Jarod,
I am gonna go through your original email. Elan had some GREAT points. I'm just gonna give you my thoughts rather than trying to peice together Elans and your's and mine. I capitilized the parts I reworded. I also added in some from second mail. What I didn't add I recommend leaving out. Please read this and remember, it's YOUR thoughts and feelings that count and if my ideas don't sound good or is something you wouldn't or couldn't say, then don't use them or else change them to reflect you.

My dearest wife,

I've been recalling all the times I yelled at you to try and get your attention, or make you listen... and how I would never leave it alone until both of us were hurt so badly that we couldn't do much more than try to hurt eachother even worse. I've been going over those incidents backwards and forwards, inside and out, to try and figure out exactly where I went wrong. I've tried all sorts of things in my panicked rush to fix what was wrong. A lot of those things just ended up being major setbacks. I got angry at you when I should have just let things be. I tried to get you to talk WHEN THE TIMING WAS ALL WRONG.

I applied pressure to you in areas I should have never touched with any kind of force, or upset feelings. How can I properly apologize to you for all that?

Maybe if I'd bothered to take my time, and think things through, it wouldn't have ever got this bad. What I can do now is use the lessons I've been learning to do things differently in the future.

I realize how scared, angry, and powerless that
MUST HAVE MADE you feel.

I know that those are the feelings you hate the most. I will try my damnedest to never make you feel those things again.
I am deeply and honestly regretful for treating you that way. I should've been much more patient, and broke away until you were ready to give me your attention. I promise you that I will TRY MY BEST TO NOT MAKE YOU FEEL THAT WAY.

I HAVE BEEN DOING ALOT OF THINKING AND WORK ON MYSELF. I WANT TO FIND A WAY TO MAKE THINGS BETTER FOR US AND TO WORK TOGETHER WITH YOU TO MAKE OUR MARRIAGE A HAPPY ONE FOR BOTH OF US.

I WOULD LIKE TO TELL YOU HOW I AM FEELING AND WHAT I AM THINKING. I WANT YOU TO KNOW HOW I WANT TO TREAT YOU IF WE HAVE A CHANCE TO BE TOGETHER AGAIN.

All the ways I will treat you like the goddess you are to me. I hope you believe me when I say these things... because this is as truthful as a man gets.
I want to make our home a safe, happy, and peaceful place for us, and our children. I WILL DO MY BEST TO LEARN ABOUT YOU AND WHAT YOUR NEEDS ARE. Here's what I'M THINKING so far:

-When either of us are angry over ANYTHING. I will be the one to step away for a while. I will be the one to allow us space. This burden will never fall on your shoulders again. You bore it too many times in the past, and there is no reason for you to ever bear it again. I will see to this.

-We will have a time every day that will be set aside for us each to think about anything we're having a problem with, alone. Time to reflect, time to release, and time to just sit and do nothing. I believe this will help, because I understand how private and internal you really are. I'm starting to find that, to an extent, I am, too.

-You may choose a word. Any word at all. It'll be your 'safety word'. If you ever say it to me, for any reason... I will stop dead in my tracks, and say; "Yes, honey. I understand. I love you.", and I'll walk away until you ARE READY TO TALK AGAIN.
IF YOU AGREE THAT WOULD WORK FOR YOU, THEN YOU CAN LET ME KNOW YOUR WORD OF CHOICE.

-We both know by now how important sex is to both of us. We're not equals at all in that regard. I'm sorry I ever tried to change your mind, and I'm especially sorry for the way I tried. That aspect of our life is something I've never apologized for. I was a fool when it came to that. I want you to enjoy every time we make love. I WOULD ASK THAT YOU COULD GIVE ME SIGN OF SOME SORT. I WAS THINKING ABOUT That blacklight lamp you have... YOU COULD place it on your nightstand. Turn it on when we go to bed if you're in the mood... or, leave it off if you're not. I will never defy that rule. SEEMS SILLY MAYBE BUT DO YOU THINKS THAT MIGHT BE SOMETHING WE COULD TRY?

