Caran,
I’m going to ask you lots of questions. Don’t answer them if you don’t want to. How long have you and OM been friends? Did you immediately hit it off, or did you know him for a while before you really connected? You mentioned that in the last quarter of 2001 you tried to pull back from OM..did you tell him that you needed to do that? Did he acknowledge the fact that you were both playing with fire? Where are things now? Are you trying to pull back? If so, is OM helping you? What are your plans for this? Both short term and long-term? <p>You say that you respect his decision to stay with his wife, and that you don’t want to interfere with that, but the only way to show that is to pull back, right? It’s so incredibly hard…because we like and love these men. <p>I don’t know about you, but I’m also a nurturer. When I first met him, I actually felt a little sorry for him. To be divorced after 30 years must be terribly sad and lonely, I wanted to bring him some happiness..He was also involved is a controversy where we worked and I wanted to be supportive of him…So I got into this role of wanting him to feel happy, special, and good. I still feel that way. (I think what about my HUSBAND of 21 years, who’s put up with me and our two sons…what about making him happy? Well, I also want to make him happy, etc.<p>I don’t know what’s wrong with me (us?) and why we need this attention from another man. I know I had some serious needs that weren’t being met before I met OM, but since my H got on to us, he’s kicked into high gear and has/is making me a top priority,,,the problem, in some ways, is that it came too late, I had already fallen in love with this OM. My husband is remarkable and has handled this unbelievably well…most people couldn’t/wouldn’t have handled it nearly as well, and many, many months ago would have pushed me out and away, in some way, forcing me to really run to OM. Luckily my H didn’t act that way and I was able to ride this through to a better conclusion…ie. Keeping my marriage in tact and not causing irreparable damage. I also take some credit for making the best of the situation and making my husband feel loved the whole time. My H has no idea just how hard I fell for the OM, or how obsessed I got with him, or how much contact I actually had with him…but that’s neither here nor there. <p>Well enough for now. I look forward to hearing from you. By the way, if you or anyone else would rather write to me at ashirley1@hotmail.com That’s fine.<p>P.S. Yes I am scared. And yes, I can't believe the amount of time and energy I have spent analyzing, processing, and trying to figure out what this relationship was all about, what it meant, and where it was going...and most of all--what did the OM want from it...both short and long term. He said he wanted to be friends and he valued my friendship and enjoyed my company...I couldn't accept that, I thought that he felt the same way about me that I felt about him...star-crossed lovers that would never be together because of external circumstances and other commitments. But now I realize that I was way of touch...that he really only wanted to be my friend...but I still have a hard time believing it. I thought that if I told him that my marriage was great, and improving, that he wouldn't want to be friends with me...I still don't know if that's true or not...but if it's true, then why couldn't I just stay with the program? I knew I'd never leave my H; if I could have believed the OM, then we'd be having coffee now right? I am still really, really confused. And I always get back to square 1...we are mature people, throughout life we will meet people we click with, but we are committed...so why can't our hearts get in line with our minds...I just don't get it!

Dear Caran:<p>"I have since found out, through another source, that for many years he has been in a very unhappy marriage, even separating for a short time a few years ago, but reconciling for the sake of their children. Do I think we're playing with fire? Absolutely! I'm an educated woman. I know that meeting for coffee and depending on multiple daily phone calls to get my "fix" is like any other addiction."<p>Finding this out was unfortunate because no matter what you say to yourself, the fact of his unhappy marriage is buzzing around inside your head, feeding your crush.<p>You must not meet him for coffee. Not even if others are present. You need to be strong. There can be no phone calls if they are not business related. <p>I see that you understand that you're addicted to this 'friendship'. That's good.<p>You're hurting your husband. My H is in an EA. The daily pain is murderous. I'm trying to stay married, and he's determined to act single. <p>You know you can't be friends with this man. You saw how your marriage improved when you were out of contact with him. Not touching each other is the least of it. You connect emotionally, and you're stealing that electricity, and energy, from your marriage. We have finite emotional energy. Our spouses deserve the best of it, not what's left over.<p>The Harleys provide marriage counseling. Please consider it.<p>[ February 28, 2002: Message edited by: Bellevue ]</p>

