the idea is to woo the spouse back, doing a lot of loving things to fill emotional needs. Dr. Harley acknowledges that trust is out the window, but there is a way for some marriages to survive without the kind of trust that once existed. And you do need to decide if you can live without trust.

I feel for you, I was both the betrayed spouse and later the betrayer. But I also failed at saving my marriage. I put up with her and her sock puppet on and off for four years. Then came the day when her best girlfriend found out her husband was cheating on her. We started comparing notes, and one day we met for coffee and went for a walk in the park across the street. We gave a whole new meaning to splendour in the grass. Long story short: Before the dust settle, five marriages ended in divorce. It would have been six, but one guy died in the process.

So, I'm hoping you'll stay and talk to us, but I'm hoping that you will give your primary attention to Dr. Harley's articles rather than to first time posters who ignor MB principles. The idea is to save the marriage, not critisize the betrayed spouse. Good Luck!

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I moved out temporarily at the request of my husband and stayed with my relatives.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Without kids??? WHY?
Were you visiting them? How often?

Do you really want to have custody? Even if that meant no support from him?
If so - you must act quickly!

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Given my situation, am I damaging my chances for full custody and child support by being gone from the house for 2+ months? </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Consult a lawyer! As soon as you can get one!

It's nice you want to reconcile and you should try, but, BEFORE THAT, you have to be with your kids!!! They need you! And your H MUST AGREE what's the best for the kids - being with their mom TOO!


... Sorry, but I cannot understand how could you leave so little children..... sorry, I cannot... nothin is more important in life!

I appreciate all of your points of view. My responses are below:

Just Learning: I agree with you that my H and I need to grow up. I have made an effort in trying to convince my H that we can work this out and that if we do the MB workshop, we can really have a marriage that will be truly happy. I would have to disagree with the way you have made me out to be. I admit that I made a very wrong decision to fulfill my EN's outside of my marriage, but it was a frustration that developed over time--not something that happened overnight. This doesn't condone what I did, but I just want to clarify that I am not the type that pouts one night, then decides the next night to sleep with someone. At this point, my H does not want to do anything but get a divorce.


Chill: Thanks for your input. I have thought about what you have mentioned. I was accounting for my time, because that is what was suggested by Dr. Harley's steps. On any normal situation, I would definitely not be reporting my time to my H. Anyhow, if it goes to a non-amicable divorce, I have thought about my rights as a mother and a wife. It's just a matter of time.

To the rest:

As it stands, I am so confused and scared as to what I want to do. If I want to work things out with my H, I would have to get a divorce from him on his terms (70/30 custody, no child support, no division of investments)--he claims this would show him that I was not trying to reconcile for financial convenience and that the slate would be clean with regard to my affairs. If I don't want my marriage, then I would divorce and claim full custody, 50/50 on all financial items, and receive child support for the girls. I am trying to look at the positive in this situation, and the way it looks--there is no win. I am concerned for the girls' future--both emotional and financial. But at the same time, I feel there is hope for our marriage.

With regard to the girls, I didn't leave them. I still have regular contact with them. I was just respecting my H's wishes, hoping that we would reconcile in the near future. Because, if we reconciled, the girls would be with both of us. But I do see that this situation has impacted them and now I am faced with a decision that will impact their lives even more. Of course, I just talked to my H today and he still hasn't filed because he is hoping I would agree to his terms before we brought this to court. So it looks like we are at a stalemate.

Your H sounds very controlling. I live with one so I recognize when I see it. I bet he made you feel very insignificant. IT is very common for someone who is being controlled to eventually break free and have an affair just to get some validation from somewhere. Doesnt make it right but it is common. If this part of him does not change you are setting yourself up to just being in the same situation again. They dont change easy from this either. I am in a bad situation myself right now trying to decide what to do.

Be very careful of this man. He is really getting in your head about how this is going to go. You need to consult a lawyer even if you dont get divorced just to protect yourself. IF you want to try to work it out you get teh divorce on his terms? Come on. To work it out there is no divorce at all.

I am going to give you my gut reaction and you can take it or leave it. Your H is very mad at you. He is out for blood. He is not thinking of reconciliation. He is thinking about how he can convince you of that though so that he can get try to get you to sign away things you would normally be entitled to in the divorce. Lots of people do this when they are mad. My BIL just did the same to my SIL but luckily she finally went and talked to a lawyer. He had her convinced he was giving her such a great deal. Not! He was really trying to screw her over. She was just so devastated she was trying to make things go smooth.

Good luck. Read up on controlling men cause even if you get him back your still gonna have that to deal with. They dont change easy

It is good that you want to work on your marriage but you had two affairs on your husband. Just think, you would be angry too if it was the other way around.

Remorseful,

I feel for you, I do. <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" /> I am in a very similar situation, my WH had an affair and wants a divorce. He has proceeded steadfastly towards divorce and yes, when he informed me of this decision he used alot of the same tactics, "use my lawyer or drag it out in court", etc.

Here's my advice to you: If you want your marriage, then do whatever you can to save it. However, if your H files for divorce, there is nothing you can do about that except to respond. Don't initiate anything, but simply just respond to any legal action. Responding is different because you need to make sure you and your children are protected. DO NOT use his attorney!!! Find one on your own. You can drag a divorce out, I know I have. One of my tactics is that everything is done through our attorneys through the mail. I refused to sit down and hammer out a settlement agreement in one day as he wished, I sat down with my attorney and drew up the settlement agreement, then my attorney sat on it for a couple of weeks and then mailed it to his attorney. See, now I've just used up about 4 weeks to do something that he wanted done in about 4 hours. Stalling. . . .but while you're stalling continue to fight for the marriage. Continue to Plan A if that's where you are, do what you need to do so that if the divorce goes through and becomes final you have no regrets that you did everything in your own power to save the marriage.

Do not agree to 70/30 visitation, at a minimum get 50/50. California is a no-fault state, meaning it doesn't matter in the eyes of the law what you might have done in the marriage, unless he can prove you're an unfit mother, and I don't suspect that he can, I'm willing to bet you could get 50/50 if not more. And you're right, the more percentage of time he's awarded means the less he will pay to you in child support, and it works on a formula between income of both of you and % of time you will have the children.

The divorce process is yucky and expensive!

Schmink
schmink_mb@yahoo.com

First I ask you, do you think that making a divorce difficult on your stbx will make them come around to even liking you again? My situation is in my opinion dire, both for me and the kids. She is a phsyco, playing puppeteer, annoying the kids, annoying me, doesnt want reconciliation, and is just dragging along. She wants more than the home is worth, wants custody of only one kid because in her opinion, the 14yo is beyond help. In my case, I dont need people filling my STBX's head with game tactics on how to drag it out, how to get back at me, or how to put the hurt on me. I made the most difficult decision I have ever made in my life. I would rather have had to give my life for one of my kids than to possibly destoy another human being with the process of divorce, rejection, and having to break a family apart. Too much emphasis is put on destoying each other than getting the emotionally troubled one the help they need. I will never be able to be with her again, and that is ok. I did this for my kids first, for me second, and my wife last. I miss her although she reigned terror in our home daily. I miss any kind of adult companionship but know that my kids need me now, more than ever to see this through, and to protect them from overbearing, contolling emotionally abusive woman that gave birth to them. My heart isnt broken. It is destroyed, knowing she chose this route over MC. There. I feel better.

<small>[ March 24, 2004, 11:05 AM: Message edited by: Hired Help ]</small>