-You seem to be best at planning activities. When you're bored OR JUST FEEL LIKE DOING SOMETHING COME TALK TO ME AND TELL ME WHAT YOU WOULD LIKE TO DO. We'll do it. No questions.


-We will have at least one night a week where we can get away from everything, and go somewhere alone. We'll leave the kids with someone, and go out. I regret never being able to do the 'dating' thing before we moved in together. We started way too serious, and skipped past the entire first stages of a relationship. I want us to have that back.

-If you ever need a whole day to yourself, you can have it. I understand how overwhelmed you are by the course your life took. BEING A MOTHER AND A WIFE IS ALOT OF WORK.

HERE'S SOMETHING I HAVE BEEN THINKING WE COULD DO.
On one of my days off from work, you may leave at any time, and come back when you're ready. Do something to unwind, and come back relieved. I want you to be able to do this AND I REALIZE IT'S IMPORTANT TO YOU... especially now that we'll have a family of four. This will be my gift to you for being such a good mother, and trying your hardest to be a good wife.

-You will have a gift from me to wake up to every single morning. Be it a love letter, a poem, a box of candy, a rose, or something to make you laugh. You deserve it. When everything is put back into place with us, the greatest gift in the world for me will be waking up to see you next to me. THE ONLY THINGS I CAN ASK OF YOU ARE YOUR LOVE, LOYALTY AND THE CHANCE TO BE NEAR YOU.

-I will TRY always TO appreciate you in every way, and I will continue to search for ways to appreciate you more for the rest of our lives. It will be something that will never be complete... only made better.

-It will be a rare occasion that you ever wash a dish. Hold me to this.

-When we buy a house... you will have your own area in it that I will only enter when invited. No exceptions (unless you have a medical emergency in there ).

You can take all these promises to the bank. The check won't bounce.
I AM HOPING SOME DAY YOU CAN LET ME KNOW WHAT YOU ARE WANTING AND FEELING AND WHAT YOU NEED FROM ME. IT WOULD MEAN MORE TO ME THAN YOU COULD EVER KNOW.

All I need right now is a response from you. I'll be waiting for you to tell me IF you want these things from me. I AM HOPING YOU WILL SAY YES BUT I WANT YOU TO BE HONEST. I WANT YOU TO TELL ME WHAT YOU NEED AND WANT.

So... on to the less serious stuff. Is our daughter doing alright? You said she was sick. I hope she's feeling better. She doing anything new?
How are you feeling? Have you gone to see an obstetrician yet? If so, what's the news? Is OUR baby healthy?

Looking forward to your trip home? I'm going to try to send a little care package out there ahead of you. Some things to make you smile, and such. It won't be a lot... but, it'll be from me. I really hope you enjoy yourself while you're home. Relax, kick back, and shake off Vegas completely. It'll be good for you.
I got that job I was waiting for this week. I think they're gonna pay me $10 an hour. Maybe more. Looking forward to it. I guess I start on Monday.
Next month, I'll start looking at apartments. It'll be nice to not have to answer to anyone. Lonely, for sure... but, then again, even in a crowd, I'm still lonely without you. Furniture is my only concern. I'll scour yard sales a couple weeks before I move, and see what I can find.
Like I said.... therapy is going well. I'm learning a lot, and applying it more.

I love you,
-Jarod"

Ok, now for some comments. I understand that you are desperate and would give anything to get your wife back. Be careful here!! When you are making promises and garantees they need to be ones that you KNOW you can keep. It all sounds good but if you fail it can be crushing right now because you are trying to built trust again.

Keep it simple. Focus on what she really needs or wants. For instance, gift are cool BUT they are not necessary every day. It does take a lot of effort to get those gifts and it's great if you want to do that. Remeber though that a gift everyday takes away the element of surprise and it also can become boring. Maybe just say that you would like to start getting her more gifts, things she would like or needs, and you will indeed do that.

As for doing the dishes, I think you are insane but you could come live with me. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />
Maybe it would be a good idea to say that you realize that you could and should be doing dishes more and you would like to take the responsibility of that and make it your job. I am afraid you are really setting yourself up here. By saying you are taking the responsibility you then have a little le-way in case you have to work late or something comes up and you don't have time a particular day.

