Do any of you have personal experience of your WS changing the locks on your house? I'm too upset to repeat my story, but although I haven't lived there since end of July 2003, I pay the mortgage.

I have confronted WS about her EA/PA, and maybe she does not want me snooping. She is away at her mom's for a week. I went "home" to get some shoes for one of my children and could not get in.

I called her from my cell and asked her if she changed the locks. She said yes. I was livid, and still am, and told her she has no right, that it is still my home too, even if I am not resident there. She hung up on me.

Any thoughts someone can offer before I do something I regret?

Shaken

I feel for you.

My WH changed the locks when he said he wouldn't. He has a key to my apartment and has been in here quite a few times when I wasn't here and he didn't tell mein advance he was coming.

I can't get into words how upset and pissed I am that he changed the locks to OUR home. In my state, they are not allowed to do that. I know an attorney can get a court order to allow me back into OUR home and for me to move back in, but I don't want to piss him off.

BTW, it will be 2 weeks this Monday since we've spoken to each other. It sucks and I miss him so much right now. I need him here with me and he is slapping me in the face with his no contact.

I hope things can get better for you. I know how good it feels to just be in YOUR home even if no one is there. It is very comforting.

Good luck!

I had the locks changed on my home when my WH moved out to "think" then I found a condom (unused) in his motel room. I knew that he was not moving out to work on the marriage or to think. He was moving out to "get some". I have no idea if he will help me pay the mortgage. I know he can't afford it very easily with child support & daycare that he has to pay. I was not given a key to his apt. so why should he have access to our home that he moved out of. My lawyer said it was fine.

If you are the sole owner of the home she cannot do that. I would find out what are the legal aspects are on this. My WW left with much of the household goods the day I confronted her. I did change the locks because of her hostile act. I did not want her to take my business equipment.

Are you legally separated, and if so, do the papers state who lives in and who pays for the home? Or are you in that "moved out" phase without legal papers? This factor may give some clue as to what she *can* or *cannot* do. Did you have a verbal (or written, for that matter) agreement to not go to the house without notifying her first? (That's what I have) When you pick up the kids, do you go inside or do you get them from a neutral location?

Ultimately, this is something you should probably consult a lawyer about. Knowing what your legal standing is will probably help keep you from committing LBs. I know this came as a surprise for you and probably hurt a lot. But it happens pretty often - BS do it to keep their WS from taking all the furniture, or from being able to read legal papers they have laying out, etc... WS do it to keep the BS at a disadantage emotionally and to keep them from snooping, just as you said.

My x moved out 4 months after filing. I knew he was asking other women at the gym for phone numbers and was collecting other data. He wanted the divorce. I wanted peace of mind. He had already taken some things without permission and I didn't want him taking any more. I changed one lock. Didn't change the other locks.

He was mad. He was still paying the mortgage. I told him the counselor told me it was ok. That I needed to feel safe. If he would provide me with a key to his apartment, I would provide him with a key to that lock. I never got the key.

Shaken,

Plase check with your lawyer about the law in your state. My guess is that once you moved out, she probably had a right to change the locks even though you are still paying the mortgage. It is because this is still her primary residence, you have changed yours.

Your post just does not have enough information for us to tell you. You really should discuss this with a lawyer. Good luck.

Shaken,

In the state of Texas, unless I had a court order, my ex could come into the house anytime he wanted if he owned our home too. Even if I were to have changed the locks , legally he could break out a window if he wanted to and the cops would have done nothing because it is his home.

Even after I got separation papers saying that he can not come in any time, I was told by the police that the cops would not arrest him because it is still his home and the judge probably would fine him for doing this.

I changed the locks as soon as I got it in writing that he was not allowed to enter the home without my permission and thankfully my ex's attorney adviced him to stay away.

I understand your feelings, but I think you should respect her wishes, you are separated, you haven't lived there in almost a year, until the divorce and the splitting of the property it would be best to not enter without her permission, especially if you have a written agreement that this is where she resides. It is similar to a landlord, you may pay the mortgage but she is the one who is residing there, not you. I am not trying to side with her, I understand your pain, but try hard not to let her get to you.

Anna

Dear Moving on?

I understand your point, but the difference is I am the BS, who was more or less forced out of his own home. I have done nothing wrong, certainly nothing to merit this type of behaviour.

Shaken

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by ?Moving On?:
<strong> I had the locks changed on my home when my WH moved out to "think" then I found a condom (unused) in his motel room. I knew that he was not moving out to work on the marriage or to think. He was moving out to "get some". I have no idea if he will help me pay the mortgage. I know he can't afford it very easily with child support & daycare that he has to pay. I was not given a key to his apt. so why should he have access to our home that he moved out of. My lawyer said it was fine. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">

I have an appointment with my lawyer tomorrow. I have not taken anything from my house, except most of my clothing, most of my CD collection, and a few books. I have not been any kind of threat to my wife - the exception being that I have discovered her affair and she is probably acting out of fear that I will find something else out that she may be hiding.