Belle,<p>Thanks for your reply the other day. Your advise is correct and proper. My heart goes out to you with your current marital situation. Believe this or not...THE SAME THING HAPPENED TO ME 17 YEARS AGO!! That's why I can't believe I got myself into this situation! My first husband had an EA when our son was only a year old. He eventually left me for her and married her! <p>Well, THAT was once upon a time....let me tell you how they live today....HE SLEEPS ON THE COUCH AND THEY ARE MISERABLE!!! (My son tells me)<Smile><p>I know I should never take enjoyment from this, however, I need to add that there has NEVER been a day in the past 25 years that my first husband has not called me on what would have been our wedding anniversary to wish me a happy anniversary!!!!! He knows what he did was wrong, impulsive and painful to me and his son, but he did it anyway and now lives with the consequenses.<p>Please know that it is THIS REASON for my distress over my feelings for this OM, in addition to the fact that my present husband is a fine and decent man who deserves all the love I have to give. I would not do what happened to me because the pain of that is something you never forget!<p>Thanks for your advise and God Bless You and your marriage!<p>~Caran

Ashirley,<p>First off, I don't mind the questions. How will we ever help one another if we don't share these things? Being ashamed is what keeps everyone trapped in their mess!<p>Let me see if I can start answering these questions of yours:<p>1. We have been friends for one year
2. OM is very reserved and aloof. I wouldnt say our friendship was instantaneous, but he seemed to come around my department alot (especially when he knew I would be there) and stayed most of the day, even after his initial reason to be there was finished. He's on the road, so have briefcase, will travel! He would talk to me quite a bit and eventually, he told me that he appreciated our friendship. He was the first one to even mention a friendship between us.
3. I pulled back last year really because I changed my job and I was traveling quite a bit for my company. It was external forces that drove that, but the result was something to think about.
4. No. He has not acknowledged my deeper feelings, nor has he talked about his own. When I told him that I had romantic feelings for him, he asked me "WHAT DO YOU WANT TO DO WITH THIS?" This was asked as if there was a choice! I told him that I wanted to preserve our friendship and he said that he didn't see why we couldn't do that. He said that we should just continue on as if nothing is different. (SUCH A MAN RESPONSE!!) I feel that he definately has feelings, but he buries them.
5. Things now? Well, since I told him, he has gotten much closer to me than he was before. We talk daily now whereas before, a few times a week.
6. Yes, I am trying to pull away, but I don't want to hurt him. I'm being crushed inside because I don't want to hurt my husband or OM. So, I hurt myself. Either way, someone gets hurt and it should be me!
7. OM helping with all this? I think at times, he, too, attempts to pull away. So, yes, I think he is trying. Sometimes honesty is there, in your face, and it is the good part of you that tries to put it all in order.
8. Plans short and long? WELL, it looks like a potential move may take care of both. I have been praying and praying for God to get me out of this mess that I created and I think He has! I will know in another week or so whether OM will be leaving. As for the REST OF MY LIFE? I need to find out WHY I allow this "doorway" to remain open in my life. I have begun seeing a therapist and hope to get my life back in order. I think that what's wrong with both of us is much deeper than we realize. Our attractions are symptoms of deeper issues and I intend to find out what they are!<p>Thanks, Ashirley, for all the help your posts have given to me. To all of you that have responded, thank you for your lack of condemnation. I believe that ALL OF YOU really want to help us resolve these issues and I thank God for each of you!<p>~Caran

I'm glad you are not in contact with him right now. My H's infatuation with my former best friend lead to an EA and later PA which almost destroyed 2 marriages, a business, friendships, etc. Our marriage will NEVER be the same. Looking back, he sees that she wasn't really a friend at all. Friends don't play those kind of games. Find out what's missing in your marriage because something is. Work on that and you won't need this 'friend' as much anymore. Good luck