Just remember, don't over do it!!! Be realistic. And one last thing....it's ok for you to think of yourself a little and take care of your needs. You no good to anyone if you neglect yourself. You'll be all raggedy!! Take a little time for you ok?

Symphony

I couldn't have said it better myself Symphony!

I'd scrap the letter though and really read what Symphony says in her comments. Give it time. Sit back and think about all of this. Do some reading on the website about His Needs, Her Needs. You are so obsessed about getting this letter *right* that you are losing focus on what's really important here --> REAL changes.

Keep in contact for your child's sake. Do find our how "OUR" child is doing and if there is anything that you can do for her.

As for your letters Jarod -- keep them in a journal. Write daily to her, it's great therapy. Along the way you will find things that you need to deal with or things that crop up. Get yourself into DivorceCare where they can discuss topics such as finances, children, sex -- things that you need to look at in ANY relationship. It's important to get yourself all straightened out.

I know how hard it is to be without your partner, but you have to give both of you some time. Absence doesn't mean forever. Keep it short and sweet if you feel the need to send her a letter. Tell her you want to say so much more, but that you would rather say it in person. In your journal -- take the time to openly write about anything and everything (not even specifically to her). You will find that it will bring out a whole lot more. Explore what you are feeling when you are writing it down. Why are you angry? Why did you react in a certain way? Why do you think you can change it now. Do it for yourself.

Journalling doesn't mean you have to put pen to paper. If you find typing it on the computer is easier -- let it flow and then save the pages in a binder. You will find that your exploring will open up different areas for you to discuss in more detail with your counselor. Above all else, know that you will be OK -- no matter what!

thank you for everything.... all of you.

I've learned a lot in the short time I've been here, that I have.

I'll stick around here if/when this all comes back together. I won't ever be done learning the skills, attitudes, and actions I'll need to maintain a healthy marriage...
I hope you're all going to keep me in check. I know I'll be trying like hell to watch myself, and she will probably be more apt to give me pointers in a healthy way.

I've had a lot of help from you all, that I have. I don't think I'll ever be able to repay the debt.

There is no debt Jarod. Sometimes we can't help the ones who helped us but we pass that on and help someone else.

It's a big step to ask for help and you did that.

It's an even harder one I think to hear that your doing some things wrong but you listened.

Even harder still is to really think about yourself and decide that you need to make changes. You are doing that.

Even HARDER is taking action. Your on your way!!

There is a statement from you that I pulled off another thread that I would like you to take some time and think about,

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Plan it out carefully, and methodically, and stick to it. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I am seeing some control issues here. You CAN'T control the world around you. You CAN'T control your wife's actions, thoughts and feelings. You CAN control you. You can control your thought process, your words. your attitudes and your actions. This will have an effect on the world around you and on your wife. You CAN decide what you want your final outcome to be (in this case a stable and happy marriage) but because there are others involved (wife and kids) you have to remain open and FLEXIBLE. If you decide what will happen and how it leaves no room for anyone else's feelings and thoughts. You have to be flexible in order to accomadate others needs and feelings. Those needs and feelings will change over time. Your's will too.

Look back to when you were 18 and see how much you have changed in these last 6 years. How your wants and needs have changed. Your attitudes and thoughts. When you are 30 you can look back and you will see the same great change. You will probably find you are a completely different person in regards to what you need and want and how you see life. We never stop growing and changing. We never stop learning.

So decide what you want and how you would like to go about achieving that. Then remember, it's not just you. You have to find out what you wife wants and what her needs are. You have to ask her!! Then you have to decide together how you are going to go about getting the end result.

Right now you may have to bear more of the burden but in time, she will (and must) contribute to the marriage. Keep talking. find out what she will and can do right now. As she gets healthier and happier and you keep talking you will find that needs change and wants change and ability to do things change.

Keep your eyes on the prize but don't obsess so much about the outcome that you aren't able to see what is happening every day and what you can (and can't) do about it.

