Hello Pariskev:

So kind of you to reply. I really thought this was a dead thread. Thank you for reviving it. I received some very good advice from MB people in this thread which I am thankful for.

I want first to try to characterize the relationship I now have with my x-wife. We have no problem speaking to one another; neither on the phone, nor face-to-face. As long as the topic regards our children, all is fine. However if I should speak about reconciliaton, she feels backed into a corner. Over the last 21 months, I believe we have made good progress. We joke around together. We have had family movie nights. We have cooperated on Finnish-English translation projects. She sometimes sends leftovers to me if the kids happen to eat dinner at her place (our two children live with me). We are friends and can call on one another when necessary. I must say though that I continue to initiate most all the contact. It is as if it is a threat to her independence if she reaches out to me for a favor.

One of the biggest steps recently, I believe, is that she has stated that she forgives me; not just a passing comment mind you; but a heartfelt sincere statement. I feel finally that she really means it. She tells me that she has reached forgiveness, but "forgetting" will still take a long time. I accept this. Adultery is a cruel selfish act. But "what" did she forgive me about?" Let me now do my best to describe the wrong roads I went down and why.

I guess I was a normal teen-age boy; discovering pornography at age 13 and never looking back. A truckload of sexual sin is now what I realize it was. But when you are that age, you have no idea the damage such habits can cause. I don`t think I ever had a severe addiction, but mild and steady describes it. I never had any guidance from my parents in this area; not one bit. During my teenage years, my father was often far away working and my mom coped as best she could. Drinking, pot and occasional shoplifting completed my teenage mix. Was I normal? I think so, but I now know I was setting patterns for my life.

When I met her at age 17, she was really my first and I was hers. Whether it was her liberal Scandinavian upbringing or my having lacked any parental supervision, for us, there was no question of "waiting". Sex immediately became the "climax" to everything we did. And by that time also, pornography had already exposed me to literally hundreds of sex scenes of all shapes, sizes and persuasions. Not a very healthy start to a life long committed relationship. Nonetheless, we did have a wonderful meaningful courtship, and in 1985, we were married. Oddly though, the time just prior and after our wedding was really rough. For whatever reason, she started physically abusing me during this period. Something was apparently very wrong between us, but after a while, the abuse stopped. For me though, I never dealt with the pain and embarrassment and I just buried it. Instead of confronting her, I silently vowed to "get even" someday. Finally this is what I did while on travel 3 years later on. The revenge I sought though was not "satisfied" (it never is, is it?) so it happened again about a year later. I buried both these incidents and thought that we were then "even". How stupid, and immature I was to think that two wrongs could ever make a right!!

The children came in 91 & 93 and new challenges arose. We got really busy!! During 1996/1997 financial pressure mounted, my father passed away, and I felt increasingly alienated working among Finnish people in a language I often did not fully understand. It was at this time that some sort of x-pat/mid-life crisis hit me and intensifed over the next five years. During this time, I committed adultery 4 additional times while on travel. These were truly the lowest moments of my life. All during this time, I also abused myself with poor eating and overworking. I did not take care of myself spiritually, nor in any other way, so therefore I opened myself wide open to sexual sin. No I never wanted to leave the marriage, but my adultery is clearly a case for her to have done just that. I have asked for repeated forgiveness. Well ok, I have receieved this now. But still I must accept that that she is gone. Forgivenes does not always lead to reconciliation; especially when there is a third party involved. He touches her in some way I guess I never could. She has no confidence that I will be able to meet her emotional needs better than he can.

I confessed my sexual sins to my wife in the summer of 2002. By that point she had already developed an interest in another man. So when I confessed, she ran straight to him, and it is still there where she is to this day. They are not living together. In fact, she sees him quite rarely, perhaps a coulple times per month. And despite his desire, every other month it seems, to "cool it off", she remains 100% committed to him. He really has her wrapped up emotionally. She has also abandoned most every other former relationship of hers, e.g., with our children, with our extended family and with her friends.

Despite all my attempts to reoncile, she maintains that she Loves this man, and as long as she Loves him, she cannot possibly reconcile with me. The OM though is not in any hurry. He wants to move very slowly with her and even after 21 months together, he has not yet met my children. This, in my opinion, is slow.

I am willing to talk about reconciliation at any time, just the two of us, or with others, but for it to work, it really must be initiated by her. Otherwise, I just push her further and further away. I am entirely open to counselling, but I guess, from her point of view, what good will it do if she Loves this OM.

My only recourse is to pray for her, and this is what I do everyday.

Standing in Finland

<small>[ April 01, 2004, 10:54 PM: Message edited by: StandingInFinland ]</small>