Hmm, interesting topic, affairs come in so many kinds, these are the hardest, where one can't point to actual abuse, or neglect per se, just marriages that don't seem to connect, but are dutiful, and the bs a deserving person...but the ws connects with someone else....Is it real, if so what do do, how does one live knowing how it could/should be, but never will be...all that stuff... Yes, how well I know the questions, the feelings, the issues, but I know them as the om. A freindship, connections, a dysfuncitonal withdrawn long-term marriage, and then you realize you feel more than you should....you tell the ow your feelings, excpecting to be sent packing...but she says she feels the same, now what... Well in our case we reached the only conclusion you can, one cannot forge a real life from an affair....the feelings may be real, but the life is crippled... the only way to make anything right is to go back to ones spouse and tell the truth, then you put the marriage to the test, and it survives or it does not.... and whatever will be will be, the future is unwritten, and unknowable....but the affair stops, it must. <p>You cannot be friends, you will always be more, you cannot continue the affair, you must make a choice, reconcille the marriage, or end it an be single...not for the op, but because the marriage is not where you want to be...a marriage based on what the bs deserves (you) is not really a marriage, it is a sacrifice, and in the long run does not fair well, humans don't sacrifice very well, and no matter how "nice" you are....or how much you "love" your spouse, they may not be able to feel the same, and that is why they wander, they don't really fit you, they care about you, they feel dutiful, but you don't (and may never) really connect in that particular intimate marital way....you have to decide whether you can live the rest of your life knowing that.

I have to be honest and admit I haven't read all of your story. However, it seems to me that you are treading on dangerous groung. You say you want your marriage, well how about taking all of this time, energy and emotion and putting it into your marriage? Find out what went wrong and fix it? If your H is willing, I think it's like another betrayal to sit around moping over this guy. <p>Also, I don't think that 'friends' allow these things to happen. My H's 'friend' turned into his lover which almost destroyed our marriage. Especially since she just happened to be my (former) best friend.<p>It's not worth it. I'm reminded here a little of mmseekingadvice who has now disappeared when he didn't hear what he wanted. Not that that's what you're doing, but I think you are trying to convince and justify.<p>I wish you luck!

Actually, Maggierose, I just got back from vacation a few days ago....that's why I haven't been posting. Too busy unpacking and getting back into the work-swing.<p>Firstly, I certainly do not expect anyone to "agree" with me. How could I? I don't agree with me! Secondly, I DO AGREE that too much energy and emotion has been spent on this man, and that was part of the reason I took a vacation. Sometimes, getting away from your normal environment gives one time to think...and that's always good. For me, it certainly was!<p>I am working on my marriage. My husband and I have had long talks and both of us are serious about making what's wrong...RIGHT. As for my relationship with the OM, I am not "pursuing" phone calls or coffee trips. My decision is to only see him for professional reasons and be "busy" for all others. Eventually, this should take care of it because, as I said previously, we both know where our commitments lie. <p>What I am learning about my marriage is invaluable. What I've learned about myself, even more so. Keeping a relationship together is almost even with the miracle of birth! All things have to work together for it to be healthy and strong. If any of the components are missing or defective....it will die. It requires a daily "fix-up" to keep it running smoothly. Thanks for all your advise and comments.<p>God Bless!<p>~Caran<p>PS. Ashirley, I will write to you on your email in the next few days. Thanks for asking about me!!! :}}}

I just want all of you to know that my wife was involved in an emotional entanglement. I found out (I was way too aggressive in my persuit of this knowledge). I was as hurt as if the affair had been physical. I contemplated leaving. Taking the kids. You name it. <p>I am not saying this to try to scare you into not continuing. I just want you to know the devastation this causes your spouse when they find out. I cried continuously for three weeks. I had to go to counselling. I am taking antidepressants. I am 9 months in now and still have significant problems as a result. I believed our marriage was bullet proof. I adore my wife.<p>I know that you can't help how you feel sometimes but you can always control how you act. <p>Run, don't walk. Run. Unless you have been there you can't possibly know the heartbreak you will cause. <p>I am praying for you.<p>Michael

Michael T-great post. You know exactly how it feels and this may help others who are struggling. I also went thru **** when my H and former best friend had what they claimed was an EA. We were separated for 9 mos and I thought nothing could hurt more. Well, this summer I found out it was indeed PA (6 years later). Talk about a blow. I couldn't think, concentrate, sleep, eat, etc. I went back on antidepressants and they were just working when I had to quit them abruptly as I was pregnant. What a hard place to be. I'm thrilled to be pregnant but I hate being in my house now after I found out she was IN MY BED. I can't imagine that I was in her wedding 6 mos before this. How screwed up is that?<p>I have forgiven them, with lots of help from God. But I will never completely trust anyone, male or female again. I will always have a hole in my heart and feel used by the 2 people I loved the most.<p>Good luck! Thanks for sharing