Take care of you today, just a little bit!!
Symphony

update:
Heather and I are spending the day together on Friday. Some of our family on my side are coming into town Thursday night, and we're having dinner together.
She's leaving that night to go home (out-of-state)... I will be the last person out here she sees before she leaves.
I'm feeling good. This will be a good opportunity to show her all the things I've learned, and the changes in my attitude.

I hope something sinks in, that I do.
Pray for me.

-Jarod

Jarod,
Don't expect too much too soon it will take some time for her to believe in you. Just put your new knowledge to work and enjoy spending the time with her. I think you'll do great!
Symphony

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Symphony of Life:
<strong> Jarod,
Don't expect too much too soon it will take some time for her to believe in you. Just put your new knowledge to work and enjoy spending the time with her. I think you'll do great!
Symphony </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">You're right... it's going to take a little time.
I want her to be able to see the changes, and look at me differently than she has the past two months... but, I'm not expecting her to fly off the handle, and tear my clothes off with her teeth, or anything... (not that I would mind...)
I've set my mind to it. I'm going to prove myself, or die trying.

ugh.....

I messed up a little today... my wife and I got into a little tussle over the baby. She hardly ever allows me to see her, and even then, not for very long. I have to practically demand to be able to see the baby for any length of time.
I'm very upset by that. I don't know how to deal with it.
I asked to have her with me until Friday, and my wife pitched a little fit over it. I responded calmly, and did what she asked... but, on my own terms.
When I dropped the baby off today, I told her that she's really starting to piss me off with this all but cutting me off from our daughter crap.
She came back at me with some nonsense, accusing me of deliberately starting trouble, and I slightly lost it.
I didn't shout... barely raised my voice to her, spoke firmly, and spoke my mind.

When I got home, I sent her an email...
"I'm sorry. I slipped up today. I was wrong."

I think I have a right to be angry... but, I didn't want to get into it with her again.

Maybe I am just a failure.

Your not a failure Jarod. You have just started learning about yourself and the behaviors that you would like to change. It takes some time but you'll get it. The important thing to remember is that when you screw up, you get back on the "horse" and continue on. Don't waste time feeling sorry for yourself or beating yourself up. Learn from it and continue with the new you that you are striving to be.

I do understand you are having a tough time not seeing your child. It must be very frustrating. It's ok to talk to your wife and be honest with how you feel.

You got to spend time with yoru daughter. It may not have been exactly what you wanted but it was something you can build on for longer and better visits in the future.

I think where you screwed up was driving it in as soon as you saw her about how unhappy you were about the situation instead of just being glad for what you got. My guess is that you were holding some of that in and thinking about it when you were with your D.

It would be better to let her know how much you appreciated that time with your D and ask her if you can do it again soon. Tell her how much it meant to you. You can still do that.

Good that you apologized.

Symphony

I've decided on a different approach. I've saved the other letter for a better time. Right now, this is what I have... I used a template of a letter someone else, in almost the same situation as me, sent to his wife, and I added and removed a lot to put it into my own words.
The results showed up quickly form them... and I'm hoping the same will happen for my wife and I.
I will send it on Saturday.

"Dearest wife,

I’ll be straight and to the point. I’m not proud that it took this tragic situation to jolt me into evaluating myself. However, I have taken a long hard look at myself and I’m making needed changes in my life. This letter is a little long-winded, but I feel it's needed, and I would like you to read through it several times to absorb it all.

My priorities are clear to me and I’m beginning to adjust my actions accordingly. For example:
-I’ve humbled myself and determined to set aside anger, and any of it’s forms as far as humanly possible. It has been very difficult, but it's getting easier all the time.
-I am in a form of counseling, and I’m learning a lot from it, as you know.
-I need to take note of, and maintain and improve the conditions of where I currently live, as well as where we will live.
-I need to shut up and LISTEN when the opportunity presents itself. It is amazing to me how much better and easier life can be when I know what the others around me are thinking and doing.
-I need to not talk things to death, and I need to not be so quick to resort to an argument.
-I need to start thinking ahead to see opportunities for bringing you (and others) joy (calls, cards, gifts, thank yous etc…)
-I need to eliminate any negative sentence structure... it's unattractive and doesn’t work anyway.
-I need to avoid being drawn into inappropriate/coarse conversations with anyone.
-I need to start calling and visiting those who I care about and let them know how I feel, see how they are really doing. I’ve been an absentee from a lot of these people’s lives until two months ago. I’m already vastly improved in that regard.
-I need to drop my habit of sloppiness. That, too, is not attractive, detracts from the quality of life of all of us, and served a poor example.
-I need to not be so rash and quick to react. I need to pay attention more, and reserve myself.