What really annoys me is that my wife is away for a week and has not left me with enough clothing for at least one of my children. I can't even get into the house to get some clothes for my daughter.

Shaken

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Pheonix_66:
<strong> If you are the sole owner of the home she cannot do that. I would find out what are the legal aspects are on this. My WW left with much of the household goods the day I confronted her. I did change the locks because of her hostile act. I did not want her to take my business equipment. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">

Dear Avondale25:

We do not have a written separation agreement at this time. My wife wanted one in November, and I balked because I was not emotionally ready at that time. After I found out about her affair, I got proactive and drafted a firm - some would say nasty - separation agreement as the basis by which we would negotiate something.

My wife did not agree with some of the clauses in the agreement I drafted and has been a real bi*** about some things.

Nonetheless, I have given her no reason to change the locks. I have no desire to be in the house. I really feel a heaviness in there whenever I do go in (sends a chill down my spine and I want to leave). I certainly have no desire to stay there anymore. In fact, I have wanted to sell the place, but my WS will not budge. She has most of the cards right now, courtesy of the fact I moved out of the house without a written agreement. That was a mistake.

When I pick up and drop off the kids, I normally wait in the driveway, but sometimes walk into the entranceway.

You've made some good points in your post. I am seeing my lawyer tomorrow. I really think I gave my wife too much credit for brains. She has made one bad decision after another.

Shaken

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by avondale25:
<strong> Are you legally separated, and if so, do the papers state who lives in and who pays for the home? Or are you in that "moved out" phase without legal papers? This factor may give some clue as to what she *can* or *cannot* do. Did you have a verbal (or written, for that matter) agreement to not go to the house without notifying her first? (That's what I have) When you pick up the kids, do you go inside or do you get them from a neutral location?

Ultimately, this is something you should probably consult a lawyer about. Knowing what your legal standing is will probably help keep you from committing LBs. I know this came as a surprise for you and probably hurt a lot. But it happens pretty often - BS do it to keep their WS from taking all the furniture, or from being able to read legal papers they have laying out, etc... WS do it to keep the BS at a disadantage emotionally and to keep them from snooping, just as you said. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">

Thanks for your post.

My local police have told me the same thing - that is, they would overlook it if I broke a window to get into the house. They just want me to let them know first. I know I could easily get a court order, but I want to pick my battles.

As I've told other posters, I have no desire to go into the house, but most of my possessions are still there and my WS is making it difficult for me. My patience is wearing very thin right now.

Shaken

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Anna2000:
<strong> Shaken,

In the state of Texas, unless I had a court order, my ex could come into the house anytime he wanted if he owned our home too. Even if I were to have changed the locks , legally he could break out a window if he wanted to and the cops would have done nothing because it is his home.

Even after I got separation papers saying that he can not come in any time, I was told by the police that the cops would not arrest him because it is still his home and the judge probably would fine him for doing this.

I changed the locks as soon as I got it in writing that he was not allowed to enter the home without my permission and thankfully my ex's attorney adviced him to stay away.

I understand your feelings, but I think you should respect her wishes, you are separated, you haven't lived there in almost a year, until the divorce and the splitting of the property it would be best to not enter without her permission, especially if you have a written agreement that this is where she resides. It is similar to a landlord, you may pay the mortgage but she is the one who is residing there, not you. I am not trying to side with her, I understand your pain, but try hard not to let her get to you.

Anna </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">

Shaken,
I just had to reply about one of your subsequent comments:
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Shaken said: I got proactive and drafted a firm - some would say nasty - separation agreement as the basis by which we would negotiate something...Nonetheless, I have given her no reason to change the locks. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Do you see how that could be viewed as contradictory? It is quite possible that she changed the locks to "retaliate" to your nasty separation agreement. I'm not sure where you stand regarding MB principles, and obviously I don't know your whole story, but wherever you're heading, being nasty doesn't usually get oneself very far.

And as far as the other things in the house, if you have specific things that are YOURS, that you brought into the marriage, you can get those anytime. The other household items can be divided at a future date, yet to be determined (i.e., legalese meaning "upon divorce"). Is divorce your plan?