I’ve felt that the divorce process is much like quicksand. That the deeper we go in the process the more likely we won’t be able to shake free when and if you realize we really can start a new relationship together. Our old marriage is dead... and I want to start a new one with you.
I know that this is possible, and I want to be able to show you that it is. Many, many people in worse situations than us have done it before... and, even though you think it's hopeless, that I can't change, that you can't change, etc... it is very possible, and will only take time, and effort from both of us.

I’ve examined my actions, and I most deeply regret emotionally harming you. Sure, you could have done things differently, but I DID let you down. It is clear to me that you withheld a part of yourself and I didn’t nurture you back. I’ve plunged ahead when your counsel would have served me well. I wounded your enthusiasm, failed to share my own. I’m asking you again for your forgiveness.
I have re-visited this issue many times over the last two months, and see no place for any emotional or verbal aggression even under the flag of discipline... especially with our daughter, and our new baby when he/she comes along.

I’ve examined my needs and dreams. I see a lot of my ‘Old Good Self’ here; my dreams. I’d like to share them with the three of you. I have not kindled this fire in haste; it burns with enduring passion and faith. I know where my treasure needs to be invested.

Here are some of my personal priorities/ambitions:
-First off, and most importantly... to repair and heal our marriage. The damage that has been done to it is substantial, but not mortal. I arrogantly thought everything was "not that bad", and I/we could take care of it. I can support these changes. I was wrong.
I've made a list of things I will do in the future for you, us, and our children. I'll show that to you later.
-To consider the best interests of our family first (that means all four of us). If in doubt to yield on the side of supporting our family. Right now that means being there for you, our daughter, and the new baby. Having FUN with you all, and showing you how a Man does things (it’s good to be organized, send cards to loved one’s, work/play hard, show enthusiasm, HUSTLE, etc…).
-Finish college, get my degree, and pursue more schooling in order to get to my eventual career goal as a college-level biology professor.
-Live in a nice home. It doesn’t need to be the big, but should exhibit a care, attention, and style that is currently lacking. This will require considerable effort and attention.
-I want to be involved with your family. I’ve been doing this towards your parents. I deeply respect them, and hope for the opportunity to speak directly with your father, soon. The conversations with your mother have been quite pleasant and helpful.
I’m very willing to spend more time to build these relationships, and open new ones with the rest of your family. I don’t sense that they have written me off. I think they would welcome me with blessings when my priorities are aligned.

Right now, we are acting independently. One of the reasons I married you is your strength. And even though I don't have much of that away from you, I can accept what's happening. Accepting does not have to mean I like it... but, if it has to happen, it will.
However, I’d like to build a new life together were we support each other’s dreams, and share some common dreams.
I'd rather not see us end up in court tossing nasty looks back and forth, and screaming at eachother over custody of the children, living situations, and child support. Because, that's how it's going to all end up if we go that road. It will be a long, painful process that will end up costing us thousands of dollars, and hundreds of hours, and considerable anguish and pain. That's the reality of it. You think being married is hard? Wait until you see what trading off the kids every three days is going to be like... that will be utter hell for both of us... and it will never end.
If I might be allowed to offer my view on all of this... it will be easier, better, and less costly to start healing and reconciling. Divorce is ugly, nasty, and expensive. The pain, bitterness, and anguish never leave. Especially when the children come to an age where they must choose one of us. It will happen. And, one of us will be left feeling rejected, broken, and worthless.

I know that this is not about cleanliness, finances, or responsibility. These issues do need to be addressed, but the main point that needs work is about our own joy, safety, security, and love. For me is getting to a place where we are connected. So we are communicating and feel safe to express enthusiasm, dreams, even silly ideas without reserve.
To me, marriage is ultimately about cherishing one’s mate. I long to support your goals, share your trials, and celebrating life’s wins, large and small. I will set aside time and money to be together alone, enjoying life. Planned time is fine, spontaneous time is even better. Sound impossible? Try me on this. It can be done and we can do it.

I’d like to apologize for, and turn away from, my specific failings, but right now I’m seeking a dialog with you. What rings true to you? Where do you agree? What emphasis would you change? How can I help you pursue your ambitions? What measurable goals can we set to ensure we’re making progress and not fooling ourselves?
In closing... I know you might be thinking "it's too late. Why didn't he do all of this before?", "well, how long will this last?", or “I don‘t feel like I love him anymore.”... maybe even "he's just making s*** up to get me back." There's only one way to find out the answers to all of those valid thoughts of yours... and, that's to give this another shot.
The contract was a dumb idea. It was a desperate grasping on my part to try and make things stable. You probably felt like I was trying to control you... it certainly seems that way, now. I was wrong for doing that, too. So, scrap the contract. Forget about it.
Instead... we should negotiate things in a more sensitive and loving way. I hope this letter to you will open that door. I want to do things to help you trust me again. I think that's the only way anything could ever work out with us again.
But, I'm going to stop talking obsessively about our relationship. That's most likely wearing you down, and making you tired of me.

With great respect, admiration, and love,
-Jarod"

<small>[ April 22, 2004, 07:16 PM: Message edited by: Jarod_Wynde ]</small>

Excellent Jarod!!!

Before you give it to her you need to OWN those words and know that you have to back them up with continued learning, perseverance and acceptance. I say acceptance because you need to accept the things you cannot change and accept that you will have failures and fall of course but you CAN with your goal and resolve get back to it and fulfill all your dreams.

It's only up from here right? Good on ya!!

Hoping the best for you,
Symphony

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Symphony of Life:
<strong> Excellent Jarod!!!

Before you give it to her you need to OWN those words and know that you have to back them up with continued learning, perseverance and acceptance. I say acceptance because you need to accept the things you cannot change and accept that you will have failures and fall of course but you CAN with your goal and resolve get back to it and fulfill all your dreams.

It's only up from here right? Good on ya!!

Hoping the best for you,
Symphony </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I'm more than ready to own those words, and make every effort possible to follow through.
I've been ready for this. I hope it all comes together again, soon.

Jarod, do you work? Full time?

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by baba2:
<strong> Jarod, do you work? Full time? </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">not full-time.... I'm trying to get into the Air Force... I have to work off the rest of my community service for my traffic tickets before then....

So, how are you going to support her and the baby?

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by baba2:
<strong> So, how are you going to support her and the baby? </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Air Force is good money....

OK, so how are you living now? Where do you get the money to live?

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by baba2:
<strong> OK, so how are you living now? Where do you get the money to live? </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I won't cut corners with you. I'm barely making it. I've got just enough income to make things work. Zero excess.
It isn't the greatest situation in the world... but, I need time to do my community service.

ok.... so, she's in Chicago with her parents, now. She'll be gone for another three weeks.

I've talked to her twice, so far... both conversations were quite pleasant.
There's no more talk of the relationship... no more grilling questions... no more negativity... no more judgements. I don't panic, and I'm not showing fear.
She seems to be opening up to me more... she talks to me about her day... like, play-by-play accounts. And, from the sound of her voice, I can tell she's smiling when she's talking to me... something I haven't got with any of the phone calls in the last 2 1/2 months.
When I end the conversations, I always say "I love you.". Before she left, since we've been separated, she usually immediately says "bye". Today, however... she hesistated a little... almost like she wanted to say "I love you, too.", but then she just said "goodbye".

I sent her the letter detailing all my promises about how I will treat her if/when we get back together.
I don't think I'll get a response for a while... but, I know she'll read it, and think about it.

Anyways... I'm off to bed. I have a 2:00 interview with a company that wants to give me a $1400 a month salary. There's no way I can miss out on this opportunity.