Let us know how your conversation with an attorney goes. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

<small>[ March 22, 2004, 06:21 AM: Message edited by: avondale25 ]</small>

There was no affair in my situation. Wife left, and took all of her personal items and agreed to get a divorce. She was gone for 3 weeks and then came back to get a "few" things. I changed the locks as per my atty. She has played tricks with the kids who are with me,to gain entry to the house to get a "few" things. Next, I heard through the grapevine,(mine is pretty reliable) that she thinks I have someone else and went though the house looking for evidence of that, while I was at work. She didnt find any, because it isnt true. That is when I was really angered because I thought of it this way. I gave her an ultimatum to get help or leave. She chose leave. I filed the complaint, and she denied everything. She has made threats to the kids over custody, I say threats because they dont want to be around her because of her behavior. She has mentioned PAS, and other buzz phrases. She is now building a "case" against me for court. She has snooped into personal things( I feel that she left and what I do now is personal, bills, and accounts etc). She feels otherwise. So I changed the locks to prevent anytime access. Yes, I found out she can break in. More great advise of the lawyer. But at least it will slow her down. How long does it usually take to get to court for kid issues, child support etc when you are filing through supreme court? I am in limbo, her saying untruths, making demands etc. I need intervention here.

Shaken:

This is a great thread and a great topic. Your experience here could help many others. Please keep us posted on how you make out.

Hired Help makes a good point. My attorney wanted me to change the locks for legal reasons. The changing of locks may have been nothing more than a legal maneuver. Why don’t you go to Target or a consignment shop and pick up a weekend’s worth of clothes for the kids to keep at your house? Just enough so that you aren’t dependent on your estranged wife’s packing vagaries.

I went through this same issue. At first I trusted what the local police thought, but then turned to omy lawyer and learned the truth.

No one has the right to lock the other party out of a home that their name is on the title of. It is an illeagal lock-out and the party that locks the other out can actually be arrested if they do not comply by allowing the co-owner acess to the property.

I feel the same way these days, that I don't want to set foot in the home...but...it's still my property, and I still have things there. I insisted on being given the key because it IS my right, reegardrless of what X thinks I own or don't own. That is for the court to determine. The police also told me that I could do what I had to do to get into the residence as long as I notified them first.

Hope it helped.

Wait a dern minute.

Shaken - this is the first of your posts I've read, so maybe there's some important info I'm missing. Tell me if I have this right:

She is the WS and you moved out, yet you're paying the mortgage?

You have no legal separation defining who pays what or who lives where?

She is gone for a little while and changed the locks on your jointly held home where your children live?

My God, man - break a window, move back in, and change the locks again!!!!! Give her a new key wher she gets back!!!

What do you have to lose???

On second thought, don't break a window - hire a locksmith.

<small>[ March 22, 2004, 01:33 PM: Message edited by: worthatry ]</small>

Yes, I do see it now... You're right. Thanks. Even still, I have never threatened her, nor given her reason to really fear me. In fact, I would say I have been more fearful of her the past 18 months than she has of me.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by avondale25:
<strong> Shaken,
I just had to reply about one of your subsequent comments:
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Shaken said: I got proactive and drafted a firm - some would say nasty - separation agreement as the basis by which we would negotiate something...Nonetheless, I have given her no reason to change the locks. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Do you see how that could be viewed as contradictory? It is quite possible that she changed the locks to "retaliate" to your nasty separation agreement. I'm not sure where you stand regarding MB principles, and obviously I don't know your whole story, but wherever you're heading, being nasty doesn't usually get oneself very far.

And as far as the other things in the house, if you have specific things that are YOURS, that you brought into the marriage, you can get those anytime. The other household items can be divided at a future date, yet to be determined (i.e., legalese meaning "upon divorce"). Is divorce your plan?

Let us know how your conversation with an attorney goes. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">

Yes, WAT. I moved out of the house well beforw WS's affair began. The affair is one result of our separation, but is most definitely not the cause of the separation.

I like to think I have been overly kind and generous with wife, rather than overly stupid. Guess the jury is still out on this.

We have no written separation agreement at this point. Wife wanted one months ago and I was not emotionally ready to deal with it. Now it seems I want one more than she does, because she keep putting it off. It seems she is making all the mistakes but does not want to be the one to initiate a divorce. I am now ready to initiate divorce because I finally realize I don't want a wife like mine (I can do much better frankly) and desire someone who wants all the love I have to offer.

Having said this, I will not initiate divorce proceedings until we have an agreed-upon separation agreement in place. Also, I know divorce is wrong, so I want to allow enough time for my WS to come to her senses and be willing to work on the marriage. I don't want it anymore, but I would make an honest effort to repair and reconcile if she wants to.

I have become much stronger because I know I really do have nothing to lose. Our relationship could not be any worse (knock on wood).

Shaken

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by worthatry:
<strong> Wait a dern minute.

Shaken - this is the first of your posts I've read, so maybe there's some important info I'm missing. Tell me if I have this right:

She is the WS and you moved out, yet you're paying the mortgage?

You have no legal separation defining who pays what or who lives where?

She is gone for a little while and changed the locks on your jointly held home where your children live?

My God, man - break a window, move back in, and change the locks again!!!!! Give her a new key wher she gets back!!!

What do you have to lose???

On second thought, don't break a window - hire a locksmith. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">